Sibling not coming to destination wedding - AIBU?

[hopefullynotbridezilla]

Anon for this..

Firstly I want to preface with I know that expecting people to travel to a long haul destination wedding isn't fair. So happy to be told we are being unreasonable on this but interested to know peoples thoughts..

Fiancés sibling was invited to our wedding (USA location, so a reasonable flight). Sibling never acknowledged either of us to say whether they would attend or not. We then heard through MIL that they weren't coming. We hadn't been contacted or even congratulated on the engagement.

We are a little hurt they aren't coming as they have high income and low outgoings (accommodation, bills and food all provided with job - not struggling, spend on designer clothes and shop in premium supermarkets, just for context that they aren't on minimum wage) also single and no children.

But obviously we need to suck it up on that one as we do feel a bit hurt but ultimately it was our choice to hold the wedding abroad and even if people can afford it they are completely fair to just not want to spend their money and time on the whole debacle of it all. I guess the reason we are hurt is they are the only close sibling/friend not coming so it stung a little bit.

But what I'm wondering is are we being unreasonable to expect to be told this directly? Whether phone, email or carrier pigeon I don't care.. but going through someone else is just a bit off. That's the bit that has hurt my fiancé the most as it's like he hasn't even acknowledged the engagement or the invite itself.

Not sure if we are being over sensitive on this so happy to be corrected!

@ReadingSoManyThreads interesting, I do think you are in your minority that hearing a response through the grapevine from a grown man's mother makes sense.

I think it would've been still odd but a bit less confusing if he'd deliberately told her "please pass on my apologies as I won't be able to come" or something. But if there's zero communication from him and maybe when asked MIL says "oh yes he's told me he won't be coming", I would be taken aback too.

Ordinarily, it would be like that person has a grudge or is avoiding the inviter or something, but I think there's possibly a bit more going on here in terms of grasp of social norms, executive dysfunction, or childish family dynamics (no judgment).

I'm not surprised anyone would refuse an invite to a "destination wedding ".

That's fair enough, but it's completely the norm in my culture! I wouldn't call it the grapevine though, it's literally the bride or groom's parent. When I couldn't make my cousin's wedding, I explained it on the phone to her mum. When my husband-to-be's cousin had an issue with the invite, we heard via his Mum, and sorted it out via his Mum. It's just normal in our culture and nothing to get offended over!

Has he given any reason to his parents or other siblings?

Has anyone spoken to him directly about it?

I would stop sending Christmas / birthday presents. Do they send to you?

Weird not to congratulate you, but perfectly reasonable not to attend your wedding abroad. A little rude not to rsvp, but then again I'd find it a bit off if my sibling planned a wedding abroad without checking family were up for attending one abroad, so I don't think it's a huge deal really.

It's perfectly normal for a close relation to give a response via a bride/groom's parent.

No it's not.

Not read the whole thread as I think you answered your own Q early on.

They were close and used to do stuff together. Then you and OH got together so he lost his best friend (if he is as shy and not social as you say) and now the wedding is sealing that.

I suspect that he has emotionally drawn a line under his loss of the friendship and doesnt want to see his former best friend making a committment to his new best friend (as he may view it). I suspect that he is hurting and is hiding away because of that.

The wedding invitation was probably the tin lid on a situation that was already painful for him so he filed it under "do not think about" which is why he hasnt responded formally.

You seem to be focussing on your OHs feelings over this and not giving any thought to your future BIL and what his feelings may be that have brought him to this from what had been a close relationship.

And is he selfish?

I am an eye roller when people mention aspergers etc when someone acts badly but there is something about this makes me wonder if there is actually more to his behaviour. I know someone on the spectrum and they really dont get the social expectations thing, you give me a gift, I give you a gift. Transaction closed. You are getting married, you are happy about it, ok. Shy, socially awkward......

Feel free to search my past posts, I think that this is actually the first time when I have suggested ND for someones behaviour.

They should have responded formally to your invitation to accept or decline but they are not required to say why they are declining. I decline almost every wedding invitation we receive because we just don't like weddings- complete waste of time and money and usually very boring. I don't say that, I just say 'Thank you for the invitation, we will not be attending but hope you have a lovely day and a long, happy future together' and send a card and gift voucher/present to the wedding.

Who got the birthday/holiday gifts for BIL before you started doing it? Did BIL send gifts before you were with your partner? Does he now? Did your partner and BIL talk on the phone/text or hang out together before you were in the picture? Do they now or do they just interact at family events? Did MIL always pass messages between the siblings?

I do find it rude that BIL didn’t RSVP, but I also find it really strange that your partner didn’t contact him and ask him directly when the RSVP date passed.

