Sibling not coming to destination wedding - AIBU?

[hopefullynotbridezilla]

Anon for this..

Firstly I want to preface with I know that expecting people to travel to a long haul destination wedding isn't fair. So happy to be told we are being unreasonable on this but interested to know peoples thoughts..

Fiancés sibling was invited to our wedding (USA location, so a reasonable flight). Sibling never acknowledged either of us to say whether they would attend or not. We then heard through MIL that they weren't coming. We hadn't been contacted or even congratulated on the engagement.

We are a little hurt they aren't coming as they have high income and low outgoings (accommodation, bills and food all provided with job - not struggling, spend on designer clothes and shop in premium supermarkets, just for context that they aren't on minimum wage) also single and no children.

But obviously we need to suck it up on that one as we do feel a bit hurt but ultimately it was our choice to hold the wedding abroad and even if people can afford it they are completely fair to just not want to spend their money and time on the whole debacle of it all. I guess the reason we are hurt is they are the only close sibling/friend not coming so it stung a little bit.

But what I'm wondering is are we being unreasonable to expect to be told this directly? Whether phone, email or carrier pigeon I don't care.. but going through someone else is just a bit off. That's the bit that has hurt my fiancé the most as it's like he hasn't even acknowledged the engagement or the invite itself.

Not sure if we are being over sensitive on this so happy to be corrected!

Ever thought that maybe he/she just doesn't want to go to your wedding wherever it is ?

Birth parents are American yes.

No it's not about hitting quotas etc I've explained it up thread. We will just assume he's a no though.

"I think it is a social reason in that they don't
know the friends and don't enjoy big groups. They prefer smaller situations and are a bit different to the average guy.. so I think they might feel like they wouldn't fit in or would be the odd one out."

I think this was quite a big drip feed tbh. The more you have posted the clearer it has become that your fiancé's brother is socially awkward and doesn't necessarily understand or follow the unspoken rules of social communication. (Agree with PPs that it sounds as if he might be autistic but of course no one can diagnose over the internet.)

I had said that he sounds selfish but that was early in the thread before I'd read your subsequent posts, and I take it back. I don't think he sounds selfish at all. Just unaware that he has to RSVP or doesn't know what to say and how to say it.

Maybe you and your fiancé should educate yourselves a bit about autism and without worrying about diagnosing him just try and consider the best ways of communicating with him that will help him to feel as comfortable as possible.

Ultimately though it's your fiancé's sibling not yours so he should be taking the lead and making as much if not more effort than you. Sounds as if you've fallen into the classic role of doing the "wife work" (cards, presents etc for his family) and you're not even married yet.

It’s bad manners not to RSVP to a wedding invitation. Regardless if it’s a destination wedding or the church at the end of the street.

For a lot of people on MN as soon as they read that you're having a wedding abroad they've already got their daggers out. So they'll have decided you're being unreasonable no matter the other details of your post.

If he doesn't want to go that's one thing but it's weird as fuck that he didn't tell his sibling directly, but instead got his mummy to pass the message on.

Yes OP destination weddings are not ok on MN- also asking guests to travel within the UK also gets angry responses - unless you and your DP both grew up in the same town marrying in a location all of the guests can access on foot from their homes, then some MNers will view the invite as rude.

You might have got a different response if you opened with “my parents don’t live in the UK and we want to get married near their house as one of them is too sick to travel, so this means our UK guests would have to travel to my parents’ town”. But some would still see the very act of inviting someone to an overseas wedding as rude.

(my favourite of this genre was a sister of the bride who was very angry her sister was so rude to invite them to an overseas wedding rather than just get married at home as all the rest of the family did - then turned out the sister lived in this other country, the church was 5 minutes from the couple’s house and one they went to, the poster would not have it that this didn’t constitute a destination wedding and was a home wedding. Was really interesting how many people view the town they grew up in as “home” and couldn’t imagine if you lived somewhere else, that new town would become “home”.)

Thank you, I completely understand this. I appreciate you explaining how you go through this type of thing. I don't have autism but do have adhd and can be very similar sometimes. So I am sensitive to this and reading that does make me realise I probably haven't cut him enough slack here.

So if all you want is clarity, pick up the phone and ask him. Sorted.

stop being such a drama queen.

Of course. It wasn't ever about that. Him not wanting to come isn't because he hates us.

I am sorry if I am wrong - but I am guessing neither of you spoke to him to invite him. ie how exciting we are getting married in the US etc etc. I get the impression you have sent him a formal invitation and he has not responded to this. If this is correct, if I am honest it doesn't sound like your partner is close to his brother if this way of telling him about the wedding was to send a formal invite?

