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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Household Christmas only?

140 replies

Magixx · 06/11/2023 01:31

Feel like I’m probably going to be told i am bu here but wanted to ask others viewpoints.
Bit of background, usually spend Christmas day/dinner at my own parents. My partner and MIL also come with. Partner is an only child, no wider family local and his mother was a single parent and now lives alone. Me and partner have 3 children together, all very young.
This year I said we won’t be travelling to my parents house as its a hassle with 2 toddlers & a baby and the kids just want to play with the new toys at home. I will be cooking Christmas dinner here instead. My parents wont see us on Christmas Day as they will be busy with my siblings/elderly relatives and my mum cooks for about 20 on the day.
Me and MIL don’t particularly get on but are civil, my partner doesn’t enjoy spending time with her either but the children love her.
WIBU to not have her for Christmas dinner/day? I kind of just want our own little family Christmas this year, but I’m aware this may mean she spends Christmas day alone. She does have a handful of close friends but I’m not sure if they would want her there for Christmas. My partner says he feels the same but we both feel obligated to invite her, given that she may be on her own at Christmas, obviously that isn’t our intention. Do I just suck it up, have her here for Christmas lunch? Or explain that its a household christmas this year and she’ll need to make different arrangements?

OP posts:
LifeInTermsOfMusic · 06/11/2023 07:07

I doubt it. I have a hinch OP doesn't like her and her DP goes along with it.

I’d presume there’s more to it and a backstory too but maybe OP will come back and clarify.

WYorkshireRose · 06/11/2023 07:08

YABU.

I have a very similar situation with my own DMum, so it isn't that I don't understand how you feel. But however much I might personally prefer it, I just couldn't imagine the cruelty of having to tell her she was deliberately being excluded from our "household Christmas" celebrations, knowing that would leave her on her own. Fortunately DH feels similarly, or I wouldn't be able to look at him in quite the same way.

Where's your sense of charity?

itwasdifferentinthe90s · 06/11/2023 07:09

I always cringe slightly when I hear the term my own little family

What an unpleasant thing to do to someone

Forsakenalmosthuman · 06/11/2023 07:12

Pointlessly unkind to exclude her.

You'll probably regret this pettiness when she dies and your kids are heartbroken about it.

110APiccadilly · 06/11/2023 07:13

You have a right to not invite her. Unless there's a massive backstory, I'm not convinced you should leave her out though.

I think my first move would be to try and put out feelers for how she'd actually feel about you not inviting her. There's a possibility that she'd actually be happy because it frees her up to do some other option that she's never mentioned to you.

Failing that, two possible compromises are:

  1. Evening Christmas dinner - she arrives mid/ late afternoon.

  2. Household Christmas with a family event including her and maybe some other extended family later in the week. Keep presents from her (and other invitees) back till this day so that they get to see the kids open those presents. We do something like this and it actually works better for our young children as they don't get overwhelmed with presents on one day.

VocalFryUp · 06/11/2023 07:14

What’s the story here OP? Is she horrible?

There is nothing that would make me invite certain relatives for Christmas, some of them really do deserve to be alone as they’re awful people. We wouldn’t leave anyone who is lovely on their own though.

Goldbar · 06/11/2023 07:14

I would invite her given that the children love her. She can help them set up and play with their new toys while you and your DP make dinner together.

But that's just me and also assuming she'd be happy to muck in - I'd forgive a lot for people who my DC love and to have a third set of hands around the house with young children. With a young baby who wants to be held/interacted with constantly, that can be very useful. And I wouldn't want someone who loves and makes an effort with my children (assuming she does) spending Christmas alone.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 06/11/2023 07:15

I don’t know about anybody else, but when I’m a very old bag and even grumpier than I am now (I’m pretty old already) I will almost certainly enjoy telling people who feel they have to invite me for Christmas Day out of duty, because they feel sorry for the poor old thing, that I’m quite happy on my own, thanks very much - eating what I want, when I want, watching what crap TV I want - or reading a book in peace and quiet.

