Relative burned through funds and now mooching

[coldcallerbaiter]

AIBU to get involved? I have not said too much to him yet

So my cousin lost his parents in his 20s and got easily a million pounds in those days. He is around 60 now. Never had a job, playboy lifestyle in the Far East, womanising, divorces, no kids. Now he is back in the UK and has nowhere to go. Will not admit he is skint but then hints to live with my elderly mum in her spare room. He is not entitled to benefits as he never lived here and did not pay in or get credits. I do not know if he will even get a state pension later on. I think he should get a job and pay his rent somewhere but I doubt he will as working is beneath him, especially as it would be unskilled stuff, he wants to mooch off her. He has expensive tastes too and is in and out at night probably to bars. My mum is now phoning me worried in case he will not leave, also her quiet life is being disturbed

They are actually close as she was like a mother to him before he left to go abroad and were in touch all the years with visits.

Yes, or from abroad such as a student. I like the au pair idea.
It can work in many cases.

If you can ban him for Christmas you can ban him for life. Now get his stuff out of the house and dropped off to wherever he's staying. It's a pity your mum wouldn't co-operate with you this time last year but I'm glad you've put your foot down. You were obviously getting in his way so he escalated to try squeeze money from your mum. He'll probably still try something else, he'll stay quiet until he thinks things have cooled down. Don't take your eye off the ball for a second!

An au pair would be fantastic.
Help about the house, shopping etc., and nice company.
Could be a great gig for the the right person.
Actually my neighbours grandchild lived with her gran for a few years before her grandmother moved in with another daughter.
Again it worked so well.
The thing is to have someone fill that roll that he wants.
Except he would expect your poor mother to be skivvying for him, like all selfish men.

Op, years ago it was an accepted idea that a woman would find it hard to run a household without a man and people like your mooching relative still love that idea, they're not cocklodging off an older female relative, they're trying to give her a "man about the house". He's spent his life spending money, not working, never worrying about the future until now, because he thought one day when it all fell apart he'd find a female relative to take care of him. You and your DM have been a considerable disappointment to him ( for which I commend you both). Living off someone else is the only retirement plan he had, I really can't see him giving up because he doesn't have anywhere else to go.
It's going to take a little while but moocher will be back- financially and emotionally he's stayed a child

I could not agree with this more.

He will not give up easily.
Your poor mother is his retirement plan.
That makes her very vulnerable.

Would she sell up and move closer to you?
This could be more peaceful for you all than having this entitled grifter relentlessly at her door.

Have you actually thought how she would deal with him turning up, cap in hand, homeless?

The situation went on for years. After their relative’s death the abusive person had some inheritance and is absolutely fine because they have money which is what they wanted. There isn’t anyone else to hassle for money. They never were vulnerable, or actually without a home, but claimed they were in order to try to get money earlier and preferably also the house from their relative.

A word of caution....I will be vague as I was told in confidence.

A senior figure of a religious order retired to his home town..large property with a small house in the grounds...lent it rent free to a refugee, like the good book said, she was there years. Eventually asked my friend for help. Got her out...but years of paying for her utilities

Follow my father's advice...trust no one...you don't get hurt that way

Well if he is completely broke, I had already told him if he got a job I will pay his rent for a few months until he is established. It is only an HMO so it is not eye watering amounts (although I still resent taking it from my own family to give to him) He ignored that suggestion but it still stands.

The reason I made the offer was to encourage him to get a job and throw a lifeline and in particular to avoid the fait a complì homeless scenario of banging on her door. It’s pointless in the long run though because at retirement age I have no idea if he gets a pension. He says he isn’t eligible.

Apolgies if its already been discussed in the plan - but, have you had accesss to your mothers will? Snakes like him- sorry, he is a snake - burned through all his money and now wants rescuing), If you mother was anything like mine, she will make a handsome provision for him in the will once her house and all her assets are sold. She won't be here to hear your protests. He knows she's been a soft touch. He so relentless and hard faced.

Yes he tried to frame it as someone watching out for her as she gets older.

Funny you should mention he is disappointed. He says this over and over. I replied one time that I am disappointed in him actually and he gave me the silent treatment afterwards.

My dm is susceptible to not want to let people down. So this wording works on her. I also noticed she is slightly more deferential to men.

He has been out of uk most his life so no he wont have paid in 35 years of national insurance so wont have any uk pension rights. I have friends in France who have never paid in but assumed/expected a pension as uk citizens, you can imagine their shock. He should by now be entitled to universal credit as he has been resident for a year, I believe you are entitled after 3 months back in uk, of course they will check his financial situation and if he has savings he will not be entitled, I am guessing this is why he hasnt claimed. If he isnt working he must have savings to be paying HMO rent unless your mum is paying it or he is claiming but denying it to get acess to mums money. Tbh I wouldnt believe anything he says unless proved.

The Will - my Dsis and I have a copy and I am fairly confident she
would only change it if she was literally incoherent.

I do not like this country’s system. Personally I like the Continental forced heirship default system where you can in rare cases opt out to add someone to the extra ‘free choice slice’ by making a Will but you cannot exclude spouse and children, they get their allocated share by default. The other way is to give away before you die.

On pension, if he is a UK citizen with right to live here but not paid the 35 years of NI to get a state pension, then I believe he would get housing benefit and pension credit/universal credit ie our awful system gives people who never do a day's work in their lives more than pensioners who have worked full time without a break for 40 years.

