To be sad that no one would help

[Parpadew]

Emergency last night and I needed someone to drive a forty minute round trip. That's all. Never asked for this or any favour really before. I offered to pay. No one would help. Not my mum, siblings. One friend would have but she's on holiday. Got a taxi in the end but it was sheer luck one turned up as it's not a well covered part of the country.

Feel really alone right now!

Hehe no worries 👍

We live far from partner's family. They would absolutely have helped me if we were there. They'd have helped some friend of mine they'd never met. That's why I asked. I thought I can't not ask for him when he would for me. I did know his family were more loving and giving than mine (sometimes feel they give too much of themselves but I can see the beauty in it).

People mocking me for caring about making someone I love who suffers from anxiety (yes, as above, debilitating anxiety which is actually caused by a physical condition) feel cared for can go to hell to be honest. You must be a blight on the vulnerable people in your lives.

Hehe no worries 👍 ☺️

People aren't mocking you, they're more puzzled as to why an adult man, 20 mins from home couldn't get himself home in 5 hours and had you swooping in to save him.
A city with no taxi for 5 hours? I'm finding that very hard to believe, how long did you wait before you called for a taxi? I live in a very small place and it's an hour for a taxi.

If your partner has such debilitating anxiety that you need to protect him, you need to learn to drive and run a car so that you can do it. You can’t decide that he must be protected, but that you’ll just outsource this to members of your family!

Does he not have any friends who would have come to get him?

No-ones mocking you for wanting to make your DP feel cared for.

But you can't expect other people to do things for him so that you can feel good about yourself.

All you did was make a few 'phone calls and all you were going to do was sit at home in the warm and dry waiting. While you expected other people to consider a grown man having to wait a while to get a taxi an emergency, and jump in their car to drive 40 mins to rescue him. It's really easy to be caring when it's not you who has to actually do anything.

And then you got all dramatic about it when people didn't want to.

I'd think it bloody bizarre if my friend or family member called me to pick up their grown male DP. And even more bizarre if they then decided that I was horrible, lazy and our relationship was damaged because I said I didn't want to.

I don't understand how he's not embarrassed that you even asked anyone.

If you are in a caring role for someone who has such bad anxiety, you need to have support plans in place in case this kind of situation arises. Carers must always have back up plans that don't rely on if someone else might be available.

I do know what I'm talking about. My DH, who I have been married to for 30 years, has an anxiety disorder for one reason. There are others. He didn't get help and I had to care for our young children and constantly try to smooth over things to make his life easier. It was a bad idea, though I thought it was the loving thing at the time. I was enabling him not to get help and get it sorted. Best thing I should have done was insist he get help, for everyone's sake.

Eventually my DH's employer forced him to attend counselling and it was great for him. He now has it under control. It's always there but he can manage it.

The best thing you can do for your partner is get him proper help to learn to manage his anxiety disorder and live a fuller and easier life.

Only people with quite limited imagination would be wondering this tbh. My nearest station is 20 min and 10 miles away. If I couldn't get a lift or a taxi back then the walk would involve 7 miles along a duel carriageway.

OP YANBU. Have you thought about moving closer to your husband's family?

No one has mocked you.
In the short term supporting someone is helpful.
Continuing to step in means someone never recovers or starts to recover from a MH condition like this.
It's the transference of his anxiety to you that's codependent.
You then transfer it to your relatives who seem to have caught on and said no.
You described this situation as " an emergency.
To most people it's annoying not an emergency.

I live less than 20 miles from Central London. The train journey between my town (population 50,000+) and one stop nearer London (15,000+) takes 4 minutes.
Due to a motorway between the two stations, the journey on foot would take just under 2 hours if you were happy to use unlit country lanes with no streetlights of footpaths or nearer 3 hours if you walked along a dual carriageway with occasional footpath and navigated a motorway junction.

Clearly, empathy is a somewhat outdated concept around here.

Couldn't any of your children's friends parents take to school

Earlier in the year I had leg in plaster then boot and couldn't do school runs for around 3mths

My daughters lovely parents of her friends Collected my dd en route to school and sometimes even their granny helped me out

I am forever grateful as yes not being able to walk and do the school run is awful

I don’t think it’s odd to call family to see if they can pick up your husband who’s stuck at a train station 40 mins round trip away with no taxis.

