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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL keeping her baby away

359 replies

onlymeandmy · 06/11/2023 10:55

My sil and bro got married a year ago, we had never met before they got married. She was ok then but since having the baby has been rude and distant and keeps my brother and her baby from my parents and the rest of us.
We have made a lot of effort for her but she is so ungrateful. My mother took 2 weeks off work to stay with her son and help dil for the birth, but she refused and told my brother to tell her that she doesn't want anyone there. My mother doesn't speak English so he has to translate everything for his wife, who doesn't speak out language. She made my mum stay with my sister who lives local to them and was made to feel guilty and unwelcome when she spent the days at her house. We then found out that her own mother was staying at their house. All we wanted was to help and spend time with her new grandchild. My mum went cooked and cleaned and bought kitchen appliances but she was just so ungrateful. My sister was going around in the evenings after the baby was born and she was just so rude and could tell she didn't want anyone, but her own mother to hold the baby. I'm sure she was a bit irritable after surgery, but has been 3 months now and still not letting us have access to the baby.
She takes the baby to her mum and dad and sister all the time, but we are made to feel like we can't go around to my brothers house. We still do, but we are clearly not welcome. She has only attended once with the baby to my mum and dad so they have barely seen their grandchild. All whilst her family see the baby at least once a week.
Her family have lots of grandchildren and mine only have this one so she is being so selfish by withholding him. How can we build a relationship if we aren't allowed to see him.
She is pulling my brother away from his family and being selfish with my nephew.
AIBU?
What can we do to get her to see what's she's doing?

OP posts:
skgnome · 06/11/2023 11:39

Okkkkk…..
giving you the benefit of the doubt- massive culture clash
your SIL has done nothing wrong
she has her sister with her before giving birth - because is her sister and she needed people she 100% make her feel comfortable when giving birth, surely you can see why, even is she likes you she will be more comfortable with her sister that you, giving birth is not a spectators sport!
again, why would she be more comfortable with her own mother around than with someone she cannot communicate while she’s feeling vulnerable (after giving birth)!!! I think it’s pretty obvious
again, why would she spend time with her OWN family after having a baby than with people she cannot communicate- pretty obvious
maybe if you guys would respect her culture and her wishes, after all she’s the one that gave birth! She would be more inclined to build a relationship with you? Just saying…

Newestname002 · 06/11/2023 11:41

@onlymeandmy

My mother took 2 weeks off work to stay with her son and help dil for the birth, but she refused and told my brother to tell her that she doesn't want anyone there.

This is all too much too soon, and your brother and his wife have every right to want some privacy and space to do things how they are comfortable with, despite the assumption by your birth family that she'll do as you and your culture expect. I'm not surprised she was unhappy at having decisions made that she wasn't consulted on and prefers her own mother, who she's more comfortable with and with whom she shares a language. 🌹

sandyhappypeople · 06/11/2023 11:41

we had never met before they got married.

so you couldn’t be arsed with her before, but now she’s produced a child you’re all forcing yourselves on her like she owes you something.

not cool.

LunaandLily · 06/11/2023 11:42

Been there, done that! Including ex-MIL and ex-BIL (?!) expecting to move in to my home after the birth. When I declined this, they suggested I move in with them, a fair distance away from my own parents. There was exactly the same talk about me refusing access and being possessive and it’s their grandchild.

SIL is absolutely doing the right thing. I’m currently pg and the boundaries will well and truly be in place when baby comes. Grandparents have had their children, they don’t get to have another shot at parenthood with my babies.

Coffeerum · 06/11/2023 11:43

This is obviously not a good faith post, I don't know why people bother.

Hobnobswantshernameback · 06/11/2023 11:44

OP are you in the uk? I'm intrigued if you are what job your mum does that does not involve speaking English or is it your SIL that does not speak English?

LateAF · 06/11/2023 11:46

onlymeandmy · 06/11/2023 11:26

There is some culture clash, but she is from same culture, just cant speak the language. We are an easy going family and haven't put any pressure on her, my brother does want us involved even wanted us at the hospital. We did then once again find out her own sister was at their house with them during the labour.
Traditionally in our culture they should be living with us so it's extra hard on my mother that she is pushing us out and pulling her family in.

She might have wanted her neighbour’s uncle’s primary school teacher at the birth over her MIL and you still wouldn’t have a point since SHE is the patient, not your brother, and certainly not your mother in law.

Her wishes and comfort during her own medical treatment trump any one else’s, including the baby’s father.

And I don’t know anyone who wants their MIL to stay after birth over their own mother. She’s recovering from birth and your family’s actions have made it that any reservations she has towards you is justified by your inviting yourselves over and continually trampling over her feelings and autonomy.

Oreosareawful · 06/11/2023 11:46

I wish you'd enabled voting

YABU!!!

Silvers11 · 06/11/2023 11:47

welovetv · 06/11/2023 10:58

This is not going to go well op.....🍿🍿

Agree !!!

AgaMM · 06/11/2023 11:48

My mum came and stayed after I gave birth. But no way would I have had my MIL stay and help. It’s a very different relationship and that’s when you’re at your most vulnerable, so my MIL staying during that period would have been a definite no.

