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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Household Christmas only?

140 replies

Magixx · 06/11/2023 01:31

Feel like I’m probably going to be told i am bu here but wanted to ask others viewpoints.
Bit of background, usually spend Christmas day/dinner at my own parents. My partner and MIL also come with. Partner is an only child, no wider family local and his mother was a single parent and now lives alone. Me and partner have 3 children together, all very young.
This year I said we won’t be travelling to my parents house as its a hassle with 2 toddlers & a baby and the kids just want to play with the new toys at home. I will be cooking Christmas dinner here instead. My parents wont see us on Christmas Day as they will be busy with my siblings/elderly relatives and my mum cooks for about 20 on the day.
Me and MIL don’t particularly get on but are civil, my partner doesn’t enjoy spending time with her either but the children love her.
WIBU to not have her for Christmas dinner/day? I kind of just want our own little family Christmas this year, but I’m aware this may mean she spends Christmas day alone. She does have a handful of close friends but I’m not sure if they would want her there for Christmas. My partner says he feels the same but we both feel obligated to invite her, given that she may be on her own at Christmas, obviously that isn’t our intention. Do I just suck it up, have her here for Christmas lunch? Or explain that its a household christmas this year and she’ll need to make different arrangements?

OP posts:
Foxontherun · 06/11/2023 07:52

It does seem a bit mean not to have her at any point in the day. That said, tell her that you're planning to stay at home and ask her what she wants to do.

It could be she enjoys your extended family more than you!

Paradeofrain · 06/11/2023 07:52

Of course you can have whoever you want at Christmas but it's naiive to think it won't have consequences.

It's making a bit of a stand, and if this is someone you usually get along with then it's likely to be hurtful and create a scar on the relationship. Especially if she usually comes to christmas.

It's a bit like when people don't invite a certain family member to the wedding. They are perfectly entitled to do so, but it's most definitely makes it a "thing", and makes an overt statement over something that was previously a bubbling undercurrent and bring it to the surface.

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 06/11/2023 07:53

TedMullins · 06/11/2023 07:50

Are his parents separated? Because if they’re still together in the same house they’re not alone, are they…

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No they’re together but though not completely alone it’s pretty poor show and quite upsetting when you have 3 kids who all live with in half an hours drive and no one invites, they were ok parents, it’s not like they were monsters or anything. They love being around family rather than a very quiet Christmas just the two of them. Maybe I’m softer than most mumsnetters. Also MIL now has dementia so nice for FIL to have the support.

gannett · 06/11/2023 07:54

Totaly · 06/11/2023 07:48

I’m with PP I’d love a Christmas Day on my own!

I really don’t see what the big issues is?

Im assuming you haven’t mentioned this yet to her? She could still go to a friends and May have declined invitees already.

I've had (and very much enjoyed) a couple of solo Xmases, and I know a few people who also love them for themselves. The invites still mean a lot though. And I suspect this MIL isn't that sort of person otherwise she'd probably have done it by now.

Chchchanging · 06/11/2023 08:17

My DM has 2 DS and me. I am the only one who ever makes the effort for her.
Because their wives find my mum 'difficult'. There's no back story. She's not awful. Just lonely, old and sad how life has turned out.
My DH bothers with his mum..its one of the reasons I love him. I love my MIL but she wasn't the easiest when the kids were young. I still invite her every year (they don't come as they live a long way away and have local dc and grand kids)
When my DSs get married I hope the behaviour we modelled with our own mums means they will think of us.
Otherwise we may well be alone.
And yes some people like it. But your MIL has spent Xmas with her DIL parents so I think she could have reasonably ducked out by now if that is what she wanted
I hope you only have DDs or be prepared to be treated the same.

mrsbyers · 06/11/2023 08:19

Imagine how hurt you will feel in 30 years time when your children don’t want you with them for Christmas and you are left alone

yellowlane · 06/11/2023 08:22

I couldn't leave someone on their own at Xmas. You say your dc love her, that would be enough for me. I'd suck it up. You could leave the invite open- you're welcome at ours for Xmas lunch, but if you want to make other plans with x then that's fine'.

fishfingersandtoes · 06/11/2023 08:22

Can you invite her for dinner, but have one of you pick her up & drop her back so you're in control of the start & end time?
It is pretty cold not to have her round at least for a bit if she's got nowhere else to go.

OhComeOnFFS · 06/11/2023 08:25

If your relationship isn't that good now, it's really not going to be improved by her spending Christmas Day on her own.

I'd suck it up and invite her to arrive at 12 and go late afternoon.

Is there anything she likes that you like too?

Smugandproud · 06/11/2023 08:27

I can’t imagine telling my parents that it’s a household only Christmas.
And my df is a pain at times.
You’re basically implying she’s not family.
If your mil is not welcome to spend Christmas with her only dc then be prepared to not be welcome to spend Christmas with your adult dc in the future.

