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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sad that no one would help

756 replies

Parpadew · 03/11/2023 06:55

Emergency last night and I needed someone to drive a forty minute round trip. That's all. Never asked for this or any favour really before. I offered to pay. No one would help. Not my mum, siblings. One friend would have but she's on holiday. Got a taxi in the end but it was sheer luck one turned up as it's not a well covered part of the country.

Feel really alone right now!

OP posts:
dylanschicken · 03/11/2023 16:00

@JeanetteLT

But there were warnings on Wednesday about only travelling if it was absolutely necessary

They didn't cover the whole country though.

NoisyBrain · 03/11/2023 16:34

ChristmasPuddingFace · 03/11/2023 15:27

@NoisyBrain Where does the OP say it was in Scotland?

There were numerous trains cancelled yesterday and LNER are advising passengers to delay any journeys planned today.

Well, I think a few posts/pages in a poster guessed that the OP's DP had been caught up in the the East Coast Main Line disruption in Scotland yesterday where damage to overhead wires meant loads of trains got stuck, then I think OP posted something that confirmed it. But tbh the way this thread has gone since I'm starting to think I dreamt it 😂

Flipdiddle · 03/11/2023 16:43

There will be more to this

Oh so much more! 😂

I would love to hear from the friends and family of the OP for their views!

TruckerDave · 03/11/2023 17:08

I totally feel you rn, as I have found myself in this situation. Last time was only about 6 weeks ago when i needed someone to drive me somewhere to buy a motorhome I'd dell in love with at a bargain price.

I even said using my car not even theirs!

I found the response from a couple of ppl was "can do it in 2 weeks" err, yeah, like the motorhome will still be available in 2 weeks! That, to me, is basically a saying an insincere yes (knowing it's pointless) without saying no!

I got the train in the end.
Cost more than the fuel Would have.

I am always the taxi, always happy to drive someone anywhere and I mean anywhere, I don't ask for fuel either I let them offer unless it's only a few miles away I don't take anything in return.

Always picking friends and partner's friends from a pub or restaurant, if I am with them i drive, cba with taxis and i choose not to drink alcohol. i have 5 spare seats for anyone wanting a lift home.
Anyway, it seems that whenever I need a lift, the excuses come in thick n fast from everyone.

So, my advice is simple, Take pleasure I saying a big fat "NO!" whenever someone asks you for a favour in future .

It's what I'm doing going forward.

And that really is going against my nature of a helpful person.

Hope this helps.

xmaswiththeinlaws · 03/11/2023 18:05

It depends why they were stranded, but if it was the train not getting to its planned station you should be able to get a refund on the taxi as they are supposed to provide travel to the station that you paid to get to, train, connecting bus or taxi. Discovered that when I was a student and got abandoned a 45 minute drive from home at around midnight with no onward connection because they didn't finish the journey for some reason. I would hope someone would help but I wouldn't rely on it, we have some family who definitely would if they were available and others who probably wouldn't drop everything to help. I guess some depends on the person's situation, if they were home alone with a small child/children late at night they might not have the option.

Flipdiddle · 03/11/2023 18:13

TruckerDave · 03/11/2023 17:08

I totally feel you rn, as I have found myself in this situation. Last time was only about 6 weeks ago when i needed someone to drive me somewhere to buy a motorhome I'd dell in love with at a bargain price.

I even said using my car not even theirs!

I found the response from a couple of ppl was "can do it in 2 weeks" err, yeah, like the motorhome will still be available in 2 weeks! That, to me, is basically a saying an insincere yes (knowing it's pointless) without saying no!

I got the train in the end.
Cost more than the fuel Would have.

I am always the taxi, always happy to drive someone anywhere and I mean anywhere, I don't ask for fuel either I let them offer unless it's only a few miles away I don't take anything in return.

