To think class rep is being homophobic?

[fuckedoffandworried]

DC has just started school. Another child in the class has two mums, I’ll call them A and B. We have a class rep who volunteered earlier in the term and collected contact numbers for the other class parents for a WhatsApp group, which is mostly the mums but a few dads too. A and B both do the school run, it’s probably A most days but B is there at least once a week. A and B are both in the WhatsApp group and both reply to messages pretty equally. The class rep is organising two social events and posted about them in the WhatsApp group last week. One for the mums and one for the dads. Most of the dads aren’t in the WhatsApp group, so the class rep asked in there for mums to send over contact numbers for their partners or kids dads so that the dads evening could be organised. A few of the kids in DCs class have divorced parents, so I think the idea is so both parents can be involved with other class parents. The class rep has made a separate WhatsApp group for the mums event and her DH has made one for the dads. They put A in the mums group for the mums event and B in the dads group for the dads event.

B asked if this was a mistake in the main WhatsApp group, and the class rep has come back saying that it’s not a mistake, it’s because she and some of the other mums have agreed it wouldn’t be fair for her and A to both come to the mums event. Most of the mums don’t know each other very well, and they want everyone to be in the same boat and mix with each other. They’re saying no bringing your partner to either the mums or the dads event, so A can’t bring B. The class rep has said she’s put A in the mums group and B in the dads group because she thought B would fit in better with the dads than A. A and B have both said they won’t be going.

AIBU to think this is homophobia and let the class teacher know?

I keep thinking about this thread, I'm so angry for A and B. I wonder what class rep would do if they both just turned up regardless and cracked on with chatting to the decent mums - she could hardly send B away without looking a complete dick in front of everyone.

Class rep is sticking to her guns, she was confronted about it today and said some of the mums who work full time and don’t do drop off and pick up are anxious about coming on their own when they won’t know anyone, so it wouldn’t be fair to let a couple come.

So how does she think banning B from the group is going to help those parents one iota? They still won't know anyone. By that token it's not fair to let parents who are, say, next door neighbours come, because they already knew each other beforehand.

It's also not the class reps' job to arrange events to accommodate separated parents who don't want to be with each other. Unless there are injunctions in place, there are going to be several occasions in their children's school lives when these issues arise - parent teacher evenings, sports, school plays and concerts etc. She should just leave individual parents to sort things out for themselves.

It clearly is homophobic. B is being excluded purely because she is gay. The school needs to know because this is unlawful behaviour which they cannot be seen to condone.

If you live in the UK, you live in a society where same sex couples exist, where there is legislation to protect them and where they have the same rights as everyone else. If you can't handle that, you need to grow the fuck up.

Can't agree here - suspect it is someone who finds themselves in a situation they don't know how to deal with properly and makes the wrong choice.

As I said in the PP I'd have contacted them to see what they wanted to do.

In all this chat about why she left the group has anyone been blunt? “She probably left because Class Rep has been openly homophobic and when challenged doubled down on her claims that A and B don’t deserve to both attend an event just because they’re gay. I can’t believe any of you are going along with this, it’s disgusting and I’m filing a formal complaint with the head.”

Sure, people can make the wrong choice. But when a number of other parents have pointed out that it's not just wrong but unlawful, and the people most directly involved are obviously upset, then the right approach is at least to have a rethink, not just dig in obstinately. I don't think it's particularly fair to dump the problem on A and B either, because they shouldn't have been put in this situation in the first place.

The justifications are ludicrous bullshit. The only explanation I can see is that the intent to make the same sex couple feel unwelcome came long before someone engineered this story that the mums who don't do drop off must at all costs be protected from anyone with prior knowledge of one another.

All that was needed, if indeed a separate mums and dads night is wanted, is notes to all, mums night 7pm, such a day and such a place, dads night 7pm, such a day, such a place. If the dads meet up and decide to form their own WhatsApp group and go axe throwing, let them get on with it.

This doesn’t make sense though. What are they going to do at school assemblies? Parent’s evenings? The school fete? It’s not the class rep’s business.

Why would you have contacted the mums? What would that message have looked like?

”Hi A&B- we are having 2 nights out, one for mums and one for dads. I know you are both women, and you are both mums, but since one of you doesn’t wear dresses so much I thought that she might be the de facto man in the relationship and therefor want to come to the dads group?”

Nope would have said we are doing this - do you both want to come to the Mum's one or split it. Either is fine.

Pretty simple and avoids offence

But why is it even a question? Would you have contacted all the straight couples and asked them if the women wanted to go to the dads group? Or would you have taken it as read that women are mums?

is it only lesbian couples where you think there is a question over whether they are a mum or a dad?

I would think you were pretty odd and probably dim if you asked me- a woman and a mum- if I want pretend to be a man/dad because I happen to be gay.

It's not that - it is still a minority situation and I would want to make sure everyone was comfortable

This hypersensitivity is unwarranted

I wouldn’t raise this with the teacher, poor teacher trying to deal with this. It’s a PTA situation and if it needs to go any further, then to the head. It’s so wrong on so many levels, but even having a separate mums and dads event is wrong and potentially problematic.

It's not that - it is still a minority situation and I would want to make sure everyone was comfortable

It’s only uncomfortable because the rep has created an uncomfortable situation. The reality is that by January they will be desperate for people to volunteer for anything, and micromanaging multiple school socials like this just creates more barriers to involvement. The people who get involved will do so because they are available and have the inclination, regardless of their sex. The rep’s job is communication and getting volunteers, not girl’s nights and boy’s nights. Just organise one thing and let people sort out their own personal lives.

You aren’t sure that women will be ‘comfortable’ in a group of other women, because the women in question are gay?

You are massively overthinking this. There is no reason a&b would be more comfortable in a dads group because they are gay. We aren’t a weird other breed, we are just totally normal mums.

The fact that you would have to ask gay women whether they want to be mums or dads is just ridiculous.

Good for A.

I would also leave the group and say I won't be part of a group that is homophobic. I would hope others do the same.

You did the right thing challenging this. If they are unwilling to listen and act then I think they leave you no other choice than to vote with your feet.

I would also report it to the head and governors. By not acting they are enabling homophobia.

Discriminating against someone because of their sexuality is illegal. Harsh as it might seem to some, there is no such protection for mums who feel anxious about couples being at an event.

@ManAboutTown

Lots wrong with this. Both parents should have been spoken with in the first instance and asked what they wanted to do. B may not want to go out with a load of blokes. A may or may not have too. Bit bad really

It's completely unacceptable and the class rep is coming across as homophobic.

The parents who don't want to get involved should also be ashamed of themselves.

Exactly - I don't really care one way or the other - if two gay Dads show up to a night I wouldn't give a flying fuck as long as they bought their round. It just seems to me someone has made an inadvertent mistake here and could have dealt with the situation more sensitively

That is all

The "inadvertent mistake" was pointed out and the Rep has doubled down.

So it's no longer a mistake (if it ever was), it's deliberately exclusionary.

Unbelievable that the class rep did this. And why two events for "mothers" and "fathers" anyway? If she had simply invited everyone its pretty likely that only one partner would have come anyway due to babysitting.
Experience at our local primary school has shown that, whilst parents evenings and official events are well attended, these unofficial events are not.

Not just coming across as homophobic, this IS homophobic.

"Not just coming across as homophobic, this IS homophobic."

Agree with this.