Caused a major fallout with inlaws

[WomanManChildDogCat]

Buckle up, it’s a long one…
Every year DH and I host his parents for Christmas Day. We have done for 10+ yrs. Sometimes BIL has also come but not since he got with his partner 4yrs ago (SIL). This year BIL and SIL offered to host PIL for Christmas. Great, no problem. In fact I wanted to go to my parents in another country so works out perfectly.
They are also hosting their adult daughter and her partner and SIL’s parents.
BIL and SIL usually come to us for a weekend in November or December. We all live hours apart so don’t see much of each other through the year.
So this year, we were invited to go to theirs for a weekend, last weekend.
We went and had a lovely weekend. Mostly.
On arrival I noted that they had changed their bathroom since we were last there a few months ago. They explained that they had had drainage problems so had moved the toilet and outlet pipe. I asked had that sorted the problem and SIL said “Yes we hope so. The smell was dreadful so unless we’ve just gotten used to it, we think the problem is sorted”.
They have one bathroom and a separate toilet downstairs. Our room was next to the bathroom upstairs and on the first night we noticed an awful smell. The bathroom stank, like really public urinals stank. When I went to the toilet I held my breath, it was disgusting. There was no air freshener and no mention from BIL or SIL about the smell.
I said to DH that we should say something, let them know as they must be noseblind to it. He said absolutely not, do not mention it.
Anyway the smell remained and it was so gross that even having a shower in the same room did not dispel it.
On the second night, we were all a bit tipsy and while DH and BIL were in the garden with the dog I said to SIL, really kindly, that I thought maybe their pipes still needed looking at as there was a bit of a whiff in the bathroom. I thought if it was me I’d want to know, especially if I was hosting guests soon. She took it well, seemed a bit surprised and said they would get the plumbers back. She thanked me for mentioning it. We enjoyed the rest of the evening and the next morning went out for a lovely breakfast all together and then we left with lovely goodbyes and see you soons.
We had not even got home when SIL posted on the family Christmas WhatsApp chat “Well, we’re no longer hosting Christmas as apparently our house stinks of piss. Perhaps Womanman will host in their perfect house”.
I was gobsmacked. DH was livid “ I asked you not to say anything”. Before I could respond I was removed from the group chat and SIL not answering my calls. I have messaged to apologise for any offence caused etc but no response.
DH family are furious. They love a bit of drama but I honestly did not think SIL was like that.
Now there is a whole WhatsApp drama going on and I can’t believe I am the cause - I am so not confrontational, I hate it.
I don’t really know what to do.
DH wants nothing to do with it and just keeps saying “I told you not to mention it”.

I was a bit confused when you said BIL was hosting with his partner of four years , but they have an adult daughter?

Sorry confused about the dynamics of the family but not the point I guess! It’s late too…

Told SIL their bathroom smelled, now been ostracised from the family, including the group chat. That's it.

This is so draining.

Absolutely this.

Plumbing Problem, The change in the bathroom layout due to drainage issues might not have completely resolved the problem. The lingering smell suggests that there may be ongoing plumbing issues that need attention.

To me your SiL rather opened the door for this by mentioning it and commenting “unless we’re just used to it”. Family is supposed to be able to be honest… although I wholeheartedly agree that if your husband didn’t think you should say anything (perhaps knowing what the reaction would be!) and specifically asked you not to mention it, you really shouldn’t have! That said, the reaction is more “casual work acquaintance” than “loving family bearing and forbearing with each other”… and I still think that SiL put it on your mind in the first place with her original suggestion of being used to it!

What an overreaction on the part of your SIL. How could you possibly not want to know if there's an awful smell in your bathroom? I'd be mortified if I thought we'd had a problem fixed and found it hadn't been, but I'd be grateful to the person who told me, so that I could go back to the plumbers and see if there was anything further that could be done. Would she honestly rather have her house stink to high heaven of piss? It's one of those situations like where you accidentally get your skirt caught in your knickers after a visit to the loo, and then someone tells you as tactfully as possible, you feel embarrassed to hell, but grateful at the same time, as they've stopped you going round for hours like that, she should be grateful that you told her! Imagine how she'd feel if she had someone who she didn't know very well come round to visit and ask to use the bathroom, then later heard from a mutual acquaintance that they'd been going round telling everyone that her bathroom absolutely reeked of piss. Stupid woman!

I agree with @UpaladderwatchingTV it’s important and any normal homeowner would want to know. It might end up being a bigger problem over time.
if I were her I would post on WA: “unfortunately it seems we won’t be able to host Xmas this year as we have emergency plumbing issue. Don’t think we’d sort it out by Xmas. Sorry folks “ and that’s it. Yes, I can understand SIL being upset about it and even resentful towards OP a little bit but feelings and posts on family WA should have been separated FGS.

So she has booted her in-laws out of a Family Christmas because she's been told by you that their bathroom smells of piss? I'm not sure I even understand how the two intersect really and I'm not sure I'd have time for any of this if it were me. It seems like a gross overreaction and I do think she's embarrassed herself with her outburst and petty actions.

I'd tell PIL that you're sincerely sorry that an innocent (and very true!) observation given with helpful intent has caused such a reaction but if she has ejected them from Christmas Day on that basis then that is her lookout, you will be away. SIL needs to grow up and I'd simply start a new group chat, invite her and she is welcome to not join/leave as she sees fit and make another scene if she so wishes. That's all I'd do.

