Caused a major fallout with inlaws

[WomanManChildDogCat]

Buckle up, it’s a long one…
Every year DH and I host his parents for Christmas Day. We have done for 10+ yrs. Sometimes BIL has also come but not since he got with his partner 4yrs ago (SIL). This year BIL and SIL offered to host PIL for Christmas. Great, no problem. In fact I wanted to go to my parents in another country so works out perfectly.
They are also hosting their adult daughter and her partner and SIL’s parents.
BIL and SIL usually come to us for a weekend in November or December. We all live hours apart so don’t see much of each other through the year.
So this year, we were invited to go to theirs for a weekend, last weekend.
We went and had a lovely weekend. Mostly.
On arrival I noted that they had changed their bathroom since we were last there a few months ago. They explained that they had had drainage problems so had moved the toilet and outlet pipe. I asked had that sorted the problem and SIL said “Yes we hope so. The smell was dreadful so unless we’ve just gotten used to it, we think the problem is sorted”.
They have one bathroom and a separate toilet downstairs. Our room was next to the bathroom upstairs and on the first night we noticed an awful smell. The bathroom stank, like really public urinals stank. When I went to the toilet I held my breath, it was disgusting. There was no air freshener and no mention from BIL or SIL about the smell.
I said to DH that we should say something, let them know as they must be noseblind to it. He said absolutely not, do not mention it.
Anyway the smell remained and it was so gross that even having a shower in the same room did not dispel it.
On the second night, we were all a bit tipsy and while DH and BIL were in the garden with the dog I said to SIL, really kindly, that I thought maybe their pipes still needed looking at as there was a bit of a whiff in the bathroom. I thought if it was me I’d want to know, especially if I was hosting guests soon. She took it well, seemed a bit surprised and said they would get the plumbers back. She thanked me for mentioning it. We enjoyed the rest of the evening and the next morning went out for a lovely breakfast all together and then we left with lovely goodbyes and see you soons.
We had not even got home when SIL posted on the family Christmas WhatsApp chat “Well, we’re no longer hosting Christmas as apparently our house stinks of piss. Perhaps Womanman will host in their perfect house”.
I was gobsmacked. DH was livid “ I asked you not to say anything”. Before I could respond I was removed from the group chat and SIL not answering my calls. I have messaged to apologise for any offence caused etc but no response.
DH family are furious. They love a bit of drama but I honestly did not think SIL was like that.
Now there is a whole WhatsApp drama going on and I can’t believe I am the cause - I am so not confrontational, I hate it.
I don’t really know what to do.
DH wants nothing to do with it and just keeps saying “I told you not to mention it”.

Op I always say ‘maybe if you do x’ or ‘maybe …’ . In this case go enjoy your Christmas in Ireland! Obviously their previous problem was just moved upstairs. They are all being ridiculous. Sorry you’ve even to deal with it!

TerfTalking

My DH said “hey Terf, your bum looks big in that” - he didn’t, but hope that makes sense. 😀
Your dh is bu. Ltb😂

There needs to be a line in between paragraphs. This is something you learn when you're in primary school. It's not an MN rule, it's basic primary school level grammar/punctuation/sentence structure. The below is how paragraphs go. Starting a sentence on the next line is not starting a new paragraph. The very reason you hit enter twice at the end of the last sentence to start a new paragraph is precisely so it doesn'tall run on together and look like a massive solid block of text. That's why double enter is what defines a paragraph, without the space, it's too hard on the eye to read a massive wall.

Do you know what's much worse than not hitting double enter? Reposting a huge post for no reason.

Bloody heĺl only on mn could a perfectly understandable post (that totally does have paragraphs) get ripped apart because some people can't read. Stop nitpicking and derailing the post ffs

OP consider this as a fortunate turn of events. Your in-laws have now shown you their true colours. You don't need to spend another second pandering to them. Enjoy every last one of your Christmasses in Ireland and refuse to pander to them. Explain cheerfully and calmly that they've made it very clear how they see you, you get the hint and won't be lifting a toe from now on. They're 100% DH's problem now. You're free. Hooray!

Technically, in the English language as taught in school many years ago, paragraphs do not have a line gap between them, but should have an indent at the start of the new line. This is hard to do on computers so it became a habit to put a line between paragraphs to help with reading.
…………………So a new paragraph would start like this ( but without the dots) but that is slower than just pressing return twice. And I cannot format a gap at the start of a line on this iPad hence having to edit and add dots!

So now we expect to see paragraphs looking like this, certainly easier to read long posts in a forum like this.

Enjoy Xmas with your parents. Not your circus or monkeys! I'd go very LC with your inlaws.

And I am guilty of the MM crime of not reading every post before adding a new comment, apologies for pretty much repeating what others have already said!

I saw paragraphs. I understood the post perfectly well.

@Sueveneers

If you want to do some paragraph policing, there’s a different thread in Active with an absolutely heinous wall of text and DEFINITELY no paragraphs. Probably the longest thing I’ve seen on MN.

I personally thought the OP was fairly concise and the indents indicated paragraphs. No need to berate her.

OP, YANBU. Your PILs/SILs are awful.

I’d be wanting to know why your DH couldn’t look out for his brother.

Why so reluctant to say …hey DB, you probably haven’t noticed it, but there’s still an unpleasant whiff in the bathroom and guest bedroom that you really ought to get those plumbers back to fix, before you host for Christmas.

