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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Caused a major fallout with inlaws

387 replies

WomanManChildDogCat · 03/11/2023 23:59

Buckle up, it’s a long one…
Every year DH and I host his parents for Christmas Day. We have done for 10+ yrs. Sometimes BIL has also come but not since he got with his partner 4yrs ago (SIL). This year BIL and SIL offered to host PIL for Christmas. Great, no problem. In fact I wanted to go to my parents in another country so works out perfectly.
They are also hosting their adult daughter and her partner and SIL’s parents.
BIL and SIL usually come to us for a weekend in November or December. We all live hours apart so don’t see much of each other through the year.
So this year, we were invited to go to theirs for a weekend, last weekend.
We went and had a lovely weekend. Mostly.
On arrival I noted that they had changed their bathroom since we were last there a few months ago. They explained that they had had drainage problems so had moved the toilet and outlet pipe. I asked had that sorted the problem and SIL said “Yes we hope so. The smell was dreadful so unless we’ve just gotten used to it, we think the problem is sorted”.
They have one bathroom and a separate toilet downstairs. Our room was next to the bathroom upstairs and on the first night we noticed an awful smell. The bathroom stank, like really public urinals stank. When I went to the toilet I held my breath, it was disgusting. There was no air freshener and no mention from BIL or SIL about the smell.
I said to DH that we should say something, let them know as they must be noseblind to it. He said absolutely not, do not mention it.
Anyway the smell remained and it was so gross that even having a shower in the same room did not dispel it.
On the second night, we were all a bit tipsy and while DH and BIL were in the garden with the dog I said to SIL, really kindly, that I thought maybe their pipes still needed looking at as there was a bit of a whiff in the bathroom. I thought if it was me I’d want to know, especially if I was hosting guests soon. She took it well, seemed a bit surprised and said they would get the plumbers back. She thanked me for mentioning it. We enjoyed the rest of the evening and the next morning went out for a lovely breakfast all together and then we left with lovely goodbyes and see you soons.
We had not even got home when SIL posted on the family Christmas WhatsApp chat “Well, we’re no longer hosting Christmas as apparently our house stinks of piss. Perhaps Womanman will host in their perfect house”.
I was gobsmacked. DH was livid “ I asked you not to say anything”. Before I could respond I was removed from the group chat and SIL not answering my calls. I have messaged to apologise for any offence caused etc but no response.
DH family are furious. They love a bit of drama but I honestly did not think SIL was like that.
Now there is a whole WhatsApp drama going on and I can’t believe I am the cause - I am so not confrontational, I hate it.
I don’t really know what to do.
DH wants nothing to do with it and just keeps saying “I told you not to mention it”.

OP posts:
Duckingella · 05/11/2023 21:26

But her house does stink of piss though and it's really unpleasant for guests;you mentioned it in a gentle polite way as clearly they've gone nose blind to it and it very clearly needs sorting.

The way your SIL has reacted to it is completely out of line.

What an bunch of drama queens your DH's family are.

Nopenopenopenopenopenope · 05/11/2023 21:30

How is someone so insecure that they take that personally?! Absolutely bizarre. You're not being unreasonable. I'd like someone to tell me if there was a problem like that.

CountessWindyBottom · 05/11/2023 21:43

Gosh, how precious of them! If I thought there was an offensive odour in my house I’d hope against hope that someone would have the decency to tell me. Perhaps when tipsy wasn’t the best time but I’ve no doubt it was well intended. Enjoy your trip home and let them all piss (smelling bathroom) off.

Fluffyknickers · 05/11/2023 21:46

Maybe it is not the drains after, how about SIL has a smelly urine infection or undiagnosed diabetes? That would make the bathroom pissy 🤣

TheSpikySpinosaurus · 05/11/2023 22:01

Greenpolkadot · 05/11/2023 20:26

You should have listened to dh, taken note and kept quiet,
Youv caused all this by flapping your lips

And put up with a horrible pissy smell? Why?

Mentioning it was not a value judgment. SIL has been bonkers and OTT about this.

Lilyargin · 05/11/2023 22:03

@Homewardbound2022 Grin

VortexOfDisaster · 05/11/2023 22:14

Utterly bizarre reaction.

You are doing them a kindness by flagging it. Your husband is a spineless wet blanket not to affirm what you’ve told them. Drain problems are not a “smile and ignore” sort of issue. But they certainly aren’t a “cancel Christmas” sort of issue either.

This is not something you should feel remotely embarrassed or guilty about. Just keep asserting earnestly “yes, that’s right, we did notice it. The smell was awful, poor BiL and SiL should sue the plumbers for not sorting it. Hopefully they’ll have it fixed before PiL visit”.

Don’t back down, don’t apologise.

If it’s bad enough for them to cancel plans, then how can you possibly be wrong to mention it? 🤷🏻‍♀️

ChellyT · 05/11/2023 22:21

Jewelspun · 04/11/2023 00:26

'Don't mention the war' or should I say in this instance 'Don't mention the bog'!

You know what you have to do. Sign them up for post, emails and text from every scented bog product going!

Deny all knowledge of your doing so.

YES! This is the type of petty that I am up for, this right here! Love your work @Jewelspun 👏👏👏

bringbacksideburns · 05/11/2023 22:32

Do people actually fall out over such insignificant stuff?