But that’s the thing… most of this thread can’t believe that there were no taxis available in your city for 5 hours. Because cities have a lot of taxis.

So when your family refused you, it was because they didn’t want to use about an hour of their time, when there was a simple solution that wouldn’t take much longer. And a grown arse man sat at a station for an extra hour early evening isn’t a big deal. I expect they had no idea it would take 5 hours to get a taxi.

@Parpadew still hasn’t shared what her family actually said (and her to them) and I still don’t understand why she’s so particularly against her sister. I suspect that she won’t tell us why they didn’t go out, because it would reveal she either didn’t ask clearly (e.g. it was a group text, or she didn’t tell them there were no taxis, rather than a wait) or they had a reason (just putting tea on then child had swimming).

I really suspect that the family saying no, had no idea they were condemning him to a 5 hour wait. OP started out making it sound like they were all in a village with no taxis - not that she lived in a city!

And still people are making things up - he should have got a taxi (when there weren't any), she's obviously always asking for favours etc, etc.

What was your family's excuses /reason why they couldn't

I do find it weird that no one could drive 20mins there and back again to help out if it was around 5/6pm/rush hour

Yea maybe at work. Maybe sorting kids tea /bedtime out

Does dp have many friends @Parpadew

None of them could have got him ?

But if I was able to help I would

I don’t think anyone has mocked you for caring about your disabled partner - more about your over the top reaction towards your family, in particular your sister. You haven’t explained the reasons why they didn’t want to do it, maybe they’d had a glass of wine/had young children/not confident about driving in the dark etc. Or perhaps as other posters have suggested they might be fed up with you infantilising him. You haven’t really given enough details for people to know if your grievance is genuine or not 🤷🏻‍♀️

I would have come and got you and can't believe how many people have said they wouldn't!

I once received a text from a neighbour who had walked out of hospital at around 2am after she was kept in for observations. She phoned me to say she didn't like how the doctors had spoken to her so wanted to go home so could I come and get her. I did go because she was walking around the carpark in her dressing gown and it was freezing. It was 50 mins round trip by car and I had work in the morning.

Exactly. They were like most people I expect, probably thinking he would be able to get a taxi if he waited for them to get less busy. And that is exactly what happened.

And OP also hasn't explained what her DP was doing if anything, to help himself. Was he just sat there like a lemon waiting for OP to solve his problem?

OP didn't need collecting. She was asking her friends and family to pick up her male middle aged DP.

Because she decided he needed rescuing and expected other people to do it. Then she massively got the hump when people declined.

I have sympathy for the lemon thing.
My sister has (diagnosed, medicated) anxiety and social anxiety. She really would wait 5 hours rather than say, “hey - is your taxi going to Edinburgh and how about splitting the cost?” Not her fault.

OP said

"Yeah he could have sorted it himself but I was worried his phone would die plus he has quite debilitating anxiety sometimes so I wanted to help"

So he could've sorted it himself according to the OP, but because he has anxiety sometimes she took it upon herself to rescue him. So was he just sat there like a lemon waiting for her to sort something out for him on his behalf? seems a valid question.

You would permanently damage your relationship with your sister because she wouldn’t pick up a grown man that she is only related to by marriage to you who was stuck at a train station twenty minutes away. I would say your sister has boundaries.

My husband would be embarrassed to call this an emergency and be “rescued” by his sister in law. You have a cheek sitting there in warmth and comfort ringing round your family and expecting them to get up and rescue this man baby. If he really is this needy you need to get driving and get a car, not expect your family to pick up the slack.

Needed to drive motor home back?

What a thoroughly vicious post.

@CrimpleFimply Ah OK, I stand corrected 🙈 that'll teach me to read the full thread before replying!

'Hello Angela' said the panicked voice, 'can you please please help me. Derek is in an emergency.'
'Oh no, it's ok Patricia, what has happened?'
'He's sat waiting at a train station for a cab.'
'Could you clarify what the emergency is?'