To be worried about five days a week with 3 year old? And what’s your 3 year old like?

[Whatimconsidering]

I am considering changing from a private day nursery (3 days a week) to a preschool for my nearly 3 yo, but the preschool isn’t open in school holidays. For the shorter ones I think I could manage but the long six week one without a break scares me a bit I must admit.

However by the time it rolls round he’ll be 3 and a half. I’m wondering if by then he might be a bit easier. What are your 3 and a half year olds like?

I have an almost 3yo and I'm a SAHM. She goes to a kind of preschool twice a week for 3 hours. That's when I clean the house and run errands. On days or weeks she is home I like to start the day with filling a thermos with tea because that helps me when I need a mini break. We do a lot of crafts and play with lego duplo and I try to go out in the afternoon. We might go for a walk or to the playground or a zoo or grocery shopping or playing in the garden. When I'm totally fed up with building another tower we try to visit a grandparent. A change of toys and people seams to help. It's hard work sometimes. I also don't feel guilty if I put the tv on so I can cook for a bit. She gets enough attention that I don't believe that a bit of screen time will harm her.

I have a maths degree; I find that pretty easy actually. Maybe I should go around laying into people who don’t like maths and find it difficult and pulling stupid faces at them and telling them how easy it is.

I don’t think a mothers help setup would work, to be honest. It isn’t reliable enough and would be hard to find and I think the problem with having others in your house is children naturally gravitate to you and you have to be back at X time and so on.

So - finding a very new baby and toddler knackering and using some nursery for the eldest to ease this a bit = shit mother who needs to see the GP. I think that applies to a lot of women here!

I think you are being a bit shit here OP. Generally people put up with their kids in the school holidays it's no biggy!

Why, thank you.

I honestly can't believe how judgmental this thread is. I'm a single parent with one nearly 4-year old, and weeks at home with no preschool are TOUGH. Not because I don't love my kid or enjoy time together or have things to do, but because it's exhausting being required to be on full volume from 5:45am till 7:30pm, THEN having to do all the cleaning etc. And because 3 year olds thrive on structure, a social group etc, and go crazy when they suddenly don't have that because it's the vacation. Yes, it's lovely if you have no work to do, can take them out twice a day and have an infinite supply of ideas for new activities every 20 minutes but it's exhausting to do that for weeks at a time.

OP - have you asked around what the other preschool parents do in the long holidays? I'm sure that many parents are also working and have similar issues with the holidays - is there any holiday cover? Can you arrange something privately with some of the same staff? I don't live in the UK but here there is optional childcare for big chunks of the preschool holidays.

I would be wary of splitting the week between two preschools. I think it's really important for kids to feel grounded and that the rules and routine are clear, and it might be difficult for him to be shuttled between different places. However, I would consider doing more days at either one if you can. Outside the weird SAHM world of Mumsnet, most kids this age are in full time preschool, and they absolutely thrive on it. Honestly, the more I read of self-righteous posts talking about how you should love having your 3 year old "help you out" around the home or drag around the supermarket with you, or feel you have to spend all day just getting out of the house... it's really hard to see how this setup is good for either parent or child. My 3-year old is in preschool 5.5 days a week. Last week they did an experiment to get dried beans to grow, they all baked bread, he built a "yacht" from huge blocks with his friends, they have a huge variety of crafts on offer, they learned about autumn, they played outside for hours and he seems to have spent half the week with his two new besties in the sandpit, and spent the whole walk home describing how to play the games that they made up together :) And... all that with no tantrums. I really don't think he's missing out because I didn't drag him to the supermarket, spend 30 mins in the car in order to get to an hour-long activity, or put him in front of the TV to take a break while I was cooking.

And guess what, he's still with me 5 hours a day at the very least before and after preschool, and during the evenings, weekends and holidays I have the energy for quality time with him: go to the library, bake cakes, go on a camping trip with him, do long hikes, travel, etc.

Will your dh be taking some holiday with you during the six weeks? Perhaps that would break it up a bit.
Also a responsible 16 year old may be a thought, you could pay them to help out and they would be under your supervision.

It is a bit of an odd thread. I am literally talking about two days a week in a really lovely day nursery and am being responded to by some in the strangest way.

I really don’t want (or to be fair feel I need) any sort of ‘mothers help’. A quieter couple of days amidst the madness doesn’t equate to needing medical assistance either!

Some of you on this thread should be ashamed of yourselves. OP I’m sorry you’re getting such a hard time. I have 4 dc, and I struggled MASSIVELY with my youngest. All of mine have fairly big age gaps so I was never dealing with an older one under the age of 4 when a new baby came along. It’s HARD, and the assumption that mums know what they’re getting into and should just suck it up is possibly the worst thing. I really found my youngest difficult, and still do now she’s 4. One of my older ones has ASD and tbh I suspect she may too. The first lockdown started just before her first birthday and that was obviously awful too, but I’d already struggled through the first year as she was a baby who just wouldn’t be put down, and screamed pretty much constantly. It broke me tbh, and going to my doctor, being honest, and getting some medication did help.

I think you’ve been very good at graciously deflecting some of the nastier replies. I’d ask that you give yourself some grace too. You have such a tiny baby and pregnancy isn’t easy either, you’ll have had a whole year of your body not really being your own and that alone can make you exhausted and a bit resentful ime. At about that time with all of mine, I felt like I wasn’t really a person in my own right anymore, just someone who facilitated everyone else’s existence. And it’s ok to be raging at that. The idea we have to surrender ourselves to motherhood and love every minute just isn’t going to work for a lot of women. See the bile spewed by those who can’t believe you’ve dared to voice it. There’s no shame in using childcare to give you a break. When we took my dd to a consultant in her first year, it turned out she had allergies and a small stomach hernia. The consultant was very kind and direct and said I needed some space away from her, for the good of us both. We couldn’t afford the childcare at the time but my DH started working from home a few days a week so he was there to take over when it got too much.

