SIL’s Restaurant Choice-not sure what to say/do?

[HamBone]

This is a very first-world dilemma, but I’d welcome opinions on how to handle this.

Thanksgiving is coming up here in the US and we’re having a family get-together with DH’s side. Yesterday, DH told me that one of his sister’s wants to arrange a meal out to a specialist restaurant that weekend and I’ve just taken a look at the menu. Its’s very limited and I can’t see a single item that I’d like to eat. DS won’t be keen either. We’re not fussy eaters at all, but there’s nothing available that we’d want to pay for. Plus, it’s not particularly cheap.

How should I approach this with SIL? I think that she wants to try this restaurant and likes the idea of arranging a family outing, but it’s daft to waste money on food people don’t want. Will we be party poopers if I gently say that it’s not to our tastes, but we’re happy for everyone else to go and we’ll see them later?

I feel bad about this though. ☹️

@gannett Family dynamics, pure and simple. DH’s family aren’t known for their communication skills, they’re always nice to each other and never confront anything.

My side of the family would be upfront and say we don’t want to go; DH’s family wouldn’t. If I say I’m not keen, I’ll be the wicked SIL who spoilt it even though half the attendees wouldn’t pick that place either.

This thread is hilarious and now I want to see this supposed menu full of bugs and other well seasoned food 🤣🤣

Honestly, just tell your husband to tell her you’d rather go somewhere else as you and your son are fussy eaters. She probably won’t care at all and will just be happy to see you and your family?

I would give it a go. A bug based restaurant is opening near my office and I am looking forward to trying something very different.

@HamBone

this op

Nope nope nope I'd find an excuse and skip it

...for the menu

I’m kind of on the fence. This wouldn’t happen in our family as there’d be a discussion beforehand rather than one person dictating where we all go. And if it was one person deciding they’d choose somewhere suitable for all family members.

But.. you do have 12 dishes to choose from. Is there something you could choose and say ‘No aubergine’ or can I have plain pasta with that? Etc.

We went to this amazing Middle Eastern restaurant recently. Food was quite out there. Kids are not too fussy but the waiter offered pasta with their dish instead - places can be flexible.

She most likely will hold it against you if you cause a fuss and don’t go, rightly or wrongly so it depends how much you value the relationship. Or how comfortable would your DH be in suggesting somewhere else?

Why are people telling the OP to 'just go'. It's expensive and there is nothing she wants to eat.

I imagine they haven't read the update where she says the menu is bugs.

Not the point

Aha. I suspected there was a back story. Obviously this is your real problem, not the restaurant.

Well, it depends what you want the outcome to be. Saying that you don't fancy it and suggesting somewhere else is entirely normal and non-offensive - you know this. If you can't say that to SIL without causing offence then there's nothing that won't cause offence. And it's not just about the restaurant, is it, it's about treading on eggshells around her because everything is a potential source of conflict.

So if you want to bend over backwards to keep the peace, either go and just have drinks or cry off with "illness". Won't be fun for you but bending over backwards to please unreasonable people never is.

Tbh I would just suggest a different restaurant anyway. It's simply not an unreasonable thing to say and if she wants to make drama out of that, let her. Focus your energies on people you actually like and who like you back, and roll your eyes at your absurd in-laws.

This is perfect. Is SIL American @HamBone? In my experience Americans tend to quite upfront about their food and restaurant preferences and wouldn't be at all taken aback for someone to say what @mindutopia has suggested.

I wouldn't mind trying crickets etc but I wouldn't want to spend pots of money doing so for the first time in case I didn't like them!

Kind of a drip feed to go from "too seasoned and contains aubergines" to "it's actually insects" - with this in mind, I think YANBU to not want to go and the sister is BU by trying to get you all, including a 15-year old, to eat weird stuff and pay through the nose. I don't think you'll be fussy SIL for saying no, I think you'll be sensible SIL (at least to the others...)

How about you offer to club together and get her an insect takeout dish?

I wouldnt go either, surely the sil can see it's niche and will have a narrow appeal.

There's places round me with nothing for me on the menu because I have a milk allergy and it's all fine dining with butter etc.

Twelve seasoned dishes became twelve bean and/or hypothetical aubergine dishes. Now it's insects. You might not have needed to mention fussiness if you'd have said 'it's an insect-based menu'.

Please do give us an example dish (not insect related)

Teens would probably like to say they'd been to a restauraunt that served bugs.

@Delatron You’re exactly right, in DH’s family, no one “makes a fuss” or ever speaks their mind so we often end up doing things we don’t really want to.

Personally, I’d never pick an unusual restaurant for a group without first checking that everyone was on board to try unusual food, but DH’s family is very different to my side.

@HamBone You are really going on I'm a Celebrity but bricking it aren't you? 😂

Do you have an American version of I'm a celebrity OP? In the British version (held in either Australia or South Africa) as well as eating insects and spiders, they have to eat things like a kangaroos balls, or a camels vagina...

Maybe this restaurant is based on a theme like the above? If so I wouldn't be going either! 🤢 - definitely not envy...

I don't really understand what you want from this thread though, if you aren't willing to speak up.

@gannett I do like my SIL and I think that she mistakenly assumes we’ll all think this is so unusual and fun.

I don’t want to hurt her feelings, the family treats her as if she’s made of bone china.

Omg grasshoppers and crickets I honestly couldn't eat those to save my life! I agree with you about going to the restaurant.What you do about it is another matter.Hope you can sort it out amicably 🤩

@MargotBamborough ‘Cos I genuinely don’t know what to do!

@HamBone I understand if you don’t want to link to the menu or provide more details but really curious about the Cuisine now ? Perhaps you could ring the restaurant and check if they might provide alternatives to the beans / aubergines or whatever it is on the menu you absolutely can’t stand. These days restaurants are more accommodating of dietary choices and you never know ? We have been to places where items from
a set or tasting menu have been swapped out to accommodate preferences.

You say you and your DS don't like the menu but what about your DH?

Sorry if I've missed this.

Just to clarify …..

It’s expensive - but that would be ok if you weren’t worried about the waste … so you can afford it or you could afford it if it was expensive chips ( as an example !)
I understand that - but to put it in perspective the whole season is extravagantly wasteful ….
Your 15 year old won’t eat the food …. or maybe he will if it’s gross/exciting/really well prepared - what is his opinion ? I do think he should have some sort of say in this !
There are odd things on the menu … but beautifully prepared etc - so really until you go and try you can’t be sure you don’t like them …..

I do get that SIL could have been more thoughtful about going somewhere for family food …. she’s not paying for everyone after all and it’s meant to be fun for everyone .
It shouldn’t all be on you though - make a decision as a family and either be assertive enough to say no way or Make some other suggestions and say this is where we would like to go …. split the group