To need a break from life?

[Username9020]

Parent to 2 U11. DH works school hours, I work full time, compressed to 4 days. I WFH almost 100% and have care responsibilities for an elderly relative on the 5th day.

My job is often stressful but is well paid & flexible enough. Golden handcuff style.

I carry the majority of the family mental load and between work, caring, household admin, kid admin & kids hobbies, I'm at breaking point.

I've spoken to DH previously and he has promised to do more to support, but we quickly slip back into the norm & I end up on the edge again. I know he cares about me.

Kids main hobby happens 6x weekly and requires very early starts. Some additional sessions are held (think competitions/exams). Husband does not usually do the early morning as he physically has to go into work and needs to be fresh. He also facilitates a hobby as coach 2x weekend + 1x weeknight so me doing the 6x hobby is intended to create balance.

During a discussion yesterday when I suggested giving up their favourite hobby to give myself a break, my eldest was angry and said that in deciding to have children, I signed up to this responsibility and it's unfair to withdraw now. I feel guilty for suggesting they give up something they love but removing the arranging of kit, waking of children, transportation to&from & spectating from my load would give me breathing space. Yes, they could do some of these things themselves but realistically, they don't.

Everything is getting too much for me. I feel as though I'm doing a bad job at work & at home and I'm struggling with the urge to walk away from everything, despite loving my family greatly.

This situation is nothing unusual, I know hundreds of parents will relate and this is causing me to feel a greater failure.

AIBU to feel like I need a break? Should I remove myself from the situation for a week or so, or just accept that this is how everyone feels & get over myself?

can you hire a babysitter to do the running back and forth?

In the worlds of your child (which I think is bloody entitled) your DH also decided to have children and also signed up to this responsibility so in order for DC to continue to do their hobby without the detriment of their mothers health looks like DH will take over that aspect of parenting

Yes I used to use a ‘childminder’ who did the clubs for me and I stayed at home with the other dc.

Well something has to give and perhaps a lesson in personal responsibility and humility would do your eldest the world of good.
I'd have been tempted to cancel the hobby on the spot if one of my kids spoke to me like that.

Besides the point but your spoiled entitled child needs a swift lesson in manners!

How old is the child with the hobby?

Cut down your hours to 30 over 4 days/unpaid days short term just for a break!

Work out of an office space/your office a day or two a week if at all possible. This would at least give you a separation from your home and work!

Cut your husbands hobby out. He needs to pause this as his family needs him!

Hobby lift share if you can or arrange a 'sitter' to do the lifts like PP have said

Look up carers support in your area to see if you have any respite options in your area. This could give you a break for an hour or two a week or even a full day at times on your caring responsibilities. Look up carer's link in your area

Book some annual leave for you, even if just a day. I'm assuming your husband covers school holidays so you could spare a day or two.

Some practical suggestions... but on an emotional level it sounds like you are close to burnout. Something has to give!

You sound like my Mum forty years ago.
She ended up having a nervous breakdown, so I would certainly back you in getting the kids to shape up or put the hobby on pause. But you may have to be VERY firm and upfront about this - sit them all down, talk through strategies they can use to organise themselves, and not back down.
Just "oh kids from now on you have to wake yourselves up and sort your kit" is unlikely to work, because people are people.

I bet the sport is swimming. If your child can take some responsibility for any of it - you mention they can, but don't - they should 100% be contributing their energy to that. Is it possible to do any lift sharing with other parents, even only a couple of times a week would help.
How much are you doing for your elderly relative? Is there anything which you could simplify or delegate on that day?

Sounds exhausting and completely dominating
DH needs to step up on mental load for the hobby and rest of life
No excuses
I would start going to an office so it's not your problem (really think 100% WFH really doesn't allow you a break)
I would outsource everything you can
We go through the week on Sunday night and everyone has to be there - everything is written on a white board and I minimise reminders. It really works after a while but you sort of have to let me forgot and step back

I mean, life is busy. But I don’t think you should make your kids stop stuff ( which I assume you encourage / started at the beginning) just because it’s too much for you?

I often want to run away for a few days rest. But I never do actually go, and it always gets better again for a bit.

I get up at 5 on a Sunday for kids stuff so I totally feel you! ( and I work full time too)

You can’t sacrifice your own mental health for the sake of a child’s hobby. You need stern words with your DC. They shouldn’t be speaking to you like that. You tell them the hobby is stopping. That’s it.

This sounds tough. If you earn good money consider using some to get some help in, or better yet get DH to pay in lieu of him helping with the kids hobbies.

What did your husband say about how your child reacted to this?

I mean, life is busy. But I don’t think you should make your kids stop stuff ( which I assume you encourage / started at the beginning) just because it’s too much for you?

i agree with to a point. 6 x a hobby in the morning is way too much for me & unless you can outsource it will dominate everyone’s life.

Maybe I'm selfish but I cannot imagine letting the hobby of a primary school aged child dominate my life to that extent. Is there not a middle ground between stopping the activity completely and doing it 6 times a week?

For the immediate future book yourself an airbnb for the weekend and have a weekend on your own. Your family can manage for two days. Then when your head has cleared a bit and you have bandwidth, decide on what you're capable of doing and draw a line in the sand. Then you can work together as a family to figure out how and who can pick up the slack.

You need to protect your mental and physical health here prioritise yourself for once. It sounds like you're absolutely at the end of your tether

That’s a really intense hobby. I can only think swimming or gymnastics! I’d have avoided getting them involved in those in the first place for exactly this reason, it really dominates life and unless the whole family are happy for everything to revolve around that it’s difficult (I say this as someone who did competitive swimming for a while as a child, I did chuck it in as a teen as I was finding it overwhelming, I also wasn’t brilliant at it so it felt like too much to give to something where I wasn’t super successful anyway).

