Caused a major fallout with inlaws

[WomanManChildDogCat]

Buckle up, it’s a long one…
Every year DH and I host his parents for Christmas Day. We have done for 10+ yrs. Sometimes BIL has also come but not since he got with his partner 4yrs ago (SIL). This year BIL and SIL offered to host PIL for Christmas. Great, no problem. In fact I wanted to go to my parents in another country so works out perfectly.
They are also hosting their adult daughter and her partner and SIL’s parents.
BIL and SIL usually come to us for a weekend in November or December. We all live hours apart so don’t see much of each other through the year.
So this year, we were invited to go to theirs for a weekend, last weekend.
We went and had a lovely weekend. Mostly.
On arrival I noted that they had changed their bathroom since we were last there a few months ago. They explained that they had had drainage problems so had moved the toilet and outlet pipe. I asked had that sorted the problem and SIL said “Yes we hope so. The smell was dreadful so unless we’ve just gotten used to it, we think the problem is sorted”.
They have one bathroom and a separate toilet downstairs. Our room was next to the bathroom upstairs and on the first night we noticed an awful smell. The bathroom stank, like really public urinals stank. When I went to the toilet I held my breath, it was disgusting. There was no air freshener and no mention from BIL or SIL about the smell.
I said to DH that we should say something, let them know as they must be noseblind to it. He said absolutely not, do not mention it.
Anyway the smell remained and it was so gross that even having a shower in the same room did not dispel it.
On the second night, we were all a bit tipsy and while DH and BIL were in the garden with the dog I said to SIL, really kindly, that I thought maybe their pipes still needed looking at as there was a bit of a whiff in the bathroom. I thought if it was me I’d want to know, especially if I was hosting guests soon. She took it well, seemed a bit surprised and said they would get the plumbers back. She thanked me for mentioning it. We enjoyed the rest of the evening and the next morning went out for a lovely breakfast all together and then we left with lovely goodbyes and see you soons.
We had not even got home when SIL posted on the family Christmas WhatsApp chat “Well, we’re no longer hosting Christmas as apparently our house stinks of piss. Perhaps Womanman will host in their perfect house”.
I was gobsmacked. DH was livid “ I asked you not to say anything”. Before I could respond I was removed from the group chat and SIL not answering my calls. I have messaged to apologise for any offence caused etc but no response.
DH family are furious. They love a bit of drama but I honestly did not think SIL was like that.
Now there is a whole WhatsApp drama going on and I can’t believe I am the cause - I am so not confrontational, I hate it.
I don’t really know what to do.
DH wants nothing to do with it and just keeps saying “I told you not to mention it”.

Don’t be that people pleasing doormat op.

What a beautiful thread. Lovely grammar and well set out. An English teacher's dream.

I've not read all the comments so apologies if this has already been said but your sil comment about your perfect house smacks of jealousy / insecurity. Her ridiculous dramatic overreaction also suggests quite defensive personality which can also insecurity. I have a family member like this they always go 0 - 60 and project onto other people....I feel bad about myself so I'm going to tear someone else down to make myself feel better. Leave her to it op, it wasn't a bit deal. If someone said what you did to me I'd be a bit mortified and apologetic but that's it. She's got some 'issues' I would say!

Jeezo, what a bunch of drama llamas. His family are in a strop over a smelly bathroom? (That of course you should have mentioned - they need to get it sorted, it’s just a minor plumbing issue not a drama!) Not your circus…

I think it was a bit of an overreaction from SIL but you shouldn’t have said anything. If the smell is that bad she would know and probably feeling a bit sensitive about it. We used to have an old cat who pee’d everywhere and despite all the cleaning products in the world the house used to slightly smell of cat pee. I hated it and would have been mortified if anyone had pointed it out too. Your DH asked you not to but you went ahead anyway.

Your DH must be used to walking on eggshells around his family if he thought mentioning the smell was taboo. If that had been my family I’d have said “hey just so you’re aware (re possible nose blindness) your bathroom still smells pretty bad, I don’t think the plumbing fix has worked”. And my family would have said the same to me. I fail to see why anyone would be offended by a family member saying such a thing.

Perhaps it appears differently on different devices. This is what I see - clear paragraphs which I've marked with a blue dot.

She was tipsy, so did she really approach it as politely as she thought, or did she actually go balls dip bravado style from the drink.

