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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Household Christmas only?

140 replies

Magixx · 06/11/2023 01:31

Feel like I’m probably going to be told i am bu here but wanted to ask others viewpoints.
Bit of background, usually spend Christmas day/dinner at my own parents. My partner and MIL also come with. Partner is an only child, no wider family local and his mother was a single parent and now lives alone. Me and partner have 3 children together, all very young.
This year I said we won’t be travelling to my parents house as its a hassle with 2 toddlers & a baby and the kids just want to play with the new toys at home. I will be cooking Christmas dinner here instead. My parents wont see us on Christmas Day as they will be busy with my siblings/elderly relatives and my mum cooks for about 20 on the day.
Me and MIL don’t particularly get on but are civil, my partner doesn’t enjoy spending time with her either but the children love her.
WIBU to not have her for Christmas dinner/day? I kind of just want our own little family Christmas this year, but I’m aware this may mean she spends Christmas day alone. She does have a handful of close friends but I’m not sure if they would want her there for Christmas. My partner says he feels the same but we both feel obligated to invite her, given that she may be on her own at Christmas, obviously that isn’t our intention. Do I just suck it up, have her here for Christmas lunch? Or explain that its a household christmas this year and she’ll need to make different arrangements?

OP posts:
Spendonsend · 06/11/2023 09:22

Do you amd your little family get any other days each year to be just you?

Every family is different but we get lots of sundays where we have a roast, go for a walk and watch a movie, so inviting people at Christmas seems naturel to us. Otherwise its just like all the other time we get to be just us and doesnt feel like an event.

I also find having people for lunch still gives us a whole morning to be just us. We open some presents and have a special breakfast.

Its a real shame your son doesnt like his mum. If there is much more to this then i get not wanting to be with her. But you say the kids love her.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 06/11/2023 09:23

Similar situation here. I would rather suck it up
Than leave her on her own for Christmas. Utterly miserable unless a day by yourself is something you actively crave.

But you could phrase it as - we've decided to do Christmas by ourselves this year (for the reasons you've outlined) but you are obviously welcome to join us. If you could let us know if you decide to also do something different, visit friends or arrange something yourself if you could please let me know before x so I can finalise food.

We invited MiL to stay on Christmas Eve until 27th as she drives and we were two hours away. Over the years this turned into 5/6 days "to beat the traffic" which was a total pain. So my strong recommendation is to set expectations if you plan to go visiting on Boxing Day or host another family with small children for lunch...... for example. 😏

BIossomtoes · 06/11/2023 09:23

Toddlers aren’t alway the best judge of character

Actually I think they tend to be pretty good judges of character. Regardless, she’s their granny and they love her.

Sunday12 · 06/11/2023 09:24

MrsCuthbertson · 06/11/2023 03:38

It's a no brainer.
You invite your MiL.

Yes. It’s Christmas. A time to show generosity and kindness.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 06/11/2023 09:28

You invite your MIL unless you are so cold hearted you are actually dead inside.

And your husband should be ashamed of himself.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 06/11/2023 09:33

Can you invite her for a specific part of the day? Leaving someone alone at Christmas does seem harsh.

”Our own little family” is all very well but we do all belong to a wider family.

I do understand though, as I think Covid lockdowns have made us all think in terms of households rather than wider family - I know I do more now (and I’m a single parent with two kids).

Personally I quite enjoy being alone but I think alot of older people find it hard (not to generalise)

Itsbecauseiamamumandlovethem · 06/11/2023 09:40

Of course you invite her ! It’s a no brainer . Absolutely no way would I have left my Mum on her own at Christmas .

ThatHeSaidSheSaid · 06/11/2023 10:04

Actually I think they tend to be pretty good judges of character. Regardless, she’s their granny and they love her.

lol...they’re hardly likely to be privy to a potentially complex family history are they? 🙄

My friends father was a terrible man, it took my friend years to be free of him. But even he could manage to impress a couple of toddlers once a month for an hour with sweets and a new toy! Should my friend have said ‘oh well, the kids love him, let’s have him around for Xmas’ and continue to ignore what she, as the adult, had come to realise about him?

Engage your brain.

BIossomtoes · 06/11/2023 10:06

Engage your brain.

Don’t be so fucking rude.

aswarmofmidges · 06/11/2023 10:07

There's a huge difference between don't get on much ( which is what the op said ) and finding someone abusive though !

TedMullins · 06/11/2023 10:14

mrsbyers · 06/11/2023 08:19

Imagine how hurt you will feel in 30 years time when your children don’t want you with them for Christmas and you are left alone

Or, maybe they’ll accept in 30 years time that their children have the right to decide how they want to spend Christmas and be reasonable, normal people about it? I’ve never lived anywhere that was suitable for hosting (house shares then a one bed flat) so I’ve never invited my parents to my place for Christmas in my entire life. I don’t always visit them either because frankly it’s miserable, my dad hates Christmas and my mum spends the whole time moaning about him. I’ve worked over Christmas, volunteered with the homeless (if you want someone to feel sorry for being alone at Christmas, save it for those without any kind of home at all) gone abroad, or spent it with friends. My parents don’t guilt trip me over it because they aren’t emotionally manipulative and if they were, it would only make me less inclined to see them at all.

