Husband wants to go part time

[WickyStizard]

I am interested to hear your views, because I am really not sure whether I am unjustifiably feeling pressured here, or whether I should be working harder to understand my Husband's perspective.

Tldr: Husband wants me to get a job (full or part time but significant enough to cover his salary decrease) so he can go part time, and work 3.5 days a week.

Context: My Husband is the main breadwinner, earning just north of 100K + Bonus. Before having kids we both earned in the 50K region, but since kids 5 years ago my salary flat-lined whereas his has accelerated. He also works somewhere with generous paternity leave and after the birth of our 2nd child took a large amount of paternity leave and we took the opportunity to go travelling as a family, which was amazing.

Since we have got back and my husband has returned to work full time he has been putting increasing pressure on me to return to work now that the kids are settled back into school and nursery(3 days a week). He wants to drop from full time to 3.5 days, so he can spend more time with the kids and doing pick ups etc.

He wants me to get a full time or part time role so he can do this. A full time role working remotely would bring in slightly more than the loss of his earnings over the 1.5 days a week, but would take me out of action for 5 days (worst case scenario) or 3 days (best case).

At home, as well as doing drop offs, pick ups, and bed times (he is home late 3 nights out of 5) I also do all the shopping, cooking, washing, most of the cleaning etc.

It's clearly not clear cut, hence the question!

I have read the thread thank you @Nepmarthiturn and my comments still stand. Similar to other comments on the thread as well.

This!
One of my colleagues went PT and was shocked that this didn't mean his 1.5 days off a week would be " him time"

Yes have a chat and see if he prefers you working PT also -all chores, pick ups shared or you go FT and he does it in the week with weekends 50/50

I suspect a change of heart will take place

You have had your time time off as a sahp
I think this is what the DH thinks, SAHPing is time off 🙄

Erm... so he works full time and you don't work at all? Of COURSE it's perfect reasonable to ask you to work part time so he can as well! Wtf am I reading?!

I was in a similar position to you, made redundant after baby no 2 and for various reasons became sahp but have worked part time. If I had my time again I would focus on my career more, retrain etc and make sharing chores non negotiable.

The problem, as other posters have pointed out, once you've been sahp then the majority of men step back from 'wifework', many of whom weren't doing their fair share pre children. This means that women are working and still doing it all.

It seems your dh is really pushing this, does he feel 'hard done by' and thinks you have it 'easy' and is resentful in any way? If so then this is a red flag imo. In any event I would be focusing on my career, retraining etc. tell him that he needs to make a list of all household stuff/chores etc and you will do the same and then you can sit together and divvy up. I would be very clear that if things like cleaning don't get done then you'll have to find a cleaner (£15 an hour at least), that also goes for gardening etc. I would then get a job and make sure you have equal leisure time etc.

Sorry but imo men like this want all the 'nice' things without having to think about or do any of the basic, repetitive grunt work. They expect their family will receive gifts and cards. Christmas will be organised and just happen.

The majority of women are still doing it all as well as working.

I’d say you will work the same number of days as him but he needs to take on some of the other responsibilities too so cleaning and cooking etc get shared between you.

I think it should be as normal for dads to drop a day or two as it is for mums to only work part time.

Start looking for a part time job.

Could you just work enuff hours to makeup the shortfall in net income? Only he will be in the higher tax band for half his salary and the difference might not be as much as you think

His reduction in hours might mean you benefit in other ways, etc DIY & house maintenance, plus sharing the other domestic chores. Only you know your partner, & how he will utilise the extra time at home.

I was speaking more generally, but there's no doubt that in this instance the DH has come up with the idea after the gruntest of the caring work has been done. When mine dropped hours, he had sole care of two under 3s with no nursery on those days! Three days in nursery is a substantial chunk of time and could give rise to a situation where the dropped work hours are while neither DC is in the home, depending on how things are organised. Hence my point about needing to be careful about the division of labour.

This.

If he's saying this is important to him, then you owe it to him to at least look into it. There are def reasons why this would be a good idea anyway - good for you to get back into the workforce, good for the family not to be solely dependent on one income.

