Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh hates my job

342 replies

Easiertogiveup88 · 05/11/2023 10:03

Dh and I have been having some issues for a while but they've got worse in the last year and he's blaming it on my job

Background, we have been married 9 years together 18 and have 2 children - 7 and 2. He does shift work and I have an office (WFH 3-4) days a week

I changed role this time last year after being unhappy in my job, staying at the same company though. I love me job and the training and development opportunities I have had over the last year have been incredible. However although I WFH most of the week there are times I have to be in the office or work some unsociable hours (think very early starts or late nights) and the majority of the time I can work these around DH's shifts. I have asked him once to book annual leave for something for me which he didn't so I re-arranged my plans, not an issue.

I've been given an opportunity for a team day out near Christmas (not a party but a Christmas activity) but it clashes with him being on a night shift so I had arranged for my mum to come and look after the DC overnight (as it would involve an overnight stay) and DH would need to drop the kids off after his shift to school/nursery and drop my mum home (10 mins away)

He has point blank refused. Said I've put him in a horrible position and all I think about is work. And that I'm selfish and he wants me to go back to my old role where he knew he wasn't going to be asked to do anything on his working days.

He has also complained I work too much as he has been on a late shift this week and I have had my laptop out when he has got home. I have been doing some personal development and e-learning and he wasn't home anyway and it was after the kids were in bed.

I should also add he goes to football EVERY Saturday or on days out with the lads most weekends so I pick up the childcare most weekends which is fine and I have never asked him not to go anything.

I'm really upset

OP posts:
Bluegeeen · 05/11/2023 17:33

@Easiertogiveup88 in your update he sounds controlling (complaining about the extra 7 minutes working?!) and abusive (calling you names because he didn't have socks, wtf?!)

Sauvblanctime · 05/11/2023 17:43

He’s a dickhead

Orangello · 05/11/2023 17:44

So if most of his shifts are at night, then he is just sitting at home in an empty house and wait for you to log off to wash his socks??

ComfortablyNumbed · 05/11/2023 17:44

He's jealous of your burgeoning independence.

ArtyStripedSocks · 05/11/2023 17:51

He doesn't earn enough for you to not work. Irrelevant I know as you live your job and want to work, but he's acting like the big-man trying to curtail your career, not picking up the slack at home, but he's not being the big-man and providing what his ego is pretending he is.

Relationship counselling? You need to get through to him that his behaviour is completely unacceptable.

Dullardmullard · 05/11/2023 17:51

Why is it down to you laundry, chores kids

was this agreed before kids cos I’ll bet it wasn’t

he’s a grown man and can do his own laundry ffs

it’s time to separate but do you want to separate is the question

would he be petty and refuse to see the kids because in his eyes it’s all your fault you’ve separated or even worse want custody of them to make you stay as a lot of men try that one.

I’d calmly ask what is his real problem is but he’ll make excuses no doubt

I’d also state, does my job effect you that much I have to be lectured like a child if going over or nowt said when it benefits him.

time to making decisions on what you want now and for the future for you and the kids

ThePoetsWife · 05/11/2023 17:51

What a wanker he is.

He thinks he is your boss. After the argument about socks I would have stopped doing his laundry, meals etc.

Why does so much of the chores, childcare and housework come to you? It's not a partnership.

OfficerChurlish · 05/11/2023 17:54

Don't skip your work event; it's a good opportunity for you and in some workplaces there are "invisible" consequences for not attending "non-mandatory" events. Your husband isn't in a position to judge this about YOUR job, just like you don't constantly ask him why his work schedule is what it is and if that doesn't mean he's lazy and work-obsessed. And anyway, there's no earthly reason for you skip it; it's just his personal weird whim.

Can you arrange for a taxi to take your mother home, and maybe a friend or one of the children's friends' parents could give them a lift to school? It's ridiculous that you should have to do this, but I think it's important to show Mr Mememe that he's not deterring you from getting on with your life. In the longer term, if you want to continue the relationship, I'd probably divide the work up 50/50 and leave him to his half, no extra help, as that's what he seems to think is fair.

