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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Caused a major fallout with inlaws

387 replies

WomanManChildDogCat · 03/11/2023 23:59

Buckle up, it’s a long one…
Every year DH and I host his parents for Christmas Day. We have done for 10+ yrs. Sometimes BIL has also come but not since he got with his partner 4yrs ago (SIL). This year BIL and SIL offered to host PIL for Christmas. Great, no problem. In fact I wanted to go to my parents in another country so works out perfectly.
They are also hosting their adult daughter and her partner and SIL’s parents.
BIL and SIL usually come to us for a weekend in November or December. We all live hours apart so don’t see much of each other through the year.
So this year, we were invited to go to theirs for a weekend, last weekend.
We went and had a lovely weekend. Mostly.
On arrival I noted that they had changed their bathroom since we were last there a few months ago. They explained that they had had drainage problems so had moved the toilet and outlet pipe. I asked had that sorted the problem and SIL said “Yes we hope so. The smell was dreadful so unless we’ve just gotten used to it, we think the problem is sorted”.
They have one bathroom and a separate toilet downstairs. Our room was next to the bathroom upstairs and on the first night we noticed an awful smell. The bathroom stank, like really public urinals stank. When I went to the toilet I held my breath, it was disgusting. There was no air freshener and no mention from BIL or SIL about the smell.
I said to DH that we should say something, let them know as they must be noseblind to it. He said absolutely not, do not mention it.
Anyway the smell remained and it was so gross that even having a shower in the same room did not dispel it.
On the second night, we were all a bit tipsy and while DH and BIL were in the garden with the dog I said to SIL, really kindly, that I thought maybe their pipes still needed looking at as there was a bit of a whiff in the bathroom. I thought if it was me I’d want to know, especially if I was hosting guests soon. She took it well, seemed a bit surprised and said they would get the plumbers back. She thanked me for mentioning it. We enjoyed the rest of the evening and the next morning went out for a lovely breakfast all together and then we left with lovely goodbyes and see you soons.
We had not even got home when SIL posted on the family Christmas WhatsApp chat “Well, we’re no longer hosting Christmas as apparently our house stinks of piss. Perhaps Womanman will host in their perfect house”.
I was gobsmacked. DH was livid “ I asked you not to say anything”. Before I could respond I was removed from the group chat and SIL not answering my calls. I have messaged to apologise for any offence caused etc but no response.
DH family are furious. They love a bit of drama but I honestly did not think SIL was like that.
Now there is a whole WhatsApp drama going on and I can’t believe I am the cause - I am so not confrontational, I hate it.
I don’t really know what to do.
DH wants nothing to do with it and just keeps saying “I told you not to mention it”.

OP posts:
TammyJones · 04/11/2023 04:01

UpaladderwatchingTV · 04/11/2023 00:51

What an overreaction on the part of your SIL. How could you possibly not want to know if there's an awful smell in your bathroom? I'd be mortified if I thought we'd had a problem fixed and found it hadn't been, but I'd be grateful to the person who told me, so that I could go back to the plumbers and see if there was anything further that could be done. Would she honestly rather have her house stink to high heaven of piss? It's one of those situations like where you accidentally get your skirt caught in your knickers after a visit to the loo, and then someone tells you as tactfully as possible, you feel embarrassed to hell, but grateful at the same time, as they've stopped you going round for hours like that, she should be grateful that you told her! Imagine how she'd feel if she had someone who she didn't know very well come round to visit and ask to use the bathroom, then later heard from a mutual acquaintance that they'd been going round telling everyone that her bathroom absolutely reeked of piss. Stupid woman!

THIS
I'd want to know - yuk
Why wouldn't you?

polkadotclip · 04/11/2023 04:02

The paragraphs are perfectly clear. No need for a line between them.
The substantive issue is also clear. Where the bathroom smells, it is polite to let the host know so they can be aware and sort it out.
SIL is batshit.

TammyJones · 04/11/2023 04:06

echt · 04/11/2023 01:26

On the fence about the DH's decree not saying anything. This is not some confidential or emotionally upsetting matter, it's telling the SIL that her guests are having to breathe in particles of sewage.

Who wouldn't want to know that?

How could they not know.
As said it's hardly confidential
If you cant mention this to your nearest and dearest then you aren't that close

TammyJones · 04/11/2023 04:16

Schoolrefusa · 04/11/2023 02:19

I don’t mind the paragraphs, I’d say it’s an online forum style issue so about context /style rather than technically incorrect as look inside most books or write by hand and there’s often no extra line between paragraphs there.

Got to agree
I didn't find it one bit difficult or hard to read or understand......
It wasn't overly long either (as I have been known to give up on them. )

RantyAnty · 04/11/2023 04:26

SIL is being a pill. They have to know it stinks unless it's been like that so long they're nose blind to it.

Trying to blame you for their sewer stink is ridiculous.

AliceOlive · 04/11/2023 04:27

Itwasafterallallaboutme · 04/11/2023 01:19

I voted that UABU purely because your DH had asked you not to say anything. If I had asked my husband to not say something to my side of the family but he did so anyway, I would have been absolutely furious.

If a life partner asks their partner to not do or say something, but the other one has some reservations about whether that is the best way to deal with it - whatever it is - then they should raise their concerns straight away, and have a proper discussion about it.

If it is something that has just come up, and there is no time to talk about it, then the one who it will most affect should be the one who gets to decide straight away how it should be dealt with, and hopefully. a wrong decision might be able to be remedied later.

