SIL keeping her baby away

[onlymeandmy]

My sil and bro got married a year ago, we had never met before they got married. She was ok then but since having the baby has been rude and distant and keeps my brother and her baby from my parents and the rest of us.
We have made a lot of effort for her but she is so ungrateful. My mother took 2 weeks off work to stay with her son and help dil for the birth, but she refused and told my brother to tell her that she doesn't want anyone there. My mother doesn't speak English so he has to translate everything for his wife, who doesn't speak out language. She made my mum stay with my sister who lives local to them and was made to feel guilty and unwelcome when she spent the days at her house. We then found out that her own mother was staying at their house. All we wanted was to help and spend time with her new grandchild. My mum went cooked and cleaned and bought kitchen appliances but she was just so ungrateful. My sister was going around in the evenings after the baby was born and she was just so rude and could tell she didn't want anyone, but her own mother to hold the baby. I'm sure she was a bit irritable after surgery, but has been 3 months now and still not letting us have access to the baby.
She takes the baby to her mum and dad and sister all the time, but we are made to feel like we can't go around to my brothers house. We still do, but we are clearly not welcome. She has only attended once with the baby to my mum and dad so they have barely seen their grandchild. All whilst her family see the baby at least once a week.
Her family have lots of grandchildren and mine only have this one so she is being so selfish by withholding him. How can we build a relationship if we aren't allowed to see him.
She is pulling my brother away from his family and being selfish with my nephew.
AIBU?
What can we do to get her to see what's she's doing?

Having a baby for many women is traumatic
they want and need their own family there

i didn’t want my in-laws around as a new very unwell mum because they had no relationship with me in the six years prior to DDs birth

you don’t get to step into someone’s life at the most visceral tough time, just because you’re biologically related to their baby.

give her space.

Will MIL defer to her daughter’s MIL when daughter gas a baby? If not, why not? Discuss.

There is some culture clash, but she is from same culture, just cant speak the language. We are an easy going family and haven't put any pressure on her, my brother does want us involved even wanted us at the hospital. We did then once again find out her own sister was at their house with them during the labour.
Traditionally in our culture they should be living with us so it's extra hard on my mother that she is pushing us out and pulling her family in.

She is pulling my brother away from his family and being selfish with my nephew.

Is your brother completely stupid? Does he have no say about what happens in his family? Maybe he actually agrees that you, your mum and your sister are overbearing and he is quite happy keeping away from you.

Best thing would be if you and your sister start having your own babies and your mum can play Granma without imposing her ways on another woman.

You should have left her in peace to have her baby. Of course she wouldn’t want a MIL there with whom she can’t even communicate, when she has her own mother staying - it’s not reasonable to think she would. Your mother may well have wanted to help: did she stop for a moment to find out whether such help was appreciated or even wanted? When my own daughter had her baby, she just wanted her husband there for the first two weeks. Of course I was dying to see her and the baby, but I respected her wishes. It sounds as though your mother has no idea of boundaries, and your brother clearly doesn’t want to say anything - he needs to. You are totally looking at this from your own point of view - “We are made to feel we can’t go around to my brother’s house” - it’s not just your brother’s house: it’s just as much hers - and you impose yourself on them and wonder why you’re not made welcome. You don’t have a RIGHT to visit just because it’s your brother. The more you push, the less she will want to have to do with you. So, what can you do? Speak to your brother - tell him that you want to see the new family member, but on terms that the mother feels comfortable with. It’s not a matter of getting her to see what she’s doing, it’s for your family to understand that maybe she needs a bit of quiet time with her new baby to establish a routine etc. She will be aware that you want to see the baby - but if lots of your family descend when she’s feeling fragile, it’s not going to help your relationship. Cut her a bit of slack - ask your brother when would be convenient to visit, and don’t outstay your welcome. Just because your family is comfortable with people visiting all the time doesn’t mean that your SIL is. You describe her as “rude” and “selfish” - isn’t it a bit rude and selfish to impose yourself on a new mother just because you want to see her baby, and especially if she has made it clear that she’s rather you didn’t?

Wait to be invited. Your pushiness so far will drive her further from you. You sound overbearing as does your mother.
HER baby is not a new toy.

We are an easy going family and haven't put any pressure on her

🤣🤣🤣

Are you in the UK or your mother's birth country?

