To think class rep is being homophobic?

[fuckedoffandworried]

DC has just started school. Another child in the class has two mums, I’ll call them A and B. We have a class rep who volunteered earlier in the term and collected contact numbers for the other class parents for a WhatsApp group, which is mostly the mums but a few dads too. A and B both do the school run, it’s probably A most days but B is there at least once a week. A and B are both in the WhatsApp group and both reply to messages pretty equally. The class rep is organising two social events and posted about them in the WhatsApp group last week. One for the mums and one for the dads. Most of the dads aren’t in the WhatsApp group, so the class rep asked in there for mums to send over contact numbers for their partners or kids dads so that the dads evening could be organised. A few of the kids in DCs class have divorced parents, so I think the idea is so both parents can be involved with other class parents. The class rep has made a separate WhatsApp group for the mums event and her DH has made one for the dads. They put A in the mums group for the mums event and B in the dads group for the dads event.

B asked if this was a mistake in the main WhatsApp group, and the class rep has come back saying that it’s not a mistake, it’s because she and some of the other mums have agreed it wouldn’t be fair for her and A to both come to the mums event. Most of the mums don’t know each other very well, and they want everyone to be in the same boat and mix with each other. They’re saying no bringing your partner to either the mums or the dads event, so A can’t bring B. The class rep has said she’s put A in the mums group and B in the dads group because she thought B would fit in better with the dads than A. A and B have both said they won’t be going.

AIBU to think this is homophobia and let the class teacher know?

It’s because school mum groups basically replicate what went on in the school yard.

How can that justify forcing B into the dads' group? She's neither a man nor a father.

The whole thing sounds hideous. So glad we don't have a class whatsapp group!

On this I think people need to stand up and be counted. Refuse to have anything further to do with this group or this social and explain why. Encourage other parents to do likewise. Then set up your own group that is more inclusive.

If the "class rep" has that role through the school then you need to tell the school. Otherwise I wouldn't bother them, just sort it out between the other parents.

I agree with the post so perhaps you'd like to sign me up for therapy too lovey! Not wanting to be in the company of other women is by no means 'internalised misogyny', it's simply a matter of preference. Nothing but nothing is worse than bitchy females en masse, having taught in mixed, all girls and all boys schools I certainly know which was easiest!

I think you've missed the fact that the teacher appointed the class rep in the first place. If you do that, you have take some responsibility when the rep fucks up.

The school organised the school rep thing and gave them guidance on what to do/how to do it… so the school involved themselves really.

You can't go to the class teacher about this, or the school. You're adults organising your own social event, admittedly with a bat shit crazy organiser. Someone needs to tell the class rep she's wrong. B should just go to the mum's event, it's a free country, but she'd feel better with some support from others parents. The rep sounds awful, like a power hungry homophobic mean girl, and no good can come from indulging her. I don't think I'd have any qualms about telling her she's wrong in the WhatsApp group and inviting B along to the mum's meet up. But I've nearly got all mine through primary school and I have no more time for this sort of shit and no longer care what anyone thinks of me. Just be that person, others will definitely agree once one person speaks up, as the rep is so very clearly wrong.

Bit of a weird feminist denigrating women/mothers like this...you are one of them so if the groups are awful it's your fault too.

I agree that’s why I said they should be given the choice of who attends- the point being not to have couples.

But ideally it should just be a parents group. Then everyone could take partners- problem solved!

I used to hate this shit expectation of mums grouping together v men grouping together. The dads in primary were infinitely more fun and sociable than the women in the groups. The mums groups tended to be avoided by anyone who wanted a conversation beyond what happened in their own school time. Personally I’d be so happy to be B in this situation!

But basically you’re stuck with people with whom you share the common life experience of having a baby within a year of each other. If you’re lucky you occasionally find someone of a bit more interest. But the odds are stacked against it.,

Ha, I tried to avoid these groups as soon as I spotted the dynamic. I had no interest in being 15 again,

Most women aren’t feminists.

Oh sorry, I've just read your posts and seen that the rep has been challenged, so that's fair enough. I think as the class teacher appointed the rep I do think it's fair for to let them know what's gone on. You don't really want this woman to be the rep anymore, so if enough parents complain about her, her position isn't really tenable. You can still use the WhatsApp group to organise an alternative social event that both A&B are welcome to, and the rep can either come, or not, but she doesn't get to be the organiser. If she kicks off and boots you out of the group, start another group. What the school then wants to do about a new rep is up to them, but quite why they decided to get involved with this is anyone's guess!

Think I would do this, I wouldn't be able to go along with it.

