Relative burned through funds and now mooching

[coldcallerbaiter]

AIBU to get involved? I have not said too much to him yet

So my cousin lost his parents in his 20s and got easily a million pounds in those days. He is around 60 now. Never had a job, playboy lifestyle in the Far East, womanising, divorces, no kids. Now he is back in the UK and has nowhere to go. Will not admit he is skint but then hints to live with my elderly mum in her spare room. He is not entitled to benefits as he never lived here and did not pay in or get credits. I do not know if he will even get a state pension later on. I think he should get a job and pay his rent somewhere but I doubt he will as working is beneath him, especially as it would be unskilled stuff, he wants to mooch off her. He has expensive tastes too and is in and out at night probably to bars. My mum is now phoning me worried in case he will not leave, also her quiet life is being disturbed

They are actually close as she was like a mother to him before he left to go abroad and were in touch all the years with visits.

Good idea!

No, but he doesn’t know that! That’s actually a good idea. Means him reasoning with us makes no difference- it’s out if our hands.

Would your mother consider selling up and buying a one bedroom property much closer to you?

I think he’s just moving in by stealth.

Doesn't she get single person discount for council tax? I've no idea on the regulations around it, but might be worth looking into.

Good point! Yes she would do.
I know his response would be but we won’t tell. But if he won’t hear no then this would help and redirect his thoughts. He would make a perfect c&&klodger if anyone wants one?

Except please note his preferences are at least 20 years younger than him, that’s what he is used to, and is a bit put out that none are interested in this country unsurprisingly.

Tell him your mums nosy neighbour had dobbed her in to the council so he can’t stay more than one night a month now.

This is a downsize albeit 10 years ago. I think she does not want to move now. She has a lovely set up, friends and town. My dd wants to go live near her after uni, very walking friendly area and high street - dd is named after her.

Mooch would probably ask to live in a 1 bed with her anyhow!

Worst case scenario for you OP - would you consider talking to your mother and telling her that if she continues to house this moocher, you will withdraw entirely and contact your solicitor to cease the LPA and you will cut her off?

Make it a you or him decision? It would be tough and you would have to be strong and just not respond to any of her pleas or requests for help and you would have to be ok with not being a recipient of any inheritance (if it came to that) but put it to her, while she still has her faculties, that it's either you or him?

Op's mum would probably choose Mooch, he has some bizarre control over OP's mum and an ultimatum like that is exactly what he wants.

An ultimatum would suit mooch. I would never walk away from my dm. He does not have that power over me.

it is not bizarre control, it is a close nephew relationship of 60 years. Dm actually could have let him move in and she didn’t- so that tells me something about what she wants. She was adamant.

She thinks his visits are too long but on the other hand has not said anything to him about it, so that is her boundary line. My only concern is a creep in as she loses faculties, so I have to stay involved.

23 pages and 13 months of being given really good clear advice about how to deal with a man who is obviously manipulating his way into your vulnerable mother's home and finances and still fingers in ears.

Edited because unnecessary. But I hope you get him out of your mother's house OP.

A close nephew/aunt relationship would not involve a nephew mooching from his elderly aunt, and basically doing as he pleases in her house. It would not have his cousin driven to distraction. It wouldn't involve having to ask him to leave his aunts house. It wouldn't involve nephew stealing a house key from his elderly aunt. This isn't your common or garden close nephew aunt relationship, he has control over her whether you accept it or not. The fact she's putting his needs ahead of your concerns shows that.

This man has a LOT of power over you. He has so much power ghat you had to come to strangers for advice, stand by while he steals from your mother and begs and whines his way into being treated as her dependent (if superannuated) child, you waste hours and energy dreaming if counterattacks. Don’t flatter yourself that you are stronger than him or will have the last word post mortem. He is ruining your peace and your mother’s peace right now. And you are powerless to stop it.

A close nephew/aunt relationship wouldn't involve one of them living on the other side of the world for 40 years.

Are you going to do anything about the locks/key op?

I spoke to dm about the key a few days ago. She said she didn’t need/want an extra lock and says she is almost always home and that mooch lives miles away (he does live a 2 hour train ride away) so will not come unannounced - that’s what she said. She seems to accept that he stole the key.

