To have been honest about my feelings re Christmas presents at work

[Icefoot]

We had a team meeting. I'm new to the business.

Someone asked what we should do about presents for each other and the wider staff. I said personally I wouldn't bother, it's all a bit of a nonsense, just passing round parcels of things no one wants. I'm not good at present buying and I don't care about presents for me, which makes me hard to give the emotional energy required to get my staff decent gifts. I'd rather buy people a drink after work, although appreciate that doesn't suit everyone either, but the offer's there.

I was asked and I gave an honest answer...

No, the deathly silence was before she spoke. After she spoke, everybody agreed with her. But also, she can read a room. And she's not sure whether she was being unreasonable or not.

Confusing, isn't it.

(edit: sorry, I was "replying" to a post, I thought. But my post has gone to the end and doesn't reference the person I was replying to, and therefore makes no sense. I'm afraid I don't understand how posting works on this site)

Hmm always difficult when someone new comes in. Perhaps ask the team what was done previously? Or tell them it's up to them if they want to do secret santa. Some people won't want/be able to go out for a drink, so might be better to order lunch (e.g. pizza) in for the team with some tubs of quality street. That would be a nice Christmas treat for the staff. They did this at one place I worked, and it made everyone so happy that day!

I used to commute to my recent job (with a baby as they had a nursery attached) , so could never go to drinks after work. I always missed out on the bosses rounds. I always wondered why they didn't just do an inclusive lunch for all of us, instead. Especially when a few couldn't go to the pub for cultural reasons anyway.

You could easily have a soft drink. One of DHs ex colleagues always judged a pub by the quality of its lemonade and it was never in any way an issue.
Wanting to get home, fair enough. But booze isn't compulsory.

I have worked with people who felt that their religion didn't want them to spend time in pubs. It simply wasn't comfortable for them to be in those places.
It is also exclusionary of people with caring commitments outside of work time.

@Icefoot

I’d love you forever if you said that in a meeting.

Excellent answer! Good to see an assertive woman on here for a change.

Assertive is not 'rude'. Not all of us are submissive doormats...

Well done OP. They asked you answered honestly. You can always choose to participate if it goes ahead. One of many things I’ve noticed is MN is very divided on gift giving. I have openly abstained from secret Santa. I have declined weekend work parties and I contribute the bare requested minimum to a group gift for my meh boss. But I’m very good at my job work hard and build relationships outside of gift giving so it’s all ok. I have participated in a secret Santa where the organizers openly made fun of gifts they were given. So petty. And as a pp mentioned a chocolate orange or that ever so elusive “small pressie”. Really do you want to open a chocolate orange and act excited about it?? It is indeed extra expense effort and often not something I
need to add to my life. Pot luck? I’m all in.

You can be assertive without being rude or blunt.

I agree with the OP's opinion. I don't agree with the way she delivered it

I suspect it depends where you work and how you feel about your colleagues. I genuinely like all the people in my team, and as such, think the secret Santa at our Christmas team dinner is quite fun. The partners also typically club together and buy a nice bottle of wine for everyone (there isn't anyone currently in the team who doesn't drink alcohol but obviously they would take that into account if there were) and we all chip in to give our PAs a (good, and generous, not just crap) gift voucher.

That being said, if I worked somewhere I just felt 'meh' about my colleagues (ie nice enough but not that fussed about going for a drink with anyone - and I felt that way about various places I've previously worked) then yes, I'd probably feel like I can't be bothered with any of that.

OP: “I tell it like it is.”

I like everyone I work with and I think the working environment is very positive. I'm certainly a good and empathetic boss, my assistant is off on compassionate leave today to sort out a housing issue. Surely those things matter much more than a token gift at Christmas? Also, I suspect that by having nonsense Christmas presents removed from the to do list I've helped her and others like her out much more than I've spoiled anyone's morale.

I agree with your sentiment, however maybe gauging the room and formulating a tactful response would have been a bit more appropriate. Ah well, at least they know you are honest.

Wherever I've worked Secret Santa has always been optional...no pressure. Our Manager always bought his Clerks a decent perfume but there were only 3 of us and he was a nice chap.

I can read a room

Unless there's actually words on the walls, I don't see how that is possible. And I really hate places where they put words on the walls because they are usually words like "live, love, laugh" or else those dreadful motivational posters from the early 00s.

("Live, love, laugh" signs are the domestic version of the workplace motivational poster, because some people want to bring that kind of fake forced cheerfulness into their houses.)

Surely it was implicit at least that you thought you might have done the wrong thing/.it had landed badly, and therefore you were asking AIBU? Unless you just wanted congratulating?

Unfortunately, that's life!

Exactly.

OP, you really did.

I'm part of two different teams at work, one is much smaller than the other. In that one, the habit is to always buy gifts for birthdays and Christmas. I really don't mind because I know two of the ladies feel really strongly about it and enjoy it. Tbh I like it as well because my DH isn't big on doing surprises around Christmas and it's nice to have a few little things after organising so much else myself. Also I know we generally just get each other bottles of wine etc so it's not usually something that goes to waste.

With the larger team, it's Secret Santa which is optional and I do usually opt to participate. I'm happy because I got someone I know well and I've already picked out something she will love.

There's nothing wrong with not wanting to participate, though. I think optional Secret Santa is probably the best.

I'm 35 and every work place I've been at has just done secret santa at Christmas. I can't believe workplaces all buy for each other!!

Oh.

well it’s certainly one way to get a message across. But it’s a bit like using a sledgehammer to hammer in a tin tack. There are a thousand other ways the same message could have been delivered

You have to be careful with company presents, if you give cash, gift vouchers then it is taxable at your normal tax rate. Although an actual gift, hamper for example is not, provided you don't go over £150 of gifts or entertaining in any one year and no more than £50 per person in any one go

And with what you buy too. I once got a vibrator in a secret santa 😬 I don't think it was taxable.

Oh good for you, OP

As a charity shop volunteer I can confirm that novelty mugs, cheap toiletry gift sets, 'humourous' books about sheds/ golf/ cat memes, and mankinis (shudder) get donated in abundance after Christmas and they rarely sell and end up getting sent away with the ragman.

YANBU and starting as you mean to go on - frank, open and honest. Well spoken!