Husband wants to go part time

[WickyStizard]

I am interested to hear your views, because I am really not sure whether I am unjustifiably feeling pressured here, or whether I should be working harder to understand my Husband's perspective.

Tldr: Husband wants me to get a job (full or part time but significant enough to cover his salary decrease) so he can go part time, and work 3.5 days a week.

Context: My Husband is the main breadwinner, earning just north of 100K + Bonus. Before having kids we both earned in the 50K region, but since kids 5 years ago my salary flat-lined whereas his has accelerated. He also works somewhere with generous paternity leave and after the birth of our 2nd child took a large amount of paternity leave and we took the opportunity to go travelling as a family, which was amazing.

Since we have got back and my husband has returned to work full time he has been putting increasing pressure on me to return to work now that the kids are settled back into school and nursery(3 days a week). He wants to drop from full time to 3.5 days, so he can spend more time with the kids and doing pick ups etc.

He wants me to get a full time or part time role so he can do this. A full time role working remotely would bring in slightly more than the loss of his earnings over the 1.5 days a week, but would take me out of action for 5 days (worst case scenario) or 3 days (best case).

At home, as well as doing drop offs, pick ups, and bed times (he is home late 3 nights out of 5) I also do all the shopping, cooking, washing, most of the cleaning etc.

It's clearly not clear cut, hence the question!

This. If he wants to do less paid work and for you to do more, he has to take on more of the unpaid work that you have been doing.

And: he can't just expect you to fully compensate for his salary loss even it takes you way more hours than he is giving up.

Women's earnings tend to flatline after children, unlike men's. See the work of this year's Nobel prize winner for economics. It's a form of structural sexism and your husband needs to allow for it in his expectations.

He wants more time with the kids, well, he may have to do with less money. Women face these trade offs all the time.

I voted YANBU but then I often "go against the grain" anyway and am quite deep thinking. I would wonder why over your partner earning 100K up he even needs his wife to "step up" to earn more over "finding a job" personally, unless he is in a job that is so awful or stressful or something that it isn't sustainable or something. Some jobs ARE just easier or harder than others and this never seems to be taken into consideration here at Mumsnet. Or whether someone can easily find one again, anyway over stepping back. I would never really "get" why a man on 100K would want his wife pushed back to work too and yes it would give me the ick UNLESS he was in some awful, miserable job beyond getting on okay with it. Would it be workable for him to drop to part time and live simpler and carry on as you are? If he's having an awful time at work then yes it would be reasonable and ideal maybe for you both to do part time leaving you both quality time time together?

Haha, I’m not young. Maybe you’ve just not been as fortunate with partners who split effort 50:50 as I have, who knows. No point replying again, I really couldn’t give two what your opinions are. It’s not my problem if you’ve got a partner who doesn’t pull their weight.

Agreed. DH does half the house work here and my dad did once my mum went back to work when we were all at school (and she was a student nurse then nurse, his job paid many multiples of hers)

(and that was in the early 90s...)

Try reading the thread. 🤣

This stuff is so tiresome and gets trotted out thread after thread.

£100k is a net monthly salary of £5,587. If you have a student loan to pay (which many earning at that level will do) net pay is £5,025 or £5,042 depending when you studied at University. In many areas of the country which tend to have the jobs with higher salaries a modest family 3 bedroom home can cost £2,500+ per month in rent or mortgage. Nursery for one child can be £2,000 per month and you get no free hours at nursery or funding towards childcare. That leaves £500-£1000 per month depending on the above variables to pay for commuting/ car, utilities, food, clothing, holidays, birthdays, Christmas, and everything else for an entire family. Hardly rolling in it, is it? And that's with making zero contribution to pension of savings.

Some people seem to have zero grasp of how the costs of living varies around the country or what a huge proportion of income people earning higher salaries pay in tax.

You must work 5 days so he can get 1.5 days off?! Is he unhinged?!

Personally I find it sad and "un-manly" when men are so insecure about their identity that they need to earn more than their own wife. It shows me they have bought into a patriarchal system and believe that women are inferior to them. Why else would it be embarassing? There is nothing attractive about a man who needs to squash my potential, and my financial contribution to our joint family and joint goals, in order to feel that he is fulfiling his own potential. There is nothing attractive about a man who believes himself my superior, in virtue of his sex. Men like that are pathetic.

Agreed @AmazingSnakeHead

The only thing that is even sadder is a woman who also holds the view that a man must earn more than his wife otherwise he'll feel inferior because by definition this also means that the man will view her as inferior if happens to earn less than him (which presumably such a woman does, otherwise she'd not have married/ stayed married to a man who didn't out earn her, in case his poor little ego can't take it).

Grim all round, really, especially to go through life believing such views are normal.

Additionally, his desire to go part time will screw you in later life as all his pension contributions are on the basis of working full time and he will be getting the maximum benefit of 40% tax rebates on any pension contributions plus whatever his employer is putting in.

You will lose hundreds of thousands of pounds, literally.

He needs to stay full time and you need to work and you balance the kids and homework between you.

Him slacking off because it equalises things makes his life easier but ruins your retirement.

Exceot that the OP was earning £50k previously. With recent averages pay rises of 8% per year nationally and inflation of 10%+ the same job she was doing previously would mean that her own pension contributions will also receive 40% tax relief. Her husband's will continue to receive 40% tax relief even if he works part time. And if he put money into a separate pension for her, with her not working, the tax relief is hugely restricted so wouldn't even be the equivalent of relief at 20% of normal levels of pension contribution at even a pro rated part time salary for £50k FTE. In summary: your comment is nonsense, I'm afraid.

You are truly deluded if you think op is going to pick up where she left off after so many years!

The reality, I am sorry to break it to you is the very opposite of this. Op will have taken a major hit to her career and earning potential. He needs to continue to work full time like everyone else, and she can gradually build her career part time.
Anything else is completely selfish and unreasonable.

So many years?

At least two probably more like three. It’s a long time out of any industry.

They have had the same amount of time off with the children other than the last 3 months where she has been a SAHM while job hunting. A bit if projection again, it seems. 🤣

He needs to continue to work full time like everyone else

Except women, apparently.

Anything else is completely selfish and unreasonable.

Expecting your partner to work full time while you don't work at all is fine in your opinion and anything else is "completely selfish"? Okaaaay. 😆

You are really really annoying, so I choose not to engage with you thanks all the same.

Even though OP doesn't even want that and stated she wants to have a fulfilling career. But we must all conform to your sexist prejudices and stereotypes otherwise it's "completely selfish". 😒🙄

You are really really annoying, so I choose not to engage with you thanks all the same.

Yes, I can imagine it is annoying having your sexist prejudices pointed out. Sorry about that.

Nope. Unless he is mr homemaker then you will have two jobs and he will helicopter in when and if he fancies being super dad.

Wow. Sounds like you need to associate with better men @decionsdecisions62

I've got a great partner but I've had 57 years of observing friends and their 'share' of duties in the home!

I do thanks and wouldn’t put up with this!

So your partner is fine but the OP's will inevitably be useless? How do you know that? I mean, he may well be... lots are! But none of us know him (presumably).

Yes quite!

I do thanks and wouldn’t put up with this!

Wouldn't put up with what? A man suggesting they should both spend similar time raising their children and working? Why is that so horrifying to you?