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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Caused a major fallout with inlaws

387 replies

WomanManChildDogCat · 03/11/2023 23:59

Buckle up, it’s a long one…
Every year DH and I host his parents for Christmas Day. We have done for 10+ yrs. Sometimes BIL has also come but not since he got with his partner 4yrs ago (SIL). This year BIL and SIL offered to host PIL for Christmas. Great, no problem. In fact I wanted to go to my parents in another country so works out perfectly.
They are also hosting their adult daughter and her partner and SIL’s parents.
BIL and SIL usually come to us for a weekend in November or December. We all live hours apart so don’t see much of each other through the year.
So this year, we were invited to go to theirs for a weekend, last weekend.
We went and had a lovely weekend. Mostly.
On arrival I noted that they had changed their bathroom since we were last there a few months ago. They explained that they had had drainage problems so had moved the toilet and outlet pipe. I asked had that sorted the problem and SIL said “Yes we hope so. The smell was dreadful so unless we’ve just gotten used to it, we think the problem is sorted”.
They have one bathroom and a separate toilet downstairs. Our room was next to the bathroom upstairs and on the first night we noticed an awful smell. The bathroom stank, like really public urinals stank. When I went to the toilet I held my breath, it was disgusting. There was no air freshener and no mention from BIL or SIL about the smell.
I said to DH that we should say something, let them know as they must be noseblind to it. He said absolutely not, do not mention it.
Anyway the smell remained and it was so gross that even having a shower in the same room did not dispel it.
On the second night, we were all a bit tipsy and while DH and BIL were in the garden with the dog I said to SIL, really kindly, that I thought maybe their pipes still needed looking at as there was a bit of a whiff in the bathroom. I thought if it was me I’d want to know, especially if I was hosting guests soon. She took it well, seemed a bit surprised and said they would get the plumbers back. She thanked me for mentioning it. We enjoyed the rest of the evening and the next morning went out for a lovely breakfast all together and then we left with lovely goodbyes and see you soons.
We had not even got home when SIL posted on the family Christmas WhatsApp chat “Well, we’re no longer hosting Christmas as apparently our house stinks of piss. Perhaps Womanman will host in their perfect house”.
I was gobsmacked. DH was livid “ I asked you not to say anything”. Before I could respond I was removed from the group chat and SIL not answering my calls. I have messaged to apologise for any offence caused etc but no response.
DH family are furious. They love a bit of drama but I honestly did not think SIL was like that.
Now there is a whole WhatsApp drama going on and I can’t believe I am the cause - I am so not confrontational, I hate it.
I don’t really know what to do.
DH wants nothing to do with it and just keeps saying “I told you not to mention it”.

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 04/11/2023 02:12

@MinnieL because it’s his family and he asked her not to say anything . If I asked my husband not to tell my family something I would expect him to respect my wishes .

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 04/11/2023 02:15

In my entire life I will never understand these family members who take offence at the most ridiculous of things.

Honestly I'd just roll my eyes and let them get on with it.

Schoolrefusa · 04/11/2023 02:19

I don’t mind the paragraphs, I’d say it’s an online forum style issue so about context /style rather than technically incorrect as look inside most books or write by hand and there’s often no extra line between paragraphs there.

Frozensun · 04/11/2023 02:19

its probably BIL peeing all over the floor. But, your husband asked you not to say anything (his family) and you did anyway. I’d be staying out of it, if I was him too.

LargeSquareRock · 04/11/2023 02:22

They never wanted to host and have pulled out by trying to out the blame on you.

Just ignore and don’t apologise.

momonpurpose · 04/11/2023 02:22

Have a wonderful time with your parents! Sil can shove off

Sueveneers · 04/11/2023 02:23

Floralnomad · 04/11/2023 02:12

@MinnieL because it’s his family and he asked her not to say anything . If I asked my husband not to tell my family something I would expect him to respect my wishes .

Her husband was wrong to say that to her. Not saying anything exacerbates a problem. It does nothing, and makes it worse. People need to say things. People need to be told. I know the UK has an enormous problem being honest and telling people the truth, which makes everything 10 times worse.

Sueveneers · 04/11/2023 02:27

It's also a hygiene issue so they needed to be told.

reclaimmyboobs · 04/11/2023 02:28

Strictlyfanoftenyears · 04/11/2023 01:29

TBH you should have done what your DH told you to and kept quiet.

Is that how things work? You just have to do as you’re told by your spouse?

WickedWitchOfTheEast87 · 04/11/2023 02:34

@WomanManChildDogCat Whilst I think your SIL has overreacted and so are your in laws overreacting when its actually none of their business, you should have listened to your husband and left it, instead you completely ignored him and did it anyway. Your husband probably knew SIL would react this way thats most likely why he asked you not to say anything in the first place!