Right. If someone joins the family they must agree to abide, sustain, suborn and enhance the family dysfunction. Right?

DreamTheMoors · 04/11/2023 04:30

@WomanManChildDogCat

Your SIL & BIL know exactly how bad their bathroom stinks.

Her massive overreaction is the result of her guilty conscience.

The whole thing is pretty funny when you think about them having a gigantic tizzy and keeping you completely out of it. 😂

Relax and have fun in Ireland.

windypumpkin · 04/11/2023 04:37

MariaLuna · 04/11/2023 00:10

Sorry, long load of text without paragraghs so hard to get the gist of it.

Bottom line is.

I couldn't be bothered with all that.

There are loads of paragraphs and I found it was nice and easy to follow with little superfluous detail.

windypumpkin · 04/11/2023 04:42

Anyone else and it would probably have been fine to say something but your big clue was here: I said to DH that we should say something, let them know as they must be noseblind to it. He said absolutely not, do not mention it. it sounds like he was aware it would be a sore subject and I never mention something if I'm told not to as I assume that person knows the nuances better than me.

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 04/11/2023 04:42

Wonder if irs been done with the expectation that you will prostate yourself with apologies and agree with dh to host, but you in a role of servitude only, making and serving the food only and not joining the faaaamily, but eating gruel in the kitchen?!

FloofCloud · 04/11/2023 04:56

Sounds like your DH knew there would be dramas ... ignore! She even said about it hopefully being fixed unless they're too used to the smell - much ado about nothing!

Bingsbongs · 04/11/2023 05:14

Stick to your guns,you did nothing wrong,go see your family for a change what a nice surprise for them.

5YearsLeft · 04/11/2023 05:21

You are not are required to put a blank line after each paragraph.

In fact, this would be an issue in most English composition classes, that explicitly state not to do this in university, essays, etc (it is against the rules of the Modern Language Association). I’m including just a single link, http://facultyweb.ivcc.edu/rrambo/eng1001/format.htm But if you Google the phrase “Should I leave a blank line between paragraphs,” you’ll see thousands more.

With that said, yes, I usually leave a blank line as I’ve done here on MN because I know some people may struggle for various reasons (eyesight issues, neurodivergence). But NOT because they’re not “proper” paragraphs. The OP is not incorrect. You can plainly see that she has started every paragraph on a fresh line, as many others have pointed out.

ENG 1001: The Proper Format for Essays

http://facultyweb.ivcc.edu/rrambo/eng1001/format.htm#:~:text=Double%20space%3A%20Your%20entire%20essay,be%20extra%20spaces%20between%20paragraphs.&text=Margins%3A%20According%20to%20the%20MLA,bottom%2C%20left%2C%20and%20right.

Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 04/11/2023 05:21

I think it’s just an attempt to get out of Christmas. If it wasn’t this, it would have been something else. Don’t change your plans to see your family.

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 04/11/2023 05:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Are you using the app? Sometimes that formats posts weird. I can see paragraphs in the OP!

Olika · 04/11/2023 05:31

Just ignore their drama and go ahead with your Xmas plans. Don't let them quit trip you to host.

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 04/11/2023 05:32

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

It's absolutely not taught in schools to leave a blank line between paragraphs! Do you even remember school? You start a new paragraph on a new line with an indent. The indent is hard to do on a phone because there is no tab button.

laladoodoo · 04/11/2023 05:43

What does she mean by "womanman"?

Was that an insult or a typo?

My gosh, what an overreaction.

TammyJones · 04/11/2023 05:44

It's absolutely not taught in schools to leave a blank line between paragraphs! Do you even remember school? You start a new paragraph on a new line with an indent. The indent is hard to do on a phone because there is no tab button.

#####
Sure this write - least it was ok for computer class and a level English class...
Anyway I wouldn't like a stinky bathroom and would appreciate the heads up ........

MayThe4th · 04/11/2023 05:51

Do people have nothing Better to do than to derail a thread about paragraphs? Get a life.

LiCenDon · 04/11/2023 06:01

I mean I think that the drainage issue would have been a sewage not urine problem so probably doesn't make sense wrt the smell and so therefore not worth mentioning a urine smell but still ...

This^
We've had drainage problems and it causes a sewage issue, urine doesn't make sense.
Somethings smells a bit off with this story

PinkShoelacesAndAPolkaDotVest · 04/11/2023 06:02

laladoodoo · 04/11/2023 05:43

What does she mean by "womanman"?

Was that an insult or a typo?

My gosh, what an overreaction.

I think OP used ‘Womanman’ whilst quoting SIL’s message as it is part of her MN user name rather than use her real name to show that SIL was referring to her IYSWIM.

TerfTalking · 04/11/2023 06:04

laladoodoo · 04/11/2023 05:43

What does she mean by "womanman"?

Was that an insult or a typo?

My gosh, what an overreaction.

It’s the first part of her username.

When someone would normally use their own real name in conversation, here on MN they replace it with their username for anonymity. Example:

My DH said “hey Terf, your bum looks big in that” - he didn’t, but hope that makes sense. 😀

laladoodoo · 04/11/2023 06:05

@TerfTalking Ah! Sorry I didn't see her username. Thanks.

AproposofEverything · 04/11/2023 06:07

The formatting is fine, it was easy to read. Having to scroll through loads of people being pedantic about things they’re not even correct about? Boring.