What is the point of celebrating goodwill to all men if you don’t even invite your mil.
Thank god my two adult dc would never see me on my own at Christmas.

BIossomtoes · 06/11/2023 08:28

The thing is the kids love her. Won’t they ask why she isn’t there? How will you explain that to them? It feels incredibly mean spirited to me.

Evaka · 06/11/2023 08:28

Invite her from lunchtime, you'll feel like a piece of shit knowing she's alone on Xmas day.

AuntieMarys · 06/11/2023 08:30

Iwantmyoldnameback · 06/11/2023 05:56

No one should spend Christmas Day alone. Dont be mean.

Oh they should! Maybe they'd reflect on their behaviour as they sit alone.

Smugandproud · 06/11/2023 08:32

AuntieMarys · 06/11/2023 08:30

Oh they should! Maybe they'd reflect on their behaviour as they sit alone.

Show quote history

In some cases I agree.
This mil can’t be too bad if she spends Christmas with her dil’s family usually.

BIossomtoes · 06/11/2023 08:32

AuntieMarys · 06/11/2023 08:30

Oh they should! Maybe they'd reflect on their behaviour as they sit alone.

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What behaviour?

gotomomo · 06/11/2023 08:34

I can't believe you are even considering not inviting her. The kids love her you write, so how is one extra portion an issue? Plus extra pair of hands to entertain the kids

AuntieMarys · 06/11/2023 08:36

BIossomtoes · 06/11/2023 08:32

What behaviour?

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General behaviour throughout the year which means no one wants them at Xmas...not specifically the OPs situation. Dh 's mother was treated awfully by her partner...yet when she died, his sisters felt obliged to invite this misogynistic, unpleasant man...its always the women who have this sense of " duty". Fuck that.

aswarmofmidges · 06/11/2023 08:36

I'd invite her over for the day

ThatHeSaidSheSaid · 06/11/2023 08:37

Me and MIL don’t particularly get on but are civil, my partner doesn’t enjoy spending time with her either

You need to expand on this. Is she nasty? Why don’t you get on and why doesn’t your partner like being around her?

For me, if she’s kind but just not your favourite person, I’d invite her for a few hours. If she’s an arsehole, she wouldn’t be invited.

ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming · 06/11/2023 09:02

TedMullins · 06/11/2023 07:48

It really isn’t a big deal to be alone at Christmas. My Covid Christmas alone was one of the most relaxing I’ve ever had! Any reasonable person would just accept being told their usual Christmas go-to has different plans this year and make alternative ones for themselves if they wanted. It sounds like she might not be a reasonable person but that’s not your problem.

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No, it isn't a big deal to be alone at Christmas, I will be doing it myself. However, there is a huge difference between spending Christmas alone because you want to, and being alone because no-one, especially close family, has bothered to invite you to spend the day with them.

It's weird that some posters can't grasp that. I don't know a single person in real life who would think it okay not to bother to ask their MIL to spend Christmas with them. Thank goodness I don't have such selfish people as friends.

SleepingStandingUp · 06/11/2023 09:08

Yabu.

You've made a decision of not going to your Mom's which means she's no longer invited. Now you're deciding she can't be with you either. Sorry, I think that's really mean.

Esp. as the kids love her so it'll actually be a help having someone else they love there

SleepingStandingUp · 06/11/2023 09:10

BIossomtoes · 06/11/2023 08:28

The thing is the kids love her. Won’t they ask why she isn’t there? How will you explain that to them? It feels incredibly mean spirited to me.

Oh Mummy just wants it to be OUR family. Remember children, once you're settled with a partner and children, I am not longer your family. Feel free to ignore me every Christmas hence forth.

SleepingStandingUp · 06/11/2023 09:13

NoItsStillNighttimeDarling · 06/11/2023 07:06

Whilst I can totally understand the way you feel, as a mum of boys the thought of this makes my blood run cold!

Yes Def so unto others and you'd like your future older kids do unto you.

My three boys see a Daddy who loves his Mom, who buys presents for his Mom, MIL is with us every Xmas, she visits weekly. If they grow up and exclude me for th sake of their wife, it won't be because of how they were raised.

ThatHeSaidSheSaid · 06/11/2023 09:15

Oh Mummy just wants it to be OUR family. Remember children, once you're settled with a partner and children, I am not longer your family. Feel free to ignore me every Christmas hence forth.

Obviously if this is the case, it isn’t nice, but it may be that the MIL isn’t nice.

Toddlers aren’t alway the best judge of character and wouldn’t know the history if there is any. My kids at that age would have thought anyone was nice if they brought sweets. 😅

letstrythatagain · 06/11/2023 09:17

I wouldn't be happy knowing she was just sat alone at home on Christmas Day. That's a pretty rubbish thing to do. Even if you just invite her over for a few hours so that she can see the children as they love her (as you say). It's one day, don't leave her out.