Sibling not coming to destination wedding - AIBU?

[hopefullynotbridezilla]

Anon for this..

Firstly I want to preface with I know that expecting people to travel to a long haul destination wedding isn't fair. So happy to be told we are being unreasonable on this but interested to know peoples thoughts..

Fiancés sibling was invited to our wedding (USA location, so a reasonable flight). Sibling never acknowledged either of us to say whether they would attend or not. We then heard through MIL that they weren't coming. We hadn't been contacted or even congratulated on the engagement.

We are a little hurt they aren't coming as they have high income and low outgoings (accommodation, bills and food all provided with job - not struggling, spend on designer clothes and shop in premium supermarkets, just for context that they aren't on minimum wage) also single and no children.

But obviously we need to suck it up on that one as we do feel a bit hurt but ultimately it was our choice to hold the wedding abroad and even if people can afford it they are completely fair to just not want to spend their money and time on the whole debacle of it all. I guess the reason we are hurt is they are the only close sibling/friend not coming so it stung a little bit.

But what I'm wondering is are we being unreasonable to expect to be told this directly? Whether phone, email or carrier pigeon I don't care.. but going through someone else is just a bit off. That's the bit that has hurt my fiancé the most as it's like he hasn't even acknowledged the engagement or the invite itself.

Not sure if we are being over sensitive on this so happy to be corrected!

I would step right back from this person. Forget cards and presents for birthdays, forget invitations to any but the major events (and even then, expect a decline).

However…

”USA location, so a reasonable flight” - surely that does not necessarily follow. Where in the US (it’s quite vast), where would guests be coming from, and what kind of tolerance (not to mention budget) do guests have for long-haul flights?

Did that feel good? 🙄

Destination weddings are always tricky because so much planning involved

I would have contacted you directly and politely declined. There is no way I would travel to USA for a wedding!

@hopefullynotbridezilla The reason people are focusing on whether or not he wants to go to your destination wedding is because that is how you phrased your OP and title. If it is just about the lack of rsvp, then you should have worded it that way. No real need to mention the destination wedding, except in passing?

If they don't read the post that is their fault.. surely the post is the context and what you reply to as there's only so much you can summarise in an opening line.. that's what I felt the topic was, apologies that some seem to think I should sit there and analyse the title as some posters don't read posts and just respond to titles. That seems awfully bizarre to me, and thankfully many lovely posters did read the post and my subsequent replies and therefore have the full context. everyone else is irrelevant I guess.

My goodness @hopefullynotbridezilla you're getting kicking from some people on here!

I thought your posts have been clear and the reason why it's being held there understandable... I had to turn down an invitation to a close relative's wedding in the USA plus duties as her maid of honour, for various reasons including finances. I didn't like having to say no, but did it as soon as I could, directly to her and moved on.

As I've read often on MN, "it's an invitation, not a summons!"

Hope your wedding goes without any hitches. 🌹

But the title sets the tone of your OP. Why not mention the rsvp aspect in there right from the start?
”Partner’s sibling hasn’t acknowledged our wedding invite”
I guarantee you would have got a different set of responses.

Title should be sibling rude not to reply to our wedding invite.
No backstory about wedding destinations required but obviously you either felt the destination was relevant to why he didn't reply, like pissed off at you, or just wanted to tell the world it wasn't your ordinary wedding venue.

This is an extremely judgemental and mean comment. Aren’t all weddings a celebration of the bride and groom??

They should have given you a response. Did you text or call them to see if they can come?
We turned down a wedding in New Jersey, last week as it's just too far for our daughter. She'd hate flying from Dublin to Philadelphia then getting a lift to new jersey. Plus it wasn't the school holidays at the time. I've heard if you pick a destination wedding then expect only 10%-20% of people you want to come to actually can make it.