It seems probable that your partner’s family, at minimum BIL, are used to passing messages through MIL rather than communicating directly. This may be why BIL told his mom instead of your partner. It doesn’t seem like he is comfortable participating in family events in general. This may just be their family dynamic and the best thing you can do is accept it.

My DH has never bought gifts for most of his family. In his family, they don’t really do that. Parents buy Christmas/birthday gifts for their kids and everyone else just says happy birthday or merry Christmas. After my DH and I married, I started a calendar with everyone’s birthdays. His aunt pulled me aside and let me know not to buy anything because it wouldn’t be reciprocated and would probably make them uncomfortable. My family was always big on gifts for every occasion, so my DH had to get used to that.

I think it's significant that he didn't congratulate his brother on the engagement. Have you considered that he might not think you're a well suited couple?

Or you could just have listed a very early RSVP date and he hasn't thought of replying yet.

i get it op you just want him to tell you hmself

how old is he doesnt sound very mature

personally id pretend i didnt know and say oh you never rspvd are you not coming

Your fiancé's sibling appears to want the drama to be on them by not returning an invite/ talking to his brother and creating more theatrics by passing the refusal to your MIL. Lots of families sibling groups may have one dramatist who probably has no inclination to wish you the very best. Don't give them any oxygen for their skill at taking the goodwill/ joy from your event....move on and enjoy your day. Your Day is about you and fiance not this rude individuals behaviour.

I think it's significant that he didn't congratulate his brother on the engagement.

@JustWimpy I think that massively depends on how OP told him they were engaged. It'd very unusual to say directly to someone "aw we are engaged" and for them to not respond with some sort of congrats.

If you can't afford it then you just don't go. If I was invited I wouldn't have any judgement about that. It's very nice of OP and DP to offer to make a contribution towards guest's costs. She has said they were going to keep it small but others told them they wanted to come. They are paying for their parents, best man and maid of honour flights - quite generous of them. She's also explained their (valid) reasons for holding wedding in America.

OP just wants some sort of acknowledgement - for her DP more than anything, but has stated maybe she/they didn't think enough about it from the brother's perspective.

I still don't understand the destination wedding hate (or if my wedding indeed qualifies as one really)

Me neither. Can I come to the wedding @hopefullynotbridezilla? I would love to go to a "destination" wedding abroad somewhere!

Then this surely isn't unexpected?

Some people are avoidant when it comes to social norms. It's a personality defect.

I'm sorry your fiance has been burned by this sibling more than once. Blowing off a wedding invitation is hurtful, but maybe it's the eye opener your fiance needs in order to recalibrate his expectations for the future of the relationship. Perhaps he can see it as the peeling off of a plaster. It has been pulled off little by little over the years. This is the last and most painful rip.

It's hard to grieve a relationship that you had high hopes for, especially when the relationship is with a sibling. But he is going to have to face the truth here and do some grieving, for his own emotional protection.

What reason did he give your MIL for not going?
Presumably when she told you, she didn't just say 'by the way, (DB) isn't coming to the wedding' and no more? Or if she did, did one of you ask if he said why?

Op has said it was discussed at a family meal. But they can't cancel the whole wedding in America because one sibling is choosing not to go, however much their like him to be there

Did you read ANY of ops posts? How many times does she have to say they never expected them to have to attend, she's never claimed a right to decide how he spends his money. In fact, the whole point is you AGREE with op but can't do it without having a side dig

@hopefullynotbridezilla Clearly your fiancé's brother should have responded directly to the invitation, whether formally or informally. There have been some helpful suggestions regarding why he might have found that difficult.

I do think it's important to acknowledge, though, that your fiancé also appears to have some difficulty with potentially tricky conversations. I can think of no scenario in my family where, if my mother had told me a sibling was not coming to my wedding, I would not have spoken directly to that sibling, whether face-to-face or by phone. (There are 4 of us, all different, but I thank we would all do that).

You haven't really commented on that aspect in your replies, and you're not required to do so, but it's probably worth thinking about.

Could you please consider that he may just be very inept at etiquette? I've been told through the years that I was expected to have done such-and-such a thing and it's honestly never occurred to me. People think l'm intentionally rude but I genuinely don't always know what I'm supposed to do. I can attend family birthdays and realize I never even got the honoree a card. I want to melt into the floor and hope nobody notices. You say he's very shy and very talented. He may genuinely not know he's supposed to officially RSVP and perhaps even thinks everyone just knows of course he's not going. If your fiancé had just asked his brother ahead of time and said he hoped he would attend, that his presence was important to him, might there be a different outcome? I'm voting (as an inept-at-etiquette person myself) that he doesn't even realize he's done anything "wrong".

Sorry but so much drama when you e had months to actually ask him directly if he would be going.

What drama? OP said they were a bit upset - OP more on behalf of her DP than herself. She has also explained why they didn't want to put him on the spot