Relative burned through funds and now mooching

[coldcallerbaiter]

AIBU to get involved? I have not said too much to him yet

So my cousin lost his parents in his 20s and got easily a million pounds in those days. He is around 60 now. Never had a job, playboy lifestyle in the Far East, womanising, divorces, no kids. Now he is back in the UK and has nowhere to go. Will not admit he is skint but then hints to live with my elderly mum in her spare room. He is not entitled to benefits as he never lived here and did not pay in or get credits. I do not know if he will even get a state pension later on. I think he should get a job and pay his rent somewhere but I doubt he will as working is beneath him, especially as it would be unskilled stuff, he wants to mooch off her. He has expensive tastes too and is in and out at night probably to bars. My mum is now phoning me worried in case he will not leave, also her quiet life is being disturbed

They are actually close as she was like a mother to him before he left to go abroad and were in touch all the years with visits.

If he isn't eligible for benefits, that would suggest a bank balance of £16k+ - I would wonder if he is just too proud / above all of that sort of thing mind you. (In his own head)
I hope this freeloader gets his comeuppance.

It sounds as if your options are limited OP unless you find evidence that he's using her home to conduct criminal activity from - that would trigger the cuckooing framework and the police would get involved:

www.devonsafeguardingadultspartnership.org.uk/exploitation/cuckooing/

Or actively stealing from her / financial abuse: https://www.lawsociety.org.uk/topics/blogs/close-to-home-spotting-elder-abuse

In the absence of evidence I'd be making an inventory of her valuables (photographing etc) and checking at regular intervals that they're still there. It might be helpful if he knows this has happened as a preventive measure.

I understand everyone's anger - it's so frustrating to read all the things this dreadful man has done and is doing, but it's YOUR MUM that is the only one that can really do anything - and she doesn't want to. So I think your only recourse is to grey rock your mum, every time she complains about him overstaying or spending her money or whatever, all you can do is tell her that you've told her what to do, but she won't, so she just has to put up with it.

Keep a watching brief, but as your mum has capacity, there really isn't anything you can actully DO about the problem, other than keep an eye on what he's up to. Your mum is just going to thwart any attempts you make to get him out or keep him out, and as she's the one moaning about him she must be getting something out of the relationship.

Legal advice as to how to avoid him setting up home in her house, but I'd guess if she leaves it to you and your siblings you can force him out when she's gone. Anything else - well, she's a grown woman and in charge of her own life.

Afaik if she died with him there on a visit, his things there do not constitute residency. No bills are arriving there for him etc. I doubt he can intercept letters if he is not there 75% if the time. Her shopping bills are higher when he is there plus she withdraws cash to give him.

Agree he must have funds so cannot claim benefits yet. He says he cannot ever claim them apart from a small state pension eventually as he was absent from UK and never really got NI or NI credits.

He sold a tiny property a few years ago, I think he sold it assuming he could live with dm. Bizarre assumption, we never agreed to that. He could be living in there now securely, with a little part-time job.
if he even has 30k of it left it is not too late to get a place somewhere cheap.

This is absurd of course the door can be rekeyed. Contact a security company—they rebuilt Notre Dame using 11th century technology so I think despite the absurd awe you have for your father that you can find another security expert who can make a new lock.

Be prepared that when the time comes you may need to fight him in court to remove him and his belongings from the house.

It is dm not me that wouldn’t change the door, so the point is moot.

mooch would just steal the new key,

I am not being obtuse, just stating facts, that it is her house and she isn’t senile.

It is just a rant and discussion. I can only do a limited amount. The big guns come out at the point he tries to move in or establishes residency.

I will go in and boot him out. There are more of us than there are of him. That’s not a problem. 2 sons and a husband. In fact my dd and I could probably handle the pipsqueak.

He could hurt her.

It’s possible. He wouldn’t get away with it, he knows that much. It is unlikely knowing him though, I know he cares for her. He is like someone drowning so is doing/saying desperate things. Anyone can hurt anyone else though in reality. Even paid carers can assault. If he got a job, I would be much more in favour of him.

Ok. You know him best. But he is desperate, and resentful, and quite willing to lie and steal to try to assure his own comfort. That kind of person can act viciously when cornered or denied.

