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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That MIL has bought DS an expensive Thomas the tank Train set after I told her we didn't want it?

316 replies

TheDevilWearsPrimark · 10/03/2008 14:36

She has wanted to buy him one for a while. I told her we would prefer Brio, or even a cheaper one that isn't branded.
This morning I got a delivery of a full train set and various trains and accesories.
He is delighted of course, and loves it but I am angry she has spent too much money and gone against our expressed wishes.

Am I just ungrateful?

OP posts:
alicet · 10/03/2008 14:51

But you don't have to pay for Thomas stuff to add to it - it is compatible with any wooden train set stuff - Ikea, ELC, Brio, Tesco and you can also get a lot on ebay.

YANBU to be pissed off that your MIL did something that you had expressly asked her not to. It was totally wrong of her to disregard this in such a blatant manner. I think you (or dh) should take her up on this as she will probably do it again if not and next time it might be about something more important.

However I do think your reasons are a bit unreasonable. I too did have an aversion to branded stuff like this but have slowly come to realise its a fact of life and there are bigger things to worry about. And agree with poster that your ds is too young to have a clue he has been bought something expensive - he wouldn't know the difference. Which is a strong argument to buy he cheap set really but it's her money not yours so I think you need to let this one go.

fruitfulinotherways · 10/03/2008 14:51

You can probably add other wooden train set bits to it. Brio/Thomas/Tesco are all compatible. Once you've built up a collection you can quietly 'lose' the Thomas trains if you hate them that much!

Mum buys my kids loads of junk. If its something they love, great. If not, I send it to the charity shop (and tell my mum, in the vain hope that she might stop buying stuff).

I recently pointed out to my Mum that my dd only wants to see her because she'll get a present. I'm hoping this will result in less junk...

fruitfulinotherways · 10/03/2008 14:52

sorry, too slow...

sparklesandnowinefor9months · 10/03/2008 14:52

maybe she thought you were saying you didn't want it just because it was expensive and wanted to do a kind thing and get it if you couldn't afford it maybe

....either that or she was doing what (nearly!) every MIL does and just completely ignore you because they can!!

I do hope she was just trying to do a kind thing, maybe just accept it and take it on the chin this time but if it happens again confront her, as you said your DS loves it

BibiThree · 10/03/2008 14:53

I offer my sympathy. MIL buys dd what SHE thinks wants, to fill our house with large plastic toys, while at the same time sniping that we really should move (because it's as easy as that) as our house is so tiny.

Original poster
TheDevilWearsPrimark · 10/03/2008 14:55

It isn't even a birthday gift, she just ordered it and had it delivered after we talked about wanting to get one. I think after she heard me say I didn't like themed ones it was a little wrong of her to go ahead and order one.
This is the kind of thing she does all the time, she decides what she wants to do and doesn't listen to anyone else.

But maybe i am being unreasonable. I am not ungrateful. I just know she could have better spent her money and it annoys me that she blatantly ignores our opinions on things.

OP posts:
fruitfulinotherways · 10/03/2008 14:55

Hmm, I don't think buying lots of stuff shows that my Mum cares, I think it shows that she likes shopping. OTOH, my children really love MIL, who doesn't buy stuff but does play with them...

Sorry, hijack!

alicet · 10/03/2008 14:57

Have to say I would have had a biger issue with her sending this out of the blue when it wasn't his birthday without asking you first. I always make a point of checking with parents that its appropriate to give a present to their child if its not for an occasion - you might have been really cross with him about something and then this bloody massive present arrives to undermine you!

FluffyMummy123 · 10/03/2008 14:58

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scottishmummy · 10/03/2008 14:58

time for a reality check here!many families and children are living in poverty and temporary or unsuitable accommodation bet they would love a TT train set

don't "lose" this on purpose if you absolutely can not tolerate having it (and frankly i cannot think of a good reason) then donate to women's aid

but honestly ask yourself why do you need to exercise such strict control and feel need to expressly state your wishes - families are supposed to be fun, fluid, autonomous adults who also can chose their own gifts

Original poster
TheDevilWearsPrimark · 10/03/2008 14:58

And now wehave them I can't just pass them on quickly and quietly as they are so insanely expensive. She bought a figure of 8 track with a train shed, a table to set it up on, and 8 trains to go with it.

OP posts:
FluffyMummy123 · 10/03/2008 14:59

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FluffyMummy123 · 10/03/2008 14:59

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Astrophe · 10/03/2008 15:00

I'd be really cross if my MIL bought something I had asked her not to buy. It puts you in an awkward position, and is just rude, to go out and purposely do something you've been asked not to do.

Fortunately my MIL never asks what the kids want, and just buys bizarre tat on each gift giving occasion

Original poster
TheDevilWearsPrimark · 10/03/2008 15:00

fruitful that may be a good insight. She sends lots of feck of massive and extravagant gifts but is useless in times of need or crisis.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheDevilWearsPrimark · 10/03/2008 15:02

icod I am biting my tongue right now.

OP posts:
Kathyis6incheshigh · 10/03/2008 15:02

You could put the engines away as they'll probably be collectors' items when he's older.

Miaou · 10/03/2008 15:02

I am not surprised you are cross. Ungrateful/not ungrateful is a red herring here - the point is, she heard your opinion and ignored it, effectively overriding you in your own home. I agree with fruitful, I doubt it's about being nice to your ds, but about her undermining you.

My mum - the other end of the spectrum - rang me last night to ask if it was OK to buy the kids Easter eggs - I appreciated being asked

Fillyjonk · 10/03/2008 15:03

i think it is soooooooo irritating

but

what i have come to accept is that these gifts are there because their relatives love them and, unfortunately imo, equate that to expensive toys

I have a tricky situation re mil. she churns out vile, vile knitted toys-at least I hate them. they are garish acrylic, I worry they will spontaneously combust. Now I say NOTHING, of course, knitted with love yada yada, BUT I too am a knitter (though also a yarn/"natural" fibres snob, and I KNOW some people think I am responsible for these monstrosities...

sparklesandnowinefor9months · 10/03/2008 15:05

I'll have it if you don't want it!

expatinscotland · 10/03/2008 15:05

I never, ever open packages in front of my children unless I'm 100% of what it is - i.e., a DVD I purchased from play.com or that.

Otherwise, I put them away and open them whilst they are sleeping.

Although I've not been in your situation, this strategy would have allowed you to return the set without his ever knowing what it was.

Original poster
TheDevilWearsPrimark · 10/03/2008 15:05

Sparkles you are right, DS loves it so I should just get over it.

It is just one in a long line of things she has done so it's pissed me off.
I was planning to buy him a few brio bits from our independent toyshop this weekend and then add to them every couple of months. Now he's got this huge feck off set up so will appreciate it less I think.

OP posts:
FluffyMummy123 · 10/03/2008 15:07

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FluffyMummy123 · 10/03/2008 15:08

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posieflump · 10/03/2008 15:09

yes agree presents just for presents sake are annoying unless she has asked you first