Received a strange request in the post

[tmreunion]

I received a letter yesterday in the post to the 'current owner'.

We bought our house 15 years ago from a normal family - mum, dad, teenage daughter and younger son. Been very happy here.

I received a letter which reads -

'Dear current owner,

This is a very odd request and I completely understand and respect if you do not feel comfortable with this and therefore, there is no need to respond if that is the case.

I grew up in, what is now, your home. I experienced a lot of trauma in the home and have been working through this for the last few years. I was wondering if I would be able to come and see the house again, as part of my healing. This was suggested to me by my therapist and I feel it would be beneficial. However, as stated, I understand this is an unusual request and my healing is of no importance to a perfect stranger, so please do not feel pressured to agree to this.

If you were to kindly allow this, I would of course expect to be accompanied round the house and this would take no more than ten minutes.

Thank you for taking the time to read this letter and if you would like to contact me my name is 'name' - 'contact number'. If not, I wish you and your family well.

Best wishes,

Name'

I added the number and it is indeed the teenage daughter who was part of the family we bought the house from. She is now in her 30s. I feel really odd about it and almost distrustful. I also don't like the thought that she experienced trauma in our home, almost like she's trying to taint it.

My husband thinks that although it's odd, she is clearly doing some inner work and why wouldn't we help someone who is in need?

What do you think? WIBU to ignore or should I text and feel it out from there?

The issue with the 'be kind' brigade is that they're anything but kind.

What they say when they type that soundbite is 'be kind to ME!' Or, they nominate others to be kind when, actually, their interference could be ill-advised or downright detrimental to that person's interests (as is a strong possibility in this case).

They never use this phrase in the context of themselves being genuinely kind and altruistic to another person. If they did this, they'd offer their own experience - even painful experience - or time, or supportive words to help other posters who are in a quandary, or who might be suffering at the hands of others.

Instead of this they just show up on those threads to tell these women to be kind to those who abuse them.

I agree with the first poster above. They can fuck off.

I would grant her request. The potential upside to her is huge and while as a stranger you owe her nothing, perhaps you could try to reframe your experience of the situation not as her tainting your home, but rather you both working together to un-taint her mind, so to speak. Her visit wouldn't be tainting, but rather healing, for her, so it may be possible for you to enter into that headspace?

I would let her do it. However she needs this for healing and with how you feel about it I would be concerned that you may make it worse for her. I don’t mean that harsh but she will likely pick up on your distrustful vibe. So think if you can do it with an open heart. Or ask someone else to be there.

I personally couldn’t return to my childhood home. I hope it’s a happy loving place now, I certainly hope my memories wouldn’t taint it for anyone else and maybe it would be nice to see it ‘moved on’. But people heal in different ways. 10minutes of your time could really help someone.

All the people banging on about "why not" and "be kind" are not appreciating the effect trauma can have on people. Supposing she isnt ready for this and starts talking about harming herself or starts shaking and crying in the lounge- what do you suggest the OP does about that? the OP isnt her therapist and is not equipped to cope with such a reaction.

Being kind doesnt mean you are qualified to deal with someone else's trauma- thats exactly why professionals exist. Its not a matter of kindness, its a matter of someone with trauma getting the right and most appropriate support. All the good intentions in the world doesnt mean you can actually help someone with deep seated psychological issues from past abuse, in fact, you could actually make things worse. I'm also a bit suspicious about this- most trauma therapies now do not involve re-visiting old places, EMDR for example is focused on going within to centre yourself in a calm, safe place in your mind. The idea that to process trauma you have to constantly re-visit it is very, very outdated now from a therapeutic perspective and studies have shown that its not very effective at all and there are better ways.

I’d ask if her therapist could get in touch with you too, so it’s official.

@tmreunion

I'm medically diagnosed psychopath I have no empathy to others. So I really don't care what others think about me in return.

That's really not a fair thing to say to someone. It's up to this woman's therapist and healthcare providers to work together to heal her trauma. Not the OP.

Another one that would facilitate this. Can also imagine how it would indeed be helpful seeing a once familiar place in an entirely different way.

It is a sort of self indulgence to imagine you could help. Steer clear.