Just because you’re a mum doesn’t mean you don’t matter. Needing a break is a perfectly human need, and the expectation that I should be loving every minute with my children made the fact that I WASN’T feel all the more shameful and isolating. If you were my friend I’d be giving you a massive hug and taking the kids off your hands for the day.

Bloody hell,I was exhausted with ONE 2 month old let alone a toddler on the mix too!

Things that could make things easier for the six weeks-

Plan things in advance,almost like a timetable so you're not thinking on your feet during the six weeks.

Get out every day for a walk regardless of the weather- sounds like you do that anyway tbh.

Get a slow cooker and use it a lot so you're not juggling cooking dinner with 2 kids. You can batch cook too so freeze some for another day.

You might find it easier than expected as the children will be older and you'll hopefully be getting more sleep.

Take picnic lunches out with you for your eldest so he eats on time if that helps.

It sounds like you're doing a great job 😊

Ask if this can be moved to Parenting rather than AIBU ,I think you'll have more helpful responses OP.

Jesus this thread is nasty. @Whatimconsidering i am so sorry you’ve had these replies. I’ve got a 3 yo and a 1 yo and it is hard juggling their competing demands. My 3yo is hard full stop - a lot of this is child personality dependant too. If you’ve a child who will happily sit and watch tv or play with their toys for a short time that’s great. Mine won’t.

I’m putting her in a holiday club for a couple of days a week over the holidays because 6 weeks would drive me absolutely bonkers. No shame in that so all those saying otherwise on this thread can fuck off.

Option 3 is a really good plan.
As a general rule I would encourage you to return to work even if it is part-time. Personally I find that work helps me to stay sane and it's also sensible to stay in the workplace
Having year-round childcare ie with a private nursery is a godsend, and as you say, you may be able to add extra days during the school holidays as and when needed.
Having both children in private nursery when you're working, and DC1 in preschool for 2 days so you have a couple of days just with the baby, will work out well I think. Plus in the holidays you could put baby in nursery for an extra day or two so you get time just with DC1.

I have two young children, they're a bit older and a slightly bigger age gap (3.5 years) but I do remember those early months and it's incredibly hard work looking after them both - especially running around after an energetic toddler when you've been up in the night with baby.

Your husband works very long hours and that's a problem I think. If he leaves before the children wake up and gets home after they're in bed, he only sees them at weekends which is a shame for everyone IMO. Does he have a long commute or is he working very long days? Would it help if he could WFH one or two days a week? Could he reduce his hours at all?
Personally I think he should be taking the lead as much as possible at the weekend and certainly giving you a bit of one-to-one time with each child, and ideally an hour or two to yourself as well.

Oh and lastly... you've almost certainly worked this out already, but avoid AIBU! The Parenting section would be a better place for this kind of thread.

Some people just don’t get it @Whatimconsidering

“get out everyday for a walk”

ok so I have a 1 yo who needs to be in the pram. Fine. When I try and take my 3 yo out as well it’s a fucking disaster. I can’t even get down the road, as she will undoubtedly have a tantrum about something. She won’t go on a buggy board. Bikes/scooters she gets fed up after 10 minutes (just as we are far away enough from home that it’s impossible to get back). I can’t carry her and push the pram. She won’t sit in the pram seat and she’s too big now for me to lift her screaming and strap her in without it being dangerous for the baby who is also strapped in - once she was thrashing so wildly she toppled the pram sideways. No amount of threats, bribery or coercion will work. I can threaten to walk off as her road sense isnt good enough.

she’s a really really hard child and it’s hard having her impact on the baby’s life too - waking him from naps etc. if I just had one I could foreman carry her back, but I can’t physically do that and push a pram.

Sounds tough and I do get it,I've worked with children of all ages and had my own. I would suggest that's even more of a reason to get out every day, what's the alternative-to stay indoors all the time? Start off with just round the block if she'll only do 10 mins and increase the distance. Can you walk to the park or drive there and park a couple of roads away and walk?

Stick with the private nursery

Supercamps and Barracuda holiday clubs are brilliant

I'm a teacher so my daughter is in nursery term time only, and has been since 9 months when I went back to work. She was 3 in the summer. It is a challenge but enjoyable (mostly!) I vary activities and do lots of free stuff like parks, the city farm etc. My daughter is pretty easy going so good company. I don't t know how people choose to be SAHP though!

The art to holidays is planning, meet up with friends and get out the house even if it's just to the park. That way the days don't feel as long. Plenty of picnics when the weather allows. Find a local place you can visit you feel comfortable and know where things are. We are very lucky that we live near a museum that my children love and we have annual membership for, it's almost our safe place we know the kids ice it, there are things to do. play area and we know where the toilets are!!! But really it's about having a plan.

I don't know why people are being so horrible OP. It's ok to find it tough, it is tough.
Remember (and some other posters could do with remembering too) that you are 2 months postpartum. Your body is recovering, you're up all night - no wonder you are exhausted when you add in a toddler. It's not a medical problem, or strange - it's normal with a 2 month old. That will be better by the summer, but I think your 2/2 day split is a good balance.

@Give0fecks i think going for ‘walks’ with very small children is misleading. It is fine with babies but between 2-4 they are slow and meander …

As I’ve said we’re good at getting out and about. Just every day works out rather relentless. I have yet to stay in a whole day with either child!