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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Caused a major fallout with inlaws

387 replies

WomanManChildDogCat · 03/11/2023 23:59

Buckle up, it’s a long one…
Every year DH and I host his parents for Christmas Day. We have done for 10+ yrs. Sometimes BIL has also come but not since he got with his partner 4yrs ago (SIL). This year BIL and SIL offered to host PIL for Christmas. Great, no problem. In fact I wanted to go to my parents in another country so works out perfectly.
They are also hosting their adult daughter and her partner and SIL’s parents.
BIL and SIL usually come to us for a weekend in November or December. We all live hours apart so don’t see much of each other through the year.
So this year, we were invited to go to theirs for a weekend, last weekend.
We went and had a lovely weekend. Mostly.
On arrival I noted that they had changed their bathroom since we were last there a few months ago. They explained that they had had drainage problems so had moved the toilet and outlet pipe. I asked had that sorted the problem and SIL said “Yes we hope so. The smell was dreadful so unless we’ve just gotten used to it, we think the problem is sorted”.
They have one bathroom and a separate toilet downstairs. Our room was next to the bathroom upstairs and on the first night we noticed an awful smell. The bathroom stank, like really public urinals stank. When I went to the toilet I held my breath, it was disgusting. There was no air freshener and no mention from BIL or SIL about the smell.
I said to DH that we should say something, let them know as they must be noseblind to it. He said absolutely not, do not mention it.
Anyway the smell remained and it was so gross that even having a shower in the same room did not dispel it.
On the second night, we were all a bit tipsy and while DH and BIL were in the garden with the dog I said to SIL, really kindly, that I thought maybe their pipes still needed looking at as there was a bit of a whiff in the bathroom. I thought if it was me I’d want to know, especially if I was hosting guests soon. She took it well, seemed a bit surprised and said they would get the plumbers back. She thanked me for mentioning it. We enjoyed the rest of the evening and the next morning went out for a lovely breakfast all together and then we left with lovely goodbyes and see you soons.
We had not even got home when SIL posted on the family Christmas WhatsApp chat “Well, we’re no longer hosting Christmas as apparently our house stinks of piss. Perhaps Womanman will host in their perfect house”.
I was gobsmacked. DH was livid “ I asked you not to say anything”. Before I could respond I was removed from the group chat and SIL not answering my calls. I have messaged to apologise for any offence caused etc but no response.
DH family are furious. They love a bit of drama but I honestly did not think SIL was like that.
Now there is a whole WhatsApp drama going on and I can’t believe I am the cause - I am so not confrontational, I hate it.
I don’t really know what to do.
DH wants nothing to do with it and just keeps saying “I told you not to mention it”.

OP posts:
NearlyMonday · 05/11/2023 19:13

Meowandthen · 05/11/2023 19:10

Weird that the husband wouldn’t tell his own brother.

Probably hasn’t got the balls to have an awkward conversation with one of his relatives

Feraldogmum · 05/11/2023 19:16

You've done nothing wrong ,your in laws are behaving nastily and unreasonably and your husband is being pathetic letting them be so abusive to you. He needs to man up and defend you and speak to his family letting them know how ridiculous they are.
I'd enjoy the break from hosting , enjoy Ireland.

Woopzies · 05/11/2023 19:19

NearlyMonday · 05/11/2023 19:13

Probably hasn’t got the balls to have an awkward conversation with one of his relatives

Or he is well aware that they are a nightmare and therefore knew that avoiding the conversation was the sensible thing to do.

Piseag123 · 05/11/2023 19:20

You were being honest, and if it wasn’t viewed as anything but genuine, then it’s not worth it, they are not worth, it would seem that your SIL, is making a mountain out of a mole hill and the comment that she used would seem there is a bit of a deep seated jealousy going on there, and it’s reared it’s ugly head, families are a nightmare, we used to host every year and stopped a few years ago, as it’s not worth the hassle and it turned into a thankless task! You and your DH do your own thing from on, as you don’t own your family anything!

cantushy · 05/11/2023 19:21

She’s a total nut job

ignore her

Zone2NorthLondon · 05/11/2023 19:25

Great opener, buckle up indeed. It’s all very fraught they clearly are offended
depends if you want to reach out and try make up or are thinking fuck em

Lovely17 · 05/11/2023 19:29

She wants to grow up! I’d be pissed off that I needed to get someone back out but I certainly wouldn’t be going on like that & taking it out on you.

just enjoy Christmas with your family, fuck the lot of them huffy drama queens x

BustyLaRoux · 05/11/2023 19:33

You were asked not to mention it by your DH. His family, his choice. You went ahead and mentioned it. Yes, your SIL is an idiot for being offended and acting the way she has, but your DH obviously knew what would happen and you ignored him.

