Received a strange request in the post

[tmreunion]

I received a letter yesterday in the post to the 'current owner'.

We bought our house 15 years ago from a normal family - mum, dad, teenage daughter and younger son. Been very happy here.

I received a letter which reads -

'Dear current owner,

This is a very odd request and I completely understand and respect if you do not feel comfortable with this and therefore, there is no need to respond if that is the case.

I grew up in, what is now, your home. I experienced a lot of trauma in the home and have been working through this for the last few years. I was wondering if I would be able to come and see the house again, as part of my healing. This was suggested to me by my therapist and I feel it would be beneficial. However, as stated, I understand this is an unusual request and my healing is of no importance to a perfect stranger, so please do not feel pressured to agree to this.

If you were to kindly allow this, I would of course expect to be accompanied round the house and this would take no more than ten minutes.

Thank you for taking the time to read this letter and if you would like to contact me my name is 'name' - 'contact number'. If not, I wish you and your family well.

Best wishes,

Name'

I added the number and it is indeed the teenage daughter who was part of the family we bought the house from. She is now in her 30s. I feel really odd about it and almost distrustful. I also don't like the thought that she experienced trauma in our home, almost like she's trying to taint it.

My husband thinks that although it's odd, she is clearly doing some inner work and why wouldn't we help someone who is in need?

What do you think? WIBU to ignore or should I text and feel it out from there?

Yes, Booksbooksss has* *given their perspective as a therapist.

' I also don't like the thought that she experienced trauma in our home, almost like she's trying to taint it.'

Oh how selfish of her, couldn't she have picked someone else's future home to be abused in

I'd let her do it. I once heard a very funny Richard Wilson radio programme where he wanted to go to Greenock to the house he grew up, so he could go to his old bedroom and gaze out of the window like he used to as a little boy, and long for escape. He got his mate David Tennant to drive him all the way from London & when they got there it was knocked down and there was a Tesco Express on the spot. All made up of course.

Tainting your house? To me that is such a bizarre line of thought!

I feel you would come to regret it if you let yourself become involved in someone's mental illness, when they have no connection to you.
It may seem polite, but that letter is written by a troubled, unhinged person.
It is a sort of self indulgence to imagine you could help. Steer clear.

This seems like a very small favour that could be a big help to her. I would absolutely say yes, it costs you nothing.

I would ask her to bring her ID (so she's not going to rob you) and then tell her to take as long as she needs. I would also suggest she brings someone with her for support if there's a chance she'll have a panic attack or something like that, but I'd leave it for her to decide if she actually wants to do that.

Exactly. I'm staggered at how naive some posters are.

During the first lockdown I was working at home and saw a young woman in the road, staring at the house next door to mine crying her heart out. I went out to her. She lived there as a teenager with her family, one of her brothers went off the rails a bit and just the week before was shot dead in a case of mistaken identity.

She wanted to look at the home where she had happy memories of him. I took a couple of chairs into the front garden and made us a cuppa and we chatted awhile.

The week after she posted a beautiful note thanking me, and saying how sitting there and talking about him had helped her.

I'd let her, yeah. I don't think I'd ever not help someone out if I had the means/ability to and it was of little/no cost to me.

Hopefully you shall never need to seek the kindness of others for ANYTHING then eh!

You don't know what caused her trauma, so maybe not let your fella show her around.

I have thought of doing exactly the same thing, writing to the owner of my childhood home. My trauma was an emotionally abusive mother and I've had therapy for years for it. I had a very unhappy childhood at home and at school. I went back to my school on an open day and it really helped to walk those corridors again as the person I am now. My therapist also agreed it was a good thing to do. It felt like going back and letting the little girl at that school that everything was okay now.

I've longed to do the same in my childhood home. As it happened I went there just to look at the outside and found it derelict and was able to go in. Had I not been able to I'd have written exactly the same letter to the owner as you've received.

It's your house, your choice. But I'd say please let her, if it was someone casing the joint it would be a very strange way of going about it. This sounds genuine and you've checked her out. Please let her. It would mean so much to her and take very little out of your life and be a very easy way for you to help someone.

Would you?

And would everyone still be so keen if it was a male?

