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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Man in ladies loo (with little daughter)

745 replies

CallmePaul · 04/11/2023 21:15

Hello Mumsnet, 1st poster here.

So I'm the man in question here, my 4yr old girl needed the loo in a big store today, went into the men's, stinky & horrible & the only 1 available cubicle is engaged, the disabled one is locked & my little one is busting.
I opened the ladies door, wow much nicer than the men's! I asked loudly if it was OK if a man came in with his little girl to the loo, got an OK from a cubicle, business attended to.

Washing her & my hands afterwards I got a pretty loud tut & mumble of humph womans toilets, from a lady who just entered, I get it, I'm a bloke in a ladies loos, I really shouldn't be in there.

I've never taken her in the ladies before, always the men's & some pretty nasty loos at times.

So acceptable behaviour from me or was I out of order?

OP posts:
Mistressofnone · 04/11/2023 22:15

I personally would have understood. You checked first that it was ok. I think 4 is too young to send a child in alone to a toilet. Yes they use them at school but they would be sized for a 4 year old. I wouldn't like to sit my daughter on a men's toilet.

Soapboxqueen · 04/11/2023 22:16

It is not appropriate for male members of the public to be in the ladies. Ever.

I'm tired of people coming up with reasons why they think it's ok or 'i don't mind' so fuck everyone else.

There are women and girls in the world who really cannot cope with men in women only spaces and for good bloody reasons.

There will be little girls, scared because a strange man is in there. But tough luck, some bloke thinks it's ok.

I don't care if the men's aren't as nice. Talk to the owners and make a complaint.

My life would be a hell of a lot easier if I could take my disabled son into the ladies with me but I don't because he's too old for that and it wouldn't be fair on the others in there.

Moreover OP, please think about what you are teaching your daughter. You're showing her that no matter where she is or what level of privacy she expects and needs, some man can just decide her boundaries don't matter because he feels like it.

OhwhyOY · 04/11/2023 22:16

I think this is fine, my 2 yo needed the loo earlier in a restaurant, my DP tried to take her to the men's and the cubicle was occupied. Luckily I was there so could have taken her but if I hadn't been I would have wanted him to take her in the ladies (if empty/with permission) rather than let her wet herself. Also those saying we should respect gendered spaces, whilst I fully agree in general, if you're an opposite sex parent (I.e. male parent/female child or vice versa) some compromise has to be made somewhere if there's no single cubicle accessible toilet. I'd much rather a man in the ladies than a small child having to go alone or deal with a particularly grim men's loo. Also in the event of a baby changing table only being in the ladies and nowhere else to change a baby, what are you supposed to do?

Original poster
CallmePaul · 04/11/2023 22:16

Totally genuine, what an odd assumption

OP posts:
StarDolphins · 04/11/2023 22:16

If I saw a man in the loos with his Daughter, it wouldn’t bother me 1 bit! You’ve just got to do what you have to when they need the loo! Ignore all the huffers

Goodornot · 04/11/2023 22:16

So it wasn't OK for your daughter to be in a toilet with men in their space but ok for other women and girls to be made uncomfortable by you in their space.

Double standards.

rascalraves · 04/11/2023 22:17

It's fine there's cubicles. No one's got their flaps out at a female urinal.

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/11/2023 22:18

CallmePaul · 04/11/2023 22:16

Totally genuine, what an odd assumption

Do you know how many wind-up merchants we get on here? It's not odd at all.

OhwhyOY · 04/11/2023 22:18

PS being able to go alone as a 4 yo surely depends in the 4 yo. My friend's son could not be trusted to go alone as he'd always end up coveted in wee/poo/some other substance he'd found to play with in the loos 😆

Bendysnap · 04/11/2023 22:18

I wouldn’t have had a problem if I encountered you in this situation.

for the record I strongly support women’s only spaces and do not like, for example, some school loos now being 100% gender neutral - so your scenario, and my reaction, has given me pause for thought

Alifestylechoice · 04/11/2023 22:19

You were respectful about it. It wouldn’t have bothered me in the slightest. But this is Mumsnet where all men are bastards so

oh lol @Didimum. Can you tell the men that are rapists then? How?

Canonlythinkofthisone · 04/11/2023 22:20

What?!

LifeIsHardAlways · 04/11/2023 22:20

Wouldn’t bother me you going in with your little one, you were being a good dad taking care of her

Manadou · 04/11/2023 22:20

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/11/2023 22:03

Male predators, correct?

