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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Household Christmas only?

140 replies

Magixx · 06/11/2023 01:31

Feel like I’m probably going to be told i am bu here but wanted to ask others viewpoints.
Bit of background, usually spend Christmas day/dinner at my own parents. My partner and MIL also come with. Partner is an only child, no wider family local and his mother was a single parent and now lives alone. Me and partner have 3 children together, all very young.
This year I said we won’t be travelling to my parents house as its a hassle with 2 toddlers & a baby and the kids just want to play with the new toys at home. I will be cooking Christmas dinner here instead. My parents wont see us on Christmas Day as they will be busy with my siblings/elderly relatives and my mum cooks for about 20 on the day.
Me and MIL don’t particularly get on but are civil, my partner doesn’t enjoy spending time with her either but the children love her.
WIBU to not have her for Christmas dinner/day? I kind of just want our own little family Christmas this year, but I’m aware this may mean she spends Christmas day alone. She does have a handful of close friends but I’m not sure if they would want her there for Christmas. My partner says he feels the same but we both feel obligated to invite her, given that she may be on her own at Christmas, obviously that isn’t our intention. Do I just suck it up, have her here for Christmas lunch? Or explain that its a household christmas this year and she’ll need to make different arrangements?

OP posts:
IhearyouClemFandango · 06/11/2023 05:58

Of course you invite her.

Chchchanging · 06/11/2023 05:58

I'd ask her. I am at the other end with my.kids as they are flying the nest and have other halves etc. I'd be so sad if a dil didn't want me for Xmas.. she's your DH's mother. That will be you one day. And everyone says 'oh but I won't be difficult' -how do you know!?
Unless there is a back story.....
My DM is alone (left by my father when i was a teen) she's nearly 80, very self absorbed, hard work but I would never dream of not having her for Christmas. She was also great with the kids when they were younger but my DH finds her increasingly rude but he still.puts up with her.
As should you imo. Have Boxing Day as a household day..that's my favourite day of the festive season.

handyandie · 06/11/2023 05:58

If you normally take her to your parents home then I think you need to invite her to yours. The main reason you are having Xmas at home is because of the effort of taking your children elsewhere. If you want to permanently fall out and have the stress of a family dispute then leave her out.

menopausalmare · 06/11/2023 05:59

If she's local, could she come for lunch? Ours come 12-4pm and that works well. We then get lots of down time.

OfcourseitsaNC · 06/11/2023 05:59

Iwantmyoldnameback · 06/11/2023 05:56

No one should spend Christmas Day alone. Dont be mean.

Ridiculous thing to say. I love Christmas Day alone.

If you don't want to be alone, that's different.

BarbaraofSeville · 06/11/2023 06:08

I think one extra person isn't much of an imposition in these circumstances.

Is she able to travel to you and go home independently, rather than need picking up or expecting to stay over?

You might also find it beneficial her being there as the DC can show her their new toys and leave you and/or DP free to concentrate on cooking.

Pooooochi · 06/11/2023 06:19

Wtf? Christmas is a time when you include people

Why not have a slightly more chilled morning with the kids then invite her at lunchtime for the meal?

I'm sorry but i think its quite selfish to exclude her when your husband is the only family she has.

CaramelMac · 06/11/2023 06:30

Im all for selfish Christmas, it’s just one day but it’s your day too and it makes such a difference just being at home with your little family to having a guest, you should enjoy it with your children.

Zanatdy · 06/11/2023 06:34

I couldn’t see someone be alone at Christmas personally. I get your point wanting to have Christmas at home now, but your MIL coming for a few hours won’t take up too much of your day. I hate to think of the elderly sitting alone on Christmas Day. It can be an incredibly lonely time for elderly people or anyone really who lives alone and doesn’t receive an invite.

HungryandIknowit · 06/11/2023 06:35

I would invite her but for a later time so you can have the morning together alone.

KeyboardCrumbsly · 06/11/2023 06:38

I understand why you don't want her but honestly, (and I have a very troublesome exMIL) I couldn't leave her on her own. Would be different if she had other options.
I mean you can invite her and maybe she'll refuse? But it's the right thing to do.

Queenofheart · 06/11/2023 06:39

Breakingpoint1961 · 06/11/2023 05:21

I wonder how she would feel if she could see this written about her. I think it's tragic you're even thinking of leaving her on her own Christmas Day.

One day you'll probably be a MIL, try and put yourself in her shoes.

And shame on your DH!!

Why shame on her DH?

Agree that maybe she should invite her so she’s not on her own and their kids love her, but why shame on her DH, we don’t know the background, my dad has been a complete twat most of my adult life so I’d never invite him, to a special day, for that reason

StampOnTheGround · 06/11/2023 06:40

Nobody should be alone without family on Christmas Day

Woahtherehoney · 06/11/2023 06:42

Not unreasonable to spend Christmas with whoever you want, but you say it isn’t your intention to leave her alone when you are sort of deliberately leaving her alone

Breakingpoint1961 · 06/11/2023 06:44

@Queenofheart I agree, we don't know the background, but the children love her, so clearly not a beastly woman. MIL was a single parent, the least her son can do is invite her on the loneliest (for many) day of the year.

electriclight · 06/11/2023 06:47

I couldn't leave a close family member alone on Christmas Day. You must spend lots of days together as a family, surely there's room for one more on Christmas Day? Does she live close enough to come for the afternoon/evening so you have the morning together or does she need to stay overnight. I think treat others as you'd want to be treated. Years from now imagine your kids saying all of this about you.

sammylady37 · 06/11/2023 06:48

StampOnTheGround · 06/11/2023 06:40

Nobody should be alone without family on Christmas Day

Unless of course they want to be alone. I’ll be spending Christmas Day alone this year and I’m really looking forward to it.

RedHelenB · 06/11/2023 06:48

MrsCuthbertson · 06/11/2023 03:38

It's a no brainer.
You invite your MiL.

This. The spirit of Christmas and all that.

crostini · 06/11/2023 06:56

Your own parents have been kind, hospitable people, by having YOUR Mil for Christmas for years.
It's kind of unreasonable that now you're doing your own Christmas, you won't do the same.
Unless she's extremely toxic, then it's a day that's about family, and we make allowances for family, not everything has to be perfect all of the time.

willWillSmithsmith · 06/11/2023 07:02

For me if I didn’t invite her there’d be a little cloud of guilt over me all day which would end up tarnishing the day anyway. I’d suck it up and invite her, but if she is awful you can let her know at the end of it that there will be no more invites unless she behaves better.

MrsCuthbertson · 06/11/2023 07:03

For you both not to enjoy spending time with her, I’m guessing there’s a backstory

I doubt it. I have a hinch OP doesn't like her and her DP goes along with it.

The term "own little family" makes me cringe. Not long ago MIL and her son were a "little family" too.

LifeInTermsOfMusic · 06/11/2023 07:05

If you both don’t want her there, don’t invite her. I don’t get all this obligation rubbish. Life is for being with people you love and like, not making yourself miserable because of some blood is thicker than water nonsense.

NoItsStillNighttimeDarling · 06/11/2023 07:06

Whilst I can totally understand the way you feel, as a mum of boys the thought of this makes my blood run cold!

itsmyp4rty · 06/11/2023 07:07

I've only ever had Christmas with my kids and I would never invite either set of grandparents. If MIL wants to be invited to Christmas then she needs to make the effort to get on with you. If even her own son isn't that keen on her then there's obviously some quite major issue.

That said if you've always invited her previously and all gone to your mums then it would seem odd not to invite her to yours this year.

hollyblueivy · 06/11/2023 07:07

She has to be invited.