Is there some family history around normalising smelly toilets because it simply doesn’t make sense.

YANBU OP, as a close family member, with no previous bad feeling, I would also have said something …politely and respectfully. SIL gave you an opportunity to so with her initial ‘hope it is now fixed’ remark.
Their family response is totally abnormal and in your situation, I would want to know why I had been made the scapegoat and why my DH had dug his heels in, refusing to acknowledge the stench with his brother.

One thing I have learnt in my many years on earth is that people do not take criticism very well, however kindly it is given and however reasonable/sensible they appear. It’s as if everyone reverts back to being a hurt child and hears what you say as a personal attack.
Your husband said leave it, but you knew better and this is the result.

She did everything wrong, you don't make that sort of comment in another person's home, being drunk is no excuse. There may have been some over-reaction but she started the problem.

Your husband said not to say anything for a reason and you know it. Now you are being disingenuous. Do you have form for this kind of thing?

As a fellow drinker (so no judgement there)) I wonder if you were quite as tactful as you think.
On the other hand they will definitely be nose blind and should be grateful as it's hardly a healthy situation is it?

You didn't cause this. You mentioned the issue as politely as possible. Your sil caused a shit storm and pil wafted the flames.

You're not guilty here.

Enjoy your Christmas.

It’s ironic really, the people bleating on about paragraphs, instead of looking clever, are actually coming across as rather thick.

Your SIL and ILs are being utterly ridiculous. Let them crack on with their stupid drama. I recon SIL was looking for an excuse to get out of having ILs for Xmas. Continue with your own plans to visit Ireland, ignore all the drama lamas.

Who removed you from the WhatsApp group

I agree with this

For someone who doesn't like confrontation.......

I hate causing offence and think I can sometimes err on the side of being overly polite, but I would have commented on the continuing smell. They needed to know as there is clearly some problem that needs fixing or investigating. (Just keep calmly telling your DH this if he continues his bleat of how he told you not to say anything.) A considerate guest would let them know this, so you did nothing wrong. Ignored plumbing problems do not go away - they can quickly become far more serious too.

The reaction of your SIL and the rest of the family is very bizarre and very OTT, and looks like they are spoiling for a fight. Just ignore them. Your husband says he wants nothing to do with it, fine. That should be your reaction too. Don’t be upset. It’s them, not you. If there is what’s app drama, so be it. If your DH mentions this, shrug and say how very oddly they are behaving and that you aren’t interested in this silly drama.
As an aside, for some reason, your DH perhaps seems to want to blank out how oddly / aggressively they are behaving. If you feel able to, ask him why.

You have been an amazing DIL hosting Christmas for ten years. If needed, remind your husband of this. He should appreciate all you have done.
Enjoy the time with YOUR family this Christmas and don’t feel any guilt. You have done more than enough. Your family should matter as much as his.
Going forward, think carefully about your own wants and needs, including at future Christmases. Don’t cave into doing what your DH or his family want - you have seen now how they don’t deserve it!

I hope the flights are booked to Ireland!

You have done absolutely nothing wrong. Your sil is using this as an excuse to get out of hosting. Just ignore her/then.

In this scenario my dh would post ‘have a great Christmas folks’ and remove himself from the WhatsApp group in solidarity. To remove you was a disgraceful overreaction on their part, but at least it saved you reading the PA posts that would have followed.

Your in laws will come round - it’s in their interests to come crawling back. Don’t apologise, don’t back down and remain completely silent on the issue. I would have done the same as you and informed her - who wouldn’t?! Your sil created this, she can fix it.

Enjoy your Christmas with your folks op.

I’m just thinking how I would feel if someone close mentioned that my newly done loo smelt. I’d be concerned about sorting the smell and would take steps to investigate it. Any embarrassment would be fleeting and gone in two minutes. I certainly wouldn’t start a ridiculous family drama.

Enjoy Christmas with your own family 🙌

Best thread in a long time! Well done team, especially the paragraph police…

I’m going to buck the trend, because actually I sympathise with your sister in law here. A urine smell doesn’t suggest a drain problem (that would smell of sewage), it suggests a man with poor aim or (dare I say it) a peeing in the shower problem. Either is highly embarrassing, and I doubt your sister in law is personally responsible.

Of course she should be mature enough to hear your honest information without getting upset, but planning for Christmas does bring out the worst in everyone and she was probably trying very hard to give you all a lovely time, plus it is exhausting trying to run down an apparently insoluble household problem (and if the smell is caused by her husband peeing in the shower then she may be blinded to the cause).

Give her ring, tell her she was a fantastic host and say you were tipsy and that you’re really sorry. Life is much, much too short. (But if the smell is so bad then don’t work too hard to get reinvited for Christmas!)

Yes, you’re not being unreasonable, and many people would want you to speak up, but so what? Do you want to be right, or do you want your family to enjoy these precious years together while they can?

I don't think it's outrageous, they'd mentioned they'd had plumbing done so it wasn't completely random- I'd want to know if my bathroom stank (beyond obviously normal bathroom smells) if I'd had issues with drainage; not everyone is a delicate flower who can't accept comments that aren't even personal criticisms.

OP I'd just leave it to blow over and be firm that you're still going to see your family. What a load of drama over a perfectly reasonable comment, your DH sounds a bit pathetic in this situation too- he can sort his family out if he isn't willing to stick up for you.