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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Caused a major fallout with inlaws

387 replies

WomanManChildDogCat · 03/11/2023 23:59

Buckle up, it’s a long one…
Every year DH and I host his parents for Christmas Day. We have done for 10+ yrs. Sometimes BIL has also come but not since he got with his partner 4yrs ago (SIL). This year BIL and SIL offered to host PIL for Christmas. Great, no problem. In fact I wanted to go to my parents in another country so works out perfectly.
They are also hosting their adult daughter and her partner and SIL’s parents.
BIL and SIL usually come to us for a weekend in November or December. We all live hours apart so don’t see much of each other through the year.
So this year, we were invited to go to theirs for a weekend, last weekend.
We went and had a lovely weekend. Mostly.
On arrival I noted that they had changed their bathroom since we were last there a few months ago. They explained that they had had drainage problems so had moved the toilet and outlet pipe. I asked had that sorted the problem and SIL said “Yes we hope so. The smell was dreadful so unless we’ve just gotten used to it, we think the problem is sorted”.
They have one bathroom and a separate toilet downstairs. Our room was next to the bathroom upstairs and on the first night we noticed an awful smell. The bathroom stank, like really public urinals stank. When I went to the toilet I held my breath, it was disgusting. There was no air freshener and no mention from BIL or SIL about the smell.
I said to DH that we should say something, let them know as they must be noseblind to it. He said absolutely not, do not mention it.
Anyway the smell remained and it was so gross that even having a shower in the same room did not dispel it.
On the second night, we were all a bit tipsy and while DH and BIL were in the garden with the dog I said to SIL, really kindly, that I thought maybe their pipes still needed looking at as there was a bit of a whiff in the bathroom. I thought if it was me I’d want to know, especially if I was hosting guests soon. She took it well, seemed a bit surprised and said they would get the plumbers back. She thanked me for mentioning it. We enjoyed the rest of the evening and the next morning went out for a lovely breakfast all together and then we left with lovely goodbyes and see you soons.
We had not even got home when SIL posted on the family Christmas WhatsApp chat “Well, we’re no longer hosting Christmas as apparently our house stinks of piss. Perhaps Womanman will host in their perfect house”.
I was gobsmacked. DH was livid “ I asked you not to say anything”. Before I could respond I was removed from the group chat and SIL not answering my calls. I have messaged to apologise for any offence caused etc but no response.
DH family are furious. They love a bit of drama but I honestly did not think SIL was like that.
Now there is a whole WhatsApp drama going on and I can’t believe I am the cause - I am so not confrontational, I hate it.
I don’t really know what to do.
DH wants nothing to do with it and just keeps saying “I told you not to mention it”.

OP posts:
RedToothBrush · 04/11/2023 16:13

Mikimoto · 04/11/2023 12:32

Ask SIL if her favourite football team is Ajax.

Better still. That's the Christmas present sorted.

DesignatedRoom · 04/11/2023 16:27

RedToothBrush · 04/11/2023 16:13

Better still. That's the Christmas present sorted.

Nah, I expect she'll poo-poo that idea.

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 04/11/2023 16:35

DesignatedRoom · 04/11/2023 16:27

Nah, I expect she'll poo-poo that idea.

And tell op to piss off....

Sorry @WomanManChildDogCat but in the ridiculousness of it all I'm hoping you're finding humour!

Myfabby · 04/11/2023 16:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

lilsupersparks · 04/11/2023 16:53

But there are paragraphs in the original post!! It’s more clearly paragraphed than your ‘correction’!!!

TheSweetEndOfTheLollipop · 04/11/2023 16:59

Go to your parents for the next 10 years. Tell DH it should be fairly split, you've given them a decade plus of Christmas's, now it's your parents turn.

PersephonePomegranate23 · 04/11/2023 18:11

Urine a right pickle now?

Well, I laughed 😂

PiddleValleydweller · 04/11/2023 18:54

If it was my bathroom I would want to know so that I could deal with it. I think your DH is right. your SIL is looking for a way to get out of hosting. She has got plenty of time between now and Christmas to sort out her drains.
Enjoy your Christmas in Ireland and step away from their drama.

LadyEloise1 · 05/11/2023 17:21

If it was my bathroom I too would want to deal with it and get it sorted asap.
What a drama llama your sil is. 🙄

HappyHolidays22 · 05/11/2023 17:41

In hindsight it’s easy to say ‘you shouldn’t have mentioned it’ but - assuming it was done with the right intentions, as you say - I don’t think it was unreasonable to have mentioned that you can still smell the drains and they might want to look at it again. I would want to know if it was my house.

