To think class rep is being homophobic?

[fuckedoffandworried]

DC has just started school. Another child in the class has two mums, I’ll call them A and B. We have a class rep who volunteered earlier in the term and collected contact numbers for the other class parents for a WhatsApp group, which is mostly the mums but a few dads too. A and B both do the school run, it’s probably A most days but B is there at least once a week. A and B are both in the WhatsApp group and both reply to messages pretty equally. The class rep is organising two social events and posted about them in the WhatsApp group last week. One for the mums and one for the dads. Most of the dads aren’t in the WhatsApp group, so the class rep asked in there for mums to send over contact numbers for their partners or kids dads so that the dads evening could be organised. A few of the kids in DCs class have divorced parents, so I think the idea is so both parents can be involved with other class parents. The class rep has made a separate WhatsApp group for the mums event and her DH has made one for the dads. They put A in the mums group for the mums event and B in the dads group for the dads event.

B asked if this was a mistake in the main WhatsApp group, and the class rep has come back saying that it’s not a mistake, it’s because she and some of the other mums have agreed it wouldn’t be fair for her and A to both come to the mums event. Most of the mums don’t know each other very well, and they want everyone to be in the same boat and mix with each other. They’re saying no bringing your partner to either the mums or the dads event, so A can’t bring B. The class rep has said she’s put A in the mums group and B in the dads group because she thought B would fit in better with the dads than A. A and B have both said they won’t be going.

AIBU to think this is homophobia and let the class teacher know?

Well yes, because rather than a group of single people, it now a group of single people and a couple. Completely different dynamic. The best way to manage this would be for an all parents meet up.

Really unpleasant behaviour.

What on earth could the teacher do?

Nope it creates a completely different dynamic to include one couple.

why not create an all parents meet up instead.

I was thinking along the lines of the posters who said not to involve the teacher, but if the school specifically asked for the whatsapp group to be set up and tells the rep what to put on it then that's different, the whatsapp group is being used as an extension of, and endorsed by, the school and represented as an official way of communication. That's different to a random parent taking it upon themselves to set up a group and in those circumstances I would have a word, either with the teacher or with the head.

I'm glad you and some others spoke up on the group. I'm shocked more people didn't, you'd think this would be completely unacceptable in 2023 ffs! If you have a chance to speak to one of the mums face to face I'm sure they'd appreciate it.

Just the rationale that they don't want 2 mums going together because it won't be fair on the others is ridiculous in itself (who cares? would it really make that much of a difference? perhaps the 2 mums wouldn't be able to go to the same event because one will need to stay at home with their child anyway!) but arbitrarily putting one in the 'dad' group ffs is just horrendous! wtf is wrong with people!

This is absolutely shocking OP. I’m so glad you’re making a stand against it and that you’ve reached out to the couple who have been targeted. Beyond nasty and insensitive by the class rep. She should be asked to step down by the school as she’s shown herself to be totally unsuited to the role

That’s horrible, this class rep sounds nasty, such a vile thing to do.
Can you get two or three other parents who think like you and tackle her?
I couldn’t be part of any group controlled by a person like this. She’s “ representing” you all.

Yes, what’s the problem?

Wow, I usually roll my eyes at accusations of isms and phobias but this really is not on. Mum B is not a "partner", she IS the parent so she is fully entitled to be in with the other mums.

Outsiders putting lesbian couples into "man" and "woman" halves is lesbophobia 101.

Saying that Mum B would fit in better with the dads is a massive faux pas. Why on Earth would the class rep assume that? Is Mum B butch? Is it because she's the less visible parent, like how dads are usually the less involved parents? Either way these are not good assumptions.

I can't believe anyone thought this was acceptable; why didn't the class rep just ask the lesbian couple what they wanted if she was unsure?

And if two of the mums were sisters, would one of them also be asked to be a 'dad' for the evening, because none of the other mums will have her sister there?

Why is the class rep homophobic?

What an utterly ridiculous comparison is anyone else bringing their sister?

Back in the dim and distant past of the early 2000s, when WhatsApp fortunately didn't exist, I was a class rep for one of my DC's pre-prep classes. One girl had two mums. Even back in those Dark Ages, both mums were "mums" - but, more to the point, I didn't organise twee gendered shit for "mums" and "dads". Everything was organised for "parents and carers" (because several children had nannies or very involved grandparents). That way, nobody was left out. Though I have to say this wasn't a deliberate policy - it would never have crossed my mind that women and men would want separate events. Mums and dads did quite often meet up separately, but that was because they chose to do so. It was nothing to do with school or the class reps.

We seem to have gone back 20 years rather than moving on.

why would it be a different dynamic? I'm assuming the group activity isn't speed dating!
what sort of interaction do you expect these groups of mums to be having where it would make any difference if there was a couple there or not?
presumably people will be bunching into smaller groups anyway as it's impossible to have a general conversation with, what, up to 30 people, if one group consists of a couple, anyone who thought that would 'ruin the dynamic' could just avoid them and speak to any of the other 30 women there?

I do agree that the whole separate events by sex thing is in itself unnecessary.

A) no it doesnt- grown up couples can socialise without being stuck to each other and hanging on each other.

B)Then you don’t split things by gender like we are in 1950- split it by separating every couple and having the two halves in different groups or just have a parents/carers get together and stop creating weird divisions.

Because she's trying to say that a child can't have two mums and that one of the mums has to be a man. Clearly.

Fucking hell, I'm so glad I left the class WhatsApp's.

Absolutely homophobic and I'd be explicitly saying that in the group

um...are you okay?
I can't even work out what you're so angry about? Who's a fucking child/student?

Because she is treating the lesbian couple less favourably because they are gay.

@Maatandosiris Well yes, because rather than a group of single people, it now a group of single people and a couple. Completely different dynamic. The best way to manage this would be for an all parents meet up.

It really won't be a completely different dynamic, I can't imagine they're going to be going at it in the middle of the function. They'll most likely both socialise independently just the same as any of the other mums! As others have mentioned it's quite possible that other mums will be sisters/friends/cousins/neighbours or already know each other in another fashion and they aren't being exiled to the dads!

Plainly and obviously homophobic and it’s sad that we have the odd bigot on here defending it.

Report it to the Head.

oh we all know things with partners is a completely different dynamic to coming on your own.

TBH I fucking hate mums groups anyway. I’d much rather hang with the dads, mums groups are like being back at school. Generally a bunch of women desperate to be friends with the “in” mum(s), it’s fucking depressing . I find school mums groups fucking awful, usually shit boring conversation if I was one of the mums in question I’d be fighting with my partner to go to the blokes event.

It's totally homophobic and needs tackling. It's not for the class teacher to sort out though. You need to be brave enough to speak up. I'm sure many other parents feel the same. It's not on and needs calling out.

Sorry, just read your updates. Well done for challenging.