I think it's a combo:
-maybe tipsy OP wasn't SO subtle (even in jest)
-it's a mega-sensitive soft-spot for SIL anyway
-SIL didn't really want to host Xmas.

The whole Xmas thing is between them anyway, so have a fab time in Ireland!

Too much sensitivity going on in that family.

The bathroom had a pre existing issue so mentioning the fact the fix hadn’t worked is perfectly ok. Why does it have to be done so sensitively and politely anyway, it’s not a personal attack it’s an observation that the bathroom still smells. If my sil told me the fix hadn’t worked (even if she’d said bluntly your bathroom still stinks) I can imagine I might be annoyed at the plumber but not my sil. All very strange dynamics going on there.

Also OP, I’m sorry. I posted to help sort out the issue of people complaining about paragraphs, but didn’t actually say anything about your dilemma, which is quite rude of me.

One poster said, “I hope the plane tickets are booked for Ireland!” And I agree with them completely. Once someone deleted you from the WhatsApp (and how childish is that), it was no longer your problem. They decided that the answer to the entire “problem” of being upset at you was: throw a conversational bomb in the middle of the WhatsApp trying to make you look awful, and then block/remove you before you could defend or explain or communicate or apologize.

They have shown they care more about drama than they care about you.

Which I imagine hurts a bit, BUT they’ve made their choice. I hope you make the absolute best choice for yourself (Ireland! Family!) without regards to them.

Why does it have to be subtle? She’s not telling them she doesn’t like their decor or their dress sense or their cooking. A problem with bathroom plumbing is not a ‘needs to be treated sensitively’ situation in my eyes.

I would say for the next 10 years that you are going to Ireland for Christmas.

I don't think there's really a way to tell someone their house stinks without them taking offence. However, in this case, the in-laws did bring it up first and even suggested they may be nose blind to it now.

I am sure you broached the subject in a very diplomatic way, but it's all blown up now.

I think it would have been better coming from DH, if it had to be said at all though.

Wow, can’t they smell it themselves? You don’t get used to that kind of smell. She’s being ridiculous, if they’ve had it fixed then they need to get the plumbers back as clearly still a problem

I don't think your comment was OTT, I think their reaction was well OTT.
You expressed a concern that may be a real issue with good words. They are in the wrong.

If it is that bad I agree. Our bath gives off bd odours periodically as we don’t use it. I put some bleach down, leave for a while then run the hot tap.

Also the works usually got two years guarantee, if that is applicable give it a check will be free. I don't get what they have done other that create unnecessary drama.

@Myfabby FFS, how pathetic! The rest of us could read the OP's post. Get a life!!!

Hi stinkopissSIL, again thanks for a lovely weekend. I'm so confused by your message, you said you'd had the bathroom fixed and and hopefully hadn't become noseblind, I noticed a slight smell and said so as i don't want it to cause further damage to your beautiful home. You thanked me and we had a lovely time after that.

I'd never make something like that up, and said so as I don't want to see you ripped off, or your house be damaged.

I apologise if I shouldn't have told you, but I'm confused why you thanked me in person but attacked me via text. If you don't want to host PIL, that's a matter for you and them and nothing to do with me. We re going to Ireland for Xmas.

I apologise again, my house is far from perfect, and I look out for friends and family the same way I'd want them to for me.

Thank you. It’s as simple as this

@Zonder I’m reading this on my iPad, so I see a different configuration to what you’ve shown, and it’s really hard to read without the gaps. I suspect that’s what the other people (who are finding this hard to follow) are also doing. It looks like a huge wall of text, and it’s hard to distinguish the different paragraphs.

As to the situation. They all sound nuts. But the OP may have said it in a specific tone, or in a thoughtless fashion, or etc given she was tipsy. Then again, her husband judged she shouldn’t say anything. Why? Because he knows the in laws are belligerent? Or because he knows his wife is tactless?

It’ll be one or the other.

And doing a big wall of text whilst doing it!!

The thing that jumped out to me was "BIL and SIL usually come to us" at this time of year, but invited you to them this year, then kept mentioning "tell us if the bathroom smells! Tinkly laugh". I bet BIL/SIL engineered this to get out of hosting your PIL.

I also think its excuse to get to out of hosting at xmas. I also think they knew the smell was still there and shoving in about having it 'fixed' ...i don't think they had it fixed and got it in there before you could say it smelled