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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband wants to go part time

425 replies

WickyStizard · 02/11/2023 11:52

I am interested to hear your views, because I am really not sure whether I am unjustifiably feeling pressured here, or whether I should be working harder to understand my Husband's perspective.

Tldr: Husband wants me to get a job (full or part time but significant enough to cover his salary decrease) so he can go part time, and work 3.5 days a week.

Context: My Husband is the main breadwinner, earning just north of 100K + Bonus. Before having kids we both earned in the 50K region, but since kids 5 years ago my salary flat-lined whereas his has accelerated. He also works somewhere with generous paternity leave and after the birth of our 2nd child took a large amount of paternity leave and we took the opportunity to go travelling as a family, which was amazing.

Since we have got back and my husband has returned to work full time he has been putting increasing pressure on me to return to work now that the kids are settled back into school and nursery(3 days a week). He wants to drop from full time to 3.5 days, so he can spend more time with the kids and doing pick ups etc.

He wants me to get a full time or part time role so he can do this. A full time role working remotely would bring in slightly more than the loss of his earnings over the 1.5 days a week, but would take me out of action for 5 days (worst case scenario) or 3 days (best case).

At home, as well as doing drop offs, pick ups, and bed times (he is home late 3 nights out of 5) I also do all the shopping, cooking, washing, most of the cleaning etc.

It's clearly not clear cut, hence the question!

OP posts:
Lastchancechica · 04/11/2023 06:53

Nepmarthiturn · 04/11/2023 06:50

So your partner is fine but the OP's will inevitably be useless? How do you know that? I mean, he may well be... lots are! But none of us know him (presumably).

It’s very hard to reverse once one partner had been doing it all for years. Secondly why the fuck should she work full time to facilitate his weekly four days off?! It’s actually insane. And no she isn’t going to pick up a part time job that pays anything like the shortfall, in reality.

So this is unworkable.

Nepmarthiturn · 04/11/2023 07:04

She hasn't been "doing it all for years". She specifically stated they've had the same amount of time off with the children to date except for the last 3 months where she has been unemployed and job hunting after them all going travelling.

There really does seem to be an awful lot of projection on this thread. I don't know the OP or her husband either. Maybe he is as shit and useless as all the men you and others have described. But nothing she's actually written here implies that: she has said he's been hands on in the early years, taken loads of paternity leave equal in duration to her maternity leave and wants to continue being a hands-on parent.

And as many posters including me have pointed out they can easily both work part time and have the same net income after tax and childcare that they have now, if not (quite likely) higher than currently given her husband will be dropping time in a tax band where his marginal tax rate (having a child in nursery) will be somewhere between 75% and 120%, depending on their nursery charges and whether he has a student loan outstanding. OP had a £50k job beforehand and has not been out of employment for long so there's more reason to think she'd have to get some minimum wage job.

There seems to be very little understanding in this thread of tax and finances, on top of all of the sexism. And few people who've actually read what the OP wrote, including that she would like to have a career again.

Doingmybest12 · 04/11/2023 07:04

presumably you talked about the working arrangements post your baby being born. It seems a bit much for him to be cranking up the pressure when the baby is only 3 months if this is a new plan. I would say you are looking for work but it's too early for you to be focused on this at the moment.

BCBird · 04/11/2023 07:09

Why can't you swop? He does part time and all the house and logistics stuff and you do full time?

Lastchancechica · 04/11/2023 07:13

Op you should look after yourself.

You have sacrificed your body to two pregnancies, suffered the exhausting early years with newborns and caring 247 and breastfeeding.
You have taken the career hit in terms of advancement, promotion and salary.

Take your time now. Find something that really works and inspires you. Retrain if you need to, until your youngest goes to school. Once you are settled in a part time role that works for you - then you can have a conversation about your husbands hours then.
I would suggest you employ a financial consultant beforehand to ensure it stacks up comfortably both now and into retirement. 💐

Nepmarthiturn · 04/11/2023 07:13

Anyway, @WickyStizard I hope you find a balance that works for you both. Definitely calculate the net income with the tax calculator I posted upthread and then factoring in the childcare funding that you'll gain with your husband earning under £100k on top of those net income figures, so that you can work out the optimal hours for you both to work financially and practically for your family.

The prospect of a new role must feel daunting right now but I hope you won't be crushed down by the kind of sexism that's been so prevalent on this thread. Your future self will thank you for having a more equal relationship, financial independence and a great work/ life balance with a career and plenty of time at home and children who have a close relationship with both their mother and father.

Lastchancechica · 04/11/2023 07:14

BCBird · 04/11/2023 07:09

Why can't you swop? He does part time and all the house and logistics stuff and you do full time?

Duh, because he earns triple maybe?

Its swap not swop

Nepmarthiturn · 04/11/2023 07:18

You have taken the career hit in terms of advancement, promotion and salary.

So your advice is to compound this until it's irrecoverable when she has a perfect opportunity now to rectify it?

ConfusedConfusedConfused

No wonder so many women end up completely financially dependent on men and then later, destitute.

ZenNudist · 04/11/2023 07:21

pinkyredrose · 02/11/2023 12:00

I'd definitely do this. He's bearing the full financial pressure, you can get your career back on track and jointly earn.and look after the household.

I agree it's a good idea. Give it a few years and you could also be on the high salary. Equally divide chores, both work PT I reckon 4 days each is ideal . It's hard going PT as he will struggle to reduce workload but dropping a day is feasible.

Lastchancechica · 04/11/2023 07:26

Nepmarthiturn · 04/11/2023 07:18

You have taken the career hit in terms of advancement, promotion and salary.