It may all change in the teen years anyway. However at this point if they absolutely love it, which it sounds like they do, then I don’t think you can realistically expect the kids to be happy to chuck it all in now (but they were rude and yes entitled in how they spoke to you about this). Different if they were a bit half hearted about it anyway the way I was!

Can you talk to the coach and other parents and say you’re finding the ferrying to and fro very overwhelming and see if you can find some lift shares locally? I bet you’re not the only one would be glad of sharing the load. Even just finding one person would be amazing, you could do 3 days each instead of 6. Or can they take a bus (or taxi) there at least some of the time?

At the very least I think it’s reasonable to say they need to set an alarm and get up for it without you needing to be involved and sort out their own kits if they’re going to continue the hobby as you can’t do absolutely everything. And if they’re not ready to go with kits ready when it’s time to leave without prompting from you then you won’t be taking them that day.

And yes look at respite care and maybe think about taking some emergency annual leave or even sick leave from work for a fortnight to catch your breath and work out a better plan. You do deserve a break and you sound exhausted (and no wonder, anybody would be).

How old is your child who said that?
Tell them they need to get themselves up, dressed and breakfasted and kid ready from now on. If they are that dedicated to the hobby that it's unbearable to stop, and are old enough to take such a view of your responsibilities, maybe they need to learn some personal responsibility themselves to keep it up.

Your husband coaches this hobby a few times a week. Is this actually your husband's hobby that he has got your kids into?

It's not her husbands hobby. He coaches a child's hobby on those days.

@stripybluesocks & @WhereDoYouGo1 , babysitter is not really an option for a 5am hobby run, but I appreciate the suggestion.

@Whatelsecouldibecalled, @Backagain23 & @NotGoldenBalls The reaction was uncharacteristic, likely because it was unexpected by DC, however I agree, it was unacceptable and retribution was swift and administered by DH.

@cocksstrideintheevening both DC share this hobby, ages 9 & 11.

@bookish83 You make some really good points, thank you. I FEEL close to burn out, hence toying with the idea of taking leave from work and about disappearing for a week.

I have previously reduced my hours to 80% FTE across 4 days, but found my role requires me to give more hours. I was effectively taking a pay cut but the hours were creeping up. 8yrs ago, when I agreed compressed hours, it was very unusual for the company to consider this type of arrangement. The role cannot be successful with fewer hours. I have considered a change to a less stressful job, but this would require DH to also take on a higher paid job and the thought of the learning phase seems too stressful.

DH hobbies are not his own, he coaches a local children's sport team (youngest participates) and I'm supportive of giving back to the community in this way.

@maslinpan I don't want to stop the caring as this family member will not be with us much longer and I wouldn't feel at peace if I gave up on them when they needed me most. I spend ~6 hours 1x a week with them + as hoc errands during the week as required.

Lift sharing does happen, 2 sessions overlap with a local child, I take one & the other child's parent takes the other...this is session 7, but as I don't handle that, I didn't include it in the initial post. It's not just the hobby run, it's the extra admin that causes me the most work, taking them there & spectating almost feels like respite (unless I have the laptop with me).

@Paperbagsaremine Thank you. How did you mum overcome this? My husband would be supportive of your suggestion.... But with good intentions, it wouldn't last long. @neverclockwatching Maybe l'll try this suggestion to keep the momentum going on the test of the family carrying their own load. Working from my company office isn't ideal as due to restructuring, it's now a ~3hr commute.

DH hobbies are not his own, he coaches a local children's sport team (youngest participates) and I'm supportive of giving back to the community in this way.
^^
I don't want to stop the caring as this family member will not be with us much longer and I wouldn't feel at peace if I gave up on them when they needed me most. I spend ~6 hours 1x a week with them + as hoc errands during the week as required.

something has to give, and you have to decide if it’s things like above or your mental health. Your DH should also step up and or your kid need to reduce frequency of hobby. 6x a week is ridiculous.

@Nothanksthanksanyway I never expected it to become so intense, however in their defence both DC excel at the hobby & compete very successfully in their age groups. @Britneyfan It is one of those....if only I'd known before signing them up!

@ASongOfRiceAndPeas it's less the cost, more the extra admin that goes with it. Spectating with a coffee is easy, but packing & prepping on top of everything else is the straw that breaks me. DH has said he will to support enforcing the DC to take this on themselves as suggested by some posters.

@ZestFest This is essentially my question. AIBU to do just this, take some time away to clear my head and refocus, or am I being spoilt and dramatic for thinking this way? I'm sure my family would be supportive if they understood that I'm drowning & need to pause for a rescue breath. The majority seem to be suggesting some form of time out/load lightening so maybe I'm on the right track with this idea.

@QueenOfCarrotFlowers DH did the hobby as a child but only started coaching when youngest team lost their previous coach, leaving a group facing possible closure.

I would be dropping the full day of caring before I dropped my child's favourite hobby. The relative being cared for manages the other 6 days a week so why would they need you all day once a week? What would they do if you lived too far away to be there all day once a week?

If my child was keen enough on something to get up at 5am before school to do it then there's no way I'd stop it. I completely understand how upset he is and I don't think it's entitled at all to have lashed out as a result.

@itsmyp4rty I do appreciate what you're saying but there's a little more to this point.

Other family members cover the other 6 days of caring. I essentially provide much needed respite for those other family members by giving this lovely relative my time once a week.

I hope in doing this, I'm teaching my children compassion as well as enriching someone's later years. I also encourage my children to visit this relative with me as regularly as possible to ensure that they have a strong bond and have fond memories when she is no longer with us.

After losing a different relative at the tail end of COVID and seeing the impact of restricted care and companionship, I wouldn't want to inflict that on anyone.