Relative burned through funds and now mooching

[coldcallerbaiter]

AIBU to get involved? I have not said too much to him yet

So my cousin lost his parents in his 20s and got easily a million pounds in those days. He is around 60 now. Never had a job, playboy lifestyle in the Far East, womanising, divorces, no kids. Now he is back in the UK and has nowhere to go. Will not admit he is skint but then hints to live with my elderly mum in her spare room. He is not entitled to benefits as he never lived here and did not pay in or get credits. I do not know if he will even get a state pension later on. I think he should get a job and pay his rent somewhere but I doubt he will as working is beneath him, especially as it would be unskilled stuff, he wants to mooch off her. He has expensive tastes too and is in and out at night probably to bars. My mum is now phoning me worried in case he will not leave, also her quiet life is being disturbed

They are actually close as she was like a mother to him before he left to go abroad and were in touch all the years with visits.

Duh! Just checked the OP date!

Nothing wrong with my memory then 😳

Very good! All this discussion and thought beforehand really helped you and your mother manage this inevitable crisis swiftly and decisively! This kind of crisis is called an extinction burst —I don’t mean his problem behavior has been extinguished but it tends to ramp up and become explosive during this period where the family starts limiting the benefits offered or the contact allowed. Keep up your boundaries, keep saying no, and keep insisting he manage his own crises. He will wander off.

We have had a year of this escalating crap! Fortunately dm seems to have turned a corner in her thinking.

Excellent news, sounds like your mum can now see him as he really is. Just got to stay on top of it as he won't give up easily.

Good news. He couldn’t resist upping his game. Thank goodness your mum now sees him clearly. £30K?! Beyond shameless.

Well that was quite the escalation. £30k.
But as you and everyone predicted, he was going to escalate. It's a good thing it's happened when you're around and that your Mum has had such a strong response to his demands.
Excellent that she's had the locks changed. Hopefully those who are in regular contact with your Mum are aware of the threat that he poses to her so will view him with suspicion when he inevitably returns. Maybe they can encourage her to get his junk out of her house so he has no claim on her space?

Great update OP. Must be a relief that your mum was about to be firm and not feel sorry for him.

He now needs to get a job for the first time in his life!

Thank god she's seeing him for the leech he is! Well done!

Great update, OP.

So relieved for your mum. I bet he’s cursing that you’re there to protect her from much of this.

She is a wise mother and I am glad she got the locks changed and did not give him the £30k requested. If he still has his stuff in her garage then that ought to go back to him or he will need to hire a storage unit. It is also a good idea your mother has taken legal advice too.

Go and pack his stuff whilst he's at the bars.

Brilliant update @coldcallerbaiter . Your DM isn't the easy touch she seemed, she was being kind until he pushed his luck too far. He really is shameless, wasting the nhs time at Christmas.
Hopefully he'll go and annoy someone else now but I wouldn't take that for granted

Strike while your mother is still in this frame of mind and gather all of his stuff that he is storing in your mother's place (even if you have to spend a few ££ on plastic crates/boxes to put it in) and tell him that he has X number of days to arrange for it to be collected and put into storage in a storage facility or you'll be hiring a skip as soon as they become available and the place re-opens after Christmas and his stuff will be ending up in the skip. His call.

Don't hang around now. Your mother has finally started to see him for what he is, rather than wearing the rose tinted specs that he gave her to make her believe he was something and someone different.

Great update though!

Might even be worth moving his stuff in new boxes to your house so your mother is completely clear of it and giving him 14 days to collect it from your house so every last bit of his possessions at your mother's house are cleared out.

Glad your mum is truly seeing his true colours and phony escalation tactics and said no to the request for £30k and had the locks changed. Utter leach. Such a relief!

I'd now arrange to send his items to storage in his name, then send him a letter saying his belongings will be placed in storage and 1-3 months rent paid for said storage, but he'll have to take over from there or his items will be sold by the facility.

Do you have a video bell?
I think a couple of nanny cams with your mothers agreement, placed judiciously in her house might be wise.

