To think class rep is being homophobic?

[fuckedoffandworried]

DC has just started school. Another child in the class has two mums, I’ll call them A and B. We have a class rep who volunteered earlier in the term and collected contact numbers for the other class parents for a WhatsApp group, which is mostly the mums but a few dads too. A and B both do the school run, it’s probably A most days but B is there at least once a week. A and B are both in the WhatsApp group and both reply to messages pretty equally. The class rep is organising two social events and posted about them in the WhatsApp group last week. One for the mums and one for the dads. Most of the dads aren’t in the WhatsApp group, so the class rep asked in there for mums to send over contact numbers for their partners or kids dads so that the dads evening could be organised. A few of the kids in DCs class have divorced parents, so I think the idea is so both parents can be involved with other class parents. The class rep has made a separate WhatsApp group for the mums event and her DH has made one for the dads. They put A in the mums group for the mums event and B in the dads group for the dads event.

B asked if this was a mistake in the main WhatsApp group, and the class rep has come back saying that it’s not a mistake, it’s because she and some of the other mums have agreed it wouldn’t be fair for her and A to both come to the mums event. Most of the mums don’t know each other very well, and they want everyone to be in the same boat and mix with each other. They’re saying no bringing your partner to either the mums or the dads event, so A can’t bring B. The class rep has said she’s put A in the mums group and B in the dads group because she thought B would fit in better with the dads than A. A and B have both said they won’t be going.

AIBU to think this is homophobia and let the class teacher know?

I feel sorry for, depressed on behalf of and exhausted for A and B, that their child’s is having to go to school with kids whose parents think like this.

What weasels the other parents are: can’t turn up at a pub without their partner as a comfort blanket, can’t stand up to a homophobe, just in it for themselves.

What a horrible, horrible school environment. Not a place I’d want my child to be. Sorry.

Totally agree. I would personally remove myself from the group and have very little to do with them. Definitely not people I would want to socialise with. I would not be attending their social event. It is homophobic bullying behaviour. Everyone now talking about them behind their back how juvenile they need to seriously grow up. I feel so sorry for these two mum's how awful to be treated and excluded in this way by grown adults who should know better

I'm wondering what would happen if one of the children had two Dads. Would one go into the Mum's group and the other go into the Dad's WhatsApp group? Who gets to choose which one they go into and what happens if they discover they would be better off in the other group to the one they're in?

Definitely bring it up with the School.

Personally, I'd leave the group, and then let the school know that you wish to be informed about anything important directly rather than through the class rep, as you're unwilling to be a party to homophobic bullying.

Exactly. This is a school, there to education THE CHILDREN. Part of that education is community building. The community is the children. When they’re 4 and 5 years old, the children need their parents to build community for them.

This class rep is doing the opposite of community building. They are actively deconstructing it before it’s even begun. And that, btw, in a way that’s actually illegal - plain and simple discrimination on the grounds of sexual orientation.

I too would leave the group and take up direct communication with the school again. Schools devolve this duty to communicate because teachers and staff have too much on their plates already. But, no parent should be obliged to participate in a discriminatory group that goes against the school’s aims (community building). So, back to them I’d go.

@JohnnysMama some next level zero sum thinking there. So we should tolerate our local bigots because there's several wars on? Nope. Let's not forget that bigotry and intolerance of difference are part of the roots of war. No turning a blind eye to the bigots in our midst.

Some confusion about what a parent rep is. They represent the pta and communication from that, not the school itself. No school would put all communication through a rep, it is just for fundraising etc not actual school run events. Eg the pta may run the fair or a film night but all comms about after school club would be direct, school trips would be direct.

Which is why you contact the head of the pta / Headteacher/ link governor not the class teacher.

But it is serious enough to involve them as this is awful homophobia.

I really don't understand why these meet ups need to be done. And also yanbu and I would just not bother going full stop and say why

Christ! How did she decide B fits better in with the Dad group? Have they labelled her a 'butch'?!!

Not surprised neither of them are going. I'm not sure I'd want to attend, either.

Also, this 'event' sounds really, REALLY shit! Who wants that, honestly?!!

It’s crazy that the class rep is willing to cater for silly, immature divorced parents who can’t even be in the same room as each other, but won’t cater for / be inclusive of two reasonably behaved lesbian mums.

So yes, it absolutely is homophobic.

Regardless of being homophobic and it most definitely is, don't assume all couples want to be split up when attending events. As mentioned before this behaviour should have died out with the withdrawing room era. DH & I wouldn't go to either.

Odd that you’re on MN, of all places, given how strongly you feel….

Why is that odd??

Having an opinion on separate events is relevant to the OP subject of discrimination & separation of events according to gender therefore relevant to mumsnet.

As a matter of interest, if it had been a child with two fathers in a relationship, would you approach it in the same way?

B has replied to my private WhatsApp message and this is not their first rodeo with class rep. Apparently they got on well with her until B invited her child over for a play date, the class rep accepted and arranged it but cancelled a few days beforehand after she realised A and B were both their child’s mums. She’d thought one was a nanny. Since then she and A have had lots of comments at drop off/pick up from class rep and the other mums she’s friendly with. Things like which one of them does their child call mum, are they raising their child to be gay, they’re so brave???, which one of them is the man in the relationship. They’ve also been asked if they deliberately picked a gay name for their DC. Their DC has an unusual, but perfectly “normal” name, they were baffled by that. A has left the WhatsApp group because she’s so angry she’s worried she’ll snap in there. B has stayed because they’re worried about their child missing out on birthday parties, play dates etc if both of them leave :(

B is not a “butch” lesbian. At all. She dresses less feminine than A, but no differently to a lot of straight mums. She has longer hair than A and wears more makeup and jewellery.

this sounds really awful
I think all the normal parents really need to show some solidarity here
by normal I am meaning not homophobic

After your last post I do think the school need to be aware of this situation as it will affect the class. Stick to the facts not feelings and try and avoid she said then she said.

Ugh. @fuckedoffandworried I’d move my son to a different school if I were them.

Sadly I get the sense from OP’s other posts that she is only one of a handful that care.

Really well done for calling this out OP

‘Are they raising their child to be gay?’ What? Sorry I don’t believe anyone would say that.

I can’t imagine anyone saying it either, but then I couldn’t have imagined anyone telling a mum to join the blokes night out until I saw it happen! After what I’ve seen I’m more inclined to believe B over the class rep. I’ve told B she needs to contact the head and she has a group of us supporting her and it’s such a shame it’s so few of us 😡