Oh god the irony
OP this is comedy gold

Heck, I'd go low contact with OP and her family for the over bearing intrusion alone.

Do you honestly not understand why a woman might prefer her own female relatives around when she is at her most vulnerable??

I didn’t want anyone staying with us to “help” with our babies. What’s wrong with that?

And good for her for pushing back against the assumption that she should be living with her in laws!

"traditionally in our culture....". Well, your SIL clearly doesn't like that tradition. She doesn't speak your language and she is not following the traditions, so maybe it is time to accept that your brother has married someone who is quite happy being part of a different culture and who does things differently. Surely your brother was aware of this when they met, and it didn't bother him!

We are an easy going family and haven't put any pressure on her

Except that you tried to move in on the hospital and her home and continue to force your way in.

You say she's from the same culture but doesn't speak the language. I think that's probably a pretty clear sign that while she might have the same heritage or even religion, her "culture" has evolved to be different to yours.

A very silly example in my own life is that I am South African, but moved away a long time ago. I recently was at a friend's house who was watching her South African neighbour's child for a couple of hours. The neighbour came over to collect the child and kept telling her child, "say thank you to Aunty friend's name" and I felt so uncomfortable. When I was growing up, all adults were "aunty/uncle" or "Mr/ Mrs" but I no longer see that as normal or appropriate. Doesn't mean I'm not still South African.

Keep disparaging your brothers wife and the mother of your nephew. You’ll be shocked when your nephew and any future children want nothing to do with you when they’re older.

Ok

Op's family is obviously a different culture to sil, that alone should be respected. Not everyone does the close family, five generations under the same roof. Would be my idea of hell on so many levels just having three.

Your family are BATSHIT. Back the hell off! You do NOT get to impose yourself on someone else’s birth or postpartum period. Your brother OBVIOUSLY also doesn’t want you there so take it up with HIM. You aren’t her close family, it’s totally normal she wanted her family there and not yours. And yes I say this as a mother of sons who will NEVER treat their future partners like this. I hope she continues to keep you all at a distance based on how unhinged you’re all acting.

@onlymeandmy
If this is the life that your brother is content with , there is not much you can do. Your sister in-law was entitled to her feelings about guests, but so was your brother. If your brother does not step up to make his extended family feel welcomed in his home, I would not bother going.

We did then once again find out her own sister was at their house with them during the labour.

Imagine not wanting strangers around when you’re vulnerable and in labour… just….disrespectful… 😏

Completely unrelated to anything but how does your mother work if she can't speak English? (Assuming that you're in the UK of course)

This is clearly a reverse.
Just in case it's not, your brother is a grown man who has made a choice so stop blaming everything on your SIL. Considering that you didn't meet her until the wedding, how can you be surprised that you weren't going to see her very much?
It is natural for a woman in labour to prefer her sister and mother for company. You didn't meet her until the wedding and you thought that she'd be relaxed enough with you that she could breastfeed in front of you? Feel and look crap in front of you? By not putting in effort before the wedding (and presumably during the pregnancy) you are saying that you only want to come round to her house to see the baby and make her feel like an incubator.
Seeing her family once a week doesn't mean that she is stopping your brother from seeing you. Once a week isn't even excessive. How often did you and your brother see each other before the baby? Depending on what time of day you visit, I can see why you may not be welcome.
If your mother and SIL don't speak the same language does that mean that they are from different cultures? Maybe your brother is wisely centring children on her culture (as she's the one on maternity leave and she was the patient) Time for your family to realise that as a couple from different cultures, they may reject norms from your culture. By removing that expectation and learning more about SIL culture, you may clash less with her.

It's quite clear that the OP's brother and his wife have broken away from imposed culture and tradition, just like many young couples do.

It's time for the mum to accept this and fit in or accept being frozen out.

Does your mum feel strongly enough that she is willing to learn English to communicate with SIL? Are you sure that DB will be raising the child to be bilingual? As someone who emigrated I understand the challenges of a new language but I see so regularly that you will never have a common family feeling unless there is a shared language. I know many SIL/MIL in this situation type of situation and this is always the main issue. Is shared parenting an expectation or is it cultural that SIL will do the majority of childcare? If it’s the latter then this becomes even more important.