MaryShelley1818 · 06/11/2023 10:14

I could never leave someone alone on Christmas Day, I just can't imagine what sort of person could do that guilt free unless it's someone who has been horribly abusive for example.

EmmaDilemma5 · 06/11/2023 10:17

Christmas can be really tough for single people. Is there a compromise to be had here?

Could she come for the evening instead for a buffet and film?

YANBU to want your own Christmas and to have people you genuinely want there, but families are usually complicated and require some negotiation to keep them together.

TedMullins · 06/11/2023 10:18

ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming · 06/11/2023 09:02

No, it isn't a big deal to be alone at Christmas, I will be doing it myself. However, there is a huge difference between spending Christmas alone because you want to, and being alone because no-one, especially close family, has bothered to invite you to spend the day with them.

It's weird that some posters can't grasp that. I don't know a single person in real life who would think it okay not to bother to ask their MIL to spend Christmas with them. Thank goodness I don't have such selfish people as friends.

Edited
Show quote history

I genuinely don’t think saying “sorry, we’re just having a quiet one this year with no guests so can we see you before or after the day?” is an issue. “Selfish” is always trotted out as a reason on here not to do something but being selfish isn’t always a bad thing. Everyone is entitled to be selfish sometimes. Any reasonable person would accept someone doesn’t want to host that Christmas and make alternative arrangements for themselves. I don’t know a single person IRL who’d think it was OK to guilt trip someone over that.

ThatHeSaidSheSaid · 06/11/2023 10:20

There's a huge difference between don't get on much ( which is what the op said ) and finding someone abusive though !

Yes, but I was responding to the silliness of saying ‘toddlers are good judges of character’ and ‘regardless, the kids love granny’ comment. Toddlers don’t have a clue because they’re don’t have the facts..obviously because they’re children.

1990thatsme · 06/11/2023 10:21

Not enough info.

Is MIL toxic or just irritating?

Is she local enough to just pop in for Christmas lunch, stay a couple of hours then off home again?

ThatHeSaidSheSaid · 06/11/2023 10:22

Don’t be so fucking rude.

Don't type before thinking. 🤪

UndercoverCop · 06/11/2023 10:24

We protect Christmas Eve as just our time, could you do that? Unless there is a huge backstory I couldn't see someone alone at Christmas if they hadn't chosen it

DarkDarkNight · 06/11/2023 10:39

I think that’s awful, sorry. If she had a partner perhaps it would just about be ok, but I couldn’t enjoy my Christmas knowing I was leaving my child’s grandparent all alone.

Fast forward a few decades and think about how you would feel.

Ktime · 06/11/2023 10:44

I think it all depends on why you don’t get on.

If she’s merely not your cup of tea then I think YABU.

But if she behaves badly then YANBU.

Who will do the hosting? If it’s you, would you resent having her less if your DH did the hosting?

Original poster
Magixx · 06/11/2023 10:47

There is more of a backstory as to why we don’t like to spend time with her of course but I don’t want to go into too much detail; quite outing and its not a bashing MIL thread.
If I knew she 100% wouldn’t be alone at Christmas the answer would be easy. Of course my post was because I felt leaving her on her own, on Christmas Day would be not kind despite neither of us ‘wanting’ her there. I think the general consensus is to invite her for dinner (she is local so no overnights required) so we can still have some down time, which I think is what we’ll be doing.

OP posts:
ToadOnTheHill · 06/11/2023 10:49

Yabu. Whether he likes her or not, unless he is no/low contact for a good reason then she needs to be invited.

You manage it by inviting her for (a late) lunch and offering husband to drop her home after the Kings speech. Use the reasoning that you want to wind the kids down, get the kids to bed early after all the excitement and pack away. It doesnt have to be true.

Then you only need to manage about 4 hours and a good chunk of that will be eating and watching tv.

Ktime · 06/11/2023 10:50

I think the general consensus is to invite her for dinner (she is local so no overnights required) so we can still have some down time, which I think is what we’ll be doing.

I think that’s a good approach from you, OP.

Maybe DH could also sound her out by saying to her you’re doing things differently this year and that she is welcome to come to dinner but that if she wants to have Xmas at a friend’s that’s fine too.

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 06/11/2023 10:50

Tell your mil about your plan to stay at home this year and ask her what she wants to do. She can come to you for lunch, say from 12-4pm, or make her own arrangements for the day.

Give her firm parameters and let her make her own way there and back.

Newestname002 · 06/11/2023 10:51

@Magixx

I think the general consensus is to invite her for dinner (she is local so no overnights required) so we can still have some down time, which I think is what we’ll be doing.

I think you and your partner need to be really clear about her arrival and departure times, to set the expectations for everyone. Is your partner going to collect from and drop her back home? That way you both keep control of the day. 🌹