Show quote history

DH said his mum told him around 1960 not to go in the toilets in Brockwell Park (by the Lido) because 'nasty men' went in there. She said 'they like hurting little boys'. This put him off for a while but his pal said his mum had told him the same thing. They hid behind a bush and watched. They saw a bloke who worked in the paper shop go in and a bit later another bloke and they were in there for ages. When he was 11 he went in (needed to) and found a lot of interesting writing on the walls of the cubicle.

notahappybunny7 · 04/11/2023 22:22

Almostwelsh · 04/11/2023 21:18

My daughter went in the men's when accompanied by her father. At 4 she could go into the women's alone while he waited outside.

I would be very unimpressed by seeing you in there.

At 4 wow I’m impressed your daughter could handle heavy doors etc alone . Or I would be if I didn’t think you were talking shit.

Christy135 · 04/11/2023 22:23

Not in a billion years would I send a 4 year old in a public toilet alone. It could be in any state, dirty and what not.
I’d be fine with a man accompanying his daughter.

Alifestylechoice · 04/11/2023 22:23

Wouldn’t bother me you going in with your little one, you were being a good dad taking care of her

no. A good dad doesn't show his little girl that it’s ok for men to just invade women’s spaces

Xtraincome · 04/11/2023 22:23

So, it would be absolutely fine by me. And 4 year old should be accompanied to a public loo. You were right to shout first and check. If you were wearing a dress and claiming to actually be a woman then it would a different thing. Your daughters wellbeing comes first. If its a regular occurrence use the disabled or accessible loos.

ToesInTheWater · 04/11/2023 22:23

Interesting first post ‘Paul’.

Going into a women’s toilet and potentially having made those women in there uncomfortable just wasn’t enough for you, was it? You had to come to a female dominated forum to tell us all about it for maximum impact.

Or the situation didn’t happen and it’s goady af, but you like making women feel uncomfortable.

Either way, you don’t sound like one of the good ones ‘Paul’.

I think this post is spot on. Our Paul is not a good egg.

What a shame his daughter has a father that doesn’t respect women’s safe spaces.

backtowinter · 04/11/2023 22:23

Teegan89 · 04/11/2023 21:23

I wouldn’t have a problem with this. Some folk just have a stick up their butt. Don’t worry about it.

I don't have a stick up my butt but as I often have to help my own DD (and we can't both squeeze into the cubicle) I wouldn't be impressed to see a man, if I was making sure her tights were up, etc

Children should go to the toilets appropriate for the adult with them

Mumtobabyhavoc · 04/11/2023 22:23

What else were you supposed to do?
🤷‍♀️

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 04/11/2023 22:24

Ultimately - self contained, individual cubicles without gender would be ideal. Only one person can enter and no one has to feel threatened or "judged" for going into the "wrong" toilet (BTW, there are woken who end up "othered" because they look particularly masculine and are told they don't belong in the ladies).

But that would also limit the number of toilets available so would create other issues

ReadingSoManyThreads · 04/11/2023 22:24

Maatandosiris · 04/11/2023 22:12

You’re a man- therefore you shouldn’t have been in the ladies loos.

Well his child was a little girl, so 'shouldn't' have been in the mens loos.

AInightingale · 04/11/2023 22:25

The negative reaction you got was entirely predictable because men have been increasingly invading women's toilets etc because they are porn-addled freaks and most women are furious about it. You should have explained to the woman that your daughter was ill with a stomach problem, as you describe. But a gender neutral family-orientated 3rd space is much needed in all large buildings I think, for many awkward scenarios like yours.

MavisMcMinty · 04/11/2023 22:25

I don’t want men in my women-only spaces, so reasonable though you sound, OP, I can’t make exceptions. And I find it a little suspicious that you come shiny and brand new to Mumsnet to start a thread about men in women’s spaces.

Interesting to see from the votes how many women forgive you/welcome you because you have a young daughter.

Men’s toilets ARE disgusting - because they’re used exclusively by men. Have none of you any self-respect? How after a lifetime of penis-owning can you completely miss the bowl? Don’t you just have point it in the right direction? Or is it the “giving it a shake” before putting it away that spatters piss all over the seat and floor?

Oh, and wash your hands after you’ve had your cock in them.