He is a grifter with diminishing options.
Do not underestimate him.

The 30k was for an investment in to a business with his ‘friend’ or so he said. We know that this friend is already bankrupt and lost the last business.

Dm did actually waver (which panicked me) and said to me, how about I put the 30k in a tiny property for him to live in but he will not own it, and it is owned by you and Dsis. I said no mum! Who would pay all his bills, rates etc. plus he hasn’t even asked for that, he wants to live with you and have 30k handed to him in addition. She is definitely forgetful, and her critical thinking is a worry.

Every time we mention a job, he simply says he cannot. He may genuinely believe this.

I do think he will be back in touch though.

Brilliant news and second keeping the momentum up. Personally I'd write to him as I previously suggested (at his current address!). It might be helpful to let him know that while he may not get state support straight away if not paid enough in, he will (I think! Perhaps check?) be entitled to some support (through Income Support, or similar). But he needs to sign on straight away if he hasn't already. You need to make it clear that your dmum, cannot provide the level of support she was but may be able to support visits if he's got himself into a position to support himself, but that he cannot ever expect things to go back to the way they were.

Given that he perceives your mother as his best option then I am sure you are right. He will be back unfortunately.
I have been following your thread with considerable sympathy, having dealt with a similar situation. It is horrible and we couldn’t relax due to some other manoeuvres or stunts being pulled if we seemed not to be looking in their direction.
The escalation was inevitable and in our case too they broke the relationship. The hard luck stories and emotional bullying tactics were something else!
The trouble is the abuser is absolutely dedicated to their own cause and thinks of nothing else but how to get their own way.
I have my fingers crossed that you can continue to hold him off.

@coldcallerbaiter you wrote - "I do think he will be back in touch though"

The thing to do now is for you to be the ones to get in touch with him first. Don't wait for him to contact you - you contact him (on behalf of your very stressed and upset mother who he is not to contact and any contact with her will further stress and upset her and he wouldn't want that now would he) and tell him that he has 14 days to collect his belongings from her house.
You have spent X days boxing them up and wrapping them up in bubble wrap or old newspapers so they are not damaged in any way and should he fail in that task, you'll be either donating them to the local charity shops or arranging a skip so they can be disposed of in one go.

It should be easy enough for him to sell his belongings and contact the council as he is homeless now. Let him be their problem going forwards.

Onwards to 2025!!

Agree with the other wise posters that getting rid of his stuff should be the oroject for 2025. Find out how to do it—whether there are legal restrictions on how you do it—and then just do it. Brutality is, sadly, the only thing that will kill his illusion of being able to keep coming back.

Put his stuff in storage and pay for a month, then give him the key and tell him that he has 30 days to remove the items. Let it be his problem to sort out.

@coldcallerbaiter

I agree with getting his stuff out of her house. That will leave no excuse for him to 'have' to go to her house to 'get his things' and start playing on her emotions

BUT, you can't put things in storage under another person's name because there is a contract/agreement with the storage facility and you can't sign making a third party liable for payments. That makes you liable for the monthly payments. Sure, you could tell him to make the payments, but it would be your 'default' if he didn't and that might affect your credit rating.

I'd say your best bet would be to move his things to any kind of 'free storage' you can figure out, be that your mum's garage or your place (if that's feasible). You could then arrange to be there when he picks up his stuff and shield your mum that way. Or better yet, get Mum out of the house until he's gone.

I think moving his stuff into storage and giving him 3 months to sort it would be very fair.

I swear I would be trying to locate someone very very reliable to live with your mother, rent free, so she is not alone.

My neighbours did this with their mother.
A young woman known through a family friend is staying with her whilst she attends university and keeps an eye out for her.
They have become great pals and my neighbour is loving all the girly gossip and drama that this lovely young woman tells her about.
It has been a great success.
She lives rent free and the family know that they have someone keeping her company and watching out for her.

Oh dear! What happened in the end, did they get their life on track?