Spacecowboys · 05/11/2023 18:01

Sounds like it could be his job that is the problem tbh, not yours. Night shifts are awful- I spend the entire time I’m on them feeling knackered and like I have a hangover. If his shifts are predominantly nights it may partially explain ( although not justify) his moodiness and attitude. Can he not get a job on days?

itsalongwaybackfromsorry · 05/11/2023 18:03

Easiertogiveup88 · 05/11/2023 16:55

So after another argument it now transpires that he doesn't trust my mum to look after the kids overnight. The plan was I would stay to put them to sleep and then get a late train down to where I need to be in the morning. He would then come home in the morning and get them up for school etc and I would be back for pick up in the evening.

On his days off he will cook and will do pick and drop off, but I have to be logged off dead on 5pm or there's an argument (I logged off at 5.07 the other day as I was on a call that ran over and I had a 10 minute lecture about how I work 9-5 and should expect to get paid for thr extra 7 minutes) however when I logged off at 430 the other week because I had to take DC swimming (agreed with work) he didn't say I should pay the extra 30 minutes back. Work are flexible and know I logged on later that night and I get what I need to done

The rest of the housework falls to me. I do the washing, loading and unloading of the dishwasher, sort bins out etc. This week I was slightly behind on ghe washing and he ran out of socks and the argument was terrible about how I'm lazy and don't do anything.

Your life will be happier without him. Seriously.

You are the main earner and he knows it. Do the maths. And you do the heavy liftin gat home. He's terrified you're going to realise you don't need him and he's trying to hold you down.

Don't let him.

Smartiepants79 · 05/11/2023 18:13

Shoxfordian · 05/11/2023 17:32

He's not on your team. He's not supportive or proud of you like he should be, seriously think about whether this is what you want

This, I’m afraid.
This man does not value you, respect you or care about your well-being.
He is currently being a twat.

neverenoughplants · 05/11/2023 18:23

he wants me to go back to my old role where he knew he wasn't going to be asked to do anything on his working days.

This is very telling - he doesn't want 'to be asked to do anything' on his working days (even when that relates to childcare of his own kids - for which he is equally responsible - and when that would also support your career/happiness). Whereas I would guess that when your working day ends, you then also take on responsibilities with childcare/household tasks etc.

He sounds lazy and selfish, and tbh I think probably also jealous - he must see that you are enjoying this new job and that you're more invested and keen to do these extra things. But his response is not only to be unsupportive, but to actively oppose you and accuse you of selfishness. YANBU at all (and you're not selfish fwiw)

BirthdayRainbow · 05/11/2023 19:04

Under no circumstances do you give up or change your job. You should never have rearranged when he couldn't be bothered to look after his own child. Your mum brought up you. I'm sure you wouldn't leave your dc with her if she wasn't good enough. He's just being a dickhead who is trying to control you. Don't let him.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 05/11/2023 19:12

It's not your Mum he doesn't trust, it's you. He doesn't trust you not to go shagging some random bloke when you leave the house for work. He doesn't trust you to believe him that his shiftworking, misogynistic wankerdom is the best you'll ever do and that you have value in yourself, not when you might have colleagues, especially male ones, respecting you as an individual and professional. He knows that if you are allowed to take your eyes of his wants, his dirty socks and his cock that you might realise he's a complete prick and show him the door because you aren't dependent upon him anymore.

fetchacloth · 05/11/2023 19:14

ThePoetsWife · 05/11/2023 17:51

What a wanker he is.

He thinks he is your boss. After the argument about socks I would have stopped doing his laundry, meals etc.

Why does so much of the chores, childcare and housework come to you? It's not a partnership.