Absolutely awful behaviour. They should not be the class rep if they can't behave properly.

My greatest respect is with all Teachers. I agree with you to a certain extent. I have Teachers in my family so I also understand your feelings. Regarding the OP whatsAp group. I believe it was the class Teacher who suggested it. This group are by default representing parents belonging to the school and therefore capable of bringing the school into disrepute with their behaviour. A school cannot be responsible for parents behaviour in general although by suggesting a school related whatsapp group there needs to be accountability as to what they are promoting. In this particular instance I believe the Head Teacher should intervene by informing the WhatsAp group discriminatory behaviour of any description will not be tolerated from pupils or parents directly involved with school clubs or associated groups. Those are my thoughts in full appreciation not everyone will agree.

I don’t think you can ask the teacher to sort out the night out issue. However if you think the rep is not the right person to be rep, you can speak to the teacher about that (given teachers appoint the reps), and explain why.

@Maatandosiris So you're a "femanist", eh.

Jolly good.

So I think it's already been established that putting B in with the dads is homophobic. Totally agree, and have lived experience of being asked which of us is 'the man'? because we are both feminine.
I spotted that mums' partners or kid's dads were being invited to the 'dads event'. What happens if you get a mum & dad who are both remarried and all four parents get on great etc. Are the step-parents excluded? Chances are you've got some children where dad & step-dad/ mum & step-mum would both like to go along. It all sounds like a right mess.

A fine example of what happens when segregation is the order of the day as in this schools whatsAp events group.

I’m really surprised to see teachers on here say that, if they appointed a parent as a class rep, and that parent engaged in persistent homophobic abuse, they would be annoyed if someone brought it to their attention.

I do agree that the Head is more appropriate but if someone has any sort of role with or concerning a school, even a volunteer position, then the school needs to set some basic level of standards and reconsider positions as needed.

And it also seems that her brand of feminism only extends to straight women.

It does seem that MN feminism is for straight white women only.

Don't contact the teacher, contact the head teacher. If the school have asked for this role to be set up then they should moderate and manage issues like this at senior leadership level.

I have to say I would be poking the bear and openly challenging the views. Or I'd be setting up my own WhatsApp and social for all the like minded parents in the class!

There's no place for discrimination and we should always challenge it if safe to do so.

It’s probable that the class rep only decided to have two events because it had been evident that one parent was always needed to stay behind to babysit. Then, from that thought she split the two events into one for mums and one for dads.
Except of course the world isn’t like that any more.
So maybe her intent wasn’t to be homophobic but the result of her ignorance certainly is. I just can’t imagine her thought process at the point she assigned one of the two mums to the dads group.
And then having direct feedback that this couple were hurt and offended should have been the trigger to immediately think again and genuinely apologise. And learn from her mistake, never to repeat it again. Instead she dug her heels in. A double whammy.

If enough parents object, protest and boycott the two events she will be forced to resign her position of class rep, then somebody less ignorant and more diplomatic will have to step up.
Who would want the job of smoothing this over ?

A class teacher won't have chosen to appoint somonr though - they'll have been told to by senior leadership. I wouldn't be annoyed by someone bringing this to my attention but I would be passing it on to the correct person to deal with it, which is the head. The woman has already been called out anddoubled down so I doubt very much she'd listen to a class teacher anyway.

I do think the whole class rep thing is nonsense though. I don't understand it's purpose at all. School should communicate with all parents who should take responsibility for themselves - it works perfectly well in most schools.

Why? What makes you think that??? Point to one thing I’ve said that can reasonably lead you to that conclusion. This thread is exactly why groups of school mums are usually awful. Groups of women, so desperate to fit in. A couple of women provide a narrative, everyone else joins in without considering other perspectives.

At the start of the school there’s usually a couple of groups that form trying to get power by amassing the followers .

i feel incredibly sorry for the couple in question here they’ve been caught in the middle of two groups using them in order to be top dog. The chances of this actually, deep down being about this couples feelings are extremely low. If it wasn’t this they’d be some other reason for the OP to gather her group. It’s a pathetic replay of being a teenager in the school yard.

if I was part of this couple and realised what was happening, that I was being used in this way I’d tell the lot of them to fuck off and hang out in the pub with the dads, or find the mums who also realise the complete bollocks at play. Let them find some other social justice cause to rally the troops!

it’s pathetic othering we see all over social media where critical thinking flies out the window in favour of mantras and magic words that shut down the opposition.

I'm surprised no one has mentioned "women only spaces" here. Why would B want to be alone with a group of strange men (some of whom the corresponding woman "can't be in a room with")?
Crashing double standards and blatant homophobia.