To think class rep is being homophobic?

[fuckedoffandworried]

DC has just started school. Another child in the class has two mums, I’ll call them A and B. We have a class rep who volunteered earlier in the term and collected contact numbers for the other class parents for a WhatsApp group, which is mostly the mums but a few dads too. A and B both do the school run, it’s probably A most days but B is there at least once a week. A and B are both in the WhatsApp group and both reply to messages pretty equally. The class rep is organising two social events and posted about them in the WhatsApp group last week. One for the mums and one for the dads. Most of the dads aren’t in the WhatsApp group, so the class rep asked in there for mums to send over contact numbers for their partners or kids dads so that the dads evening could be organised. A few of the kids in DCs class have divorced parents, so I think the idea is so both parents can be involved with other class parents. The class rep has made a separate WhatsApp group for the mums event and her DH has made one for the dads. They put A in the mums group for the mums event and B in the dads group for the dads event.

B asked if this was a mistake in the main WhatsApp group, and the class rep has come back saying that it’s not a mistake, it’s because she and some of the other mums have agreed it wouldn’t be fair for her and A to both come to the mums event. Most of the mums don’t know each other very well, and they want everyone to be in the same boat and mix with each other. They’re saying no bringing your partner to either the mums or the dads event, so A can’t bring B. The class rep has said she’s put A in the mums group and B in the dads group because she thought B would fit in better with the dads than A. A and B have both said they won’t be going.

AIBU to think this is homophobia and let the class teacher know?

Oh my gosh, yanbu.
My jaw dropped when I read they grouped one of the mums with all the dads, it does seem very odd & I think could be seen as homophobic.
What a shame that something which could have been a fun and positive way of getting to know each other is now tainted by the organiser.

in your shoes? I'd be saying I'm not going either in solidarity with A & B - and maybe ask if anyone wants to do an alternative less homophobic event.

(what would happen if there were 2 dads?)

I think the whole idea of the event is sexist but no, I don't see it as a phobic issue. I think it is poor logistics and planning rather than a decision made from a fear or dislike of gay people.

Their rational is to split up all couples with one partner in one group and one partner in the other. I don't see that as homophobic thinking.

The whole mum and dad groups are outdated. What happens with the children who are brought up by their grandparents, other family members or even foster parents. And some kids just have contact with the one parent. It's not fair on these children.

i go to a mums and tots group where there's a few dads that take their kids.

if the idea of not bringing partners is so the mums who don't know anyone (this includes A and B according to OPs posts) aren't made uncomfortable - how the fuck is putting one lesbian woman in with a load of men she doesn't know not going to make HER uncomfortable?

In German schools the class rep is voted on. And a rep like this, IME, would be out of that job quicker than anyone could put a message in the class group.

Wow! Two Mums means just that, so both should be in the Mums group. Appalled that anyone could think otherwise!

It is homophobic though because the couple are being discriminated against in the way the’re being treated (forced to perform this awful class rep’s idea of heterosexuality in the way they model their relationship in order to be accepted) for no other reason than because they’re in a same sex relationship. Just because it might be done unconsciously of as a result of a bias the perpetrator can’t/won’t recognize, doesn’t make it less true.

In the same way you’re not shy to name the awful sexism and misogyny of the class rep, you don’t need to be shy to name the homophobic aspects either.

OP is there a form of PTA or governors board this could be raised at? not in time for the event obvs but to set the precedent for the future that this is unacceptable without making it the teacher’s problem?

It absolutely would likely make her uncomfortable. But making someone uncomfortable unintentionally doesn't mean you are homophobic. Their logic and planning was deeply flawed and the whole event sounds like a mess but I don't hear anything in the post that indicates a fear or dislike of them due to the fact they are gay. It could be seen as unintentional discriminatory but I still don't see anything homophobic. Their misguided intent seems to be to ensure that everyone meets new people and that there are no partners together. They seem to have applied this to everyone.

What the rep has done is very insensitive and totally unnecessary but who knows if her intention was to be homophobic, she might just be completely clueless.