You are all right it is ruining our peace but I cannot force the issue. Dm thinks she knows how to handle it.

I was just venting, I do not need advice per se. I took legal advice from the solicitor that wrote the Will, she thinks his stored stuff there and no letters /bills and witnesses (neighbours) independently saying he does not live there is sufficient to prove he is not resident. She said anyone can change their Will and give it to an animal charity or whatever, we all know that’s the silly system. I am not reporting it to authorities, I asked the solicitor and she replied, from what I said there was no point, he hasn’t done anything provably wrong, they would visit, see he wasn’t there or just visiting, so no action, and dm would go apoplectic and in fact it would play in to his hands. The solicitor said if the situation changes, come back and have a word with her.

That's tough talk from someone who has been too timid to clear out a garage of his stuff for over 13 months.

It’s not my garage ffs.

@coldcallerbaiter

I totally get that you are pretty helpless as long as your mother is 'compos mentis'. It really sucks when they won't take any steps to rectify a situation but complain and cry on your shoulder about it. Or worse, complain when you offer solutions or help. You've seen a solicitor and been advised there's nothing to be done at this time. All you can do is know you've done what you can.

At this point just keep your ears and eyes open. You have access to her banking so keep an especial close eye on that. Watch for things in the house moving and/or disappearing. If she criticizes or complains about him, definitely reinforce her feelings strongly but simply say "Well, Mum, you know I'm more than happy to intervene but that's up to you" and change the subject. Don't make suggestions or specific offers.

Keep a diary of the things you notice and the things your mother says about him. It may come in handy a bit further down the road.

Don’t let your mother vent to you. She is blowing off steam and drawing you into the drama triangle rather than solving the problem herself. As long as you are there to blow off steam she can enjoy everyone’s attention (consciously or unconsciously) and the activation of the drama—everyone fighting over her is attention even it is negative attention.

If his mooching off her is a problem she can solve it. If its not she can endure or enjoy it. Why should you get involved? Or rather: just say “that sounds annoying “ or f she complains or “that sounds nice” if she praises. If she doesn’t want him to come she must ask for your help
directly.

@pikkumyy77

I totally get what you're saying. But as I see it, the only way OP can 'keep tabs' on the situation is to let her mum vent to her. If she tells her mum to deal with it herself how will OP know if this man's behaviour escalates? There appears to be no other 'conduit of information' keeping an eye on things who can report back to OP.

It really sucks to be in a position of 'hearing all/able to do nothing' but OP needs to know what's going on so she can intervene early IF this man crosses the line into behaviour/actions that might have real consequences if reported to the authorities. It also puts her into the place of being able document the 'little things' going on now for if/when the time comes that her mother's mental state means that OP is able to intervene legally. Right now it appears that he is just an entitled, grabby, and selfish shit. Tomorrow he may start manipulating her into giving him valuable possessions or changing her will. If OP isn't listening, how will she know?

I wonder could your DM sell her house to you and your Dsis and continue to stay there but pay rent to you?

It could be smart inheritance planning, albeit that there would be stamp duty and the extra surcharge for a 2nd home, along with conveyancing.

If he thinks that the house is no longer in play he might give up. The alternative is to tell him this has happened but not actually do it, but you would need to get your DM to go along with it.

Well he got banned from coming for Christmas by me because he had turned up the pressure on dm. He made threats to k&ll himself by phone to her and also asked for a ‘loan’ of £30k !

I do not think he bargained for our negative reaction, as dm said NO and leave me alone, you are making me sick with worry.

He then must have pretended to fall down in the street and be sick or khs as she got a call from the hospital, so he gave dm name as the contact person. The hospital hinted there was nothing wrong with him physically and he would be discharged- Manipulative tactics did not work and we did not call and invite him over. Now silence. Dm got the lock changed too. She says she does not want to see him until he has his life in order.

He did not play that very well.

I love that update @coldcallerbaiter .

Sometimes all you have to do is wait and then they’ll trip themselves up - which is what happened here. Well done for playing the long game.

I swear I've read this exact OP on here before, some years ago. I've only read the first page, has anyone else thought the same?