I haven't read all the responses so thus may have been suggested but if you or your hubby to be is too embarrassed to call and ask, just send a text "hey bro, the deadline for. Rsvping for our wedding has passed and we need to finalise numbers and pay the balance now. Can you confirm by tomorrow night if you can make it please? No worries if you can't. Will catch up with you when we are back.". If he blanks you, then you know there is something bigger going on than just a USA wedding. If he responds yes, yeehah. If he responds no, at least you know. Otherwise if you just assume he isn't coming you run the risk that he either turns up on the day uncatered for or he thinks you don't care enough to follow up to see what the issue is and this situation becomes far bigger than it needs to be. Good luck resolving and congratulations on your engagement and forthcoming wedding x

Your description of this lovely guy obviously answers your original question. I think you're being mean TBH. Leave the guy alone.

Hi OP

Congratulations on your wedding and sorry to hear the reason why you are having your wedding abroad, is not a happier one. But it's a wonderful idea and I'm sure they are very grateful that you are bringing the wedding to them.

In respect of your BIL, I genuinely think you could be reading too much into it. He sounds quite socially awkward and as hurtful as it feels, I doubt it was done with malice. He might have told his mum, and she might have said that she would pass on the message and he might have thought that was enough if he's a person of few words. Equally, he might not realise that he hasn't congratulated you personally, or needs to. Socially awkward people don't necessarily realise these things or are so busy tying themselves up in knots trying to cope with social situations they don't realise their their behaviour couod appear rude.

It doesn't make it right, but I always feel if things are done without malice, then it's worth cutting people some slack.

He might surprise you with a lovely wedding present, or some grand gesture which is his way of showing his support to you both.

Or he could be a bit of a dick, selfish and rude. But if you don't generally get those vibes from him ( and you haven't really said that you do) may be it would be worth you or your fiance being the bigger person and ring him and ask if he's ok as you hadn't heard from him about the wedding and open the dialogue for a bit of closure.

Whatever happens, have the most wonderful day.

Their choice to come or not but bloody rude they didn’t have the respect or manners to tell you directly. Also depends on the kind of relationship they have of course but not unreasonable to expect they to let you know directly, it’s called adult behaviour.

You say that you want to be congratulated on your engagement and your invitation acknowledged but this seems rather a formal way to communicate between siblings. Didn’t your husband call to tell them about the engagement? Haven’t they discussed the wedding arrangements? Hasn’t this come up in conversation or don’t they speak? Radio silence works both ways.

What was your fiancé’s relationship like with their sibling before you two got together? And what’s the age difference?
When you plan an overseas wedding you have to expect that it’s not for everyone. However its good manners to accept/decline directly.

People always behave weirdly when it comes to weddings. No idea why friends family they do random off key things. I wouldn’t worry about it. One less mouth to few if they don’t want to come. You will be more cut throat closer to the time

I think the other brother is in love with you he's going to show up to object !

In seriousness though it's bad manners to not rsvp but people these days aren't very clued up on traditional manners ?

You’ve done something to upset them to the point they don’t want to even acknowledge your engagement.

The only way you’ll know is to ask.

Also never assume that someone will be happy to spend their hard earned cash and limited holiday days on you, just because they can afford to; what an entitled expectation.

They should respond directly, and maybe will.

But YABVU to expect anyone to attend these pretentious expensive “please celebrate me” events

so this

I would be telling your fiancé to give his DB a call and just say “hey, heard from mum you’re not coming to the wedding? Everything okay? Gutted you can’t be there but I understand if it’s not your thing” otherwise this is just going to fester and will genuinely ruin the brother’s relationship with each other. Might be a little awkward now but best to get it out the way.

Has it crossed your mind that you have really hurt him by choosing to have your wedding in America?

It is a massive ask. If he feels is just too big- he may feel excluded from his brother’s wedding.

Although you have your reasons, you have effectively prioritised another family member over him.

You seem to realise what an imposition it is on people and say they can decline for any reason. You also said you expected him to say no.

I would have thought that given all this you could be generous enough to allow him a little leeway in this difficult conversation/communication that he now has to have with his brother, without a character assassination on the internet.

Has it crossed your mind that you have really hurt him by choosing to have your wedding in America?

oh boo hoo