Page 5 | SIL keeping her baby away

onlymeandmy · 2023-11-06T10:55:30+00:00

My sil and bro got married a year ago, we had never met before they got married. She was ok then but since having the baby has been rude and distant and keeps my brother and her baby from my parents and the rest of us. We have made a lot of effort for her but she is so ungrateful. My mother took 2 weeks off work to stay with her son and help dil for the birth, but she refused and told my brother to tell her that she doesn't want anyone there. My mother doesn't speak English so he has to translate everything for his wife, who doesn't speak out language. She made my mum stay with my sister who lives local to them and was made to feel guilty and unwelcome when she spent the days at her house. We then found out that her own mother was staying at their house. All we wanted was to help and spend time with her new grandchild. My mum went cooked and cleaned and bought kitchen appliances but she was just so ungrateful. My sister was going around in the evenings after the baby was born and she was just so rude and could tell she didn't want anyone, but her own mother to hold the baby. I'm sure she was a bit irritable after surgery, but has been 3 months now and still not letting us have access to the baby. She takes the baby to her mum and dad and sister all the time, but we are made to feel like we can't go around to my brothers house. We still do, but we are clearly not welcome. She has only attended once with the baby to my mum and dad so they have barely seen their grandchild. All whilst her family see the baby at least once a week. Her family have lots of grandchildren and mine only have this one so she is being so selfish by withholding him. How can we build a relationship if we aren't allowed to see him. She is pulling my brother away from his family and being selfish with my nephew. AIBU? What can we do to get her to see what's she's doing?

TentChristmas · 06/11/2023 12:04

onlymeandmy · 06/11/2023 11:26

There is some culture clash, but she is from same culture, just cant speak the language. We are an easy going family and haven't put any pressure on her, my brother does want us involved even wanted us at the hospital. We did then once again find out her own sister was at their house with them during the labour.
Traditionally in our culture they should be living with us so it's extra hard on my mother that she is pushing us out and pulling her family in.

You do realise you brother is toeing the family line/keeping the peace by telling you yes he wants you at the hospital, but it’s mean SIL stopping him. He thinks the same sorry. My DH uses me in the same way with his parents and it’s what he needs to do to distance himself, I am the evil DIL.

You can’t say you are easy going and then say you expected to move in for 2 weeks and extended family go every evening.

maybe she can speak in her own language to her sister? And her sister will help not hinder/take over. Who the fuck has time for translated conversations post partum, I wouldn’t have been able to cope with that.

Irregardless · 06/11/2023 12:04

What kind of appliances?

NeunundneunzigHorseBallonz · 06/11/2023 12:06

Perhaps if your mother had asked what SIL wanted instead of assuming, all of this could have been avoided.

Eddielizzard · 06/11/2023 12:07

Hobnobswantshernameback · 06/11/2023 11:14

If this isn't a reverse I'll eat the bar of chocolate on my desk
i mean I will anyway
but it's good to have goals on a Monday

SunRainStorm · 06/11/2023 12:09

Coffeerum · 06/11/2023 11:43

This is obviously not a good faith post, I don't know why people bother.

Exactly, not sure why it's not been taken down.

Heronwatcher · 06/11/2023 12:09

If this is genuine then you also need to explain to your mother that culture does not trump an individual’s views, especially when it appears to be bullying and disregarding the wishes of a vulnerable new mother. It absolutely drives me mad when “culture” is just used to justify behaviour which is rude and inappropriate most often to women. My culture is that if you want a relationship with my kids then you respect my wishes and if I don’t want a stranger with a language barrier beetling round my house for weeks on end just after I’ve given birth then that’s my decision to make.

Twiggywinkle13 · 06/11/2023 12:09

Is this honestly real? I REALLY like my MIL but there is no way on this earth I’d have wanted her staying in my house just after giving birth! Leave the poor girl alone.

Angrycat2768 · 06/11/2023 12:10

I suspect we are a similar culture. My own mother woke my Dbro up in the middle of then night to get him to drive to the hospital when I was giving birth, and then created a scene at the hospital when they told her she couldn't go in because it was outside visiting hours! My DS was her first grandchild and she was desperate to see him and went a little bit crazy as a result. It doesnt mean it is right. She was my mother. No way in a million years would I have wanted her at the birth. I would rather have had my baby on the street than had my MIL there! And my SIL? No! You have put pressure on this poor woman and driven her away. You need to be having words with your mother. If she's upset, Im afraid thats tough luck. Maybe if you had not all descended on her mob handed and created a scene when she was recovering from a C-section and had a new baby, she may have been more inclined to see you all more often. YOUr family need to apologise. Profusely.

Baffledandalarmed · 06/11/2023 12:11

onlymeandmy · 06/11/2023 11:26

There is some culture clash, but she is from same culture, just cant speak the language. We are an easy going family and haven't put any pressure on her, my brother does want us involved even wanted us at the hospital. We did then once again find out her own sister was at their house with them during the labour.
Traditionally in our culture they should be living with us so it's extra hard on my mother that she is pushing us out and pulling her family in.

You’re not an easy going family though. Your mother tried to force her presence on her for two weeks.

YABVU as is your family. It’s her baby. Her choice. If your brother is happy then suck it up or you might lose him as well.