That plus the way the tax system works. It would make sense for them both to be working part time.

I offered my DH the chance to give up work and look after the kids and I greatly regret it. I suppose it's fair it's just the opposite of what I wanted but het I've stuck it to the patriarchy 🙄

The underlying question here for me is? Did he do his part with the kids in his 6 months of paternity?
If the answer to the question is yes, he did, I don't see why not. Both part time may be a good balance for you. If the answer is no, I can see your concerns, I wouldn't like me doing it all, work outside the house and having an extra child faffing about in the house.

One is a baby and is only just over 12 months. Read the posts.

Op I'm reading this as you are on maternity leave so your LO is still very small.

I do think you should go back to work P/T if you can. Big issue is lots of professional jobs are never advertised P/T they are only ever f/t.

As for him dropping to part-time, depending on his role it may or may not be possible.

Being part-time your unlikely to get further promotion and there are times when you end up with a full-time workload for part-time money.

I'll also assume you are both relatively young. I think you should both be working and pulling together to make sure you get a retirement in your early 60s. Rather than 68 (and noises about going up to 75 wtf)

YANBU I dunno why how ever these posts are done, mumsnet commenters are always on the man’s side. So strange.

I see no issue with you both working 3.5 or 4 days each. Divi up the jobs. Bang the jobs and budget on a spreadsheet.

Either way you both should be working for the sake of your pensions and because the economy is on the brink of recession. Batten the hatches.

The other thing to be mindful of is that you may find that on 3 to 4 days per week you do as much work as a full timer but get less pay. That's the principle reason I switched to f/time decades ago.

Both parents working part time/ fewer hours is the most sensible plan surely. You end up with more equal pensions, career prospects etc.

Obviously he needs to take on the mental load also but unless he’s a complete idiot he must realise this. If he’s going to take a day off a week to play golf then it’s different.

Lots of families operate this way, it’s called equality. It can also be a lot more tax efficient.

but there's no doubt that in this instance the DH has come up with the idea after the gruntest of the caring work has been done

Except that the OP specifically stated they've both had equal time off with the children since they were born except for the last three months when she has been jobhunting. "No doubt" you know more about the situation than the OP, though.

Is it being on “the man’s side” to suggest that men taking an active role in family life and child raising directly benefits women individually, and on a
societal level, and also their shared children?
So strange …

There are a lot of women who like to push the narrative that men won’t do wifework. It’s bollocks ime, most do but just because they got saddled with a sexist pig they convince themselves this is ‘normal’ for anyone with a penis.

I think it sounds like a nice way for both of you to forge an equal relationship with the kids. At 100k, you won't have to work long hours to make up the missing pay because you'll have a tax allowance and he'll be getting heavily taxed on that top bit of pay.

One thing I would be slightly concerned about is how it affects your retirement plans. 40-50 is often the peak of your earning potential and when you want to be hammering home as much as possible into your future.

One of my friends successfully negotiated a 13 day fortnight and works longer hours each day then gets a Friday off every two weeks with no loss of pay. I wonder if he could negotiate similar?

You said:

Interesting that he wants to drop his hours now they're in school and childcare when presumably he'd get some hours during the day to himself. Why didn't he do this when they were babies and it was a hard slog.

If you had read the thread, or even just the OP's own comments, you'd have noticed that:

a) one of the children is not yet in school; and

b) he did "do this when they were babies and it was a hard slog" per the OP's post stating that she and and her husband have taken equal time off with the chiildren since they were born.

Is it being on “the man’s side” to suggest that men taking an active role in family life and child raising directly benefits women individually, and on a societal level, and also their shared children?
So strange …

Many of these posts are crackers! People seem to have some strange agenda but it's hard to ascertain what it is given this particular man appears to be doing exactly what women usually complain that men don't do. 🤷🏻‍♀️🤔🫠

If the OP comes back and sees how her thread has developed she will probably think "what the hell has happened here?!" 😆