I think this all says more about your SIL than you. Your SIL made the commitment to host your PILs and now - for an imagined slight and because she is throwing her toys out of the pram - she has pulled the rug from under your PIL’s feet and retracted the invitation to create maximum impact on you all. That is not reasonable.

how hard would it be to get the drains looked at again and still host them? If I was PIL, I might be a bit irritated with you for not keeping your mouth shut, but I know who I would be more annoyed with!

Tinwoodswoman · 05/11/2023 17:45

Like some of the other respondents, I would have not said anything, particularly as DH said you shouldn’t. I agree it’s on you. However, SIL is probably trying to wriggle out of hosting Christmas and yes is using the issue as an excuse. Your ILs are bloody lucky they get hosted for Christmas every year anyway. Most people have to take it in turns and sometimes one set of ILs have to make their own arrangements. Go to your parents and have a good time and leave the drama queens behind.

Blarney72 · 05/11/2023 17:49

Go home to your family in Ireland where you will be welcomed with open arms and copious amounts of tea.

MagicFarawayTea · 05/11/2023 18:02

I would prefer to know if my house smelt like the urinals at a music festival but I’m pretty sure I would be able to smell it already?? 🤷‍♀️

AnneValentine · 05/11/2023 18:04

If someone with a closer relationship tells you not to do something don’t. That’s the end of it.

AnnyE · 05/11/2023 18:07

She had already mentioned to you about having to change the bathroom around because of faulty piping causing smells so she couldn’t have been that surprised. If she smelt it the first time why can’t she smell it now! I can’t believe she hasn’t noticed it.🤷🏼‍♀️
If my house smelt I would like to be told.

Anothnamechang · 05/11/2023 18:09

If my house had a whiff especially after paying to have drainage sorted I’d want to know. Seems like she also wanted confirmation if she said they could’ve become nose blind! Either that or she could still smell it but was hoping no one would say….

As for the in-laws, well you’ve also saved them from being stuck in a house that stinks so they should the thanking you 🤣

Enjoy Christmas with your parents in what I hope will be a lovely smelling house, with no drama and no WhatsApp dramas afterwards.

Seaweed42 · 05/11/2023 18:28

The last time you stayed had there been a smell?

They went to great expense changing the plumbing around.

It wasn't up to you to mention the smell, you could have let DH do it.

And you said it to the SIL not the BIL.
You've known the BIL inlaw for years but the SIL is only on the scene the past few years.

Why was it her problem? And if you absolutely had to make it your business, which you did, why did you not say it to BIL who you are closer to instead of her?

It's hard to know. If she was your really really close buddy then it would have been fine but it seemed you were pulling rank and taking responsibility for telling her the house wasn't suitable for hosting people at Christmas, I suspect that's how she took it.

Pepsi2001 · 05/11/2023 18:35

You should have kept your mouth shut. But then you knew that but went ahead anyway.

Timetoeat · 05/11/2023 18:35

Wow, your sister in law is using this to over react, so she can justify changing her mind on having everyone over for Christmas.
You have tried to clear up what was actually said, but they have chosen to not listen and act childishly instead, ie, to kick you out of a WhatsApp group so you can't stand up for yourself.
I would step back and leave them to it, if they won't listen to you, try to forget about it and get on with planning your trip home.
When Christmas comes up in conversation with your husband, tell him that you are continuing with your plan to go home as previously planned, if he wishes to host his family at home , that's his choice.

PabloandGustheGreySquirrels · 05/11/2023 18:36

Hang on, when you told her, please tell me you didn’t add in the part about it smelling like men’s Urinals?!? Was that really necessary in addition to “You know what you were saying about how unless you’ve got used to it, you think the smell has gone from the bathroom? Well I think that may be the case as we noticed something last night…”

lovenotwar149 · 05/11/2023 18:40

Very backhanded way of behaving! She seemed fine when u told her and then bad mouthed u soothers. Poor behaviour. Hold your head high!!

WhereYouLeftIt · 05/11/2023 18:41

Honestly? Fuck the lot of them.

'Yes SIL, your house does stink of piss. And no I will not be hosting, it's your turn so stop trying to wriggle out of it. PIL - enjoy Christmas with BIL&SIL, do let me know your opinion of just how bad the stink is.'

Now all you need to do is swipe your husbands phone and type that into the WhatsApp group. Under your own name of course - DH has no claim to the glory!

BirthdayRainbow · 05/11/2023 18:48

Leave h at home to host his parents and you go to yours..

Toptutort · 05/11/2023 19:07

@Wibblywobblylikejelly
Oh how I wish that I'd said that!
Just go to your parents and let the rest of them stew in their own juice.

Meowandthen · 05/11/2023 19:10

Weird that the husband wouldn’t tell his own brother.

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