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Original poster

Dh hates my job

342 replies

Easiertogiveup88 · 05/11/2023 10:03

Dh and I have been having some issues for a while but they've got worse in the last year and he's blaming it on my job

Background, we have been married 9 years together 18 and have 2 children - 7 and 2. He does shift work and I have an office (WFH 3-4) days a week

I changed role this time last year after being unhappy in my job, staying at the same company though. I love me job and the training and development opportunities I have had over the last year have been incredible. However although I WFH most of the week there are times I have to be in the office or work some unsociable hours (think very early starts or late nights) and the majority of the time I can work these around DH's shifts. I have asked him once to book annual leave for something for me which he didn't so I re-arranged my plans, not an issue.

I've been given an opportunity for a team day out near Christmas (not a party but a Christmas activity) but it clashes with him being on a night shift so I had arranged for my mum to come and look after the DC overnight (as it would involve an overnight stay) and DH would need to drop the kids off after his shift to school/nursery and drop my mum home (10 mins away)

He has point blank refused. Said I've put him in a horrible position and all I think about is work. And that I'm selfish and he wants me to go back to my old role where he knew he wasn't going to be asked to do anything on his working days.

He has also complained I work too much as he has been on a late shift this week and I have had my laptop out when he has got home. I have been doing some personal development and e-learning and he wasn't home anyway and it was after the kids were in bed.

I should also add he goes to football EVERY Saturday or on days out with the lads most weekends so I pick up the childcare most weekends which is fine and I have never asked him not to go anything.

I'm really upset

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 06/11/2023 01:09

So you reply your selfish going out woth lads every weekend and doing football

Skyscrapers921 · 06/11/2023 09:57

Doesn't sound like the most wonderful man

Toomuchtrouble4me · 06/11/2023 18:00

Fuck him.
arrange for a cabbie to drop kids to nursery with mum then to take mum inwards home. He’s an arse.

Rachand23 · 06/11/2023 18:03

The minute you put his response I thought he’s jealous of your job, that you enjoy your job, you are passing him by in the career stakes, his is no longer in control of you!

so what can you do? Have a heart to heart talk and try to get him to admit to his fears, otherwise he needs to realise he is putting his marriage on the line.

you stand your ground and fight it out, or you cave in for a quiet life. I wish you well.

Madamum18 · 06/11/2023 18:06

Easiertogiveup88 · 05/11/2023 16:55

So after another argument it now transpires that he doesn't trust my mum to look after the kids overnight. The plan was I would stay to put them to sleep and then get a late train down to where I need to be in the morning. He would then come home in the morning and get them up for school etc and I would be back for pick up in the evening.

On his days off he will cook and will do pick and drop off, but I have to be logged off dead on 5pm or there's an argument (I logged off at 5.07 the other day as I was on a call that ran over and I had a 10 minute lecture about how I work 9-5 and should expect to get paid for thr extra 7 minutes) however when I logged off at 430 the other week because I had to take DC swimming (agreed with work) he didn't say I should pay the extra 30 minutes back. Work are flexible and know I logged on later that night and I get what I need to done

The rest of the housework falls to me. I do the washing, loading and unloading of the dishwasher, sort bins out etc. This week I was slightly behind on ghe washing and he ran out of socks and the argument was terrible about how I'm lazy and don't do anything.

He is being completely unreasonable and very selfish!

Chromium24 · 06/11/2023 18:17

@Easiertogiveup88 keep doing the best you can, your dp seems unreasonable to put it mildly

artsperson · 06/11/2023 18:37

He sounds like a real treasure!

Lostinmiddleage · 06/11/2023 18:39

He needs to go back to the 1950s. He’s incredibly immature and selfish. It sounds like a horrible atmosphere.

Zerosleep · 06/11/2023 18:45

Your husband has 50:50 responsibility for parenting so he needs to do his bloody share. He is being lazy and expecting you to do everything, work, look after the kids etc and have zero independence or life. He doesn’t dislike your job, he dislikes that your job gives you power to earn, power to develop and power to be your own woman. I would tell him bloody straight, hold the line and don’t give up your power. What an utter twat!

nopeasplease · 06/11/2023 18:48

He sounds at best dreadful and at worst abusive and controlling. I'd be planning an exit

Aquarelles · 06/11/2023 18:48

Omg this rings so many alarm bells in my head. My ex DP was the same when I got a promotion in my company. So unsupportive of the opportunities it gave me, and also used to nag if I had to work longer than my "set hours".

He was so jealous and the toxicity killed the relationship. Don't let your DH behave like this. You need to sit down and have a serious conversation, and get the chores divided up properly while you're there!!!

