Sibling not coming to destination wedding - AIBU?

[hopefullynotbridezilla]

Anon for this..

Firstly I want to preface with I know that expecting people to travel to a long haul destination wedding isn't fair. So happy to be told we are being unreasonable on this but interested to know peoples thoughts..

Fiancés sibling was invited to our wedding (USA location, so a reasonable flight). Sibling never acknowledged either of us to say whether they would attend or not. We then heard through MIL that they weren't coming. We hadn't been contacted or even congratulated on the engagement.

We are a little hurt they aren't coming as they have high income and low outgoings (accommodation, bills and food all provided with job - not struggling, spend on designer clothes and shop in premium supermarkets, just for context that they aren't on minimum wage) also single and no children.

But obviously we need to suck it up on that one as we do feel a bit hurt but ultimately it was our choice to hold the wedding abroad and even if people can afford it they are completely fair to just not want to spend their money and time on the whole debacle of it all. I guess the reason we are hurt is they are the only close sibling/friend not coming so it stung a little bit.

But what I'm wondering is are we being unreasonable to expect to be told this directly? Whether phone, email or carrier pigeon I don't care.. but going through someone else is just a bit off. That's the bit that has hurt my fiancé the most as it's like he hasn't even acknowledged the engagement or the invite itself.

Not sure if we are being over sensitive on this so happy to be corrected!

Thank you everyone for the nice posts understanding where I am coming from on this.

I don't think anyone is really being unreasonable here in the situation.. he is justified in his discomfort at responding. We probably didn't think about it enough from his perspective.

This thread has been really helpful so thanks for the replies everyone.

You lost me at "also.single, no children." Being childfree doesn't make people any more obliged to dance to your tune - they're allowed a life and priorities of their own.

They should have told you directly. Maybe you should have discussed the idea of a destination wedding beforehand?

Is there a possibility that they cannot visit the US? Past, unknown to you, convictions. I believe they can be a bit arsy about who they let in.

came across to me as OP explaining that as he's childfree he's without complications of arranging childcare/booking flights for anyone but himself etc.

"Wow thanks again for the judgement. Vanity wedding for wanting my birth parents to be able to be there as it might be my only chance? Do you need to be so mean when you clearly haven't read this properly"

Yes, we understand that you REALLY WANT these wedding plans. But you must try to realise what a difficult position it puts your guests in.

What is it with your fiancé that he can’t just pick up the phone and ask why he hasn’t RSVPd?

I am not really understanding why your fiancé won't give his own sibling a call and speak to them directly?

To Hopefullynotbridezilla Have a lovely wedding and read nearly all responses and hope I initially did not come across mean as you answered everyone on here really nicely and explained as much as you could and hopefully he can go to the uk party. Really difficult for someone who feels socially awkward as they will probably be fine on the day when there but it is the building up in their head all the worry and things and that is the worst bit.

No you are not being unreasonable at being miffed that he has not acknowledged your wedding, the invitations etc but face facts, he hasn't and obviously isn't going to. In addition, he has form for it and he has form for being antisocial.

This is clearly one of those family situations where someone says 'oh you know what Bob is like' and everyone just accepts it and moves on with more important things or you take umbrage and start WW3.

Your decision.

Most definitely won't be starting a war over it. If anything this has helped me understand things from his perspective a bit more and I feel quite bad. Especially as I struggle with things not too dissimilar to it myself sometimes.

I think it is a case of this is just how he is, he doesn't mean to come across as rude and we haven't thought about how he might be feeling and that he feels in a really awkward position. I absolutely hate saying no to people and am a massive people pleaser myself (hence probably why I do all the gift shopping 😅) so I really should have known better and seen it through his eyes before now.

I really appreciate all the responses, though I still don't understand the destination wedding hate (or if my wedding indeed qualifies as one really)

@hopefullynotbridezilla I think that your wedding sounds lovely and far from selfish!

My adult dc is autistic. If something makes them uncomfortable they appear to ignore it but go through a million scenarios in their head!

I wouldn’t write him off just yet. Would it be possible for him to attend if he decides last minute to go? Obviously flights and stuff but could you include him in the numbers regardless?

Glad everyone's managed to get in their dose of ragging on other people's wedding choices on a thread where OP has repeatedly explained that it's only abroad so that her dying parent can attend.

I love this

Right. It's all a bunch of projection.

People always do this when it comes to holidays /weddings abroad.

It's ridiculous.

Does he ever travel to the US? They are strict on entry laws and some people are not allowed into the country

Your SIL should have told her brother.

Is he not in regular normal communication with his sister?

I mean a real voice phone call?
He should be able to tell her how much he wants her there etc and discuss the whole issue. She then can say why it is that they can not attend. It might be a logical decision.
You partner needs to speak with his sister to understand.

YABVU expecting them to attend (and for thinking you get any say on how they spend their money).

If you sent a proper invite then they should have informed you directly that they wouldn't be coming.

Of course, they should have responded but perhaps they're embarrassed. On the surface they may look as if they can afford it but the reality may be somewhat different

He resents his brother for something

let your OH call him up directly and ask him about it. It’s not on, it’s impolite

He may not be able to enter the US if he has a criminal record. He may have a serious flying phobia. He may not want to RSVP because he knows that the usual " can't get time off" excuses don't quite cut it for a siblings wedding but he doesn't want to tell you the real reason he can't come.

You're really not helping yourself with all of your snidey comments about him. Then your remark of "and move on without calling him out", trying to make out like you're a better person for not "calling him out". Like WTF do you think you have any right to call him out? Who do you think you are? Just leave the guy alone.

You've made so many assumptions about his financial situation and his life in general, when actually, it doesn't sound like you know him that well, and even so, knowing him well doesn't even mean you'd know any details...you only have to look at the current thread on the poor woman who has just found out about her own husband's crippling debt. You don't know the ins and outs of this guy's life.

For whatever reason, he didn't formally reply to the RSVP, but you did get a response via MIL, so you did get a response. So why the massive thread about it? It's perfectly normal for a close relation to give a response via a bride/groom's parent. I would never have expected my sister or future SIL to respond formally. So in this respect, I think you're being dramatic and yes, a bridezilla.

I'm wondering if you'll be posting in 5 years time complaining of parents not responding to DC birthday party invites.

I think if you have a destination wedding your really not bothered who goes

The whole point of this destination wedding is because she IS bothered who's there. The birth parent who's dying.

FFS...

I mean, it's not like she's asking them to some kind of pagan sexual ritual. All he has to do is make up some excuse and say no. Total radio silence / ignoring an invite totally suggests there's more going on (I have executive dysfunction fwiw and this sounds like something I might struggle with, but it may be any other reason as well)

As you've agreed with my point I really think potential visa anxiety is up there too as a reason not to want to talk about it.