This in a nutshell 👌. It seems it's only a partnership when you don't argue back and make waves. This isn't acceptable OP 😕

billy1966 · 05/11/2023 19:28

NeverDropYourMooncup · 05/11/2023 19:12

It's not your Mum he doesn't trust, it's you. He doesn't trust you not to go shagging some random bloke when you leave the house for work. He doesn't trust you to believe him that his shiftworking, misogynistic wankerdom is the best you'll ever do and that you have value in yourself, not when you might have colleagues, especially male ones, respecting you as an individual and professional. He knows that if you are allowed to take your eyes of his wants, his dirty socks and his cock that you might realise he's a complete prick and show him the door because you aren't dependent upon him anymore.

Great post word for word.

You are being abused.

He is a highly controlling abusive prick and the sooner you ring Women's aid the better.

Shit husband, shit father.

Nicole1111 · 05/11/2023 19:48

Does he have concerns or does he just want to control you and limit your activity?

ComfortablyNumbed · 05/11/2023 20:25

NeverDropYourMooncup · 05/11/2023 19:12

It's not your Mum he doesn't trust, it's you. He doesn't trust you not to go shagging some random bloke when you leave the house for work. He doesn't trust you to believe him that his shiftworking, misogynistic wankerdom is the best you'll ever do and that you have value in yourself, not when you might have colleagues, especially male ones, respecting you as an individual and professional. He knows that if you are allowed to take your eyes of his wants, his dirty socks and his cock that you might realise he's a complete prick and show him the door because you aren't dependent upon him anymore.

100% this.

Boomboom22 · 05/11/2023 20:29

But he earns less because he works ft and nights a lot so you are way above him really not equal. He's a dick. Maybe point out when you get paid more like you do you have more responsibility. Or he could get a better paying job himself, or a more sociable hours one for the same pay if qualified. Such a massive dick, ltb.

Gettingbysomehow · 05/11/2023 20:38

You need to put your foot down. As far as I'm concerned my career is non negotiable and no man is going to dictate to me how and when I work. Make it quite clear.

OneLollipop · 05/11/2023 20:52

I just feel like he wants me to be here all the time to do everything and is annoyed that I dare not make him the centre of the world.

You l've hit the nail on the head here. The man you have described is is a controlling abuser who does not see you as his equal partner - in his opinion you are vastly lesser than him and he is massively superior to you, hence his gigantic double standards regarding what he considers is fair for each of you to do.

He thinks that you should do more housework.and childcare than him because in his mind you are subservient to him. And that you should have less free time (shockingly less, given the amount he takes for himself) because he believes that he and his wants are more important than you and yours. What do YOU think?

TheSpikySpinosaurus · 05/11/2023 21:52

NeverDropYourMooncup · 05/11/2023 19:12

It's not your Mum he doesn't trust, it's you. He doesn't trust you not to go shagging some random bloke when you leave the house for work. He doesn't trust you to believe him that his shiftworking, misogynistic wankerdom is the best you'll ever do and that you have value in yourself, not when you might have colleagues, especially male ones, respecting you as an individual and professional. He knows that if you are allowed to take your eyes of his wants, his dirty socks and his cock that you might realise he's a complete prick and show him the door because you aren't dependent upon him anymore.

This.

He's a nasty, jealous, selfish, controlling arse.

Zanatdy · 05/11/2023 22:11

Wow. That would seriously be the end for me. He’s got to be having a laugh, he’s out every weekend and you need to attend a work event that involves him slightly inconveniencing himself? Why are you allowing him to treat you this way? He doesn’t not trust your mum, he’s just using any excuse to control you and stop you going out

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 05/11/2023 22:44

He sounds very unsupportive of your new job and just wants you there at home to pick up all the slack. He is probably jealous also and insecure that you are doing well and also enjoying your new job. Do not miss out on this say and let him be in control and you need to sit down and talk to him and explain that this is how things are now and will be. They are his children also and he has to be responsible for them as well. He sounds very immature and so selfish. He has his free time as you said weekends and you have the children. Does he ever want to do anything as a family or is it all about him and his needs. Hope things improve but do not let him drag you down.

coffy11 · 06/11/2023 01:05

You need to get angry, how dare he!