@coldcallerbaiter my DGM was widowed in the war in the 1940's, she was left at home with her teen aged DDs and very shortly after a male relative turned up, he wasn't married and was becoming elderly and he moved in, with my DGMs grudging agreement, and lived with them until my DGM got him into an old folks home(as they were called then). He thought she needed a man about the house but all he wanted was a roof, a bed and someone to do his washing and cooking.
My DGM and your DM's are a tale as old as time. As her DD you'd do housework and help your DM, your moocher relative just wants a free ride

@Xenia that isn't true. If you are here but haven't worked - eg been in receipt of benefits long term - you're benefits claim 'contributes' for you. It's one reason why people who are unemployed but not planning on claiming (eg if they have savings) are still encouraged to submit a claim even if they won't be due anything.

Living abroad and then coming back to claim is very different. My late step dad and his mates had similar issues at they'd all lived and worked in the UK but often cash in hand and certainly never paying their 'stamps' (self employed in the trades) and they were all screwed when it came to pension age.

OP, would you give your mum's solicitor the heads up that this grifter is hovering around, so that they are aware?

I don't know about the work abroad and your universal credit/pension credit and housing benefit, but I think if you never do a day's work in your life and don't own a property, never paid NI etc then you can end up with more than the £12k a year or whatever sate pension is because your rent alone is likely to be more than that.
"Yes, you can receive Pension Credit if you don't have a State Pension:

Eligibility
You might be eligible for Pension Credit if your income is less than:

• £218.15 per week if you're single" (£11,336)

"If you get Pension Credit you can also get other help, such as: Housing Benefit if you rent the property you live in."
So the person who has worked full time like a dog since they were 16 gets £12k a year state pension and as they may own their own flat gets no help on that front and the person who has claimed benefits all their life and never worked gets that 11 336 plus a lot of help with rent , perhaps as much again.

Yes, that's my understanding too. There's a sliding scale, so those who are justified benefits claimants receive more, and those who haven't paid in get less - ie, what was income support and possibly housing benefit for a single room in a shared house. They would receive the equivalent of job seekers allowance after 3 months of actively seeking work. That's why moocher needs to sign on and look for work, if he wants anything above a paultry existance, which isn't generous at all. No wonder he's trying to spunk off OP's mum, to avoid having to go work in a warehouse!

@Xenia this isn't the thread for benefits bashing. Those people who 'haven't done a day's work in their life' but have been able to claim benefits for 40+ years before reaching pension age will have had to have justifiable reasons to do so, usually being medically unfit to work and/or whilst raising children, while living in the UK.
None of which are relevant to the OP's post.

Got a flurry of texts a few weeks ago from his highness, alternating from passive aggressive to woe is me. He said he won’t judge our decision! I felt like replying ‘oh thank you dear overlord for your mercy’ but I am not replying any further instead. He has his own narrative in his mind. He really wanted to get his foot in the door and see dm face to face ‘for a last visit/goodbye’ .I told him if he calls her and behaves, that’s the only contact he is getting. He didn’t call her and now is silent. Hopefully this lasts.

@coldcallerbaiter

This is from his antics about the loan and the resulting 'Christmas-now-permanent ban'?

I think not feeding his fire by not replying is the right thing to do. But I'd be concerned that he's realizing that your mum isn't caving to his 'absence' and will start to contact her to worm his way back. Is there any way you can block his number on her phone, if she wouldn't object to it.

It's so difficult when our parents age and some of their natural suspicion begins to erode. I went to my mum's house once to find her 'entertaining' complete strangers because they said they were "friends of your son". Mum didn't know them from Adam. My brother later said they were 'a bit dodgy' acquaintances. In her more 'cognizant' days she'd never have let them in, no matter who they said they were.

So glad your mum has you to keep an eye on her. As my gran used to say "You're earning jewels in your Heavenly crown".

@AcrossthePond55
Yes, he is jarred by the sudden anger towards him. He was shocked that we did not check on his MH crisis. He said he is now absolutely fine and needs one last visit before he starts a ‘new life’. Apparently a ‘friend’ is letting him stay at his rental property. If this is true, it cannot last forever, nobody lives for free for life from a friend imo. Or it is a ruse story to entice us in to not being wary about letting him in the house.

She has a landline, I am not sure if I can block his number. But he isn’t calling her. He texted me because he understood I am the decision maker and she is now listening to me. I also told him that if he shows up, I will call the police.

He wants to get in the house and confront your mum to make her back down, he can't do that on the phone. Yes you can block number on landline.
Also as he has the use of a single person dwelling [free rental] now is the time to have his stuff delivered to him, then he has no connection at all to your mums house. Ask for the address....if indeed there is one. If no longer paying hmo he can pay storage. It's gone on long enough x

To block a number from a landline dial *60 and follow the instructions to block either the most recent number or a specific number.

@binkie163
Agree, he needs her alone and face to face.

I went through his belongings, it’s all the leftovers, hard to sell. The stuff I thought was there isn’t. Jewellery etc is gone, Dm said he boxed up some stuff last year and took it. I think he took the good stuff and sold it.

I might give it all to charity soon. But it requires a van. We are talking lamps, an armchair and dinner services. Too good/shame to bin. But too old fashioned to keep or store for my dc. As far as I’m concerned, it’s all abandoned. I could ask for the address but I do not want to have to pay to ship it to him in a van plus I don’t want further contact as he is silent now.

He has not once mentioned his stuff, so maybe he doesn’t care about it. In fact, we will need to pay to get rid of it.