I will probably want to tell them to fuck off with their nobly dutiful kindness, but being habitually polite I will save that until they’re out of earshot.

VocalFryUp · 06/11/2023 07:20

Nobody should be alone without family on Christmas Day

Rubbish. Some people like it. Others have treated others very badly and it’s ok not to show them kindness. If they’re alone without family, they’ve brought it on themselves. That may not apply to OPs MIL obviously, but your blanket statement is a load of shit.

Paddleboarder · 06/11/2023 07:21

I would not leave her alone on Christmas Day. You could tell her your parents are not coming this year and see what her reaction is but for me Christmas is about family and my children have always expected to be with other people and are usually excited to do so.

Motheranddaughter · 06/11/2023 07:23

I couldn’t leave anyone on their own on Christmas Day
To be fair I can’t imagine just having nuclear family ,then it’s just like any other day ?

PurpleWhirple · 06/11/2023 07:29

I would suck it up and invite her. And have in the same situation.

theunbelievabletruth · 06/11/2023 07:31

Hey this is MN you know the answer !

ITS ALL ABOUT YOU AND WHAT YOU WANT.

Sod anyone else. (In fact double-sod to Mothers in law) . Never mind the fact that you can easily have a 'quiet day to yourselves' the other 364 days of the year.... and your decision may well cause heartache and loneliness.

Tis the season of goodwill to yourself.

As long as you realise just what a message you are sending. It's one thing to be unable to host Christmas due to illness and unforeseen circumstances but this is not the case. She is local, you are home and saying 'I don't want you here'. Not nice especially for your children.

ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming · 06/11/2023 07:33

MrsCuthbertson · 06/11/2023 03:38

It's a no brainer.
You invite your MiL.

This. I really don't think you understand what Christmas means, and can't believe that you are happy for your MIL to spend the day alone just so you can have your "own little family Christmas". It is beyond selfish.

Maybe remember that you might be in MIL's position one day in the future.

OfcourseitsaNC · 06/11/2023 07:34

Motheranddaughter · 06/11/2023 07:23

I couldn’t leave anyone on their own on Christmas Day
To be fair I can’t imagine just having nuclear family ,then it’s just like any other day ?

That's about you though, not them and what they want @Motheranddaughter

I spent last Christmas by myself. I was honest with anyone who asked me what I was doing.

The majority looked horrified and offered to host me, as "you can't be by yourself". Including colleagues and friends of friends. I politely brushed off their invites, assuring them that I would call if I got lonely on the day but rest assured I'd be fine.

I can't think of anything worse than being somewhere I don't want to be, fake celebrating with people I don't want to be with.

I had the best time last Christmas Day with my cheeseboard all to myself, endless Bombay on tap and a quart of prawns to boot. Trashy Christmas films all day. Sofa snoozing. Doomscrolling. Messy kitchen. Slobbed out in trackies.

When people asked how my day was after the event, they could see how much I'd enjoyed myself and a couple even said they wished they could have done that rather than run round all day doing what's expected.

Disappointed that I don't get to do it again this year

cheddercherry · 06/11/2023 07:43

Lots of variables, like if she actually wouldn’t mind at all being on her own on Xmas day, or if as others say she’d hang it over you for months afterwards. She might actually prefer being at home and be able to see friends but has never done so as she feels obligated to go with your family.

Also there’s a difference if she’ll play with the kids and make memories together while you and your DH might be busy with food etc, or will she sit there waited on and will there be an atmosphere with the adults?
Despite kids loving someone it’s different if they can then overhear arguments so it totally depends on the level at which you both don’t get on with her to whether her relationship with the kids outweighs inviting her and ruining the day for everyone.

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 06/11/2023 07:43

You’re with I your rights to want Christmas alone with your young family.