Always picking friends and partner's friends from a pub or restaurant, if I am with them i drive, cba with taxis and i choose not to drink alcohol. i have 5 spare seats for anyone wanting a lift home.
Anyway, it seems that whenever I need a lift, the excuses come in thick n fast from everyone.

So, my advice is simple, Take pleasure I saying a big fat "NO!" whenever someone asks you for a favour in future .

It's what I'm doing going forward.

And that really is going against my nature of a helpful person.

Hope this helps.

Why couldn’t you have driven your car out of interest

Flipdiddle · 03/11/2023 18:14

Oh I see you were going to drive it back 😖

User8054245 · 03/11/2023 19:41

You took it upon yourself because of his "debilitating anxiety" to ring round and then spent 5 hours trying to find a taxi for him? All while not being there yourself. How can you find that attractive in a partner?

This relationship sounds deeply odd. Does your partner have special needs or do you overbearingly organise everything in his life? That has to play some role in the reason why family members refused to assist, even in exchange for payment.

Datafan55 · 03/11/2023 19:55

User8054245 · 03/11/2023 19:41

You took it upon yourself because of his "debilitating anxiety" to ring round and then spent 5 hours trying to find a taxi for him? All while not being there yourself. How can you find that attractive in a partner?

This relationship sounds deeply odd. Does your partner have special needs or do you overbearingly organise everything in his life? That has to play some role in the reason why family members refused to assist, even in exchange for payment.

If you are stranded for heavens knows how long with perhaps only a little battery left on your phone (eg after a long journey), having someone phone around for you would be much appreciated. It's hardly a weakness, particularly if you'd left home as prepared as possible, eg fully charged.

Catsmere · 03/11/2023 20:41

User8054245 · 03/11/2023 19:41

You took it upon yourself because of his "debilitating anxiety" to ring round and then spent 5 hours trying to find a taxi for him? All while not being there yourself. How can you find that attractive in a partner?

This relationship sounds deeply odd. Does your partner have special needs or do you overbearingly organise everything in his life? That has to play some role in the reason why family members refused to assist, even in exchange for payment.

Makes me wonder if, far from "I never ask them for help" as the OP claimed, they've had it up to here with being asked to do things for this bloke. How does he hold down a job (assuming he was coming home from work - I'm just going from it being rush hour) if this "debilitating anxiety" means he can't call a cab or talk to any of the other stranded passengers, who were all in the same position?

fuckssaaaaake · 03/11/2023 21:05

Parpadew · 03/11/2023 07:19

The reason was they didnt want to. Maybe this thread is making me feel better because while I think it was horrible and right and lazy of them perhaps that's just the standard now. I would absolutely never have done this to them.
And, as above, there were no taxis because of the nationwide collapse in the train system. It was absolutely luck of the gods that I found one after five hours.

It's not standard to not want to help. I would even do this for a colleague or acquaintance. I'm sorry you have no one you can rely on

Bexter76 · 03/11/2023 23:20

My BIL got stuck in this same storm/situation. My FIL drove out to rescue him, zero cabs or help from train company. FIL also picked up 3 random strangers in the same shitty situation and dropped them at home. Pretty shit non of the OP's fam willing to help when strangers stepping in to do similar.

Legendairy · 03/11/2023 23:30

I can't imagine not doing this for my family if they had no other option, same for a friend, but I would have tried a cab in the first instance before trying anyone other than DH or DS.

PetsAreBetter · 03/11/2023 23:32

OP, I'm taking from your last post that your partner called no-one but you, when they had a phone and people around they could have interacted with, because they have debilitating anxiety. If this is right, then your partner needs to get help to manage his anxiety. You running around putting bandaids over everything will not help this get any better. From a wife who wished she'd been less helpful earlier and pushed her DH to get help.

Is it possible your family knew your partner had the ability to help himself but saw you as trying to do for him what he could do for himself, and them being asked to step in to support you to do for him what he could do for himself, so they said no? Maybe they have seen this before and don't want to get involved in this dynamic?