I have a relative who is extremely easily offended. It’s hard work and we all seem to constantly manage to offend them in some way. But when it’s your family and you just want to keep peace then you learn how to navigate it. Your DH knew how to navigate it but you thought you knew better. I would still go to your parents for Xmas as planned. But maybe next time your DH advises how to handle his family you’ll take him at his word.

Zone2NorthLondon · 05/11/2023 19:34

fuck the lot of them huffy drama queens ⬅️ Nailed it @Lovely17

Juni11 · 05/11/2023 19:37

Send them a hamper of toilet Duck, Air-fresheners and Scented candles for Christmas 🎅🏻 😂

Cosywintertime · 05/11/2023 19:41

God they hate you don’t they? You must have known that?

HurkleDurkling · 05/11/2023 19:44

Your husband read the situation accurately and you ignored his strong advice/guidance.
Are you often so open (tactless) when drink has been partaken? Perhaps it’s time to rethink the amount of alcohol consumed.
Just a thought.

keffie12 · 05/11/2023 19:50

If you want to do something, I would send a template text to all involved singularly, saying something like this

"Hi ????? I did not say the house stank of . I mentioned the smell in the context of the problem ??? said they had, that you hoped the problem was now solved by the plumbers. I thought you would want to know there was still a problem with the drains. I wasn't trying to offend you. I'm sorry you think I was"

Leave it at that. Don't answer any text response or phone calls, etc. Let them get on with it. You will then have had your say.

Otherwise, ignore it and go to your mom's for a change

Tryingmybestadhd · 05/11/2023 19:54

Oh wow 😮 what a bunch if dramatic idiots ! Just ignore it . Honestly go to your parents as planned and ignore it . If you can’t mention something as small as that without being attacked then they are not worthy of any wasted time

badhappenings · 05/11/2023 20:04

It's their house, so presumably they'e got noses!?

All you were doing was pointing out the obvious.

Sometimes tact is called for, so why didn't you just stay stumb?

Your DH warned you for a reason - because this is what some families are like.

mumguilt999 · 05/11/2023 20:07

OP fuck the lot of them, let them have their pissy Christmas and you go to Ireland. If PIL are annoyed they can take it up with Miss Piss because they weren't supposed to be coming to yours anyway.

Imagine getting mad at someone else because YOUR OWN house smells of YOUR OWN piss. Truly bonkers.

Wiseoldbird51 · 05/11/2023 20:12

How pathetic that they didn’t have the balls to take it up with you at the time and give you a chance to respond. I say fuck em, you’ve had a lucky escape from small-minded, weak bastards.

Greenpolkadot · 05/11/2023 20:26

You should have listened to dh, taken note and kept quiet,
Youv caused all this by flapping your lips

LaDamaDeElche · 05/11/2023 20:32

These kinds of things are never best spoken about while being "a bit tipsy"

Bluela18 · 05/11/2023 20:46

I wouldn't worry. You havnt done anything wrong. So embarrassing really that their house smelt that bad, plus you had a few. They need to lighten up really. Unless they thought you said it out of spite?

Danielle9891 · 05/11/2023 20:52

Nose blind is a thing. I didn't realise my sitting room smelled until my SIL mentioned it to me one day and I got the rug and sofa cleaned. I went completely nose blind. I've got a toddler who was getting potty trained, 2 cats and a dog. I honestly would want someone to tell me.

I think your SIL is just being awkward and wants attention or sympathy from your parents in laws.

FindingNeverland28 · 05/11/2023 20:59

If he telling PIL that even if you weren’t going to Ireland, you wouldn’t feel comfortable hosting Christmas for people who think that you would intentionally insult someone. Give them some food for thought for future Christmas’

BlueMongoose · 05/11/2023 21:04

If you are 'not confrontational' why did you mention it? If my DH said 'do not mention this' about something re his family, I wouldn't have mentioned it. He probably knows a lot better than you where the pressure points are in his family.
Likewise, if I said to him about my family 'do not mention this' then he would not mention it.
You seem to have brought this on yourself.
Why did you not take his advice?

Jubelle · 05/11/2023 21:06

Wibblywobblyjelly Ted talks, that's make me piss myself laughing, no pun intended 😂😂😂

Saschka · 05/11/2023 21:11

Some people would travel a long way out of their way in order to be offended. Your SIL is clearly one of these. Thank god you found this out over a stinky bathroom, instead of falling out over something important. You can safely have nothing more to do with her. Ted talks indeed Grin