To have been honest about my feelings re Christmas presents at work

[Icefoot]

We had a team meeting. I'm new to the business.

Someone asked what we should do about presents for each other and the wider staff. I said personally I wouldn't bother, it's all a bit of a nonsense, just passing round parcels of things no one wants. I'm not good at present buying and I don't care about presents for me, which makes me hard to give the emotional energy required to get my staff decent gifts. I'd rather buy people a drink after work, although appreciate that doesn't suit everyone either, but the offer's there.

I was asked and I gave an honest answer...

I really don't think anyone will care. It's something leader's do becuase they feel they should, but surely no one really cares if their boss or a colleague offers them a drink instead of buying token gifts?

I'd suggest a company has bigger problems than the presents if that would really cause issues in the workplace.

No one in this workplace is calling me a "girl" 🤣

tell me you work in a female environment without telling me you work in a female environment

(or work with very "mature" colleagues)😂😂

You started the thread as though you were worried that you’d done the wrong thing and wanted opinions and now you’re saying it’s actually a brag post about how great you are at saying what everyone else thought but was too scared to say. I hope for you that your colleagues did agree with you.

Can I come to work for you?

The worst thing about Xmas is the enforced "fun" at work. I don't do Xmas meal out. I don't do Xmas party. I don't do Xmas drinks. I don't put Xmas decorations up in my bit of the office. I did secret santa under duress and was glad when a change of team stopped that.

I think people don't understand how awful Xmas coercion is for autistic people.

I also work in a male-dominated job and note that my female colleagues are the principal pushers of all things Xmassy apart from drinks.

I don't think I did?

This is such a perfect example of why people are desperate to keep WFH, to avoid all that ridiculous time wasting drama over nothing.

Expecting a Christmas gesture from the business if one thing, but expecting colleagues to have to buy gifts another.

We should work together 🤣 I don’t do Christmas parties secret Santa office decorations etc. I absolutely hate enforced fun. Everything about the whole ‘smile it’s Christmas’ does my head in.

I agree.

Mind you, we did food once and I got a stollen which is one of the very few things I cannot stand. I donated it. This was totally fine with me of course but I don’t feel comfortable with compulsory gifts in the workplace as we don’t know what financial situations are like. I have a high paid friend and colleague who is up to her eyeballs in debt.

YANBU, OP.

I'd participate in a Secret Santa, but that's it.

I think your answer was fine. I mean, you could’ve called them all idiots too, just to stick the cherry on the icing but that’s not really essential.

I think is probably why I find it so odd./difficult. I worked the first 20 odd years of my career in an entirely male dominated environment men 's wives may have bought chocs for their secretaries but there was no gift giving among the team at all. It would just never have been thought of.

Then I had a change of career to somewhere almost all female and it was madness! I was buying for 20 colleagues.

I agree with what you said, but you put it pretty bluntly. I have been asked about presents and just said I'd buy some rounds at the pub. Everyone was fine with that.

Likely more people agree with you than you realise.

Someone asked what we should do about presents for each other and the wider staff.

on the one hand it sounds like a big assumption from someone that you should do something about presents, after all it's each person's personal budget being tapped into, with no visibility as to what (if any) spare cash is available for presents.

on the other hand as you've only just joined the organisation it could be that they've had a tradition of present giving going back x years.

maybe a more neutral response would have been more appropriate, such as

I personally have a lot of expense at this time of year, as my DH and I both come from large families, so I hope you don't take this the wrong way but I unfortunately wont be able to participate this year

leave it at that, no further explanation needed. I expect you'd be speaking for a lot of other people!

YANBU. I really don't want stuff I have to donate after Christmas.

So, let me get this straight:

1. A asks B for B's opinion.
2. B does as requested.
3. A calls B rude for doing what A asked for.

Do you think this is OK? Because I don't.

This kind of "don't actually do what I ask for", "follow undisclosed (aka unwritten) rules" behaviour is called setting an expectation trap and it's a kind of sociopathic bullying that only neurotypicals seem to engage in. And yes, it is sociopathic and it is bullying, it's setting someone up to fail and then using their failure against them.

it's all a bit of a nonsense, just passing round parcels of things no one wants.

you can't take back what you've already said, but I wouldn't have been so dismissive as to say it's a bit of nonsense.

Maybe some of the team dont have happy home circumstances, so something happening at work may not be just a bit of nonsense, maybe it means a lot to them...?

They were probably stunned into silence that someone has had the courage to say what they were all thinking, it often takes a new person to break the status quo.

I think buying people drinks after work is a much more problematic option than a secret Santa.

That aside there wasn't any wrong with your basic premise but being new to the team and not aware of what has happened before treading more lightly would be sensible.

If you jumped in and said that, I'jm not surprised there was a deathly silence and no one disagreed.
You didn't leave room for anyone to disagree. It was tactless and judgemental of anyone who disagreed with you.
Unless everyone promptly said they agreed with you, which they clearly didn't because otherwise you'd not have felt in need of asking here, then I suspect that they disagreed at least with the spirit of what you said. If people were "relieved you'd finally said it" they'd have been quick to agree.

It's a lot of work. Better that you spend the money going somewhere nice together.

Absolutely right! Ridiculous to buy presents for all colleagues. If teams want to do secret santa then fine but the stress and expense of buying for everyone is completely ludicrous.

I've said quite a few times now, I didn't "jump in". There was silence when the question was asked, not after I answered it.

IME the forced fun of a workplace Christmas is even harder for those who don't have happy homelives.