I expect in reality she is very likely sat at home knowing how ridiculous she now seems and feeling additionally embarrassed her bathroom smells vile.

I voted that UABU purely because your DH had asked you not to say anything. If I had asked my husband to not say something to my side of the family but he did so anyway, I would have been absolutely furious.

If a life partner asks their partner to not do or say something, but the other one has some reservations about whether that is the best way to deal with it - whatever it is - then they should raise their concerns straight away, and have a proper discussion about it.

If it is something that has just come up, and there is no time to talk about it, then the one who it will most affect should be the one who gets to decide straight away how it should be dealt with, and hopefully. a wrong decision might be able to be remedied later.

So rank. They just can't be bothered to fix it. I hope the bathroom is not upstairs the ceiling will collapse with the weight of the wee. How could you not say something, its nasty of them to let guests use that shower tbh.

On the fence about the DH's decree not saying anything. This is not some confidential or emotionally upsetting matter, it's telling the SIL that her guests are having to breathe in particles of sewage.

Who wouldn't want to know that?

I can't believe some if the things I read on here - imagine putting that on your family WhatsApp group!!!
!
I mean I think that the drainage issue would have been a sewage not urine problem so probably doesn't make sense wrt the smell and so therefore not worth mentioning a urine smell but still ...

TBH you should have done what your DH told you to and kept quiet.

I feel really sorry for you this happened but personally think you could worsen an already sensitive situation by describing it all here as it’s so recognisable ?
(Maybe the poster who is bothered about spaces between paragraphs is one of the ILs ?! )

You could never have anticipated that overreaction and in most families even if someone was hurt they could deal with it better than this .

Hard to read as your posts are all big walls of texts with no paragraphs, but surely their relatives/friends would have been to their house and told them the house still stinks? Surely you weren't the first to tell them? I think you did the right thing telling them, I would want to know and surely anyone else would want to know.

Sorry but there are no paragraphs in your post. There is supposed to be a space in between each paragraph and there aren't in your posts, maybe there is a formatting issue on your side?

Next time this issue is raised:

"Oh, my sincere apologies for having a sense of smell! It's a real burden, I know." in the most sarcastic voice you can muster.

If the smell was really that bad then obviously everyone could smell it and was just ignoring it , you should have kept your mouth shut and just declined future invitations . I feel sorry for your husband as he is now stuck in the middle of this mess .

I have a feeling if you hadn’t said anything you would’ve been blamed for further damage their bad plumbing is causing. Eventually, someone else was going to use that loo and complain of the smell. SIL and BIL would then want to know why you didn’t tell them so they could have fixed it before it got worse.

Drama people are going to cause drama. You can’t do anything to prevent it. You’ve attempted to apologize for causing offense and have tried to explain that it wasn’t your intention. Going forward, I would not make any further attempts to reach out to any of your in-laws and happily carry on with my own life. I would also expect my DH to stand up for me with his family before I agreed to resume any type of relationship with them.

😂😂😂😂😂 OP, that’s hilarious!

The world is literally burning and your SIL is offended over her smelly bathroom? It happens!

Now, this story reminds me of when we purchased our home.

Our bathroom also had a god awful smell. Like sewage, it was so, so bad that I would get the spins from it, not kidding. Not sure how I never threw up… but it was that bad!

A friend of ours (very handy guy) came over to see our “new” home and it was so bad that he gave us some advice on it. I was honestly so glad to hear the advice, because we couldn’t figure out what was the problem. The bathroom was always clean, but the smells… Turns out the smell was coming from the “traps” which were dry, and they need to have water in them, otherwise you get that smell.

The problem was sorted when we connected our washing machine…

This link could be useful at explaining what’s going on. Send her the link!!!

https://ehs.msu.edu/news/2020-02-13-dry-drain.html#:~:text=The%20trap%20is%20filled%20with,an%20odor%20in%20a%20room.

Yep. DH told you to not to mention it. You decided to.

Would it really have killed you to simply put up?

^^ This. Your DH is probably right that BiL and SiL are looking for an excuse to back out.

But it’s done. You’ve apologised. There’s not much else you can do. Just wait for it to blow over and don’t cave to your PiL’s guilt trips.

‘You should have kept your mouth shut’ when you’re staying in a room that stinks due to the bathroom next door. You can’t even have a shower without the smell taking over?

I’m not sure what sort of families people have but in my family, you’d say something. Not in a ‘omg your house absolutely stinks’ way but more of a ‘I think I can still smell the drains you know’ way which would open the conversation. The response would be ‘really? I can’t even smell it anymore. I’ll see what I can do about it’ and that’s fucking it.

Not sure why the OP shouldn’t have said something just because her husband asked her not too. Do we all just do what we’re told by our partners despite the fact that the issue is quite literally overbearing?!

Also OP, you didn’t use paragraphs. Not proper ones anyway

Also could you imagine the OP posting in AIBU.

‘We’re currently at BIL and SIL’s house. They’ve had some issues in the past but I don’t think the issue has been fixed as the smell is quite intense. It smells like a urinal and our room is right next to the bathroom. WIBU to say anything even though DH has asked me not too?’

Que all the comments telling OP that she needs to speak up and not be such a doormat. MN is a funny place because you really can’t win on here