I don't appreciate the comments about needing to educate myself about autism. I have adhd and there is a lot of overlap and so I understand it very well. I didn't want to throw that around as some kind of reason because a) he isn't diagnosed and b) it sounds like I am trying to say autistic people are rude and selfish which I'm not

Did I say anything about him hating either of you ?

Not wanting to go is a good enough reason in my book

Hey OP, I totally understand where you are coming from and you sound very lovely and understanding, and I have read all of your replies. I think in this situation as much as you say ‘you understand people not coming for whatever reasons etc etc’ the person on the receiving end may think they will look like the bad guy for not attending.

You have mentioned he is shy and socially awkward I can imagine for him telling you he isn’t attending for whatever reason may be very difficult for him.

he has mentioned it to his mum probably knowing she will tell you and your OH (which is what has happened), he is likely expecting you to reach out without having to do it himself.

When you next meet f2f the wedding is likely to come up naturally so this may be a good time to broach the situation.

weddings do bring out strange dynamics in people and he may have valid reasons for not attending and genuinely doesn’t want you/his brother to be upset.

my sister got married abroad and honestly spending time with her friends for any amount of time was my idea of a nightmare, not to mention the fact it was very expensive for my whole family to fly out there. I mentioned the expensive once which massively backfired as she got very upset and told me I should use this as our ‘family holiday too’ which I stupidly responded to that it isn’t up to her where I take my family holidays. Needless to say I went to the wedding of course and we did have a lovely time but there had been a definite shift in our relationship that I can’t seem to heal.

the reason I mention this is possibly he thinks that you and his brother may have an adverse reaction to him not attending or that you may think badly of him.

I have picked up on that, lessons learned!

He's just a bit different, reading through all the replies I am understanding it all a bit more. I feel bad if we have made him feel uncomfortable. I am not even sure he would have felt comfortable if the wedding was in the UK either. I don't even think he feels comfortable spending Christmas with all of the family 😞

If you can't read the whole thread please just keep scrolling by

I have answered that we spoke about it at a family dinner

Thank you for this reply. You're completely right with this and everyone's replies on here have made me see it slightly differently.

I think definitely wait for the subject to come up (we are not ones to talk about it unless it comes up, usually by very excited MIL) and then we can quickly gloss over it and move on without calling him out.

@EatYourVegetables so unnecessary the OP states several time she never expects anyone to come, why the dig? Are you jealous or bored or both?

YANBU at all OP. It would’ve been polite for him to RSVP properly. Also you have very clearly stated that you understand that not everyone will want to attend a destination wedding, so I have no idea why you’re getting so much grief.

Jesus it's so tedious when people keep banging on about destination weddings. That's really not the point of the op. And no we don't need to know why op is marrying abroad she doesn't have to justify her choices.
As for bil he does sound as though he has social anxiety and just didn't know how to reply. Hope you have a lovely wedding op.

@Changingplace OP has never she said she expected brother to come but she expected a direct rsvp, apologies I assume English isn’t your first lesson due to your comprehension skills ☺️

You do say in your OP that 'We are a little hurt they aren't coming' and I was responding to that- not making a kneejerk response to the whole idea of a destination wedding..

You do modify this in subsequent posts, and perhaps I (and maybe others) have not RTFT sufficiently, for which I apologize.

@hopefullynotbridezilla I’ll be honest and admit that whenever I receive invitations saying that there will be a local party after a destination wedding, I refuse the invitation and say I’ll just attend the local party. Could it be that BIL just thinks why bother with all the faff of travelling when you’ll celebrate here afterwards? Does he enjoy travelling?

I think it is rubbish but I can imagine some single men being rubbish at life admin. You mention he’s the youngest and he’s used to being babied, maybe he thought telling his mum was Sufficent and “formal” RSV ping was something people who didn’t know you so well did! Just an alternative idea. My DP is youngest of big family and he’s a bit rubbish at doing things I think are basic with his family and I think he’s just been allowed to get away with it.

YANBU, he should have told you directly.

But maybe if he's the youngest child/socially awkward, he's used to telling mummy, and mummy sorts it for him, at least for stuff within the family. So he wouldn't feel it was necessary to communicate with you directly. Sort of like how my 5yo sulks and says "don't want to" when we're asked for a playdate with someone they're not gelling with or somewhere they find boring, and I'm left to communicate their refusal in a socially acceptable manner. I hope I'm not having to do this for DC1 in 30 years time.