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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think class rep is being homophobic?

675 replies

fuckedoffandworried · 02/11/2023 18:18

DC has just started school. Another child in the class has two mums, I’ll call them A and B. We have a class rep who volunteered earlier in the term and collected contact numbers for the other class parents for a WhatsApp group, which is mostly the mums but a few dads too. A and B both do the school run, it’s probably A most days but B is there at least once a week. A and B are both in the WhatsApp group and both reply to messages pretty equally. The class rep is organising two social events and posted about them in the WhatsApp group last week. One for the mums and one for the dads. Most of the dads aren’t in the WhatsApp group, so the class rep asked in there for mums to send over contact numbers for their partners or kids dads so that the dads evening could be organised. A few of the kids in DCs class have divorced parents, so I think the idea is so both parents can be involved with other class parents. The class rep has made a separate WhatsApp group for the mums event and her DH has made one for the dads. They put A in the mums group for the mums event and B in the dads group for the dads event.

B asked if this was a mistake in the main WhatsApp group, and the class rep has come back saying that it’s not a mistake, it’s because she and some of the other mums have agreed it wouldn’t be fair for her and A to both come to the mums event. Most of the mums don’t know each other very well, and they want everyone to be in the same boat and mix with each other. They’re saying no bringing your partner to either the mums or the dads event, so A can’t bring B. The class rep has said she’s put A in the mums group and B in the dads group because she thought B would fit in better with the dads than A. A and B have both said they won’t be going.

AIBU to think this is homophobia and let the class teacher know?

OP posts:
pumpykins · 04/11/2023 07:54

Omg 😳

pumpykins · 04/11/2023 08:01

The class rep is a massive dick

csn you start a separate social event?

Halllooo · 04/11/2023 08:01

‘Yeah badly judged by the rep who should have asked separately which group they’d like to be in… it’s an awkward one but badly dealt with.’

why? NO mum is going to go - I’ll go with the dads. Which one should she have asked?? Does one wear jeans more than the other ? Have shorter hair? ? FFS.

belgiumchocolates · 04/11/2023 08:02

I cant believe the behaviour of this class rep, homophobic, sexist, judgemental. I'd leave the whatsapp group and wouldn't be going to the event. I hope the other parents show support for A &B but I don't think there's a way back from this. The hurt can't be undone.
My friend's daughter married another woman and one person asked her which one of them would be 'playing the groom' and wearing a suit. She replied neither, we are both brides and will both be wearing wedding dresses. The ignorance of some people.

Merrymouse · 04/11/2023 08:06

I’m really confused - how would the class rep deal with a single Dad? A mum who doesn’t do pick ups? Are you living in Stepford?

Vixetar · 04/11/2023 08:19

What message is this sending out to the child as well when one mummy is invited to the event but their other mummy isn’t? This is clearly discrimination, as well as homophobic and cruel.
You are 100% right to challenge this disgusting behaviour behaviour, well done OP

CookieWarbler · 04/11/2023 08:20

I'm a school governor and given these ridiculous groups have been encouraged and sanctioned by the school they have to take responsibility for it. I would suggest you make a formal complaint which will have to be looked into and recorded.

HowToSaveAWife · 04/11/2023 08:31

Given your update OP, I wouldn't rule out that B is being singled out for more than just her sexuality. This is a matter for the school to handle now. Class rep is in for a world of shit.

Merrymouse · 04/11/2023 08:32

I think the whole thing sounds more bonkers than phobic.

Being a class rep can be a pretty thankless task (when I was one each class had an unlimited number - so in practice 2 or 3 - but it was fairly common to organise a social event that only 2 other people attended). I therefore have sympathy with anyone prepared to do the job. However has this person met other people?

I think that in practice plenty of men and women would run a mile from a ‘mums’ or ‘dads’ social, and if interested in attending social events for parents, don’t need the class rep to sort out their co parenting issues.

Vixetar · 04/11/2023 08:34

Yes wouldn’t it be wonderful to live in a world where there was no hate, bigotry, war, famine, disease etc etc. But we don’t.
Comparing discrimination against suffering of war is ridiculous, and doesn’t excuse discriminatory behaviour.
No one is comparing the two but to effectively dismiss it on the basis that there are bigger things happening in the world is completely crazy

calyrex · 04/11/2023 08:37

JohnnysMama · 04/11/2023 01:25

First world problems. Who’s offended, who’s a bigot, misgendering, while in some other parts of the world people are living in difficult conditions and fighting for survival, food, escaping wars. In some places women are really having a sh.. lives. We should grow up and stop being so easily offended. People nowadays say they feel “unsafe” on a college campus because someone misgendered them. While someone in Ukraine, Palestine, Israel is saying they feel unsafe because rockets are flying over their heads, they don’t know if they will make it to the next day. Just a perspective.