Catsmere · 03/11/2023 23:50

@PetsAreBetter that's the impression I'm getting from this since OP's last update.

btw love your username - couldn't agree more! 😸

jlpth · 03/11/2023 23:59

A 40 min drive, yes I would have done it. And I would remember that these family members wouldn't help.

MariaLuna · 04/11/2023 00:05

Sorry to hear that OP.
Sad.

We are all basically alone in the world.

I was blessed to have a (Morrocan, not that it matters) taxi driver wait for me to bring me home having to go to the care home when my mum had a stroke there in the middle of the night.
He went to drink coffee with his friend while waiting to bring me back home.
People are so kind.

She died.

Single mum.
Son was at university, thank god.

Life is hard.

Passepartoute · 04/11/2023 01:03

Assuming I was available, I wouldn't hesitate to help in this situation, and indeed I have done in the past. Happily my family would feel the same if I needed help.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 04/11/2023 02:05

It's in circumstances like these that really do illustrate how uncaring people can be
nowadays

Highlandsprocker · 04/11/2023 07:06

PetsAreBetter · 03/11/2023 23:32

OP, I'm taking from your last post that your partner called no-one but you, when they had a phone and people around they could have interacted with, because they have debilitating anxiety. If this is right, then your partner needs to get help to manage his anxiety. You running around putting bandaids over everything will not help this get any better. From a wife who wished she'd been less helpful earlier and pushed her DH to get help.

Is it possible your family knew your partner had the ability to help himself but saw you as trying to do for him what he could do for himself, and them being asked to step in to support you to do for him what he could do for himself, so they said no? Maybe they have seen this before and don't want to get involved in this dynamic?

Edited

Very astute.
From the sounds of it there is a back story and Op gave very sketchy details.
Likely Op is a people pleaser/ enabler/ Co dependent and never says no.
Expecting others to do the same comes with problems as when they assert their boundaries often it turns into a drama.
Ending your relationship with your sister over this means either a complete overreaction or there's other issues going on.
People are allowed to say no particularly if Op has form for dragging other people into drama surrounding the BF
They might have had a drink, be ill, exhausted etc or just not want to.
It's fine
If Op wants a car available then buy one , take responsibility not tell people they are duty bound to give lifts whenever she wants one.

Flipdiddle · 04/11/2023 07:13

There will be a HUGE backstory

think about all the threads where posters say that they are being taken advantage of

and what’s the consensus that infuriating mumsnet motto “NO. Is a complete sentence”

my guess? The OP has relentlessly pissed off not just one member of her family, but ALL of them. Repeatedly. Over many years. And not just trivial stuff. And they have had ENOUGH (I’d hazard a guess that there has been managed a thread started by these family members about the OP over the years taking the piss)

HelpingJands · 04/11/2023 07:51

If you get stranded and because of that taxis are busy, you know one will become available eventually so you just wait it out. I'd be embarrassed if I was a grown man and called someone to let them know I'd be late because of train problems and they took it upon themselves to declare an emergency and ring round their friends and family to ask them to pick me up.

OP sounds like a drama llama.

Busephalus · 04/11/2023 07:54

Alot of cities have hourly car hire schemes, it may be worth signing up to one of those for future occasions

HelpingJands · 04/11/2023 08:20

BlurredEdges · 03/11/2023 12:33

As you get older and more vulnerable?

So are you already quite advanced in years?

But you asked your mother to drive out into the middle of nowhere, in terrible weather, to collect your adult boyfriend?

How old is your mum?

Show quote history

OP said on another thread she's in her 40s. So she was ringing round her friends and family asking them to pick up a (presumably) middle-aged man so he didn't have to wait till a taxi became free.

OP seems to be Mothering a middle aged bloke. And lying to him about why her friends and family said no as otherwise 'he'd be hurt'.

I agree with PP that there is undoubtedly a huge back story here.

TruckerDave · 04/11/2023 08:28

I can't drive a car AND a Motorhome at once now can I lol