So your advice is to compound this until it's irrecoverable when she has a perfect opportunity now to rectify it?

ConfusedConfusedConfused

No wonder so many women end up completely financially dependent on men and then later, destitute.

Oh do give yourself a rest.

Op can and will be able to support herself in the future. They are married, if they divorce she will be entitled to 50% of everything and CM. There is no requirement for her to rush back into a full time job, at all.

Hobbitfeet32 · 04/11/2023 07:29

So if a mum stays home it’s a 24 Hr job, loads of housework and mental load, no sick days, requires lists to be made of all the individual tasks that need doing.

If a dad stays home he’s lazy, wants to enjoy all the free time, is unfair to make his wife work, won’t be capable of managing the home.

I suspect that many women who stay home actually make more of a drama out of what being a SAHP involves and are worried that when a man does it he’ll find it easy.

Also working part time can be great for both parents. It’s not compulsory to spend every minute of a day off doing housework. Sometimes it’s nice to enjoy some free time. Both mum and dad.

Nepmarthiturn · 04/11/2023 07:32

Op can and will be able to support herself in the future. They are married, if they divorce she will be entitled to 50% of everything and CM. There is no requirement for her to rush back into a full time job, at all.

Lol! That's worked out so well for so many women...

Terrible advice.

Lastchancechica · 04/11/2023 07:34

Nepmarthiturn · 04/11/2023 07:32

Op can and will be able to support herself in the future. They are married, if they divorce she will be entitled to 50% of everything and CM. There is no requirement for her to rush back into a full time job, at all.

Lol! That's worked out so well for so many women...

Terrible advice.

Do one pal.

Nepmarthiturn · 04/11/2023 07:37

And she said she WANTS a career again. She clearly wanted one in the first place or wouldn't have been earning £50k. Telling women that they should be financial dependents like children even when they have specifically said they don't want to and repeatedly telling them that it's outrageous that their husband actually wants to behave like a proper father and be around for some of his children's childhood is ridiculous. Simultaneously moaning men don't pull their weight domestically and then when one actively makes an effort to take equal amounts of leave when they are babies and wants to split parenting and working more equally to vilify this and say he's taking advantage of the OP and it's a disgrace she should have to work at all and he should work full time like "everyone else"... the cognitive dissonance is off the charts.

Nepmarthiturn · 04/11/2023 07:38

Hobbitfeet32 · 04/11/2023 07:29

So if a mum stays home it’s a 24 Hr job, loads of housework and mental load, no sick days, requires lists to be made of all the individual tasks that need doing.

If a dad stays home he’s lazy, wants to enjoy all the free time, is unfair to make his wife work, won’t be capable of managing the home.

I suspect that many women who stay home actually make more of a drama out of what being a SAHP involves and are worried that when a man does it he’ll find it easy.

Also working part time can be great for both parents. It’s not compulsory to spend every minute of a day off doing housework. Sometimes it’s nice to enjoy some free time. Both mum and dad.

That's about the size of it, yes. The double standards on this thread and overt sexism are insane.

arintingly · 04/11/2023 07:43

It's interesting that the posters on this thread who are in marriages where both work part time are very positive about it and it's the ones who don't who are sceptical.

We both work 4 days a week and have just had our younger one start reception so we get a bit of time to ourselves. We both use that day in similar ways - exercise, catch up on admin/chores, bit of time to relax. One of the best things about it is that we pick different admin/chores as we come at things from different angles and so different things get done. He is better at the children's appointments - he booked them dentist appointments and took them to them - I am better at decluttering and took 3 huge bags of outgrown clothing to charity.

Pooooochi · 04/11/2023 07:46

How much do you work at the moment? And for how long have you been working less than full time?

Pooooochi · 04/11/2023 07:47

I'd love DH to go 4 days a week. We could afford it but its not possible in his job (v senior). I do it so why shouldn't he?

FatBanana · 04/11/2023 07:49

I had this thought too...

FatBanana · 04/11/2023 07:50

bonzaitree · 02/11/2023 13:11

There is a cynical way of looking at this. How is your relationship OP?

I wouldn’t put it past some people to lower their earnings and increase childcare before getting divorced to ensure they pay less or no maintenance and have greater argument for 50/50 custody.

Maybe I’m just cynical…

Oops didn't quote!

Shortstufflady · 04/11/2023 07:56

I agree. No 30 hours childcare for earners over £100 k but with less tax and free childcare there might not be a difference, so a few hours working from home would cover any loss.

TrashedSofa · 04/11/2023 08:07

Having done the double part time thing when the DC were preschool age, my own DH taking on some solo childcare for all of the tough years, I'm always a bit suspicious when someone only wants to do it once they're at school and there isn't a clear practical driver like unavailability of wraparound. Which isn't to say it can't work at all, but you'd have to be careful about the division of labour. I'd certainly look to get back into the workplace in OPs shoes regardless, and then see how it goes from there.

Hobbitfeet32 · 04/11/2023 08:17

Me and other half both work 4 days. Works for us. Both get free time for ourselves and can pick up 50/50 on housework and childcare. Both of us have high salaries.

arintingly · 04/11/2023 08:20

TrashedSofa · 04/11/2023 08:07

Having done the double part time thing when the DC were preschool age, my own DH taking on some solo childcare for all of the tough years, I'm always a bit suspicious when someone only wants to do it once they're at school and there isn't a clear practical driver like unavailability of wraparound. Which isn't to say it can't work at all, but you'd have to be careful about the division of labour. I'd certainly look to get back into the workplace in OPs shoes regardless, and then see how it goes from there.

But only one child is at school, the other is in nursery part time