So no one can feel upset about anything because other people have it worse. Or is it just homophobia that people should put up with?

Merrymouse · 04/11/2023 08:39

Class rep is sticking to her guns, she was confronted about it today and said some of the mums who work full time and don’t do drop off and pick up are anxious about coming on their own when they won’t know anyone, so it wouldn’t be fair to let a couple come.

Proper bonkers.

They are much more likely to feel intimidated by the mums who already know each other.

Longma · 04/11/2023 08:45

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines. at the request of it's author.

Rosejasmine · 04/11/2023 08:46

CookieWarbler · 04/11/2023 08:20

I'm a school governor and given these ridiculous groups have been encouraged and sanctioned by the school they have to take responsibility for it. I would suggest you make a formal complaint which will have to be looked into and recorded.

This. It needs to be dealt with formally and recorded. I would also leave the group and let others know that’s the right thing to do. Who would want to be part of that?
A huge formal apology is due to the mums. I hope they launch a formal complaint themselves and that they know they have support from other parents.

ManAboutTown · 04/11/2023 08:54

I don't know whether it is homophobic but it's stupid and insensitive. The right thing to do in my view is contact A and B on the side and say this is what's happening how do you want it to work?

I see nothing wrong whatsoever in having both A and B to the mother's event or maybe one or other prefers to drink beer with a load of blokes watching football.

Never had this come up when my kids were at school although FWIW there were a couple of stay at home Dads who didn't get invited to daytime stuff

Longma · 04/11/2023 08:55

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Maatandosiris · 04/11/2023 08:57

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So surely they can also cope with mixed sex. The main mistake here is having a mums group snd a dads group. Why is that needed?

Notonthestairs · 04/11/2023 08:59

"So surely they can also cope with mixed sex. The main mistake here is having a mums group snd a dads group. Why is that needed?"

From the Op - "A few of the kids in DCs class have divorced parents, so I think the idea is so both parents can be involved with other class parents."

Ivegone · 04/11/2023 09:00

JohnnysMama · 04/11/2023 01:25

First world problems. Who’s offended, who’s a bigot, misgendering, while in some other parts of the world people are living in difficult conditions and fighting for survival, food, escaping wars. In some places women are really having a sh.. lives. We should grow up and stop being so easily offended. People nowadays say they feel “unsafe” on a college campus because someone misgendered them. While someone in Ukraine, Palestine, Israel is saying they feel unsafe because rockets are flying over their heads, they don’t know if they will make it to the next day. Just a perspective.

Right, so because things are worse in other places no one should want things to be better here?

Where do we draw the line on this race to the bottom?

Longma · 04/11/2023 09:30

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines. at the request of it's author.

ManAboutTown · 04/11/2023 09:38

End of school year stuff was always mixed. Never saw a problem with separated couples and even seen people bring new partners along while the ex was present.

Casual stuff during the school year was sometimes the mums and separate for the dads. Was ok although I liked some of the mums better than their husbands / partners

Millyonthehill · 04/11/2023 09:48

I’d tell the head. Remember unless classes are mixed around a lot, you will be spending several years with the same parent group !

belgiumchocolates · 04/11/2023 09:52

A & B may also report it to the head themselves. I hope they do. I think its really serious and don't agree with posters who think it's not a big deal. The 2 mums have been cruelly humiliated and discriminated against on the whatsapp group. Absolutely mind boggling

Conkersinautumn · 04/11/2023 10:14

A is not "bringing" B wtaf did i just read? They are both mum to a child in the class. However you look at it B is being treated appallingly here. It's huge homophones as they're saying her gayness removes her sex, dehumanising her. Trying to divide groups like this is ridiculous. They're ALL parents to children at the school. Insisting on one night seems seriously extra of them, it's not as though they need to bond for the school to function. Having two nights is actually crackers, who the fuck are these parents who can't attend an event where some individuals might know others? That parents haven't just left this group surprises me. The ones left are all tarred with the same brush.

ManAboutTown · 04/11/2023 10:16

Conkersinautumn · 04/11/2023 10:14

A is not "bringing" B wtaf did i just read? They are both mum to a child in the class. However you look at it B is being treated appallingly here. It's huge homophones as they're saying her gayness removes her sex, dehumanising her. Trying to divide groups like this is ridiculous. They're ALL parents to children at the school. Insisting on one night seems seriously extra of them, it's not as though they need to bond for the school to function. Having two nights is actually crackers, who the fuck are these parents who can't attend an event where some individuals might know others? That parents haven't just left this group surprises me. The ones left are all tarred with the same brush.

Homophones are words that sound the same like "pair" and "pear"