I couldn’t do it though. I’d suck it up and invite her as I don’t like to think of people on their own. DH on 2 occasions over the last 20 years has made us not invite family. I’m not so fussed about my parents as they have my siblings there. But if we don’t invite his parents they’re on their own. Thinking of them alone ruins the day for me as I know they’re not the sort to want to be on their own. I get his point that he has two siblings who live in the same village as his parents and never invite them, but us not inviting them doesn’t ever make them think they should. So I’ve told him in no uncertain terms that we will always have his parents if They don’t have other plans. However annoying they can be I’d rather they weren’t alone. But that’s just me. DHs siblings happily don’t invite his parents every year and it doesn’t seem to worry them at all.

Motheranddaughter · 06/11/2023 07:44

Yes of course ,if they genuinely want to be alone I will not force them to come !
Ip

Cadenza12 · 06/11/2023 07:44

Some people invite people they barely know in the spirit of Christmas. It's one day.

Breakingpoint1961 · 06/11/2023 07:47

There are many people who don't mind or even relish the thought of a Christmas alone BUT that's very different when you have a choice, for those who do t have a choice it's a very lonely place to be.

A PP said 'her DP goes along with it' I thought this too. I have a DD and a DS, I have always hoped my DS will find a young lady who is like my DD, who treats her MIL with great respect, kindness and fairly. My SIL is very lucky he has my DD and he's even luckier to have his MIL😉

I fear my DS will meet someone and just 'go along with it' as sadly, many men do.

Totaly · 06/11/2023 07:48

I’m with PP I’d love a Christmas Day on my own!

I really don’t see what the big issues is?

Im assuming you haven’t mentioned this yet to her? She could still go to a friends and May have declined invitees already.

TedMullins · 06/11/2023 07:48

Iwantmyoldnameback · 06/11/2023 05:56

No one should spend Christmas Day alone. Dont be mean.

It really isn’t a big deal to be alone at Christmas. My Covid Christmas alone was one of the most relaxing I’ve ever had! Any reasonable person would just accept being told their usual Christmas go-to has different plans this year and make alternative ones for themselves if they wanted. It sounds like she might not be a reasonable person but that’s not your problem.

Itsnotchristmasyet · 06/11/2023 07:49

I think it would be a very unkind thing to do this close to Christmas.

I would hope that if DH left with the kids one day, you wouldn’t be dropped from going to your mums last minute.

I’d invite her over this year, it doesn’t have to be early morning.

Then if you really don’t want to invite her next year, tell her we’ll in advance so she can try and make other plans.

TedMullins · 06/11/2023 07:50

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 06/11/2023 07:43

You’re with I your rights to want Christmas alone with your young family.

I couldn’t do it though. I’d suck it up and invite her as I don’t like to think of people on their own. DH on 2 occasions over the last 20 years has made us not invite family. I’m not so fussed about my parents as they have my siblings there. But if we don’t invite his parents they’re on their own. Thinking of them alone ruins the day for me as I know they’re not the sort to want to be on their own. I get his point that he has two siblings who live in the same village as his parents and never invite them, but us not inviting them doesn’t ever make them think they should. So I’ve told him in no uncertain terms that we will always have his parents if They don’t have other plans. However annoying they can be I’d rather they weren’t alone. But that’s just me. DHs siblings happily don’t invite his parents every year and it doesn’t seem to worry them at all.

Are his parents separated? Because if they’re still together in the same house they’re not alone, are they…

gannett · 06/11/2023 07:51

My answer is the same as the other big Xas WWYD thread.

If there's a back story of the MIL being objectively unpleasant, mean to you, toxic to be around, responsible for your DP's miserable childhood or even worse (as per the other thread) - of course you shouldn't feel obligated to have her round.

However if there isn't a back story beyond the two of you just not being bestest of friends, I don't think it's OK to exclude her, knowing that you're her default people to spend Xmas with. The "my own little family" narrative doesn't cut it given that she's as immediate family as you get and you say your kids love her.

I'm NC with my mother so I understand how you'd feel in the former scenario. But if it doesn't apply, Xmas isn't a time to exclude anyone.