Caused a major fallout with inlaws

[WomanManChildDogCat]

Buckle up, it’s a long one…
Every year DH and I host his parents for Christmas Day. We have done for 10+ yrs. Sometimes BIL has also come but not since he got with his partner 4yrs ago (SIL). This year BIL and SIL offered to host PIL for Christmas. Great, no problem. In fact I wanted to go to my parents in another country so works out perfectly.
They are also hosting their adult daughter and her partner and SIL’s parents.
BIL and SIL usually come to us for a weekend in November or December. We all live hours apart so don’t see much of each other through the year.
So this year, we were invited to go to theirs for a weekend, last weekend.
We went and had a lovely weekend. Mostly.
On arrival I noted that they had changed their bathroom since we were last there a few months ago. They explained that they had had drainage problems so had moved the toilet and outlet pipe. I asked had that sorted the problem and SIL said “Yes we hope so. The smell was dreadful so unless we’ve just gotten used to it, we think the problem is sorted”.
They have one bathroom and a separate toilet downstairs. Our room was next to the bathroom upstairs and on the first night we noticed an awful smell. The bathroom stank, like really public urinals stank. When I went to the toilet I held my breath, it was disgusting. There was no air freshener and no mention from BIL or SIL about the smell.
I said to DH that we should say something, let them know as they must be noseblind to it. He said absolutely not, do not mention it.
Anyway the smell remained and it was so gross that even having a shower in the same room did not dispel it.
On the second night, we were all a bit tipsy and while DH and BIL were in the garden with the dog I said to SIL, really kindly, that I thought maybe their pipes still needed looking at as there was a bit of a whiff in the bathroom. I thought if it was me I’d want to know, especially if I was hosting guests soon. She took it well, seemed a bit surprised and said they would get the plumbers back. She thanked me for mentioning it. We enjoyed the rest of the evening and the next morning went out for a lovely breakfast all together and then we left with lovely goodbyes and see you soons.
We had not even got home when SIL posted on the family Christmas WhatsApp chat “Well, we’re no longer hosting Christmas as apparently our house stinks of piss. Perhaps Womanman will host in their perfect house”.
I was gobsmacked. DH was livid “ I asked you not to say anything”. Before I could respond I was removed from the group chat and SIL not answering my calls. I have messaged to apologise for any offence caused etc but no response.
DH family are furious. They love a bit of drama but I honestly did not think SIL was like that.
Now there is a whole WhatsApp drama going on and I can’t believe I am the cause - I am so not confrontational, I hate it.
I don’t really know what to do.
DH wants nothing to do with it and just keeps saying “I told you not to mention it”.

I think your husband is thinking this:

I wish DB could piss straight
I wish SIL wasn’t mental
I wish DW didn’t have a mouth like mouth like a parish oven/drinking problem
I am neutral on paragraphs
what is mumsnet?

Your DH knows his family. He knew that telling them wouldn't go down well. He told you to keep your mouth shut. You didn't.

Yes it's a mad reaction, but it would never have happened if you'd listened to him. So I don't blame him for holding you responsible.

It's a pity it's his parents that lose out though. I don't get that logic by SIL.

Ask SIL if her favourite football team is Ajax.

You have done nothing wrong.

As ever was the case, you have a DH problem, not an IL problem. Yes, they are behaving badly but that's for him to deal with. "I told you not to" is not ok. First you aren't an extension of him to be told what to do, and you telling them isn't the problem here, their reaction is. He should be saying (in the group), "W thought you would want to know that the work you've had done and discussed with her didn't solve the problem. The only intention was to be helpful. Your reaction is disproportionate, unpleasant and damaging to family relationships. Removing her from this group for this is particularly egregious. She has apologised for your upset and from our point of view there is nothing more to say. Hope your Christmas goes well."

From your POV, ignore the drama. Separate yourself from it. I mean, they've separated you from it by blocking you so there is really nothing for you to do now.

In discussion with anyone about it (who brings it up with you; you don't need to be bringing it up): "SIL raised some issues they've been having with their drains and recent work. I mentioned that the problem perhaps hadn't been properly fixed yet. There was no offence or insult intended but I have apologised that she was upset by that. The wider reaction is upsetting and unwarranted, but ultimately out of my control."

Don't bring up changing your Christmas plans and leave DH to communicate the above to his family.

Never rejoin the group chat -your DH can act as go between from his drama laden family and you where necessary. Honestly, some families have such high drama and expect to pull this shit -big insults, name calling, blocking, a whole bunch of emotionally incontinent teenage bullshit- and then act as if it didn't happen and return to normal, once they've moved on. This is an opportunity to set your own boundaries -you are not going to engage with this bullshit and you are not going to put yourself in the position of being vulnerable to it again (by rejoining the group).