The big guns come out at the point he tries to move in or establishes residency.

This will be far too late, he will be prepared. you will have too much on your hands, it could be tied up in court for years. You might never get rid of him.

I will go in and boot him out. There are more of us than there are of him. That’s not a problem. 2 sons and a husband. In fact my dd and I could probably handle the pipsqueak.

Do this now then.

The time to act is now. Venting now is not going to get this leech out of your mums house when she's gone, he's spent all her money and you have a fight for your mum's house on your hands. Now is when you need to take action.

Maybe increase the camera surveillance options - not a bad idea to keep a better eye on your mum, but you could also cover the door he uses to get in. If he's using a key, then you have your proof. You can also make sure he isn't removing items from the house to sell etc.

He visits for weeks at a time but he does not live there. He wanted to and still wants to live with her but he has his own rental now for the last year. Having his crappy memorabilia at her house doesn’t constitute residency afaik.

I've been through something similar so I completely understand how you are feeling. Its easy for people to say "i would do this - I would do that - it's not that simple with these situations. It's beyond frustrating when DM just goes along with these leeches.

Just be sure he doesn't have any of his post going there. People like him are so conniving. He obviously does not give a fig what you think or feel. He is obviously taking major advantage of your DM's kind nature.

Ah he's not going to care about legalities. He'll just refuse to leave, claim your mum promised him all sorts (that's if he doesn't get her will changed in the meantime) and continue trying to get his hands on your mum's house while you go broke paying legal expenses to try get him out. People like this are a permanent headache.

Possession is 9 tenths of the law.

We all get that the problem is your mother treats him like a lovable scamp sibling of yours. So she can’t bring herself to say no and you don’t have a leg to stand on, legally. That is why the most sensible thing to do is bring extra judicial means to bear and just firmly dispossess him. Let him know that all future visits will be for a weekend only.

The difficulty is that all the time the OP’s DM has the capacity to make an informed choice, she has the right to make unwise choices.

No, I hadn't thought of the police. But when you posted about this creep over a year ago, there was a lot of good advice, some of it legal, and some of it practical. I would have thought you would have followed through on some of it and got his stuff out of the garage - that is what I was referring to.

Obviously, you are going to have to escalate this, soyes, perhaps do call the police. And as others have said, there is no lock that cannot be replaced.

If he is this bad now, how awful will he be to deal with and get out if your mother dies.

I think—not that it matters what I think—that OP and her mother and this man are trapped in the drama triangle—the more OP tries to rescue her mother the more her mother and this man wring their hands and pretend OP is persecuting him.

At the same time this is sucking up the last years of OP’s mother’s life. What a wastt!

I am sorry, I started re-reading this thread and it seems your DM and you are in the same situation as last year. I wonder what his excuses for staying beyond Christmas will be.

I've had a thought - does your mum claim for any form of benefits that require her to be living alone? If so, can you impress on her that if this relative is shown to have stayed more than X number of days, she is likely to lose out of this benefit? Might that be a way to change her mind on his bloke?

I think it is important for you (and family members of possible) to physically insert yourself into this situation on a regular basis by visiting even though you live a few hours away. Perhaps during his three week stay would be a good time to start. I hope you got the surgery you were waiting for and you are physically stronger now. I am not suggesting you are going to manhandle him out (!) but you become an irritant to him while ostensibly caring for your mother and arranging lovely treats with her. I would be tempted to get into the bedroom with his stored items and rearrange the boxes to free up space for visitors!

At the moment you are not worried about cognitive or physical decline but in time these things can be covered up if the main communication is by phone and your mother would then be extra vulnerable to persuasion.

You already have a camera set up for the front door so will see and hopefully screenshot evidence of him using the stolen key.

Of course, you, your husband and children have busy lives of your own to manage but this man is playing a long game so it would be unwise to let him feel too complacent. It is so stressful for you to be in this situation and feel powerless at your mother's complicity. I hope Xmas 2025 is very different for you.

Perhaps you could add an additional basic lock to the front door?

How frustrating that this miserable bastard is still mooching off your elderly mother’s good nature. I would be so enraged. I’m sure you are too. So stressful for you all.