I agree with this and the excellent post from @Weareoutofwine. So many posters saying "it will only take 10 minutes", "it's such a minor request". That completely minimises what this is - someone trying to overcome a trauma so significant that they've sought professional help. Sure, many/most of us would want to help, but realistically are nowhere near qualified for the reaction she might have.
**

The real world is quite different from mumsnet. On mumsnet, a man walking his dog behind you or cycling past you is a threat. In the real world, most of us don’t actually live in fear of men.

I agree, people are assuming that some very traumatic and likely violent event happened there and that the OP will then think about it whenever she enters x room. That's not necessarily the case.
This lady could have had an unhappy emotionally neglectful childhood which is symbolised by the house in her mind.

This

This a hundred times over. I couldn't have written it better myself.

I also don't like the thought that she experienced trauma in our home, almost like she's trying to taint it.

Bizarre way of thinking when someone has reached out for help but each to their own I suppose. You will get a lot of replies on MN along the lines of, how dare she ask etc..but many many people on here think it is outrageous if someone knocks on their and believe that to be intrusive and unreasonable.

Personally, I would not hesitate to help someone who is going through tremendous healing as I don’t think they’re enough kindness in the world nowadays.

I had a traumatic childhood, absolutely dire, abuse, police, drugs, addiction, mental health issues, I've thought a few times I'd love to go back to that place for a few minutes...see that the disgusting bathroom we had is nice, my little brothers bedroom, clean and comforting, my old room, welcoming for its current owner, the kitchen, with everything a 'normal' family has... no one owes me that, but I agree, as a 'trauma survivor' no matter what that could be, I'd help. Remember though OP, you don't owe it though if it could harm your own mental health, etc.

Not necessarily. The OP has been given a mobile number which shows up a name and potentially a photo. It doesn’t mean that it is the person she thinks it is. I can put any name and photo on WhatsApp that I choose.

I would ask to speak to the therapist - not about details but to check this was something the therapist thought would help. Also consider having someone else you trust accompany her and the strict condition she is not to divulge what happened in each room.

OP, HRFT but I personally wouldn't let a total stranger in my house. First, for your own safety and safety of your family. 2) the trauma is not in the house, it's in her mind, so she can heal it without going to your house. 3) What would she do if the the place she felt abused, has been demolished? 4) What would she do if the person who abused her, has now died? Would she need to bring them back to life from their graves so she can speak to them? I have all sympathy for her, but it's YOUR house now, and she wasn't abused in YOUR house.

As long as you've verified that she is who she says she is, then I'd do it. Leave it to your husband if you want, as he seems less bothered by it.

*home, not house

Good alternative suggestions

How do you know you are 'helping someone heal?' What if, in fact, this supposed altruistic deed were to lead to actual physical harm to the person you're trying to help?

Do you know what it is to do battle with cPTSD? To suffer flashbacks? To deal with the severest symptoms of a condition that can, when it really takes a hold, mimic some of the symptoms of dementia, like a short-term memory loss so severe that you forget what you're saying to another person mid-sentence?

I know. And let me assure you this is a terrifying place to be.

Just maybe, ceding to this 'unusual request' on the OP's part would be the absolute opposite of 'kind'.

And in the requester's position, as someone who's well-versed on the subject of trauma, I would not put anyone - least of all a complete stranger - in such a position.

OP - always listen to your instincts. If you think something's 'off', it possibly is.

The problem is. Does OP really know who she is.
All she has is a name….that really means nothing.

I had a guy at my door asking to read the meter. He had ID and the right clothes all official looking. I didn’t let him in as I had just sent a meter reading so thought it was odd. I phoned EDF and they confirmed no readings were being done in our area. So what was he up to.
Another occasion was some guy claiming out of the goodness of his companies heart they were checking to see if our solar panels ( installed by another company) had been installed correctly. Hello! he didn’t get entry either although he was flabbergasted I would allow him in as ‘everyone else has’.

In a world now full of scammers I think you are right to be a little apprehensive about this even if you know she previously lived in your house, at the end of the day that means nothing, you have no idea who she is other than that.

I would go with the advice of others here, ask for the details of the therapist, check them out first and make sure they are genuine, have a chat with them and confirm they are onboard with it. If that all checks out then it would be a little bit of human kindness to allow her in, it could be the final piece of the jigsaw that she needs on her journey to heal.

Why do you think she’s trying to taint the house for you? She’s clearly trying to work through a horrible time in her life and it’s been suggested to her by a professional. I wouldn’t hesitate to say yes, if it could help her, what’s 10 mins of your life