Honestly I’d say no, and I’m not worried about tainted houses- the previous owner of ours died on the living room floor- and I also let builders use the loo and love unexpected visitors 🤣. The problem is that her problem could very easily become your problem- you have no idea if the therapist did suggest this, and tbh the bar for being a therapist is pretty low and some of them do make v weird suggestions- it’s an unregulated profession- anyone can call themselves a therapist. It may not help, she may ask for more visits. She may tell you things you don’t want to hear about what happened to her that do change how you view your home. She could be a complete fantasist. You basically have no idea what you’re letting yourself in for.

It's a terrible idea. So poor that, in fact, I find it incredibly difficult to believe that any professional therapist worthy of their qualification would ever be so unwise as to recommend it. And if they have, IMO they should be struck off.

Their vulnerable patient could be writing to absolutely anyone. They could be encouraging them to unburden themselves to someone abusive - there are people out there twisted enough to get their kicks out of other people's trauma in this way. The therapist can't know who owns that property. Nor can they know whether the current owner is dealing with their own traumas and issues in life, and has scant room to take on those of other people.

This is such poor practice, and so curved-ball, that I'm disinclined to believe the correspondent is being honest about it (or at best, has grossly misinterpreted the advice she's been given). And if she's being disingenuous about this, then what else?

This can of worms is best left closed.

I would say no simply because it sounds like a scam or something that is not quite right or what is seems on the surface. I’m not minded to “be kind” to strangers in ways that put me out or make me uncomfortable.

I think her request is really quite selfish, what if you had been a victim of abuse and you now have to live in a house knowing someone was abused there?

OP - I would also ignore comments from posters unpicking your choice of word in regard to 'teint'.

You are allowed to feel that, you don't need to be admonished for fearing what such a visit might do to your own mental health, sense of wellbeing and safety, or how it might change your feelings and perspective about your own home. Your home.

Interesting that is is those who are encouraging you to 'be kind' and 'help', who then berate you for having your own, perfectly reasonable fears.

Even though it is odd I would agree to help but arrange a time when your DH is home too.

If I let her do it, a large part of my feelings would be a mixture of curiosity/nosiness. Could be material for the novel I'll never write, if you know what I mean.

I’m sure I read a thread about a similar scenario a while ago with most posters saying ‘no’. Anyone else remember it?

I haven't RTFT but I would allow it, especially as you've been able to verify it is the daughter of the family who lived there previously.

I think I'd like to give someone the chance to see the place now housing a loving family, with happy times, safety and contentment inside.

I would do it. I grew up on an old converted school, we used to get lots of requests from ex pupils wanting to have a look around.
If you’re worried about the impact on you meeting her & seeing her reactions then make sure you’re out. Maybe you could ask a friend or work colleague to show her around your home, someone who could almost show her around your home like an estate agent would.
You’ve got an opportunity to do something altruistic which could massively improve this woman’s life, help her.

I would. What happened in the house cannot impact you, but could really help her.

Yeah I agree, I think it’s very unfair on the OP to make out she’s being selfish. I agree the writer won’t have been ‘trying’ to taint it but if you’re someone with high levels of emotional sensitivity - or trauma or ourself 2 this can really affect you, particularly if it’s in your safe space/ refuge.

There are probably time in my life when I would be more amenable to this request - when I don't have children at home who come before anyone else - when I don't have big external worries as we do at the moment and I am mentally robust .

However I'm an introvert my home frequently is my sanctuary - though unlike some on MN I can and do answer the door and like guests - and this would always be a big ask from a total stranger for me - others never feel that same need for that sanctuary so their answers will be different but trying to guilt Op feelings and worries away isn't very kind.

You think she is trying to taint your home for you? What a selfish, self absorbed, twisted way to look at it. Is that seriously your reaction? Wow.

Firstly, it isn’t unusual. People knock on doors of their old houses all the time and ask to have a peak. You actually know this is the daughter of the people you bought the home from so it’s doubly not odd. You know it isn’t a scam.
Secondly, her experience in the house does nothing to taint it for you. It’s about her. It isn’t about you. Stop trying to make it so.

You don’t have to let her round. She simply asked, and she asked for good reason, but you don’t have to do it if you don’t want to. But why wouldn’t you? I would, it doesn’t affect you in any way, it won’t have any lasting impact on your or cause you any inconvenience outside of the time she is there. It won’t taint anything for you. And it might help another human being heal a little.