Your SIL is not at all unreasonable for taking the same approach and you are massively unreasonable to be complaining about it. It doesn’t matter that it’s the cultural norm - your SIL is the one who had the baby so her opinion is what matters here.

CloudPop · 06/11/2023 11:49

MotherofWomen · 06/11/2023 10:59

Reverse?

Got to be, surely

Spidey66 · 06/11/2023 11:50

I'm with everyone else.

Did your mum ask or assume when she tried to move into the family home?

Sorry if I'd just given birth, I'd want my own mum there. Not my mil especially when she needs an interpreter. Your family sound overbearing.

TooOldForThisNonsense · 06/11/2023 11:52

You all sound overbearing

TheShellBeach · 06/11/2023 11:53

Traditionally in our culture they should be living with us so it's extra hard on my mother

Why "should" they be living with your mother?

They've obviously decided to knock this supposed cultural norm on the head, and I don't blame them.

Your mother sounds really difficult and controlling.
I don't blame your brother's wife for keeping her at arm's length.

MsCactus · 06/11/2023 11:54

This is AWFUL!!!

Everytime your mum came round she had to "host" her. After having given birth, with a new baby, while recovering. Putting extra stress on her, even after she asked your mum not to come 😮

Take the hint and leave her alone - you're not being helpful, you're making her life very difficult.

That poor mother

lap90 · 06/11/2023 11:55

This is a cultural issue so unfortunately you wont find much sympathy on Mumsnet.

HowToSaveAWife · 06/11/2023 11:55

You and your family are the problem OP. She's a person with needs and wants of her own. She's not some extension of your property just because she produced a child. YABVVVVU and you & yours would want to wise up before you're cut out completely. Lord knows, I would have been NC by now.

Also: doesn't matter one bit that your brother wanted you at the hospital. When the baby is emerging from his vagina, he gets a say. Also you say SIL had surgery - so understandably she'd want privacy at her most vulnerable, just her mother and sisters and not the people who couldn't be bothered their arses to meet with her or know her before she produced a precious grandchild.

ODFOD.

Fionaville · 06/11/2023 11:56

Your mum's first mistake was to take 2 weeks off for the birth and think she could stay there or even go round daily! No new mother is going to want a MIL there everyday when she's got a new baby and definitely not a MIL she hardly knows!
It's a vulnerable time for a new mum, so it's natural that she wants her own mum and sister. She's probably not withholding the baby from you all on purpose, she's just a new mum and it's her baby. Not yours.
I think you all need to take a huge step back and stop this narrative as it's only going to build resentment. If you really want to build bridges, I'd actually have your mum send her a bunch of flowers or something and apologise if she came across as overbearing, saying she was just excited and that's how things are done in your culture. Otherwise you'll never build a relationship with the woman and baby. Definitely don't be saying this stuff to your brother!

TheShellBeach · 06/11/2023 11:57

lap90 · 06/11/2023 11:55

This is a cultural issue so unfortunately you wont find much sympathy on Mumsnet.

Do you think the OP and her family deserve sympathy?

Unicorntearsofgin · 06/11/2023 11:58

OP your Sil is a person and a new mother. She’s probably battling hormones and sleep deprivation. She isn’t a vessel for grandchildren.

Frankly you and your family should have been building relationships way before the baby was born and getting to know your SIL in her own right. Of course she won’t want people that never bothered with her before when she is at her most vulnerable. It doesn’t matter what is traditional - clearly the new parents want to go their own way.

Respect her boundaries and try getting to know her rather than grab the baby or I suspect she will go no contact.

babyproblems · 06/11/2023 11:58

It’s her baby and her choice. She probably feels mega pressure from you and your mum!! I would never and didn’t allow my MIL to stay and certainly not for two weeks!! You have lots of time to enjoy the baby as they grow so ease off the pressure. It’s women that hold families together and imo what she’s done having her own mother is totally normal and expected.. I would say stay polite and offer help but don’t be pushy!!! X

HowToSaveAWife · 06/11/2023 11:59

Traditionally in our culture they should be living with us

For what? That's a tradition designed to create in-house help for the in-laws in the form of a DIL. I managed to escape it. My SIL wasn't so lucky. This whole thing is such nonsense.

pyjamalife · 06/11/2023 11:59

Isn't this another post where it was actually the MIL came for a month, went to visit the daughter and the OP didn't want her coming back? The other stuff fits perfectly. Although that OP had two older children maybe?

Or was that Reddit 😂

Either way, this is ridiculous if even slightly true.

Iwant2beJessicaFletcher · 06/11/2023 12:01

Good on your sil. It is her baby, not yours or your mothers. I can see why she wants to keep away from you all - you are all too over involved and demanding. If you carry on like this you wont see the baby at all ever and I couldnt blame her for that either.

TentChristmas · 06/11/2023 12:01

“Access to the baby” fuck me.
100% team SIL.
She and your brother are very brave to be their own indépendant people, your family are pissed as they don’t live with your parents? Honestly I would be done for murder many times over if I was expected to live with my in-laws.

You don’t force yourself in new parents for 2 weeks or even every evening. Sorry your family is entirely in the wrong and saying its tradition/culture is bollocks.