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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think class rep is being homophobic?

675 replies

fuckedoffandworried · 02/11/2023 18:18

DC has just started school. Another child in the class has two mums, I’ll call them A and B. We have a class rep who volunteered earlier in the term and collected contact numbers for the other class parents for a WhatsApp group, which is mostly the mums but a few dads too. A and B both do the school run, it’s probably A most days but B is there at least once a week. A and B are both in the WhatsApp group and both reply to messages pretty equally. The class rep is organising two social events and posted about them in the WhatsApp group last week. One for the mums and one for the dads. Most of the dads aren’t in the WhatsApp group, so the class rep asked in there for mums to send over contact numbers for their partners or kids dads so that the dads evening could be organised. A few of the kids in DCs class have divorced parents, so I think the idea is so both parents can be involved with other class parents. The class rep has made a separate WhatsApp group for the mums event and her DH has made one for the dads. They put A in the mums group for the mums event and B in the dads group for the dads event.

B asked if this was a mistake in the main WhatsApp group, and the class rep has come back saying that it’s not a mistake, it’s because she and some of the other mums have agreed it wouldn’t be fair for her and A to both come to the mums event. Most of the mums don’t know each other very well, and they want everyone to be in the same boat and mix with each other. They’re saying no bringing your partner to either the mums or the dads event, so A can’t bring B. The class rep has said she’s put A in the mums group and B in the dads group because she thought B would fit in better with the dads than A. A and B have both said they won’t be going.

AIBU to think this is homophobia and let the class teacher know?

OP posts:
KingsleyBorder · 03/11/2023 19:35

I’d love to know what the stereotypical gender-based activities are. Rugby match and nail salon?

saffronsoup · 03/11/2023 19:36

calyrex · 03/11/2023 19:34

She didn't say one partner in each group. She decided that one partner was the mum and that the other would be better off with the dads, even though they're both clearly mums.

Unintentional (if it was) homophobia is still homophobia.

Show quote history

"They’re saying no bringing your partner to either the mums or the dads event, so A can’t bring B."

drspouse · 03/11/2023 19:38

What would they do with a child who lived with grandma and mum?

CadhlaWren · 03/11/2023 19:40

Ofcourse it’s homophobic. The updates are even worse. I think you have to be clear that you won’t attend because of it.

calyrex · 03/11/2023 19:41

saffronsoup · 03/11/2023 19:36

"They’re saying no bringing your partner to either the mums or the dads event, so A can’t bring B."

Show quote history

Yes, and she unilaterally decided that A gets to go to the mums group and B "would fit in better with the dads", even though she's not a father.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 03/11/2023 19:45

It’s stupid and you should call it out. However - please don’t bother the class teacher with it! What on Earth do you expect the teacher to do? They’ve got enough on their plate.

littleburn · 03/11/2023 19:45

So there's a mums' group and a dads' group and they're both mums ... before you even get to the homophobia of it, it doesn't make any logical sense to put a mum in the dad group!

Brefugee · 03/11/2023 19:47

saffronsoup · 03/11/2023 19:34

How do you know it is homophobic? Where do you see a fear or dislike of them being gay - how do you know that it was negative and prejudiced feelings that drove their decision? There is no mention of their views or beliefs or feeligns about gay people. There is only a description of their decision making. How do you know that if another mom and dad couldn't make it on their assigned days that they wouldn't let them switch groups - rather than them coming together?

Show quote history

people have to stop thinking that saying "homophobic means you'Re scared of gay people" it is tedious and disingenuous.

Are the straight women being treated like this? no. It's homophobic.

It's quite concerning how many of you are so keen not to label it as such, tbh.

Newsername1 · 03/11/2023 19:57

Toomuchtrouble4me · 03/11/2023 19:45

It’s stupid and you should call it out. However - please don’t bother the class teacher with it! What on Earth do you expect the teacher to do? They’ve got enough on their plate.

Sorry but, if schools are going to appoint people as ‘Class Representatives’ then, if that person starts behaving in a discriminatory matter, the school has a duty to deal with it.

But yes, it is a matter for the Head, not the teacher, although it wouldn’t be inappropriate to inform the teacher so that they can run it up the chain.

Backtomyoldname · 03/11/2023 20:04

Homophobic. Or if not it will come across as such. At the very least divisive, insulting and upsetting.

Not the class teachers problem to sort out but it is the schools.

You might have got away with this years ago but not now.

The further explanations...... Well - if you are in a hole stop digging.

My advice to A+B (who could be either of my daughters and their respective partners)

Go to which you like - or not.

Sod the targeted invites.
Complain/grumble loudly, whilst keeping dignity.
Stand to be rep next year.

hope we find out what happens......

Namechangeforthis88 · 03/11/2023 20:07

I can't help thinking of the same sex parents from my son's primary, and how hurt they would be to be treated like this. I would be absolutely furious on their behalf. At least the op and others have stood up for them, and for the principle.

SoTired12 · 03/11/2023 20:20

I really can't believe this is about a group of adults, ffs 😭

You sound like a group of children, "should we tell Miss?" "So and so said this" "what should we do"

It's a unnecessary school group, if you don't agree with something a person has said then tell them and move on with your life. I really can't imagine being so hung up on absolute bollocks like this.

HowToSaveAWife · 03/11/2023 20:25

It is so fucking early in the year for this nonsense. Tbh OP I wouldn't be going to either social, I wouldn't want to mix with idiots like that or want my child being friends with their kids.

