This is a scenario that myself and my husband were both witness to and it's now causing a huge problem! FYI we have all known each other since our teenage years so a long time.
A(she)+B(he)= married couple (together 17 years married 10)
C(She)+D(he)= Long-term partners (15 years!)
Us! (Married 12 years together for 15)
We are all in our late 30s if that helps.
We were out at a nice restaurant. Since COVID we haven't seen that much of each other so we all agreed to get a nice hotel overnight and go out for dinner and drinks at the halfway point (the furthest between us is about 3 hours). So we meet at the hotel have a chat then go and get ready. Everything is fine at this point. We meet in the lobby and A seems a little icy with B but not that awful, in my opinion. Please note that in my opinion, B can quite often be very rude (lacks social skills - not from any issues - just doesn't care how other people feel at times).
We get a cab and go to the restaurant. We get seated and B's phone goes off and he goes outside to talk to his parents. A is instantly pissed off. She makes comments like "Here we go again" "Why can't they leave him alone for 5 minutes" etc. It's awkward but my husband does an amazing job of turning it around and we are all laughing within a few minutes.
B comes back and A literally just ignores him. He tries to talk to her, but she won't engage. At this point this is more than just the phone call I think, something is clearly going on but I really don't want to get involved and my husband and I have been looking forward to this for a few weeks. We get drinks and order food. B started talking to me and my husband asking about work. A is currently working part-time (she was a full-time social worker and just couldn't hack it - we all agree personally that she's been much happier since she dropped her hours in half and her caseload). If it's relevant here both my husband and I work full time and have the most income - significantly. If you add the rest of their incomes together it doesn't come to half what we make and for some reason, this seems to really interest B - in fact, we discuss it nearly every time we see him!
He asks us about how we divide chores etc in the house - we have a cleaner so that helps but previously we just split things between us depending on who wanted to do what. He then asks me directly whether I help my husband's parents. I haven't spoken to my MIL for nearly 3 years due to the issues I have with her behavior. I don't air our private issues in public - I know my husband is upset that there is no relationship between myself and his family but he also knows that his family caused this so doesn't blame me. I don't want to talk about it as I don't want to rub it in his face. He then hypothetically asked me "If my MIL had, had surgery and couldn't get around and needed help and was very elderly would I consider helping her in the evenings?" Again to not rub things in my husband's face I said "That would depend on my availability - work and family considering". He asked me if I would be open to it and I said sure. At this point, the dinner arrives. We are chomping away and commenting on how delicious the dinner is when suddenly A just gets up and walks out. We are all dumbfounded except B. He carries on eating his dinner telling us to do the same because she is just doing it for "attention". At this point, I feel like all the questioning me about my in-laws has something to do with it.
I tried to call A multiple times. I called the hotel (about 20 minutes after she left) to ask if she had arrived etc but they wouldn't advise me. We finished our meal, had another drink and I said to my husband that I wanted to go back to the hotel because I was no longer comfortable. He agreed. B was fuming, telling us that "she does this all the time to spoil things" and "she'll be back in about an hour completely fine and pretend that she had some emergency". I wasn't buying it. A had gotten upset over the years with comments made (and she had made quite a few herself to others) but she hadn't just walked out and disappeared.
When we got back to the hotel we called other friends and people we knew who knew her to see if anyone had heard from her because B said she wasn't in the hotel room and she'd taken her bag. Their car was still in the car park though. B just went to bed. He wasn't interested in looking. At this point, we felt like there wasn't much we could do but wait so we stayed up watched a crappy movie, and called a couple more times but ultimately went to sleep. The following morning still nothing. B went back home. We got a frantic call from him just over 3 hours later to tell us that she'd been home and most of her things were gone. At this point, my husband just asks him plainly what's going on. He explains that his mother became ill about 10 weeks ago and needed help. His father was very old-fashioned and not coping that well. In their house B is the higher earner but works 12-hour shifts so helping wasn't an option (in his eyes at least). A had put up with a lot from MIL - she'd been rude, deliberately excluded her from Christmas, and took away special moments from her (they have a daughter). To be honest I am really lucky with my husband, he fully supports me but I don't think B supported A at all whilst this was happening. A told us that he kept pushing and telling her that she wasn't making the effort. In the last 4 years, he stopped forcing the relationship - or so we thought.
This happened 2 weeks ago. She removed herself from our WhatsApp group. She sent me and our other friend C a message stating that she was upset that none of us girls " stood up" for her when it was clear that B was referring to her not helping and that she needed some space. She blocked both of us after that.
C feels like A has a point because it was obvious that B was talking about A not helping with his mother (at the time not that obvious to me, but hey ho). C and I also know that 4 years ago A's father died (her mother died nearly 20 years ago) and she was working full-time. B told her they couldn't afford for her to go part-time so she could spend more time with her dad. B said that they had Debts to pay still (turns out very little Debt and B was just saving money for "stuff"). A worked full time and went around there most evenings but cut down because B was complaining that he was working long hours and it wasn't fair he was coming home to having to do all the child care so that A could go around there. She felt like he didn't want her to help her dad out. He died and A was distraught. B did apologise for his behaviour repeatedly but things were really rocky between them for about 8 months. Honestly, I thought she was going to leave him. Their daughter was 3 at this point.
So B's mum came out of the hospital and B wants A to go around and nurse her back to health now she is part-time. According to B A laughed in his face and told him she doesn't care if she dies - he'd finally understand then. He said he'd only brought it up a few times over the last 10 weeks - I'm guessing that isn't true because I know B. When he wants something he's like a bulldog. B knows A doesn't want to be anywhere near him and he hasn't seen his daughter for 2 weeks now. He's expecting a divorce proceedings to start.
Both me, my husband, and C feel like B is the AH here but D thinks that A had her chance to leave him 4 years ago and that she is deliberately doing this out of spite. I don't feel it's the same because MIL is apparently nowhere as ill as her dad was (although her dad didn't engage with GPs etc so none of us really knew how ill he really was until he died).
Really sorry for the long post but basically me and C are getting hateful messages on Facebook from her other friends telling us what scumbags we are and how we don't deserve to live and now I am feeling pretty low about it all. I want to talk to A but I can't.
Are we BU for not supporting her during the dinner? I have told B that until I get A's side of the story I am not taking sides at all, my husband agrees. We know A can also be a little hot-headed (but to be honest we think B is way over the line here)