Received a strange request in the post

[tmreunion]

I received a letter yesterday in the post to the 'current owner'.

We bought our house 15 years ago from a normal family - mum, dad, teenage daughter and younger son. Been very happy here.

I received a letter which reads -

'Dear current owner,

This is a very odd request and I completely understand and respect if you do not feel comfortable with this and therefore, there is no need to respond if that is the case.

I grew up in, what is now, your home. I experienced a lot of trauma in the home and have been working through this for the last few years. I was wondering if I would be able to come and see the house again, as part of my healing. This was suggested to me by my therapist and I feel it would be beneficial. However, as stated, I understand this is an unusual request and my healing is of no importance to a perfect stranger, so please do not feel pressured to agree to this.

If you were to kindly allow this, I would of course expect to be accompanied round the house and this would take no more than ten minutes.

Thank you for taking the time to read this letter and if you would like to contact me my name is 'name' - 'contact number'. If not, I wish you and your family well.

Best wishes,

Name'

I added the number and it is indeed the teenage daughter who was part of the family we bought the house from. She is now in her 30s. I feel really odd about it and almost distrustful. I also don't like the thought that she experienced trauma in our home, almost like she's trying to taint it.

My husband thinks that although it's odd, she is clearly doing some inner work and why wouldn't we help someone who is in need?

What do you think? WIBU to ignore or should I text and feel it out from there?

i’m really shocked at the lack of empathy on display here. How can you say so certainly this won’t affect OP? To believe this, you have to be someone able to shrug off the pain of others, and also believe that everybody is else is the same as you too.

The posters who have come on here to abuse OP (particularly over one probably slightly clumsily worded phrase) because this would be absolutely fine for them are revealing quite a lot about themselves.

it’s been suggested to her by a professional.

I would seriously doubt that.

I'd let her come round and get your DH to show her round if you don't want to know anything about it or think you'd be upset by her trauma.

I showed a former tenant of my flat around a couple of months ago. He rang on the doorbell with his young son on the day of the coronation with no notice (and I was in my dressing gown and PJs at midday). I know its different but it was no skin off my nose.

Very good suggestion. I was going to suggest she goes to the house with the same layout (neighbours who knew her when she lived there?), and pretend it was her former home.

I would do it if I was capable of dealing with it mentally.

If it is something you are going to watch it could be quite traumatic. Who knows how this person is going to react. So I would be prepared for that.

It does seem a bit off for a therapist to encourage something like this though. Especially since it might not be attainable, and therefore the patient might become completely focused and unable to move on because something they are encouraged to feel is necessary is out of reach.

I am not an expert on such issues though.

I would but only if I had the therapists details and fully checked out their authenticity.

If it was me, I would allow her to visit without hesitation.

This. It would take a cold hearted person to make this all about them. We all know bad things happen in houses, particularly older houses which may have seen deaths, abuse, sadness etc. You would be naive to think your home had probably not been 'tainted' in some way by something in the past.

If you can spare the 10 minutes then this would probably make all the difference to her with very little effort from yourself

We had this in a house - beautiful place but I absolutely hated couldn’t wait to leave - so much negativity in it 😐 - anyway the ch who lived there came and we let them have a wander around - they were upset but said it helped them enormously - 👍🏿☘️

Strange take on it, I think it reveals more about those who would turn the writer of the letter away for fear of "tainting" their home have a lot more to worry about than those who would let her in!

Do you not see the irony in your post regarding lack of empathy?

I’d help her all I could. Thinking she could “taint” your home seems a bit judgemental.

I don't think I'd be happy having a stranger walking round my house tainting it.

How on earth would they be ‘tainting it’? Get a grip 🙄

I think I’m with your husband on this one. It can only taint your home if you let it, she isn’t going to wander around saying this happened here and that there. She will likely be in quiet contemplation as she walks the house.

I would find it very tricky to welcome a stranger at my door knowing that they had written to me about suffering trauma. The immediate thought is of course child sexual abuse. It would feel wrong to act all breezy but obviously even more wrong to ask any questions.

But if genuine it does seem a nice thing to do to help.

How about this:

1. ask to speak to the therapist, not about the client’s confidential information but to confirm they have suggested this.
2. say that she and the therapist can come at a time of your choosing.
3. say the therapist should ring the bell, while client waits out of sight. You will open door and go into your back garden. You do not want to meet the client.
4. There will be cameras in the house.
5. no going into bedrooms.

I would let her come.

If your DH is fine with it, then have him let her look around while you are out (if possible). Grab a coffee somewhere, it will be soon done.

If it were me, I would make sure DH said goodbye at the end of the viewing time and tactfully added that you wish her well, but that no further viewings will be made.

10 minutes of my life to help someone overcome possibly a lifetime of trauma? My door would be wide open

She could have just turned up at the front door. I think she's been very respectful.

I don't imagine she'd want to talk about it. If a visit was permitted, it should probably be with the understanding that no conversation is necessary.

I don't think I would do this (ask to visit), but have certainly myself scouted out a particular house on Google Earth & Streetview to see how I felt looking at it now. I would feel too exposed to make contact with the current owners though: it's a brave move.

Sometimes in therapy you have to ride out to meet the memories in order to make the fear go away. I would be moved to assist her, particularly since you can actually identify her as a previous occupant.

Once you are fully satisfied that she is who she says she is, I would facilitate it, fully supervised.

She has written a very respectful letter and if it would help, I don't see a reason not too.

What are your concerns if you will be there?

She can't taint your house. Her experience in the property and yours are completely different and seperate. They don't cross over. One ended before the other began.

I'd let her. Someone I know is unable to visit the town she grew up in, even to visit family members, as it is too triggering of memories of the eating disorder she had when living there. A process like this could be very healing for her - presuambly the therapy practice is to in some way break the connection between place and trauma for her.
She isn't trying to taint the house! Whatever has happened there already happened, along with countless other things none of us has a clue about in th history of our homes. I can't imagine she will want to share the details with you, but you copuld be clear with her that you don't want to know, if that makes you feel more comfortable.

Of course it's about the OP. It's her home and safe place.

I too would have serious concerns about this, but think I would agree.

I would probably not be there but get a friend to show her around, request that the visitor didn't discuss anything. Quick look round and leave.

Would not want to meet her and see her reactions.

I agree. I'd let her do this in a heartbeat.

My next door neighbour has dealt with this in that there used to be a family who lived in her house but both the parents died and so the kids went to live with their relatives. My neighbour (who moved into the house straight after) told the kids that they were welcome to stay at the house anytime. They had so many memories of the house and the garden so she knew it would be therapeutic for them to see it when they wished.

I'm pretty sure I've read a book with a similar plot. As I recall after the initial visit, the requests became more frequent & the visitor became more unhinged. That would be a NO from me. I would be inclined to ask for the therapists details. If they really did suggest this I would be surprised.

I do wish people would keep their ignorance to themselves. Trauma is absolutely real and the treatment can involve in vivo exposure. I suggest you read The Body Keeps the Score which is a psychiatrist’s account of working with victims of trauma and one of the suggested books for trainees at the Maudsley. You cannot possibly say that this is “pandering” to “nonsense” or that this approach is “psychobabble”.

Hi agree with your husband, why wouldn't you want to help someone that would only cost you 10 minutes of your day.

I feel really odd about it and almost distrustful

Yes I would feel a bit odd receiving the letter too but I don't understand why you would find it distrustful?