Well, either they are totally over-reacting- in which case just leave them to it, enjoy your Christmas with your family (and it’ll probably blow over soon enough)- or perhaps it was not said as “kindly” as you thought? You were a big tipsy- is it possible you were a bit blunter than you intended? It’s just you said your SIL is not usually a drama queen, so if this is out of character for her it might be possible that you weren’t as diplomatic as you thought. Of course, she could just be behaving like an idiot and being wound up by your in-laws.

Though next time perhaps you should take your husband’s advice when it comes to his family, he obviously knows them well enough to have foreseen this outcome- sometimes discretion is the better part of valour and all that.

" I asked had that sorted the problem and SIL said “Yes we hope so. The smell was dreadful so unless we’ve just gotten used to it, we think the problem is sorted”."

From the literal OP

So apparently they were under the impression the problem was fixed. Having their noses rubbed in it was exactly what they needed, so to speak.

You are not the cause of the drama. Go to your parents as planned because that was planned when BIL/SIL wanted to host their family.

That's you told @SpeedbirdSquawker .
I can picture the head tilt and tinkly laugh 😂.

@Icopewhenihope Are you the Sewer-in-law?!

The audacity of you to be calling anyone else rude with an attitude like that.

If what you say is an accurate account of what happened then you are not the cause of the drama, your SIL is. I'd leave this one to your husband to sort but I'd not be apologising. I'd be OK with "l'm sorry you were offended..."
Two things stand out for me here...the fact that your SIL said nothing at the time then had a 'delayed rage' resulting in her aggressive actions. This stinks of drama queen, not something I'd like to be around...but the thing that really narks me is your OH banging on at you that he told you not to say anything. Firstly he doesn't get to tell you anything. Who made him the boss? You decided in the moment to have a 121 with your sister. You're allowed to do this. If the reason he advised you not to sayvanything is because he knew SIL would turn this into a drama, then he should have made this clear earlier....like when you both started building up a 'coupley' friendship with the pair of them. Personally I'd be just as mad at him. He obviously knows how she (and the rest of the family) operate so is the expert. Let him use his expertise to sort things.
Oh, and do not host Xmas

She doesn't want to host PIL and is using this as an excuse to get out of it, you are just the 'fall guy'

I would ignore the lot of them, they sound ridiculous.

Christ, these people are FAMILY!!

If you can't tell the truth to your friends and family it's a sad old world!

You did the normal, adult thing in the situation, I think. The only thing you could have potentially done wrong is going against DHs wishes but why did he want to keep them in the dark about it anyway?! That's weird in itself!

It does sound like SIL is trying to shirk hosting off. Let her. It's not your problem.

If your Xmas hosting looks anything like mine, as in you doing pretty much everything in terms of prep/cooking etc then I'd be taking it off the table long term. I couldn't run aroun d after people like that.

Gob. Beak. 😖

And OP is the rude one…

I wonder if there is actually more to this.

On the face of it the DH telling the OP not to say anything could come across as controlling, but I wonder whether he actually knows that his family potentially have issue with the OP, has chosen not to tell her because they’re all managing to get on, but knew that if the OP said something to upset them then it all might come out.

Exactly

She didn’t say her house smelt of pee. She said one room, which had a history of drainage issues, still had a problem.

@Psychonabike that's such a twisted way of looking at things. Her husband warned her not to say anything, she knew his family were drama llamas but she ignored him, now there's trouble made and somehow it's his fault?

The OP may have had the best of intentions but this is a mess of her creation. Best thing she can do is quietly step away.

As a couple of other posters have pointed out, the drains smell isn't the same as a wee smell, so it's likely that someone is not getting their urine into the toilet and when SIL realised what the actual problem was, she was very embarrassed and has lashed out.
She might come around in time, and realise how unreasonable she is being. However I do think you should have listened to your DH as he knows his family best and how they will take feedback (even if they have asked for it. Some people are like that).

Urine a right pickle now?

Sorry I'll get my coat 😀

X

I don’t really know what to do.

What can you do? Carry on with plan to see your folks & let the drama llamas sort selves out.

DH family are furious. They love a bit of drama but I honestly did not think SIL was like that.

I wouldn’t host PIL again. If DH wants to host them he can. The fact that they want you to cancel your trip to Ireland and host them instead should tell how selfish and entitled they all are.

And no more visits for SIL and BIL, let alone hosting them at Xmas.

Almost sounds set up to me... She wanted the excuse not to host and you gave it too her.

Where pil go is absolutely not your issue at all.

They can deal with the stench it's up to them

This. It seems a poorly executed convoluted plan to make you host and because you should be desparate for their forgiveness you'll go all out but not actually intrude on their faaaammily time and only be present to cook, clean and serve food and drink.
This thread is also probably a prime example of golden child hierarchy and how egg shells must be walked on around SIL and the DH is used to having her prioritised!