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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Household Christmas only?

140 replies

Magixx · 06/11/2023 01:31

Feel like I’m probably going to be told i am bu here but wanted to ask others viewpoints.
Bit of background, usually spend Christmas day/dinner at my own parents. My partner and MIL also come with. Partner is an only child, no wider family local and his mother was a single parent and now lives alone. Me and partner have 3 children together, all very young.
This year I said we won’t be travelling to my parents house as its a hassle with 2 toddlers & a baby and the kids just want to play with the new toys at home. I will be cooking Christmas dinner here instead. My parents wont see us on Christmas Day as they will be busy with my siblings/elderly relatives and my mum cooks for about 20 on the day.
Me and MIL don’t particularly get on but are civil, my partner doesn’t enjoy spending time with her either but the children love her.
WIBU to not have her for Christmas dinner/day? I kind of just want our own little family Christmas this year, but I’m aware this may mean she spends Christmas day alone. She does have a handful of close friends but I’m not sure if they would want her there for Christmas. My partner says he feels the same but we both feel obligated to invite her, given that she may be on her own at Christmas, obviously that isn’t our intention. Do I just suck it up, have her here for Christmas lunch? Or explain that its a household christmas this year and she’ll need to make different arrangements?

OP posts:
800gsuperseed · 06/11/2023 01:41

Not unreasonable at all, just tell her you're doing Christmas at home just you, DH and kids and suggest she visits boxing day if you're both happy with that

Growlybear83 · 06/11/2023 02:38

My mother in law has always been extremely difficult and has caused no end of trouble over the nearly 50 years I've known her, but I could never have left her on her own on Christmas Day. I would have felt so guilty thinking of her alone, and just used to grin and bear it. She was only here for six hours or so, and much of that time I was cooking the dinner anyway. Most years my Mum was with us for the day too, so we left them talking together and playing with our daughter and her new toys.

stayathomer · 06/11/2023 02:45

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable but at the same time it’s a tough one, when you said you won’t see your parents and that they’ll have all their own madness going on and will be fine I automatically though ah no this is going to be to see if it’s ok for mil to be on her own. She may not mind and may swim with it and start new traditions with friends or even just a nice day on her own and she sees you another day or it could be extremely tough. There’s no way to predict it. Maybe just you or dh or you both talk it out with her and see how it goes

MrsCuthbertson · 06/11/2023 03:38

It's a no brainer.
You invite your MiL.

GoBackRewind · 06/11/2023 03:56

For you both not to enjoy spending time with her, I’m guessing there’s a backstory.

We stopped doing things through obligation a long time ago and life is much better. No negative people, just people who are nice to be around. After years of awful behaviour by them, we feel no guilt.

Kingoftheroad · 06/11/2023 04:16

You’re children love her - that’s enough for me. Without her they’d be no partner or children - it’s the season of goodwill. Personally, I’d invite her with an open heart no strings attached. It’ll make for a much more pleasant day all round

WaitingfortheTardis · 06/11/2023 04:26

I agree with @Kingoftheroad I think it is better to show kindness. You would want to be treated the same way.

ParadiseLaundry · 06/11/2023 04:27

Can MIL travel to yours easily? Could you have a late Christmas dinner and just invite her for that?

That said though I don't necessarily think you're being unreasonable asking for a Christmas just you, DH and kids.

RedCoffeeCup · 06/11/2023 04:31

Personally I would invite her. Sorry OP, but I do think at Christmas we have to be kind to family members who would otherwise be on their own.

RedCoffeeCup · 06/11/2023 04:33

But I agree with @ParadiseLaundry - could she arrive just before lunch so you and your DC can have the morning as a family?

Wwwnothingdotcom · 06/11/2023 04:41

Ae don't leave family memebers alone but we don't really have any difficult ones.
I think it's bit too late anyway with most people having plans sorted already. If you said in September she could have planned to go elsewhere.

Is she really that bad? Must be if even her son doesn't want her?

Crumpetdisappointment · 06/11/2023 05:08

does she have to come to you every year?
i think if the children love her you should have her over.

OldTinHat · 06/11/2023 05:18

Not at all unreasonable.