There isn't much you can do now though op, you've apologised and SIL doesn't want to accept it so there's no point continuing to apologise. As for your in laws if they've involved themselves in this drama then like fuck would I host them, they can't have it both ways and they've got a cheek guilt tripping you thats not on.

WickedWitchOfTheEast87 · 04/11/2023 02:40

reclaimmyboobs · 04/11/2023 02:28

Is that how things work? You just have to do as you’re told by your spouse?

I daresay her husband knew his SIL would react this way so that's probably why he asked the op to leave it and say nothing. I would be pissed off if my dp did that although my family wouldn't be offended by what the op said it's not the point op was asked to leave it and she completely ignored her husband and now its caused the in laws to start and make a massive drama out of it when it could have been avoided if the op had kept her mouth shut in the first place.

NumberTheory · 04/11/2023 02:42

reclaimmyboobs · 04/11/2023 02:28

Is that how things work? You just have to do as you’re told by your spouse?

When you’re dealing with your spouse’s family and it isn’t something that negatively impacts you, for the most part, yes.

RedRobin100 · 04/11/2023 02:47

But BIL and SIL had obviosuly just spent a load of money remodelling their bathroom to try to solve the problem THEY ALREADY KNEW THEY HAD
if it clearly hasn’t worked and the place smells of sewer, what on earth is the point of staying quiet about it? They need to get someone back to fix it!
I think it’s perfectly reasonable to mention it in this sense.
the way SIL reacted is ridiculous.

leave them all to it OP, you’ve not done anything wrong.

Codlingmoths · 04/11/2023 02:50

I would sooner saw off my right arm than host for Christmas. I do feel for your dh that he did say leave it and now he’s in this, but on the other hand you are completely entitled to say I honestly had no idea your family are all such fucking batshit petty twatknuckles so while I am sorry I didn’t heed your advice I will not host Christmas, I will see my family for Christmas for the first time in a decade and I might be doing that for the next decade as I can’t see myself volunteering to cook and host for people who don’t want me on the family whatsapp EVER. I made one comment, and it’s fucking world war 3 and I haven’t seen you tell them to pull their heads in, that they have ruined pila Christmas not me, that I am a saint for hosting your parents for 10 years in a row and everyone who thinks we should host Christmas should get over themselves and this petty crap as clearly my wife may never ever host Christmas again for any of you fuckers. I am sorry you feel bad about how it’s turned out but THAT is what you should be telling them.

Codlingmoths · 04/11/2023 02:51

By my first comment, I love hosting Christmas. I mean that in your place I would sooner saw off my right arm than host your pil for Christmas.

user1492757084 · 04/11/2023 02:55

Enjoy Ireland.
Put it behind you now. You have apologised.
Try to forget it.

Cognacsoft · 04/11/2023 03:02

@MariaLuna and @Sueveneers there are paragraphs.

Sueveneers · 04/11/2023 03:10

Cognacsoft · 04/11/2023 03:02

@MariaLuna and @Sueveneers there are paragraphs.

No there isn't, go back and check. There are no paragraphs. Only long walls of text.

Hearmenow23 · 04/11/2023 03:28

You've done nothing wrong, I would have said something too, mainly due to her stopped smelling it comment on arrival. However, you haven't told us exactly what you said...but what an overreaction over their broken drainage. They don't sound like very nice people.

echt · 04/11/2023 03:28

Sueveneers · 04/11/2023 03:10

No there isn't, go back and check. There are no paragraphs. Only long walls of text.

I've looked at the OP's OP on laptop and phone, and it is paragraphed: new paragraph, new line, the way it would be done when writing by hand. Unless there's an MN rule for leaving a line empty for a paragraph break, this is perfectly fine.

Sueveneers · 04/11/2023 03:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/11/2023 03:41

I imagine your dh told you not to say anything as your sil is a drama queen. I think I would have had a hard time saying nothing as your comment was out of concern and kindly meant.

I could read the op perfectly well. Does your sil also complain about the ‘lack’ of paragraphs?

Sugargliderwombat · 04/11/2023 03:51

How did she know you meant a wee smell if you just said a "bit of a whiff"? Did you say it more bluntly than you realised maybe ?

PicaK · 04/11/2023 03:58

You ignored your dh's request. It doesn't matter how true it is you waited til he wasn't there and said something he asked you not to say.
They're bat shit but you're a righteous stirrer. I hope you have apologised to him.

HelpMeGetThrough · 04/11/2023 04:00

Homewardbound2022 · 04/11/2023 00:34

This is so draining.

Unlike the bathroom.

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