Findinganewme · 06/11/2023 18:56

Is your husband insecure about your work/ you? Is he worried that you thriving, will take you in a different direction and one that is away from him? Do you earn more than him and pay for things like meals out?

in a marriage, one of the things I, and many of my friends look for, is someone who will walk through life with us in a supportive and encouraging manner. Someone to cheer us on and wipe our tears when the going gets tough. Someone to do life WITH us. Your husband isn’t championing you and is setting a poor example for your kids.

i would tell him this. Ask him why he’s not overcoming his own insecurities, to cheer you on and help you be whatever it is that makes you happy.

Pomvit · 06/11/2023 18:59

He’s sounding selfish - he liked your old role because it didn’t have any impact on him.

he’s basically saying his role is more important and that anything you want do comes second to his commitments

if he’s got plenty of notice then no reason why he can’t try to accommodate

Kilofoxtrot99 · 06/11/2023 19:04

Look love, just accept that you can be doing all of this without him and his massive ego in your life once you’re divorced- he can jog on and you will have one less child to deal with.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 06/11/2023 19:04

where he knew he wasn't going to be asked to do anything on his working days.

Fuck that! He is a parent, you dont get to opt out. What would happen if you took the same line?

sugarrosepetal · 06/11/2023 19:11

Your husband is trying to control you. There is also elements of isolation, financial and emotional abuse at play here. He doesn't want you to work unless it's on his terms, doesn't want you to have a separate life out with the kids and him, is bad naming your mum, doesn't allow you any independence and you time. Please take a look at this website (on incognito mode to stop him tracing it) when he is out of the house.

https://www.theduluthmodel.org/wheels/understanding-power-control-wheel/

Decide from there what you want to do but please keep yourself safe and dignified as he obviously won't. X

Understanding the Power and Control Wheel - Domestic Abuse Intervention Programs

https://www.theduluthmodel.org/wheels/understanding-power-control-wheel

tokesqueen · 06/11/2023 19:24

Just call it a day OP. This won't improve.
And make sure he does his 50/50 every week. Kind of shot himself in the foot there hasn't he? See how he likes missing football every other week.

Newestname002 · 06/11/2023 19:49

rookiemere · 05/11/2023 17:24

Presumably you have no concerns about your DM looking after the DCs overnight ?

OP this man is not your friend and is not on your side. Assume going forward that he will sabotage any social event you try to make. I'd actually stop telling him and make childcare arrangements that don't involve him.

He doesn't want you to be happy and fulfilled. I don't say this lightly, but you would be better off on your own.

Yes I really agree with this. He wants you under his thumb and will do anything to sabotage you and spoil anything you put in place which he disagrees with. BTW forewarn your mother in case he lies to her and says she's not needed and more...

Of course you are not going back to your old, unsatisfying job because you are going to need that job and that income for when you leave him. That day may not be in the near future but someone like this will push and push until he gets his way, so do your prep (get your ducks in a row) about how you and the children will be be if/when that time comes. 🌹

LizM66 · 06/11/2023 19:56

Keep up your career. Build up some savings if poss. Always good to have an exit plan

ReadingSoManyThreads · 06/11/2023 20:03

Your husband is a controlling, abusive, sexist, lazy man.

He has no respect for you and he sees you as a mere woman, so your responsibility to parent the children and run the household. It's 2023, you do not have to put up with being treated this way.

Please leave him/ask him to leave.

He brings nothing to your household. He refuses to parent, does not do his fair share of the household duties, and he's a controlling, abusive shitty husband.

You will feel free when you end the marriage. Don't waste your years on this controlling, lazy, useless man child. Do not let your children grow up seeing how he treats you, how he does not value you, how he has no respect for you.

You'll be happier being a single mother, than you will continuing your marriage to this misogynist.

LaDamaDeElche · 06/11/2023 20:04

Lost the reasons you have here as to why he's completely unreasonable and tell him he either respects you as an equal - your job, right to the same free time to do things as him etc, or you'll leave him. Make it that simple. I bet he never asks you're ok with him doing x,y and z and would hit the roof if you weren't. He either treats you as he expects you to treat him, and if he can't agree to that, then you have your answer.

LaDamaDeElche · 06/11/2023 20:13

*List

BaybeeTammy · 06/11/2023 20:14

Go to the event. Pay for a taxi for the children and your mum. And let her have them at her house if she can.

CountessWindyBottom · 06/11/2023 20:52

This isn’t so much about your job per se but his need for control. Your posts are peppered with red flags that are genuinely concerning and don’t suggest that the relationship is in any way equal. Do you love him? Why are you with him? The way he is speaking to you and the way he is treating you isn’t acceptable or respectful.

AllHopeandRainbows · 06/11/2023 21:01

Came here to say he’s selfish and jealous but can see that’s already been said.
A husband/wife should be somebody who supports you and celebrates your success, not someone who is childish and churlish about it.