Do they never watch the news and understand people are fighting for their lives at the moment? It’s pathetic.

Yep. She’s jumped on it not to host Christmas. Go to Ireland and leave them to it. And your Dh should support you and tell his sister to grow up.

horseyhorsey17 · 05/11/2023 22:55

Why did your DH not want you to say anything about the smell? Is there some back story - body in the bathroom wall cavity?! - or is it just because he knows SIL is a drama llama?

Zerosleep · 05/11/2023 22:55

@jlpth couldn’t have said it better myself. What a bunch of twats.

munner · 05/11/2023 23:46

Is your SIL taking the piss ? You did rather bring this on yourself. Learn to keep it zipped next time.

AliceOlive · 06/11/2023 02:36

munner · 05/11/2023 23:46

Is your SIL taking the piss ? You did rather bring this on yourself. Learn to keep it zipped next time.

How weird to be expected to sleep in someone’s home but at the same time expected to always keep them at arm’s length.

RecklessGoddess · 06/11/2023 04:35

Completely ignore it all, and just go visit your parents as planned. Please, DO NOT let them force you to host again, just because they're a bunch of arseholes!!

Cakeandcoffeea · 06/11/2023 05:33

It sounds to me like she’s using it as an excuse to get out of hosting in Xmas day. What a lunatic.

DreamTheMoors · 06/11/2023 06:46

stormpitchchrome · 04/11/2023 07:29

I think it was a bit of an overreaction from SIL but you shouldn’t have said anything. If the smell is that bad she would know and probably feeling a bit sensitive about it. We used to have an old cat who pee’d everywhere and despite all the cleaning products in the world the house used to slightly smell of cat pee. I hated it and would have been mortified if anyone had pointed it out too. Your DH asked you not to but you went ahead anyway.

I can’t help but wonder if @WomanManChildDogCat and her husband wouldn’t have gotten the blame for NOT pointing out the issue as well.

”OMG Why didn’t you tell us when you were here??? Surely you smelt it!! You’ve RUINED our holiday!!!”

Sometimes you just can’t win.

Toptutort · 06/11/2023 07:28

Please do not give in and host the party....it is a recipe for drama and disaster.
Go to your Mum's and let them sort themselves out this year.
Next year then you can reassess the situation depending on how they treat you during the year.
Wishing you the best luck.
Think how disappointed your Mum will be, if you don't go this year. She may have started making arrangements ....

olderchildrenhorsesanddogslady · 06/11/2023 07:45

Sorry wrong place to post this

NJWigley · 06/11/2023 07:59

I think some comments here are super-critical! I think if you hadn't said anything SIL would have been offended later down the line and accused you both of not saying when you could have!

O.K your husband said not to say, but you are an adult, you have a relationship with them / her too, and you felt she should know, knowing that you would want to know! No malice! I think not telling would have been wrong

PinkLemons99 · 06/11/2023 08:09

YABU for hosting HIS parents for the last 10+years and not hosting or visiting your family in Ireland, who are obviously much nicer. 😜

SIL has probably only just realised how much work you put into hosting Christmas and that her efforts might seem poor in comparison. I’ll bet she was looking for excuses to get out of hosting as it’s always nicer to be hosted if the host’s accommodation is more comfortable. Plus as a guest, you get to enjoy the day far more.

I think you’ve managed to extricate yourself from hosting his batshit family for at least the next 5 years so good for you. Enjoy your future Christmasses free from their selfish dramas. Nollaig Shona. 🎄🥂

Notts90 · 06/11/2023 08:12

Is she always so sensitive?!

You've had a lucky escape, enjoy Christmas with your family for a change!

frenchfries111 · 06/11/2023 08:34

She’s probably had people round and is embarrassed and is blaming you.

Your husband should have said to his brother.

tianabiscuit · 06/11/2023 08:35

Creating drama with the family won't make their house not stink.

I would declare that as I'm not deemed good enough for the family WhatsApp, I am taking it that I am not good enough to lay on anyone's Christmas from now on.

And they still have a drainage problem to fix and a house that smells of piss.

Who's the winner here?

Enjoy Christmas with your family. I would consider making them your new Christmas tradition. The ILs have burned their bridges.

Ivyside · 06/11/2023 08:52

I would be creating a new group and saying something along these lines-

“ I’m really sorry for any offence caused, I’d had a drink and thought I was being kind by telling you about the smell, which you yourself had questioned whether you’d just gotten used to it. I apologise if I overstepped the mark, DH also noticed the smell but told me not to mention it. I genuinely thought I was doing you a favour, but obviously I regret it now that I see how much it has upset you. For the record I’m not judging you and m my house isn’t perfect by any means, you’ve got a plumbing problem, nothing more! I won’t mention this again but I have to say I am quite disappointed how much this has been blown out of proportion, removing me from the family whatsapp group and disinviting in-laws from Christmas seems a tad harsh and dramatic. I hope you all have a lovely day whatever you end up doing.”

lovenotwar149 · 06/11/2023 09:00

Ivyside.... wonderfully put! I would go with this!!! Lovely way to go forward, but it needs to be meant and be sincere.