But if I did go... I'd go with the dad's group, just to screw with class rep and then tell her well I don't identify as a dense, simple-minded homophobic asshole so thought I'd be better suited to the dads' night. HTH.

dutysuite · 03/11/2023 20:29

I'd let the people involved sort it out.

sttf01 · 03/11/2023 20:30

I really don’t comment on many posts on Mumsnet, but this is really really freaking poor behaviour from the class rep and homophobic. Please speak to the person who made this error. They might be a bit thick and thought they were doing the right thing, but just support parent B in getting the right outcome

VioletMountainHare · 03/11/2023 20:32

fuckedoffandworried · 03/11/2023 15:48

A and B did the school run together this morning, which I don’t think they’ve done since the first day. They showed up at the last minute and kind of kept to themselves, left very quickly as soon as the kids went in. A came on her own for pickup and was very frosty with the other mums. B has read my message I sent her privately on WhatsApp but hasn’t replied.

It was talked about a bit after A and B left this morning. There are four of us who have spoken out about it and how wrong we think it is, one of the other mums did use the word homophobia. Class rep is sticking to her guns, she was confronted about it today and said some of the mums who work full time and don’t do drop off and pick up are anxious about coming on their own when they won’t know anyone, so it wouldn’t be fair to let a couple come. I can’t remember exactly how she said it, but she said something about B being more than capable of looking after herself in with the men that I didn’t like. Like she was implying because she’s a lesbian she’s “rougher” than most women, or one of the blokes or something. B is the last person I would describe as a butch lesbian or whatever stereotype she’s playing on there.

A couple of mums the class rep is friendly with are siding with her, everyone else is saying they don’t want to get involved and they’re looking forward to the social event.

I’m not surprised she’s frosty. Everyone not taking a stance is siding with the rep. No wonder we have to deal with these issues in school when parents can’t show integrity themselves.

Perimeni · 03/11/2023 20:32

for gods sake, they should just go to whichever event they want. No need to report it to school. Surely one of you could have a word with the class reps

RubySunset82 · 03/11/2023 20:34

This is such a Motherland sketch, it can’t be for real?! If it is then the Class Rep needs calling out BIG time, if not I’d be boycotting the event with your 4 mates and having A&B come out with you 4!! 6 friends is more than enough!

RubySunset82 · 03/11/2023 20:35

@Perimeni have you RTFT? They’ve tried talking to the class rep. Duh!

Commonwasher · 03/11/2023 20:38

smacks head against wall

What is wrong with people…???!!!

OMG couldn’t believe what I was reading. How outrageous! It’s not the class teacher’s role to police the parents’ Whatsapp but you can screen shot it and refer it to the governors and flag it up as something which goes on under the umbrella of the school and is likely to be contrary to their equal opps/diversity policy. This couple might have already — I would if I were them.

Its blatant discrimination to deny access to the two mums to the mums dinner/event, just because there happens to be two of them. It’s also wildly inappropriate for the class reps to decide which of the mums in this couple ‘fits’ better with the dads.

I think you will just have to call this out as politely as you can on the group chat by pointing out that you appreciate all the efforts of the reps to organise the events, but you want to clarify that the couple comprising 2 mums must obviously both be invited to the mums’ event, as you are all grown adults perfectly capable of mixing/circulating and of course nobody would want any mums to feel excluded — the more the merrier etc etc. And then hopefully others will follow suit. I would also message both mums to apologise for the awful way they have been treated and invite them over for a drink outside the class bunfight.

pineapplecrushed · 03/11/2023 20:38

I don't know if homophobic, but a shitty thing to do.

KingsleyBorder · 03/11/2023 20:42

I guess the point of a social is to get to know people better and work out who you want to form lasting friendships with. Anyone who attends either event now has, in one fell swoop, proven that they are not someone that A or B would ever want to get to know. Job done.

And those of you who took a stand can have a lovely night out with A and B.

Newsername1 · 03/11/2023 20:44

SoTired12 · 03/11/2023 20:20

I really can't believe this is about a group of adults, ffs 😭

You sound like a group of children, "should we tell Miss?" "So and so said this" "what should we do"

It's a unnecessary school group, if you don't agree with something a person has said then tell them and move on with your life. I really can't imagine being so hung up on absolute bollocks like this.

The person engaging in homophobic behaviour is a Class Rep, appointed by the school. You think the parents, including those on the receiving end of this discrimination, should suck it up and shut up?

Cant believe people have views like yours in 2023…

Voteva · 03/11/2023 20:47

YANBU to think that’s awful. The class rep is a power-trippy bitch.

YABVU if you run crying to the teacher. It is not their job to sort out arguments between parents! Do NOT bother the teacher with this crap.

What you should do is discuss this privately with as many mums as you can and then, as a group, tell the class rep that you will all be boycotting her event and having a different mums get together instead, unless she invites both A&B to the mums get together and recognises thst both A&B are mums and treats them as part of all mums get togethers going forward.

Voteva · 03/11/2023 20:49

Newsername1 · 03/11/2023 20:44

The person engaging in homophobic behaviour is a Class Rep, appointed by the school. You think the parents, including those on the receiving end of this discrimination, should suck it up and shut up?

Cant believe people have views like yours in 2023…

Show quote history

Class reps aren’t “appointed by the school” 😂😂😂

In reception the school usually suggests that the parents might like to form a wattsapp group and asks that someone acts as a class rep so that the school can deal with one person instead of getting multiple messages. It isn’t a school appointment just some random parent stepping up to be the voice of the group.