I spend Christmas on my own every year because my family don't want to travel to me with the associated expense (insane ferry costs). I can't stay with them because they all have cats and I'm highly allergic. Same with my local friends, they all have cats too, so I'm on my own!

Just tell her your plans now and give her the opportunity to arrange something else.

She'll be fine. It's quite liberating actually.

Breakingpoint1961 · 06/11/2023 05:21

I wonder how she would feel if she could see this written about her. I think it's tragic you're even thinking of leaving her on her own Christmas Day.

One day you'll probably be a MIL, try and put yourself in her shoes.

And shame on your DH!!

GoBackRewind · 06/11/2023 05:26

You’re children love her - that’s enough for me.

That’s a strange view. OP has said her kids are young so this means nothing. There’s must be reasons why OP and her partner don’t enjoy being around this woman and it’s obvious young children won’t understand those.

LDA123 · 06/11/2023 05:42

I would invite her, perhaps just a bit later in the day though for dinner. So you have present opening and breakfast alone as a little family. At the end of the day. 3 young children and Christmas is a lot. If she is good with the kids, surely it’s nice to have an extra pair of hands to help? I’d struggle to leave her by herself on Christmas Day. I sometimes find I enjoyed Boxing Day more (with 4 young kids) as more relaxed, everyone a bit more chill and no pressure. Could you have Christmas morning and Boxing Day alone as a little family?

Desecratedcoconut · 06/11/2023 05:47

If you were happy enough to have your children spend so much time with her that they love her, then how bad can she be?

Guibhyl · 06/11/2023 05:48

If she’s just a bit of a PITA and annoying but otherwise benign then I’d invite her. If she’s actively unpleasant or unkind towards any of you then no don’t invite her. You shouldn’t have to forego any healthy emotional boundaries in the name of “Christmas spirit”.

HalfasleepChrisintheMorning · 06/11/2023 05:52

I think that’s mean. As an only child I would never plan a Christmas that left one of my parents alone. Even easier if she’s local, just have her for lunch.

garlictwist · 06/11/2023 05:53

I think yabu. What happened to Christmas being a time of peace and love? It's just one day and one extra person who would otherwise be alone.

BlockOfRaisins · 06/11/2023 05:54

I understand why you would want that but surely it’s going to have lasting consequences for the relationships with her. It’s usually a pretty big statement to not see someone for Christmas when you usually would especially if it leaves them alone.

Which is fine if your partner is OK with ending up no contact if she takes massive offence. He will probably best know how she will react though.

It’s up to him where he draws the line about her behaviour and it’s awful to live in fear of someone’s reactions but I just don’t think you should do this lightly.

If he wants some kind of relationship with her then you are looking at making the best of it I think. Invite her for less time. Plan an extra special Christmas Eve and Boxing Day if you both have days off. Something like that.

I wouldn’t have qualms about leaving someone alone if they were objectively awful or abusive, I would have qualms if it was just a matter of different personalities.

PaminaMozart · 06/11/2023 05:56

Kingoftheroad · 06/11/2023 04:16

You’re children love her - that’s enough for me. Without her they’d be no partner or children - it’s the season of goodwill. Personally, I’d invite her with an open heart no strings attached. It’ll make for a much more pleasant day all round

This.

And not inviting her could lead to all kinds of unpleasantness further down the road.

Don't leave her to spend Christmas on her own unless she is truly toxic.

Iwantmyoldnameback · 06/11/2023 05:56

No one should spend Christmas Day alone. Dont be mean.

OfcourseitsaNC · 06/11/2023 05:56

What is she like in every day life?

Is she independent with a wide group of friends? Does she enjoy alone time? Does she go on and on and on about things? Does she hold grudges?

My point being, will she cope, or will she give you stress for ages over it?

Whilst @OldTinHat (and I) find Christmas alone liberating, will your MIL? Will she take the information graciously or go on and on and on about the Christmas she was left alone for weeks/months/years? A passive aggressive comment here and there?

I'm all for doing what is right for you and yours, but if having her round a few hours on Christmas Day would save me weeks of comments that annoy me, I'd give her a clear invite for food only.

If she enjoys time in her own company, then she'd probably enjoy not being confined to having to spend the day with you and go and do her own thing.

Manhattanmiss · 06/11/2023 05:57

That’s pretty cold, damn! To think years from now your post could be about you!

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