JustOneDD · 06/11/2023 12:11

YABVU

ohdamnitjanet · 06/11/2023 12:11

welovetv · 06/11/2023 10:58

This is not going to go well op.....🍿🍿

You beat me to it 😆
Just trying to imagine a practical stranger who speaks a different language moving in for two weeks the second I’d given birth, when I could ask, oh I don’t know, my mum.

housethatbuiltme · 06/11/2023 12:11

You invited yourself to stay when she had JUST had a baby, and even though where told clearly 'NO' you still went... its not SIL thats unreasonable.

ITS NOT ABOUT YOU'S... its HER child, its her MEDICAL PROCEDURE, its her HOME, its her MARRIAGE and its her BONDING EXPERIENCE.

Its your mothers grandchild... which comes WAY down the list, if you have followed instructions you probably wouldn't be getting shut out now but yous crossed lines in the sand.

You have disrespectfully shown her you don't care about her and will do what ever you feel entitled to do... why should she smile and let you walk on her.

A nice act is ONLY nice if the person hasn't clearly told you 'no'... refusing to accept no and forcing yourself on them is like the MIL version of being an Incel.

GabriellaMontez · 06/11/2023 12:12

If this is real, you're off your fucking rocker.

Rubberdingyrapids · 06/11/2023 12:12

onlymeandmy · 06/11/2023 11:26

There is some culture clash, but she is from same culture, just cant speak the language. We are an easy going family and haven't put any pressure on her, my brother does want us involved even wanted us at the hospital. We did then once again find out her own sister was at their house with them during the labour.
Traditionally in our culture they should be living with us so it's extra hard on my mother that she is pushing us out and pulling her family in.

I'm going to guess from your posts that you are asian. My background is British indian, so I understand your comments on culture and the expectations that a DIL lives eith her in laws. However times have changed, that is no longer the norm. Me and my husband live alone with our 3 children. When My twins were born, I was comfortable with my moms being around, I was recovering from surgery. I did not want my MIL around straight away. Difference was she completely understood, she helped in other ways such as sending cooked meals, dping laundry etc. Dont you think new mums have enough to deal with without the stress of in laws being upset they haven't been invited over? Try to help in other ways try speaking to her, ask her what she needs instead of turning up to her house when you know it's not what she wants.

fruitbrewhaha · 06/11/2023 12:13

Perhaps you should all head around to the house now. All bang on the door and demand to be let in and force her to let you hold the baby? Is that what you’re thinking?

Or another idea could be to leave her the fuck alone. It’s been 3 months. She’s recovering from birth and learning how to look after her baby all while not getting much sleep. Of course she’s ok with her sister and mother helping out. She doesn’t know you, why would she want you helping her?

ganglion · 06/11/2023 12:14

"Haven't put any pressure on her" yet also show up whenever you want without her request or permission? This is their baby, not yours. Give her some space, this is not about you. The baby right now needs Mum and Dad, not a parade of unwelcome visitors and an unhappy Mum.

housethatbuiltme · 06/11/2023 12:15

onlymeandmy · 06/11/2023 11:26

There is some culture clash, but she is from same culture, just cant speak the language. We are an easy going family and haven't put any pressure on her, my brother does want us involved even wanted us at the hospital. We did then once again find out her own sister was at their house with them during the labour.
Traditionally in our culture they should be living with us so it's extra hard on my mother that she is pushing us out and pulling her family in.

LOL

Imagine thinking your brother has any say in who attends his wife's gynecological appointments.

TeeBee · 06/11/2023 12:16

Access to the baby??? Hmmm, that says everything.

Why would anyone wants complete strangers around them when they've just had a baby. Leave the poor woman alone to bed in a little. Pushing her is going to be totally counterproductive. It might be your 'culture' but she doesn't want it so back off.

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 06/11/2023 12:16

YABVU. Why are you putting this all on SIL? You should be talking to your brother.

Nevermind31 · 06/11/2023 12:16

Yeah, I can see why she doesn’t want you around.
reverse? Surely no one is this blind to their own behaviour?

Hobnobswantshernameback · 06/11/2023 12:17

I imagine the OP has got what they wanted from this thread

twattydogshavetwattypeople · 06/11/2023 12:18

If I were your sister-in-law, I don't think you would be seeing the baby for some time. Maybe on his 18th birthday.

MarjorieTheManager · 06/11/2023 12:18

Traditionally in our culture they should be living with us

Who the fuck is this WE and US that you keep referring to? Y’all need to back away, you’re trying to get them to live with you and you don’t like that they don’t! This is so so awful!

BoohooWoohoo · 06/11/2023 12:21

This sounds like the classic stereotype that seems to happen in all cultures where the wife makes an effort to maintain bonds with her family while the husband doesn't do anything because he has a penis. The husband's family blame the wife when they know deep down that any family stuff was a result of mum pushing her son into attending events etc rather than the son proactively doing so.
Men telling everyone what they want to hear is a common enough occurrence. So many problems on here involve men telling their ex wife/mum/friends/colleagues different things to reality and creating problems for the wife.

AuContraire · 06/11/2023 12:22

onlymeandmy · 06/11/2023 11:26

There is some culture clash, but she is from same culture, just cant speak the language. We are an easy going family and haven't put any pressure on her, my brother does want us involved even wanted us at the hospital. We did then once again find out her own sister was at their house with them during the labour.
Traditionally in our culture they should be living with us so it's extra hard on my mother that she is pushing us out and pulling her family in.

Bloody hell.

OP, you have this one very, very wrong.