I would point out that it’s inappropriate to tell a mum she can only go to the dads meeting. I would suggest that the whole idea of splitting the nights by gender is outdated. Have 2 events to accommodate parents that don’t want to go together but also if a couple do want to go together they should be allowed. Many people find social events awkward and would not feel comfortable going alone.

If she won’t backdown on at least letting both mums attend the mums night I would say I also won’t be going and would let the school know so they can speak to her. To be honest it doesn’t seem like she’s the best person for the job if she can’t see anything wrong in how she’s treating these women.

she is treating the one gay couple differently than all the others. Because they are gay
it's homophobic

What's the class teacher to do with it if it's what sounds like parents organising a night out?
Also the other mums aren't inviting their partners by the sounds, they're in the other group?
Which is where your partner is too, as the other parents are.
I'm betting that was their thinking.

We can agree to disagree. In one way she is actually treating them the same - one partner in each group. No one can bring a partner to the event.

Where do you see the basis for her decision to be based on a fear or dislike or deeply prejudiced belief against gay people?

Just because they are gay - it doesn't mean a poor decision is automatically homophobic.

Wow, I can’t believe that some people in the group are willing to still go and exclude one of the mums. Weird how she’s obsessed with saying that some people won’t know anyone and so she’s split the couple up, yet doesn’t see an issue that she already knows her friend who is part of the group.
Could you organise something separately that includes everyone?

As a teacher, I would be really annoyed if you brought this to my attention. It’s outside of my remit as a class teacher - yes, it’s a parents WhatsApp group but the event in particular is for a social event. Wtf would you want me to do? As if I don’t have enough on my plate without dealing with stuff like this. Address it yourself if you feel like you should but please don’t bother an already overworked, overwhelmed and stressed out teacher with it.

Exactly!

@saffronsoup
We can agree to disagree. In one way she is actually treating them the same - one partner in each group. No one can bring a partner to the event
Yes, that's how I see it too

A and B should both just go to the mums group. Fuck em I say. They aren’t going to manhandle her out the door.

One partner in each group would only be acceptable if it wasn’t split along gender lines, eg if they had some mums and some dads in each group. As it is ‘mums’ and ‘dads’, and one of the mums has been unwillingly designated a ‘dad’, it is homophobic.

This is terrible. I wouldn’t be attending this event unless this situation is resolved. Of course a and b should both be invited. I can’t believe this sort of thing happens. I don’t see why the other parents are not standing up for them and challenging this behaviour. You are a group of adults…

Well done you and the other parents who have challenged it. Hopefully both A and B will feel supported by you even if they’re not ready to talk about it yet.

Sorry just read update that a few of you have challenged.

How do you know it is homophobic? Where do you see a fear or dislike of them being gay - how do you know that it was negative and prejudiced feelings that drove their decision? There is no mention of their views or beliefs or feeligns about gay people. There is only a description of their decision making. How do you know that if another mom and dad couldn't make it on their assigned days that they wouldn't let them switch groups - rather than them coming together?

She didn't say one partner in each group. She decided that one partner was the mum and that the other would be better off with the dads, even though they're both clearly mums.

Unintentional (if it was) homophobia is still homophobia.

For many people getting a babysitter is a pain if both parents go out in the same night. So having separate events is a benefit to them.

so my suggestion would be to have two events and say only one half of each couple can come to either, and that solves the babysitting problem and the nervous single parent problem and the homophobia problem.

This whole situation is infuriating. You'd hope that in 2023 this sort of thing wouldn't go on. It has really struck a nerve as me and my wife have recently had a baby and the thought that this level of bigotry still goes on in school is disgusting. Some pp asking who is the real mum? Seriously? In our situation we are both mum's as I'm sure are the two women in OPs post, I carried the pregnancy using my wife's egg. Our very much wanted daughter is born into a loving family with two parents who love her. The thought that someone would not consider putting one of us in the "mum's" group is awful, We're both mum's, the women in the OP are both mum's.

Are you one of those people who think that unless someone goes around beating up gay people they can't be homophobic?